The Shell

[Guest melissaker]

What am I ? That is a question I asked myself every day, of every year, since I was old enough to ask questions. And after 40 some odd years, I ve found the answer,plain and simple, I am a shell. No not a tv,cd,trans,andro, intersexed,or any other term you may find,then what am I?, I am a shell.You see, i ve talked to alot of good people, of all genders, people, of what I thought were my gender. Until I realised I dont have a gender, and never will. Because I am just a shell.OK,OK, now I will explain my realization.You see,I am not a male, and I am not a female,so where does that leave me?I am non- existant. When I die, I will not even have left a foot print on the earth,when I stand before God,he will ask me who did you love?, and I will answer him,neither was I loved, nor did I love.Then he will ask why?, and I will tell him,I was a shell. Since my earliest days I knew I was a girl,but I never heard of another boy who was really a girl,so only in secret I was a girl.Then in my teens it happened,I hit puberty,I became A BIG STRONG MAN, the very thing I didnt want to happen.I tried to forget the nonsense,and just be the man I was,the man everybody else saw,the man I was suppose to be.The only thing was, I was a girl not a boy.It was doomed to failure. You see the man I project is not a man but a shell,a mask I put on and only take off,when I am alone in the dark. He is what everbody thinks he should be strong, masculine, dominant, aggressive and my protector. Sounds great the only thing is he really doesnt exist,he is an empty shell. Well then, the answer is simple, just transition to be the women I really am,right.That would be the answer if it were possible,but its not.You see when I said I developed into a man,I did, into a man that could play offensive tackle for any pro team, being 6-4, 320, on top of that I have medical reasons as to why I cant take hormones . And before anybody says, oh there are plenty of large women,yes, in the circus maybe. So where does that leave me today?, I am destined to wear the shell till I die . To not be male or female,to not love or be loved,to never be truly happy,,,to be a shell.To any younger people who may read this, learn something from my life, If you feel you are in the wrong body,tell someone,preferably your parents,even though they may be upset at first, and not understand,but they are your parents, and they love you, give them a chance. Also it is important that you see a therapist,so together you can find out who, and what you are. DONT be a shell. I want to thank Laura for creating this wonderful, life saving site, you have left big footprints on this planet,God bless you. Melissa

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I think you are wrong. You said you felt like you were a girl all your life? Then you grew int male body - a big one? And you don't believe you can transition - and don't want anyone to say you can?

Bull hockey.

You just want someone to say this - so I will.

You are a woman, always have been, always will be - at least that is what it sounds like. No one is a 'shell' you know.

So lose the self pity thing and listen to your heart. Be whom you truly are. And the transition thing? Its not necessary to transition if you know who you are - it's an OPTION.

I am accepting my option to transition. I am age 61, I am 6'2" and started out at 236 pounds - I will pass. if I don't so who cares. I am doing something about being happy for the rest of my life. God is gonna say - GOOD JOB ELIZABETH.

[Sally]

I agree with Elizabeth and I will go a little further here.

I have not taken any horomones yet I had never gone out in public en femme until my therapist suggested that I come to my sessions as Sally.

I shaved off my mustache and pulled my hair into a ponytail, put on a skirt and shell purchased at an outlet store, a pair of high heeled sandals a little make up to cover any light shadow and went to her office, mo one noticed me walking through the lobby, on the way out the Fed Ex man held the dorr for me and called me ma'am.

My therapist had asked me how I passed as male.

Why am I telling you this?

Because I am 6' 4" tall and at that time was over 360 pounds, if you believe that you are a woman so will everyone else.

Height, weight and facial features are the excuses to not transition and present female, you have a reason for not taking hormones but only excuses for not living your life as a female.

With a therpist's help you can get letters and documentation to aloow you to live as a woman without transitioning because of your medical condition - you will have to ask, you will have to push and it will not be easy, but you have no reason not to progress and be happy, only excuses.

I have been hiding behind excuses far too long myself and you caught me on the day That I decided that I was through waiting, I've taken mylife off of hold and am moving forward no matter what.

