Bio Of Matthew41

[Guest matthew41]

I originally posted this summer of 07 as my RLT in reverse. It works just as well as my bio with a few edits for clearity.

I was aware I was a boy by my earliest memories, about age 4. Kindergarten was a wake up call when the teacher pulled me out of the boys line, on the third day, and said I had to stand in the girls line. I ran home during recess and told my Mom I quit, my teacher was dumb that she didn't know I was a boy. With the compassion of a Mom, she told me I was a girl. I was dumb struck, I learned that others just couldn't see the real me. (I hadn't remembered exactly when this feeling started until my mom reminded me about running away from school) I picked my battles. At age 6 I refused to wear a dress for Easter, saying boys don't wear them. My folks decided this meant I was a tomboy and for many years after that I was allowed to wear boys clothes and ask for boys toys for Christmas. These were good times when I could just be myself. At age ten I gave myself a nick name and it worked as a pass to play football and baseball at recess. I was an androgynous child. By the time the other boys found out that people assumed I was a girl, I had proven myself and was always invited into their games.

My next wakeup call was the first day of Jr. High when my schedule included gym. When I got there I found only two choices, the boys’ locker room or girls’ locker room. While I stood staring at the door, a girl from my previous class said to me "the boys locker room is over there," but the only answer I could give was ""it’s alright, I am a girl". I had no choice but to leave my comfort zone behind me and walk through that door. I began to invent a female persona that lasted through high school. I mimicked the girls and learned how they answered questions. Although I hated the body puberty gave me, it allowed me to hide in plain sight. At least I didn't need to wear makeup or carry a purse to pass as the fake her. Boys started showing an interest in her by the 10th grade and most of the time the true me would emerge and gave them the 'leave me alone" stare. But to fit in I finally dated one boy for a few months and then he moved away. I thought I had satisfied anyone’s doubts about me and it was over. But then he called me the next year and invited me to his prom and my Mom overhead this. She was so excited by the idea that I didn't fight it. I didn't yet know if I was gay or straight. So I mentally prepared myself and went to the prom. It was fine for about an hour until he asked me to dance. Then I emerged again and was silently humiliated to be in drag in public. I wanted to be the one in a tux dancing with one of the pretty girls there. What a moment to realize I was attracted to girls! I never dated again during high school and it was sometimes a rocky road, like when I would look a girl up and down and see her shutter. Oops.

My second semester of college (1985) I dropped out and spent all my time in the library gathering info so I could to try and start transition but I couldn't find a therapist and needed my folks help. I thought I hid my attraction to girls well but when I decided to come out to them and I hesitated my Mom said she knew I was gay. I said no that’s not it, I am not gay, I am a guy. I got a barrage of questions I couldn't answer at the time and there were many assumptions about being too young to do something so drastic before considering having kids etc. The only therapist who would see me was half way across the country. Then I read the standards of care and the 2 year RLT before hormones was impossible with the body and voice I had. So I continued to live as I was and talked myself into believing making my friends and family happy was enough to make me happy. But as I lived a reverse real life test, I would tell my Mom, and sometimes my Dad, how each of these experiences confirmed who I really was. I dated men to pass as a "normal" woman but had no physical attraction to them, I was looking for buddies. I even outed myself as a transsexual to one of them because all other excuses didn't work. I couldn't date lesbians because I wasn't one and I couldn't stand the idea that a woman would be attracted to this female body that wasn't the real me. I couldn't pick them out either, I lacked gay-dar. I had no desire to have children. Year after year the biological clock failed to kick in, nor did any motherly instinct. They would be uncomfortable with this each time I told them but then I would go back to the false persona again. Allowing them to again assume the false persona was the real me. I was exhausted by the time I was 37. I was living two lives, the external and the real me internally. I would ask myself, haven't I gotten too old yet for the stupid questions like "when are you going to get married and have kids?". Have I passed enough tests yet to get my message heard?

Then my Mom watched an Oprah show (2003) where a mtf said she had told her mom I am not gay, I am a girl. A light bulb finally lit in my Moms mind and she genuinely wanted to hear about my feelings for a change. I began to have real hope and feel a window was opening for transition. During a conversation a few months later, after I told her the details of a documentary I had seen, I held my breath waiting to hear what she would say. "Well, it looks like you need to start saving money for surgery" was her replay. I was free, in a split second my false persona fled, never to return. It was the most exhilarating and scariest moment of my life. Over the next 3 sleepless, anxiety filled days and nights I found info and friends on-line, contact information for a new trans-group in my town and a gender therapist locally. 18 years after I first read the SOC, it finally had the provision that hormones could be started to aid the RLT. After 5 months of therapy I started hormones and within days the most wonderful calm descended over me and my remaining anxiety just vanished. A month later I had chest surgery the day after my 38th birthday. 6 weeks after that I changed my name. On my next birthday, my folks gave me a card that said "to our Son, on his birthday", wow. I am now co-moderator of the local trans-group and often run the meetings. The last 3 years ( 5 years) have just gotten better day after day. I don't regret waiting, the timing turned out to be just right as every piece of my puzzle fell into place at the same time. It was meant to be.

Matt

[MaryEllen]

Hi Matt,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.

MaryEllen

[Guest ~Brenda~]

I originally posted this summer of 07 as my RLT in reverse. It works just as well as my bio with a few edits for clearity.

