Hi, I'm Amy Jean

[Guest AmyJean]

Since registering on this site a few days ago I have been struggling with how to go about introducing myself. I have known for quite some time that I'm a transgender person; I accepted that one day I would have to face this reality, but I fought hard against it until now. I didn't hide from it: I actively and consciously fought who I am. I've hurt myself and the people I love, I've shunned most of my family, I've lived in a constant state of anxiety and depression on the inside while maintaining an air of strength and confidence on the outside. Except that I am a little eccentric, no one that I know has any idea of the constant battle that I wage within myself to control and hide the beautiful person inside me fighting to get out. Thoughts of suicide have become so common and frequent that sometimes I laugh when they occur; at least once a day I involuntarily verbalize what I can only describe as anti-affirmations.

Two years ago I had this boss who can only be described as a sociopath. He drove me to my breaking point, and I could no longer keep everything bottled in. Every thing I had fought so hard to lock away came spilling out - it was like a scene from the movie Ghost Busters. Thankfully I work for a large international corp. that has an HR department so I was able to take a fully paid FMLA absence for a few weeks to get myself back together. I went looking for help and found Laura's Playground; I chose a therapist from the list of people on this site and began therapy immediately. My therapist signed the appropriate paperwork, got me a script for wellbutrin, and then promptly went on vacation for the entire 6 weeks that I had taken off work. It wasn't a total loss though, the break from work combined with the mild anti-depressant helped me put my walls back up. I was back at work by the time my therapist came back from vacation - (she had conveniently filled out all the return paperwork before she left... how nice of her). I continued to see her for a few more weeks, and we talked about everything except what I originally went to therapy for - I didn't need to talk about it anymore because I was fighting my battle stronger than ever.

My daughter was born in May of 2012 and she is the most awesome human being I've ever had the privilage to know. I had an awful childhood, and I was determined to be the kind of father to her that I always knew I deserved. In the first 18 months of my daughter's life I have lost 60lbs, finished a Spartan Race, gotten a promotion and a raise at work, and managed to get my wife pregnant a second time; our son is due on April 15th 2013. As awesome as all of that is, it's just not enough, my walls are crumbling again. It's slower this time around, but it's happening, and frankly I am tired of fighting this war. I just want to love myself, that's what's most important for my children anyway, isn't it, that they have healthy parents to who can love them? Does it matter if it's two mom's or two dads, or whatver, so long as those people are whole? I am not whole, I'm a freaking train-wreck. I've been shrugging off regularly occurring suicidal thoughts for going on 20 years now, but I've come close a handful times - real close. The difference now is that I have children, and I want to be more to them than an old photograph with a sad story attached to it.

I have a long journey ahead. I chose a new therapist, and my first appointment is on DEC 27th. This time around I'm going to take this head on and deal with it. My wife knows that I am going to see a therapist, but I don't think she knows what it's for. She's a smart woman, and I've dropped a lot of hints, but she's not acknowledged that she's caught on yet. She says that she'll stick with me no matter what, but this is big. I am not the man she married, I never have been really, and that's going to crush her. I have read some of the posts in the S/O forum, which have been extremely helpful, and I plan to point her in the direction of them when it comes time to talk to her, whenever that is.

Like many of us I started crossdressing when I was young - about 8 years old. Unfortunately, I didn't exactly have the best parents in the world to deal with something like that. For example; I discovered pornography at about the same time as I did crossdressing, and my step-father's biggest concerns were that he was going to have to pay a late fee when he returned the video to the rental store, and that my mom would find out he rented a porno. No, I'm not kidding, we didn't even discuss it beyond that. Ironically, both he and my mother were psych nurses, and also crisis counselors. Anyway, a few traumatizing experiences later convinced me that what I felt and what I was doing was wrong so I suppressed it as much as I could. It took practice, but by the time I got to highschool I was able to keep my feelings locked down 99% of the time. Amy was locked away, and she was never getting out.

