Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Tunnel' End


Guest Jennifer T

Recommended Posts

Guest Jennifer T

I peered deep into

That dank, dark place

Using only a beacon

To view all the space

There at tunnel's end

I saw the light

And journeyed onward

Toward that beautiful sight

With great cautious steps

That at first I did take

I then gained momentum

And quicken my gait

With hope deep inside me

That I dared not show

To all those around

Who did not know

But it welled up within

And then began to seep

Through cracks and holes

I could not keep

Sealed off any longer

The effort too great

So I just moved on forward

With only my faith

That the end would surely

Reveal who I see

And forever give freedom

To the heart thats in me

As I drew closer

The light revealed

More and more certainly

The things that I'd sealed

But when my hope apexed

As I drew near the light

I was quickly taken back

By a heart rending sight

A wall stood before me

Most solid and true

With a mirror attached

And no single way through

The 'light', it appears

Was nothing more

Than reflection of the beacon

Id shone out before

The vision it seems

Was no more than 'me';

The one that Ive known

Since I was three

So here it all ends

I can journey no more

I lay my heart down

On the cold damp floor

And I cry a tear

For all that was lost

On the way toward something

That was too great a cost

I rest now in slumber

I'll not rise the least

Here in the darkness

I may finally find peace.

Jennifer T January 16,

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator

That is a beautiful poem dear. I would say only this about the last three stanzas…. That "me" can now be expressed and not hidden. In that alone i have found joy while i accept what has been given to me. I'm not ever going to be what i feel i should have been but i am finding contentment with my life. Hopefully you may find the same.

Hugs,

Charlie

Link to post

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 86 Guests (See full list)

    • KathyLauren
    • VickySGV
    • Jandi
    • Bobbie Scott
    • MaryMary
    • Shadow
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      72,056
    • Total Posts
      657,674
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      7,443
    • Most Online
      8,356

    MelanieRT
    Newest Member
    MelanieRT
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. David.S.C
      David.S.C
    2. Natasa
      Natasa
    3. RosieKohn
      RosieKohn
      (58 years old)
  • Posts

