Down the Rabbit Hole

[Guest Markietoo]

This is my first week with this site and sharing some of what brought me here seems like a good place to start. Like so many of us, I understood as a young child that something was very wrong with me. Everyone thought I was a boy but I knew I was a girl. Not something anyone could talk about growing up in the 1950's. I kept my secret but wore my mothers and sisters clothes and used their makeup at every opportunity. I prayed a thousand times for God to have me wake up and not be a boy. Playing the boy to my best ability, no one ever knew anything about my secret.

During my teens, I got into the theater world in New York and found a world of fantasy and play acting. I did radio, TV commercials and off Broadway plays. I was good at play acting since it's what I had to do every day anyways to hide the girl inside myself. All the while I longed to play the female parts and live in the world I saw around me but could not enjoy.

I went into all manner of sports all the way through high school: baseball, football, wrestling and the discus in track & field. I was pretty good in school with plans to attend medical school and become a doctor. Dating was what we did in high school and my steady girlfriend was the head majorette. How I loved those outfits of hers! I couldn't wear them but I sure could touch them when she wore them. Oh well.

It was 1968, and our country was in the very heart of the Viet Nam war. The way to show how much of a "man" I was led me to give up my college exemption and enlist in the military, specifically the US Navy. Since I often wished I was dead anyways, getting involved in the war and serving my country seemed like just the thing to do. My parents were horrified to say the least. The USN, through all the normal testing they do singled out the "smart boys" and away I went for special training in electronics and then into what they called "intelligence" work. That was one way to put it. I got shipped out and ended up in lots of odd places doing lots of odd things including getting to do training for some of the USN SEALS for a time. Now those guys were something special. During all of this I always had a stash of female clothes or at least one lipstick hidden among my gear. Crazy does not describe how my life was in those four years. Despite volunteering for every mission I could, I made it back safe and sound. When I was flown back, I found that nothing had changed. My hidden woman just wouldn't go away.

I gave up on the idea of being an MD, but did go back to college and began to work as a counselor in a mental health facility. Yes, given my own internal chaos, there I was trying to help others resolve their turmoil. After college, the unrelenting desire to live as the woman I knew myself to be became overwhelming. Suicidal thoughts and repeated close calls became more and more frequent. looking for help, I finally found a therapist to talk to, the head of the psychology department at San Francisco State. A kind and understanding man who saved my life. He offered me hope.

He had me tested through the Gender Disphoria program at Stanford. They said that I was transgender and had tested as female. There it was in black and white. Finally there was some validity to what I'd believed my entire life. I began HRT and the next year was just plain wonderful. The problem was that I had no health insurance and no money. I couldn't even continue to pay the therapist the small discounted amount he asked for. He kept seeing me anyways but it didn't feel right to accept what I considered "charity". I was alone and felt so very afraid of the path I was on. I teetered between male and female daily. I stopped the HRT and went back to being the boy. It was like a death as I saw my dream slowly drift away.

The years went by and I met an incredible woman who was a professional belly dancer (!) who I’d seen perform many times. Much to my surprise, I fell in love with her. I told her my secret since I couldn’t lie about who I was if we were to be together. She just smiled and accepted me. She did toss out all my female clothes and took me shopping for things that looked so much better. I could dress up all I wanted but that no longer felt “real” to me so that stopped. The next 20+ years were the best years of my life. However, the desire to not live a lie and to be a woman was in my thoughts every hour of every day. I worked for the government in law enforcement for all those years and retired a couple of years ago.

A couple of months ago everything ground to a halt all of a sudden. I couldn’t function. I just sat there thinking about my life and about the woman I had always longed to be. I thought of the “lost” years since I last tried to transition and how I failed myself back then. We sat down and had a long, tear-filled conversation. I couldn’t go on any longer living like this. I’d rather be dead than live my life as a man any longer. There was no way to keep going on, I had to be the woman I was intended to be no matter how hard or how many years I have left in this life. At age 64, I’m the extreme definition of a late bloomer!

I went to see a psychologist through my health plan who deals with lots of transgender clients. After our initial sessions she told me that I didn't need therapy, I was just transgendered. And so it begins again. I’m meeting with another MD for HRT at her recommendation. Moving forward. My wife is having a difficult time but, like always, is supportive and helping me with new clothes, makeup and suggestions. She said that I may look like a grandmother but she was going to make sure I didn't dress like one! We still love each other and will have to see how things work out. I will not abandon her as I leave the boy behind me. We have family and grandchildren that I cannot turn away from. Together we face the future to see what comes. Down the rabbit hole we go. Thank you all for taking the time to read my story.

Markie

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Playground Markie, as one who just had her GCS 11 months ago at age 65 you are still in the young category for me, and my grandkids are quite happy to know the new me as well, so you do have hope there. There are a number of us here up near and in the 6th decade, and we look pretty good for our ages. There are also the much younger ones here that need our consideration too, and for them it is often helpful to find out that youth can be survived and we can get to be ourselves at some point.

We do moderate ALL posts for ALL members at All times, and you are welcome to post in any forum to reply, but only the 13 to 24 crowd can initiate posts in the Teens forum. Since I am the moderator approving your first post I do need to request that you read the Terms and Conditions which you can access from the lowest right hand corner of any forum at least once. Again, welcome and enjoy your stay with us.

[KathrynJulia]

Hello Markie

Welcome to Laura's. You are going to meet many folks here who have struggled through decades denying who they really were. Don't beat yourself up because you waited a while to become you. It's never too late to become the real you and be happy living in truth. So welcome to our community. You will find many folks sharing the same painful memories of what it was like growing up in the 60's and 70's and earlier times. To transition in those times was dangerous due to the hatred directed towards those considered different. So welcome Markie. I'm Kathryn and so happy to meet you.

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Markie,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.
We all look forward to seeing you.
vanna

[Guest Kenna Dixon]

Markie, it's wonderful to have you here. Welcome!

I look forward to reading more about you and your transition.

[Charlize]

Hi Markie, I certainly know much of your struggle. Mine of course was different but in so many ways the same. Finally at 63 it hit me and i went full time at 64. another young woman in the club. Another product of a time when we were totally misunderstood. You had some remarkable changes already and i'm glad you are allowing yourself to live out of the lie now.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Markietoo]

Thank you all for the welcome. After spending my working career as an investigator, this was a useful skill to try to find out all I could about what awaits me and so many others as we move towards revealing our true selves. I just got a package today with my first new pair of shoes (nice leather flats with a cute design on the toe) and they actually fit! Sounds kind of silly but so very satisfying none the less. More packages arriving each week and they are like early Christmas presents for the new kid. I believe that the new year will bring more happy discoveries than lumps of coal. Frankly, my coal bin is pretty full already. I also look forward to getting to know more of you through this site. oh, one more thing, this time I get to BE Alice!

Markie

[Charlize]

Can i please be the Queen of hearts?

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest LizMarie]

Hello, Markie, and welcome to Laura's. I hope we can help you as you embark on this journey to find yourself.