Ftm? Genderqueer? I don't know what am I...

[Guest Kadaj]

Hello everyone,

I subscribe in this forum because I've read some cases like mine... I'm really confused.

I don't know what I am yet. I think I could be an ftm because I feel like a boy, and I'd like to be called with male pronouns, I'd like to have a male voice, I'm so frustrated when everyone call me with female pronouns... so I feel like I could be an ftm, but at the same time, I ask to me if I could be only genderqueer, because I love to look like an ephebic, feminine, androgynous boy.

I sway from the surely to take the ftm way, to the incertain because it's too hard to face... when I'm sure about what I feel to be and what I'd love to be, I'm happy and calm! When I'm incertain I'm really frustrated... so... what the hell am I?! Can you help me? Is there some ftm who feel like me? (Androgynous) thank's to everyone who will answer and sorry for my BAD english but I'm italian and when I've found this forum I felt better cause I've seen some cases like mine and I wanted to tell you my situation, cases which I've not found in italian forums...

[MaryEllen]

Hello Kadaj,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Don't worry about your English. You're doing just fine.

The best way to find out who you are would be to get counseling from a gender therapist. There are many here who are questioning their gender identity so, hopefully, they'll come in and share their experiences with you.

MaryEllen

[Guest rexxmarksley]

That is exactly how I feel about it all! I'd go by definition queer because as much as I'd like to be male presenting I do have so many genderqueer qualities and feelings. I guess it's each person's feelings individually

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's dear. While my gender issues are different i do understand the frustration and need to know what i am! When i came here i was so confused and searching. Over time here and with help from a gender therapist i have found some peace with myself. I walk my road now with my head high and sleep well at night.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest tolachi]

Hi kadaj!

You are most definitely not alone! I am exactly the same! All my life I've felt the same but never knew exactly what was wrong with myself until my late 30s.

I feel smack in the middle of the gender scale.... masculine (but not butch) female/ feminine guy.

Some days I question am I ftm but the thoughts of facial hair would drive me crazy (lol)

I feel like I wish I had the deep voice, a slightly more masculine face and be where people would instantly think I'm male then think I was a beautiful male! I wouldn't want to be a butch male. I am not girly at all but I do have lots of feminine traits.

It is extremely confusing isn't it?

I would love to be called by male pronouns rather than female and I'm not happy being associated as a female. But to transition to male would be far too much.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a male spirit living this life in a female body!

You can talk to me anytime about this because I know and live the difficulties. I look at guys clothing and wish my body was made to fit it! I feel invisible. I identify as androgynous because it suits me best I guess. It would be good if we could just flick a switch and become who we really feel we are wouldn't it?

Big hugs!

[Guest Alexisyoi]

Hello everyone,

I subscribe in this forum because I've read some cases like mine... I'm really confused.

I don't know what I am yet. I think I could be an ftm because I feel like a boy, and I'd like to be called with male pronouns, I'd like to have a male voice, I'm so frustrated when everyone call me with female pronouns... so I feel like I could be an ftm, but at the same time, I ask to me if I could be only genderqueer, because I love to look like an ephebic, feminine, androgynous boy.

I sway from the surely to take the ftm way, to the incertain because it's too hard to face... when I'm sure about what I feel to be and what I'd love to be, I'm happy and calm! When I'm incertain I'm really frustrated... so... what the hell am I?! Can you help me? Is there some ftm who feel like me? (Androgynous) thank's to everyone who will answer and sorry for my BAD english but I'm italian and when I've found this forum I felt better cause I've seen some cases like mine and I wanted to tell you my situation, cases which I've not found in italian forums...

Hi! I felt like that too. I am female born, so to say, and I was completely and utterly convinced that I was ftm as was the people who gave me the diagnosis. I have gone through hormone therapy and chest surgery but more and more I am starting to crumble under the pressure of being male. I have to like this, I have to do this and wear this and I have to hate all of my feminine sides. I am told constantly that I can't keep my so called feminine interests, that I can't care about what I look like before I leave the house and that I must want to look like a mix between a bear, a Neanderthal and the hulk. Personally I am pleased with some of the changes the hormones did, but the hair, the muscle growth and the increase in appetite has been far from pleasing to me. When I have talked to other ftms, those things have been things they loved. That's when my worries began.

I do not regret starting hormone therapy and going through my transitioning because it made me find out who I really am, or at least I am getting there. I had quite a big chest which I couldn't deal with so I do not regret the surgery. I do feel like getting back some chest now and I have started to feel an real desire to do feminine things again. Basically, to me the term androgynous suited me better than any other. I like the freedom of being able to walk in the middle of the genders, of being able to take what I like from each gender and kind of make my own gender with those things. It feels like androgyny, and genderqueer is quite a creative gender compared to being kind of forced by the gender roles of society.

If you ever wanna talk, just send me a message, 'Kay?

hugs,

Alexis

That is exactly how I feel about it all! I'd go by definition queer because as much as I'd like to be male presenting I do have so many genderqueer qualities and feelings. I guess it's each person's feelings individually

Me too!