You need to do the same thing - follow your dreams, they are not going to come and break in your door and say, "Melissa, we got tired of waiting!"

They will just die.

When I face God, it will be as a woman and he will smile and say, "I'm so glad that you finally got it right, Sally, but may I ask why you waited so long?"

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest melissaker]

I think you are wrong. You said you felt like you were a girl all your life? Then you grew int male body - a big one? And you don't believe you can transition - and don't want anyone to say you can?

Bull hockey.

You just want someone to say this - so I will.

You are a woman, always have been, always will be - at least that is what it sounds like. No one is a 'shell' you know.

So lose the self pity thing and listen to your heart. Be whom you truly are. And the transition thing? Its not necessary to transition if you know who you are - it's an OPTION.

I am accepting my option to transition. I am age 61, I am 6'2" and started out at 236 pounds - I will pass. if I don't so who cares. I am doing something about being happy for the rest of my life. God is gonna say - GOOD JOB ELIZABETH.

Elizabeth,thank you for your input and the swift kick in the pants.(grin) About a week ago,I started slipping into a deep depression,I ve been crying for days,I dont know what brought it on,but I never felt like this before. I read somewhere on Lauras site where it said,to write things out,that it may start the healing prosess.So I started writing the post.It was NEVER my intention to ever insult anyone on this site, what I wrote, were some dark feelings I have about myself, nobody but myself ,and to tell you the truth,I am starting to feel better after putting them on paper. Maybe I just had to confront those issues. I think transgendered people are the strongest, and bravest people on earth. See I dont have an issue with self pity, but with self hatred. Self hatred, not for being transgender, but for being a coward, for not being my true self. So I apologize to all that took my post the wrong way.The message I wanted it to convey was, not to hide from your true self,to have the courage to be yourself. One good thing happened this week, I made an appoitment for the first time with a therapist,maybe she will help me find that courage. I hope I can call you my friend Elizabeth.

[Guest melissaker]

I agree with Elizabeth and I will go a little further here.

I have not taken any horomones yet I had never gone out in public en femme until my therapist suggested that I come to my sessions as Sally.

I shaved off my mustache and pulled my hair into a ponytail, put on a skirt and shell purchased at an outlet store, a pair of high heeled sandals a little make up to cover any light shadow and went to her office, mo one noticed me walking through the lobby, on the way out the Fed Ex man held the dorr for me and called me ma'am.

My therapist had asked me how I passed as male.

Why am I telling you this?

Because I am 6' 4" tall and at that time was over 360 pounds, if you believe that you are a woman so will everyone else.

Height, weight and facial features are the excuses to not transition and present female, you have a reason for not taking hormones but only excuses for not living your life as a female.

With a therpist's help you can get letters and documentation to aloow you to live as a woman without transitioning because of your medical condition - you will have to ask, you will have to push and it will not be easy, but you have no reason not to progress and be happy, only excuses.

I have been hiding behind excuses far too long myself and you caught me on the day That I decided that I was through waiting, I've taken mylife off of hold and am moving forward no matter what.

You need to do the same thing - follow your dreams, they are not going to come and break in your door and say, "Melissa, we got tired of waiting!"

They will just die.

When I face God, it will be as a woman and he will smile and say, "I'm so glad that you finally got it right, Sally, but may I ask why you waited so long?"

Love ya,

Sally

Sally, I just wanted to say, I am sorry if I insulted you,as that was never my intent. If you read my reply to Elizabeth,the post was written about me, more over, it was about my lack of courage. I am so glad you wrote back, and told me your story. You have no idea what an inspiration it is to me.There are so many things I dont know, I need to learn so much. You are exactly right though,I am hiding behind my excuses,because I am terrified. You gave me excellent advise and I just want to say thankyou for caring enough to reply to my cry for help............Love always Melissa

[Guest Ashlee]

Melissa,

I think every one of us here can say at one time we felt we lacked courage... I know I sure did.