In the late 90s I discovered a role playing game called, "EverQuest". I played that game for days at a time; it cost me at least one job, got me kicked out of my apartment, and almost caused me to fail out of highschool. I wasn't addicted to the game, but to who I was in that game - Amy had found a way out. I rationalized my choice to play a female character a million different ways. My friends thought I was strange, of course, but I didn't care. For all intents and purposes I had unwittingly found a place to be Amy all the time. This went on for years, and in fact I still won't buy a video game that doesn't have an option to play a female character through the whole story. Video games aren't reality though. I can't play video games full time for the rest of my life; I can't continue to alienate all the people who love me. I can't continue faking it.

So here I am, saying hello to you all at Laura's Playground. It's been a long time coming.

On a lighter note, here are a few things about me:
I'm 32 years old, and I'm a computer programmer. I play guitar, and video games when I get a chance. I absolutely love Britney Spears, Japanese Anime, and vanilla ice cream.

Thanks for reading my story, you all seem like a great group of people and I really look forward to getting to know you.

-Amy

[Cyndee]

Thanks for your post Amy and welcome to Laura's playground.

Gender issues can wreak havoc in so many areas of our lives, sounds like you are taking steps to feel better, best of luck with therapy.

I hope you find these forums useful and enjoyable.

Hugs

Cynthia -

[Guest Mia J]

Hello Amy and welcome to Laura's. We are glad to have you on the forums.

You will find a lot of others here with similar stories to your own.

Mia

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Amy. You are among friends here, and I'm glad to hear that you've already availed yourself of some of the very useful information we have. Mia is right, there are many here whose stories are similar to yours. I fought the battle for 20 years myself, and came out to my wife after 21 years of marriage. We are still together and living a good life, thankfully, so it isn't out of the question for you and yours.

No two stories are ever alike in every respect, so I can't predict your future. I can just encourage you to stay on the path you're on, and wish that you find peace, happiness, and the path that brings you to both. We'll do all we can to help you find that path.

We ask our new members to please read the site Terms and Conditions, if you haven't already done so, as they help us keep the site safe for all. The link is at the lower right of every page. I appreciate the detailed and well written introduction, and look forward to hearing more from you, and about you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Amy Jean,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.
We all look forward to seeing you.
vanna

[Charlize]

Welcome dear. I feel especially close to you as i just finished a bowl of vanilla ice cream. Enjoy the posts here. i certainly did and Laura's has helped me grow.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest]

Hi Amy, Welcome. You share an interesting and captivating story. We may have shared a lot of off-ramps in the freeway of life. Most of us here know just how hard it is to keep cementing the cracks in "Him" to keep us from slipping out in our daily life. I just could not do it any more. I sometimes wish I had allowed myself the freedom I have today, at your age, twenty years sooner. I came here and stayed, first in secret to use the main page for resources, later on the Forums when I found caring people just like me. They really understand me and the struggles of my life journey. You can very much find that too.

Oh, that and you made me hungry for vanilla ice cream. Giggle. Drat! My kids ate it all... Yes, it's the joys of Mothering the children we Fathered. Hug. JodyAnn

[gennee]

Hi Amy and welcome to Laura's. Thank you for sharing with us.

[Guest AmyJean]

Thanks for the warm welcome everyone. :-)

[Guest Freegrl]

Hi Amy!

Hugs and best wishes on your journey! Thanks for sharing. When I used to play computer games, I used to run in a four-person group of college friends who've known each other for 20+ years. One of us is gay, and the other 3 know that I'm a home CD who likes to go out every once a while. A straight friend not in our regular group once asked me why I like to run female characters, and I told him that I'd rather look at my kick-butt female character for hours than a boring male avatar that looks like a stud but isn't very effective.

I think that it's great that you recognize that you're on a long journey and wish you the best!

Vanilla ice cream is my favorite too!

love,

Freegrl