A girl who's one of the guys?

[Guest Thrashin]

Hi, my name is Michael and I wanted to know your thoughts about my thoughts about my gender. i don't know how to start off, so i tell you a little bit about myself, I'm 22 years old, i've skateboarding for 12 years, i'm really interested in videography and in general the actually video camera its self. I'm not religious, well nobody has told me that i cant create a religion for myself, so thats what i did i created my own. I'm really into heavy metal especially thrash but i can listen to anything thats not created on a computer.

So here's what i want some feedback on. alright so i thought about this for a very long time but never really deeply looked into it or thought about it but for the last about 2 months or so i've been constantly thinking about how i don't feel right being, acting, and showing that i'm a guy like i feel as if i should be a female. since i've been think about it constantly ive think back at points in my life where there's signs that are telling me that i'm female but I'm in the wrong body.

the earliest thing, its not even my own memory but my aunt told me this story when i was 2 years old and all i would want to do sometimes was just walk around or at least try and walk in my mom and my sister heels, "when you were really young, you had to a pretty heavy shoe fetish" to quote my aunt. when she's telling this story I'm think she has no idea that i still do that. then going fast forwarding about 2 years, and this is actually one of earliest memories, i remember i was walked up stairs to the laundry room and found basket of my moms bras and panties, sat down next to it and started to look at them and examine them and all then putting them on. then the fun was over when my mom walked out of her room and started giggling and said something like "Michael those aren't for you" as she started to take the bra off of me even though i resisted. small things like that stopped until i was in middle school.

When i was in elementary school i would go and play 2 girls who lived on the same street, we would have the best time but one day they came to my door and asked if i wanted to play with them so i did, why wouldn't i? well they didnt want to play, its really weird but they wanted to see what was in my pants. which i was scared because one im not doing that and also i didn't want them to find what was down there. i was afraid that if they saw that had that down there that they wouldn't want to play with anymore so refused until they chased me and eventually forced my pants down. as they giggled i ran home crying. after that i was so scared to be friends with girls because i felt that i wanted to do what all girls did but couldn't because i was a guy. then when i hit puberty thats when things started to not feel right, and this is the same i started skating. like when i was in middle i had a group friends who all skated and we that skater group in school, there were no girls just guys. and im attracted to women so in 7th grade had my first girlfriend, and looking back on time period when we dated, its feels i was a girl dating a girl. its really hard for me to explain that feeling but whatever. but i after dating her, still in middle school, i started to dress up. i would go into my sisters room after school and play dress up. but this was the part i don't get about myself, is when i would dress up i would aroused but i didn't that to happen because it would just get in the way i didn't like that was happening. so i stopped after a while because i would dress up and something would happen that i hated. but after a couple years i tried again, and same thing happened but this time it was more of a sexual thing or at least i covered it up to myself being a sexual thing. and it feels like i've covered it up since like 2 - 3 month ago when i started really thinking about it.

Continuing the timeline im in high school and i tried dating more but it was until after high school when i had sex for the first time and that was when i started to have a real discomfort with my body. i tried having sex only 3 times and it didn't feel right, dont get me wrong i loved messing around with the girl but when it came to the girl messing around with me it felt like she should be doing i what im doing with her. like the 3rd time i couldn't do anything because i was so self-conscious of it not feeling right. then a couple years pass to last summer and i tried to have sex again but it was even weirder this time because it the girl was seeing was a girlfriend i had in high school, and she was the first girl that i want to try having sex with, not because of her body or whatever but it felt we could share an new experience with. but this was when i realized too that i need a serious relationship be intimate with someone. but i was already close her but i just couldn't because i was being self conscious about that between my legs instead of a vagina. and it feels like the only reason i would have a girlfriend so i could have a best friend who was a girl and hang out with all her girlfriends.

Now im up to this point where as the days go on i feel more foreign in my body. like i try and see myself in the future as a guy and nothing comes up except being super depressed but when i see myself as a girl i see myself being happy and doing things with my life i've never thought i could do. like as guy i have no sense of myself and don't think i can be anything dream of being. like i want to doing in videography or architecture since im really into skateboarding but i can't see myself as a guy in suit saying "hello my name is michael and i'm an architect". but i do see a girl in a dress saying, "hello my names marilyn and i'm an architect!" i don't know like i've barely done anything with my life because i hate living as a guy, im tired of faking it to myself and others around me. i feel like its holding back from who i'm supposed to be. and i want to be proactive about it and do something about it and find help. i want to live my life the way see it should be than whats told by others what it should be. i always felt like a girl who was one of the guys, not im guy whos one of the guys. but yeah i did leave out a good amount of my past because the things i did say i feel are more important to me than others. i want to read some of your thoughts, especially transwoman because im really interested in transitioning and i want to do it the right way. but i really want to talk to other trans people and see a gender therapist and see if its the right thing. if anyone is from the Washington DC area talk to me I live in Maryland and work in DC. oh and Marilyn is the name i call myself btw, its not referring to any person except for growing up in maryland and if youre from maryland, you know the correct way to say maryland is marilyn, no d and no emphasis on the I. i just love the name marilyn. just thought i had state why i called myself marilyn earlier ha.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Marilyn. I like that name a lot, too.

What you described could be the story of many of us. I didn't feel entirely right, either, and began cross dressing in my early teens. Sexual relations didn't feel right to me, either, and I wanted to be the girl at the time. Watching girls in middle school or high school, I was much more interested in being them than dating them. So even though are ages are far apart, our history is not.

So where to go from here? Your best bet, besides reading a lot of forum threads here, is to find a gender therapist and set up an appointment. There are a lot of resources in Maryland, especially in the larger cities. There is a list, by state, here at LP:

http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

I hope you look around and post all the questions you might have. I think the answers will help you a lot. There are other sites to search that have good information on the process of gender change, including TS Road Map and the WPATH Standards of Care, Version 7.

I do ask all our new members to please read the site Terms and Conditions, as they help us keep the site safe. The link is at the lower right of every page. After five posts, you'll have access to all the site features, including the Private Message (PM) system.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

Hi Marilyn,

Welcome to the playground. While places were different i shared many of your feelings and experiences. Laura's helped me. I found i wasn't as alone as i thought i was. Carolyn is right a gender therapist (GT) is a great help as well. Mine helped me to understand and made some of the obstacles that came up much easier to deal with.

Take your time . Explore and ask questions or share your experiences.

We are here to help each other.

Hugs,

Charlie