I was aware I was a boy by my earliest memories, about age 4. Kindergarten was a wake up call when the teacher pulled me out of the boys line, on the third day, and said I had to stand in the girls line. I ran home during recess and told my Mom I quit, my teacher was dumb that she didn't know I was a boy. With the compassion of a Mom, she told me I was a girl. I was dumb struck, I learned that others just couldn't see the real me. (I hadn't remembered exactly when this feeling started until my mom reminded me about running away from school) I picked my battles. At age 6 I refused to wear a dress for Easter, saying boys don't wear them. My folks decided this meant I was a tomboy and for many years after that I was allowed to wear boys clothes and ask for boys toys for Christmas. These were good times when I could just be myself. At age ten I gave myself a nick name and it worked as a pass to play football and baseball at recess. I was an androgynous child. By the time the other boys found out that people assumed I was a girl, I had proven myself and was always invited into their games.

My next wakeup call was the first day of Jr. High when my schedule included gym. When I got there I found only two choices, the boys’ locker room or girls’ locker room. While I stood staring at the door, a girl from my previous class said to me "the boys locker room is over there," but the only answer I could give was ""it’s alright, I am a girl". I had no choice but to leave my comfort zone behind me and walk through that door. I began to invent a female persona that lasted through high school. I mimicked the girls and learned how they answered questions. Although I hated the body puberty gave me, it allowed me to hide in plain sight. At least I didn't need to wear makeup or carry a purse to pass as the fake her. Boys started showing an interest in her by the 10th grade and most of the time the true me would emerge and gave them the 'leave me alone" stare. But to fit in I finally dated one boy for a few months and then he moved away. I thought I had satisfied anyone’s doubts about me and it was over. But then he called me the next year and invited me to his prom and my Mom overhead this. She was so excited by the idea that I didn't fight it. I didn't yet know if I was gay or straight. So I mentally prepared myself and went to the prom. It was fine for about an hour until he asked me to dance. Then I emerged again and was silently humiliated to be in drag in public. I wanted to be the one in a tux dancing with one of the pretty girls there. What a moment to realize I was attracted to girls! I never dated again during high school and it was sometimes a rocky road, like when I would look a girl up and down and see her shutter. Oops.

My second semester of college (1985) I dropped out and spent all my time in the library gathering info so I could to try and start transition but I couldn't find a therapist and needed my folks help. I thought I hid my attraction to girls well but when I decided to come out to them and I hesitated my Mom said she knew I was gay. I said no that’s not it, I am not gay, I am a guy. I got a barrage of questions I couldn't answer at the time and there were many assumptions about being too young to do something so drastic before considering having kids etc. The only therapist who would see me was half way across the country. Then I read the standards of care and the 2 year RLT before hormones was impossible with the body and voice I had. So I continued to live as I was and talked myself into believing making my friends and family happy was enough to make me happy. But as I lived a reverse real life test, I would tell my Mom, and sometimes my Dad, how each of these experiences confirmed who I really was. I dated men to pass as a "normal" woman but had no physical attraction to them, I was looking for buddies. I even outed myself as a transsexual to one of them because all other excuses didn't work. I couldn't date lesbians because I wasn't one and I couldn't stand the idea that a woman would be attracted to this female body that wasn't the real me. I couldn't pick them out either, I lacked gay-dar. I had no desire to have children. Year after year the biological clock failed to kick in, nor did any motherly instinct. They would be uncomfortable with this each time I told them but then I would go back to the false persona again. Allowing them to again assume the false persona was the real me. I was exhausted by the time I was 37. I was living two lives, the external and the real me internally. I would ask myself, haven't I gotten too old yet for the stupid questions like "when are you going to get married and have kids?". Have I passed enough tests yet to get my message heard?

Then my Mom watched an Oprah show (2003) where a mtf said she had told her mom I am not gay, I am a girl. A light bulb finally lit in my Moms mind and she genuinely wanted to hear about my feelings for a change. I began to have real hope and feel a window was opening for transition. During a conversation a few months later, after I told her the details of a documentary I had seen, I held my breath waiting to hear what she would say. "Well, it looks like you need to start saving money for surgery" was her replay. I was free, in a split second my false persona fled, never to return. It was the most exhilarating and scariest moment of my life. Over the next 3 sleepless, anxiety filled days and nights I found info and friends on-line, contact information for a new trans-group in my town and a gender therapist locally. 18 years after I first read the SOC, it finally had the provision that hormones could be started to aid the RLT. After 5 months of therapy I started hormones and within days the most wonderful calm descended over me and my remaining anxiety just vanished. A month later I had chest surgery the day after my 38th birthday. 6 weeks after that I changed my name. On my next birthday, my folks gave me a card that said "to our Son, on his birthday", wow. I am now co-moderator of the local trans-group and often run the meetings. The last 3 years ( 5 years) have just gotten better day after day. I don't regret waiting, the timing turned out to be just right as every piece of my puzzle fell into place at the same time. It was meant to be.

Matt

Dear Matt,

Thank you so much for shareing your story with us! It is interesting that alot of your experiences are exaclty mine only in reverse. I too knew I was female when I was 4. I too was confused as to which locker room to enter when in junior high. My nickname in the fourth grade was "femme" because all of the kids in my school recognized my gender ambiguity. In spite of all that, I was raised that men were men and girls were girls, there was no in-between. So, by the time I was a sophmore in high school I had convinced myself that I was truely a guy and not a girl. That lasted for two years, when I started shaving my legs and cross dressing again. At that time, guys used to assume that I was gay, and that was not a good time. I later talked myself out of that behavior (feeling ashamed and guilty all of the time) and after a few years actually married a woman and had children (what a scam!). Anyway, after years of living a lie, the lie was revealed and consequently I am now divorced, but ironically free to be who I truely am.

Your story is inspiring, and illustrates hope.

thanks,

bernie

[Guest Zabrak]

I read through all of it. It was a good read.