Hi kadaj!

You are most definitely not alone! I am exactly the same! All my life I've felt the same but never knew exactly what was wrong with myself until my late 30s.

I feel smack in the middle of the gender scale.... masculine (but not butch) female/ feminine guy.

Some days I question am I ftm but the thoughts of facial hair would drive me crazy (lol)

I feel like I wish I had the deep voice, a slightly more masculine face and be where people would instantly think I'm male then think I was a beautiful male! I wouldn't want to be a butch male. I am not girly at all but I do have lots of feminine traits.

It is extremely confusing isn't it?

I would love to be called by male pronouns rather than female and I'm not happy being associated as a female. But to transition to male would be far too much.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a male spirit living this life in a female body!

You can talk to me anytime about this because I know and live the difficulties. I look at guys clothing and wish my body was made to fit it! I feel invisible. I identify as androgynous because it suits me best I guess. It would be good if we could just flick a switch and become who we really feel we are wouldn't it?

Big hugs!

Same here! I also feel like I am walking in the middle. I think of myself as an androgynous person with a female physical body and a male and female brain. Like some people are colour blind I consider myself to be gender blind because I think there are much more important, interesting and fantastic things about a person than what gender it is. Explaining that to narrow minded people out there can be a real struggle though. :/

hugs =)

[Guest KatyDesire]

Hi Kadaj. Don't feel bad - you English is certainly a lot better than my Italian (That is an Italian flag, isnt it?)

I come from the other side of the binary divide (hey, that rhymes. Anyone want to make a song out of it?)

Genetic male, but with lots of female inside. Whenever I do those tests - as inaccurate as they are - I always land plumb in the middle. My GT pulls her nose up when I tell her, but I still think it means something.

I like some of the male things - I enjoy cutting things in my garden - I am in the process of building a large water feature. But at the same time I always go out with a handbag which, over the years, has moved further and further away from being a "man-bag" - it is now most definitely feminine. I wear most un-male rings, and my shirts are loads more colourful and attractive than the usual male stuff - although living in a place where our late president used to wear really colourful stuff means that few people look twice. I always thought I was CD, but now I am thinking that I am androgyne. Somewhere in the middle of a sliding scale.

But I am starting to feel more comfortable in this position. 50-something years after realising I was "different", this is starting to feel like a good place to be - for me at least.

And blow the contact sports - its ballet for me any time!

Hugs all round.

[JJ]

For me in the end what really mattered was saying to myself whatever I am is good and I will accept it. Then I was free to really question and explore. It took awhile to realize that I am a binary male-socialization and decades of estrogen have perhaps made me a softer and more aware male but that is all to the good.

It takes a long time to work through. If you are an effeminate male-so be it. If you are a masculine female. Fine too. You can find your niche somewhere. What counts is just letting yourself be you. And embracing that.

Johnny

[Guest Luce Moonbeam]

My advice is no substitute for a therapist's conclusion. I'll offer some personal advice though. In my case, I keep a lot of journals. I also reread them often. Being androgynous, I've asked the same kinds of questions. The one that helped me most was "Is the thought of going to the other end of the spectrum because I want to be that, or is it because I just don't want to be what I am?" which at the time for me was "classically male," for lack of a better term. From what you write, you have a handle on your appearance and mental direction. Would a physical change get you closer to those things? Those are questions that are answered over time, and thus I am not of much help.

Oh, and you you have a cool username.

Luce

[Guest Kadaj]

"Is the thought of going to the other end of the spectrum because I want to be that, or is it because I just don't want to be what I am?"

I often wonder it, but I think the conclusion would be "I don't want to be me just because I'm not what I would like to be.." I don't know if it works..

There are times that I feel in the middle, like I am nothing... but I never identify as a woman.

Anyway, my therapist is helping me.

Last time there was her collegue, he has had cases of gender identity issues, and he told me that, for now, he isn't going to diagnose the disphory, because he thinks that my situation would concerns more aspects, like a more general situation.

All this, I think, because I have had a boyfriend, who is gay. And I think that, in his opinion, this created confusion in my mind.

But I also think that to him, it is not possible that a boy would be more feminine. I think he doesn't go

out of stereotypes.

Anyway thanks to everyone!

Thank you Luce, your name means "Light" in italian but I think you already know this!

[ajnaf12]

I am in the SAME boat. I had no idea there was such thing as gender fluidity, or genderqueer until Ruby Rose. I had struggled with pronouns forever, because at times, you truly cannot tell what i am. . But i am in a healthy place with that now. I let people call me whatever they percieve me as. How am i supposed to tell them what i want them to call me when I dont even know how i classify myself.. SO I let go of all the labels in my life. I quit naming and categorizing things. I have NEVER EVER felt better. Things roll off my back and do not bother me at all anymore. BUT I still feel something is missing. I am very interested in being male... a little too interested i think and clues from my childhood make me think I should have been male as well.