Good for you on making an appointment with a therapist. That first time you will feel nervous, but after you get started, everything will just want to come out - and you will feel sooooo much better.

You have friends here, lots and lots of friends. I would love to have you be my friend!

{Hugs}

Ashlee

[Guest ~Brenda~]

What am I ? That is a question I asked myself every day, of every year, since I was old enough to ask questions. And after 40 some odd years, I ve found the answer,plain and simple, I am a shell. No not a tv,cd,trans,andro, intersexed,or any other term you may find,then what am I?, I am a shell.You see, i ve talked to alot of good people, of all genders, people, of what I thought were my gender. Until I realised I dont have a gender, and never will. Because I am just a shell.OK,OK, now I will explain my realization.You see,I am not a male, and I am not a female,so where does that leave me?I am non- existant. When I die, I will not even have left a foot print on the earth,when I stand before God,he will ask me who did you love?, and I will answer him,neither was I loved, nor did I love.Then he will ask why?, and I will tell him,I was a shell. Since my earliest days I knew I was a girl,but I never heard of another boy who was really a girl,so only in secret I was a girl.Then in my teens it happened,I hit puberty,I became A BIG STRONG MAN, the very thing I didnt want to happen.I tried to forget the nonsense,and just be the man I was,the man everybody else saw,the man I was suppose to be.The only thing was, I was a girl not a boy.It was doomed to failure. You see the man I project is not a man but a shell,a mask I put on and only take off,when I am alone in the dark. He is what everbody thinks he should be strong, masculine, dominant, aggressive and my protector. Sounds great the only thing is he really doesnt exist,he is an empty shell. Well then, the answer is simple, just transition to be the women I really am,right.That would be the answer if it were possible,but its not.You see when I said I developed into a man,I did, into a man that could play offensive tackle for any pro team, being 6-4, 320, on top of that I have medical reasons as to why I cant take hormones . And before anybody says, oh there are plenty of large women,yes, in the circus maybe. So where does that leave me today?, I am destined to wear the shell till I die . To not be male or female,to not love or be loved,to never be truly happy,,,to be a shell.To any younger people who may read this, learn something from my life, If you feel you are in the wrong body,tell someone,preferably your parents,even though they may be upset at first, and not understand,but they are your parents, and they love you, give them a chance. Also it is important that you see a therapist,so together you can find out who, and what you are. DONT be a shell. I want to thank Laura for creating this wonderful, life saving site, you have left big footprints on this planet,God bless you. Melissa

Dearest Melissa,

I completely understand what you are going through. I am in my late 40's, biologically male, and knew I was female since I was 4 years old. You are a person of great value. You are loved! We all truely understand you and care about you. Never feel alone. We are here to talk, support, help you and each other. You are not a shell, an empty person. Believe it or not, the fact you can see your feminity and talk about it places you at a level of enlightenment very few people achieve. A shell doesn't achieve enlightenment. A beautiful person does! I am here to help you in anyway that I can.

Your loving friend,

bernie

[Sally]

Sally, I just wanted to say, I am sorry if I insulted you,as that was never my intent. If you read my reply to Elizabeth,the post was written about me, more over, it was about my lack of courage. I am so glad you wrote back, and told me your story. You have no idea what an inspiration it is to me.There are so many things I dont know, I need to learn so much. You are exactly right though,I am hiding behind my excuses,because I am terrified. You gave me excellent advise and I just want to say thankyou for caring enough to reply to my cry for help............Love always Melissa

Sweetheart,

You didn't insult me, I hoped after I posted that you would not be insulted but realize that I was only trying to help.

Admittedly, Melissa, we are going to be big girls, dieting won't change our heights, but tall girls can be gorgeous too.

And for leg men - we have so much to offer.

I had been on hold during my divorce which is dragging on and your post came the very day that I had contacted my therapist to start seeing her again - so I'm on the move again, care to join me?

There is still time - that train hasn't left the station, the conductor is a friend of Laura's Playground and he will hold the train for you - don't make us wait too long.

Love ya,

Sally