    • KathyLauren
      It is totally normal to be scared.  You are stepping  into a whole new world, that is totally unfamiliar.  Most of us have been there.   I scheduled a therapist visit to talk about my fear.  What eased the fear was not the therapy but the hours I had to kill waiting for the appointment.  I live in a little village, and my therapist was in the big city, so I was in a place where I was unknown.  I had an evening and a morning there with nothing on my schedule, so I used the time to test-drive being Kathy.  In the evening, I went out with some support group friends to a trans-friendly nightclub.  The morning before the appointment, I wandered around downtown, window-shopping.  I had breakfast and lunch in restaurants, talked to sales people in stores.  I even joked with a clerk in a co-op store where you have to show your membership card that I guessed I'd need to get that updated, after the computer pulled up my male name.   Nowhere did I get any funny looks or head any off-colour comments.  By the time my therapy appointment rolled around, I didn't need it.  The fear was gone.   Maybe you could try something similar.  Visit a town where you are not known, in Bobbie mode.  Talk to cashiers and clerks. Eat in restaurants.  Just be yourself and see how it feels.   Coming out, especially the first time or two, is still going to be nerve-wracking.  You just have to rip the band-aid off and do it.  After that, it becomes a lot easier.
    • VickySGV
      All of those fears are pretty normal, I can remember them from my beginning journey 13 years ago.  Life can be a little rough for a bit and you are on edge much of the time.  Your Therapist and IRL (or virtual) support groups will be you greatest help, but between them on the other days we will keep doing what we have here to help you.  You are going to find that your fears turn out different than you imagined them to, and some friends are going to go the way of the Dodo Bird, but in the long run you will find more staying than leaving, and more things going right than terrible.
    • Bobbie Scott
      Hi everyone,When I started transitioning about 3 1/2 weeks ago. I was ecstatic. Now reality is settling in again. I'm getting scared because I know I'm going to have to start coming out to people. I'm really scared of what they're going to think. I'm scared of if I'm going to be able to pass.I already quit once before because my girlfriend broke up with me. When I was was stopped for awhile, I was really miserable. I'm not trying to be a downer. I just want to know if anyone else has felt this way, and how they got through it. I have a therapist, I've joined 3support groups . I really don't want to go back to living the way I was. Even in a group of people I felt alone. I've never felt comfortable in my own skin. Thank you for letting me be part of this group.                Bobbie 
    • Shay
      Another pair I love to listen to me I need a pick me up     
    • Shay
      FOr all of your who had tense times and tears shed and anguish any time this week.... two of my favorite inspirations in my own writing.....    
    • Charlize
      If the time comes Victoria you can assure your sister that you can still change a tire and could perhaps be better after a bad break.  I know i still drive the tractor and just got in from splitting wood.  Girls do those things as well.   Hugs,   Charlize
    • MaryMary
      I'm asexual so there's a lot I don't understand about desire in particular. One thing's for sure is that society don't recognize the worth of a lot of knowledge traditionnaly feminine. I know a girl at a past job that knew everything about cutting hair and makeup (on top of software engineering and QA). She was really good at both and many other things but I feel the guys at work were not giving her the proper credit she deserved. Since I was really young I have the habit of looking at other girls to understand how they do things and to learn what is the frontier of what I can do and cannot do. I always loved woman with deeper voices (Annie Lennox) or tastes that are aligned with mine and out of the ordinary. I love being friend with someone who likes formula 1 for example. I've been a formula 1 fan since I was a child and not many girls like that. At school I knew a girl who loved it as much as me (buying ferrari suits for her baby and everything) and I love love love that when this happen. I always feel like : "phew, I'm ok. I'm not doing something that conflict with my identity because other girls like the same thing"   That phenomena is many the main thing trans that's been there for me since childhood. I wouldn't define this as envy... more like "I'm I ok?" "I'm I valid?" kind of mindset.
    • Berni
      ... also ...   Incredibly cute hat and outfit in your profile pic.   I've kept most of my (nice) boy clothes in the hope to, one day, wear them ironically as if I'm wearing my boyfriend's stuff.   Kind of my end goal / quest ... to wear all my old stuff and still be gendered Female.   Offerings to the HRT faerie have been given.
    • Berni
      Hi @Kestrel McLoughlin,   I'm late to the party, but I loved your introduction. You spoke eloquently of the magic inside each of us. A luminosity. Lovely!
    • Sally Stone
      There’s no denying I have always been attracted physically to women, but whenever I would look upon a woman, much of what I felt was envy more than desire.  It’s been this way for as long as I can remember, so, I always find myself wondering how much different my thoughts are from men that are not trans.    I can’t imagine them wondering how they’d look in that dress, or how wonderful it would be to have those shoes.  Surely, they don’t find themselves envious of that hourglass figure, or those beautiful legs.  Do they acknowledge how expertly that woman’s makeup is applied; do they recognize how flattering the shade of lipstick she’s chosen is?  I wonder, because those are typical of my thoughts when I see a woman.  Simply stated, I don’t want her so much as I want to be her.   So, when a woman catches me staring, she probably thinks of me the way she thinks of all men who stare at women.  I just wish she’d know that my stares weren’t born of lust.  If only she could know that the reason I stare is because of a collection of thoughts and feelings way more complicated.   It’s possible there is still some desire, but it is, and always has been, all about the envy.        
    • Abi
      Hi Kestrel,     Your presence could equally be critical at some point when someone sees your perspective and finds comfort in that thought. No one wants to say the wrong thing but, if we all hold back because of that possibility then the community is lost. All any of us can do is try our best to add where we can and appreciate what has been offered. 
    • Abi
      Ok so I am a FaceApp addict but, I wasn't sure how everyone looked at this kind of thing. I would say out of hundreds of them I have only really loved a couple. There is absolutely no chance I could ever look as good as this app makes me look. One thing I have found to be amusing as well is the fact that once in a while it will say I am female and offer to switch me to male. UH NO.... I am on the fence about sharing so please forgive me. I would love to share but, I have a feeling some people are bothered by this. I would love to hear opinions.    
    • Heathick
      My doc is FaceApp's gender filter I wish I really looked like that!  
    • HollyNoel
      @Heathick To be fair I had a high estrogen level before I started HRT. So I was almost in tears already, the HRT kinda pushed me over the edge.   I was watching the movie Paper Man, had Ryan Reynolds, Jeff Daniels, and Emma Stone in it, and I got to this one part which wasn't really sad, but I cried my eyes out. It's like, OMG Will You Just STOP It!!!  lol. I have depression already, so I cry anyway, but come on. Can't I just watch TV without having a box of tissues sitting within reach. lol
    • Abi
      There is nothing like a great set of brushes and they are often very inexpensive. I always clean them with an antibacterial soap of some sort. I would never use my personal brushes on someone else. I would like the idea of like a ladies night doing makeup and trading secrets but, I would make sure everybody has a healthy supply of options. The first thing I do when I'm going to do my makeup is try to have a general look in mind. Youtube has so many great artists that share their technique. 
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...