Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Okay, let's do this...


Guest flammingcorn

Recommended Posts

Guest flammingcorn

Alright, I read the terms and conditions so I think I am doing this right. I generally suck at forums though, so hopefully I'm doing this right.

Anyway, I guess I should explain myself or something here. Mainly, the story of my journey so far. It is somewhat short, as I am only in the beginning of it, but I feel like I should share it none the less. That being said, here it goes...

It started last year I think, even though technically it had been happening all my life. I can't remember which month it was, but I remember sitting with my grandma in her room. While I had been having these feelings, I had never brought them up. I decided now was a good time. I looked over to my grandma and said, "You know, sometime I just feel like I'm a boy. Like, just the way I feel about myself. I just feel like a boy."

She didn't seemed too surprised by this, actually. I even actually forget what her comment on it was, because it really wasn't for or against the idea. It was more on the supportive side, sure, but it wasn't what I'd call supportive. More or less just a sign of acknowledgement. Of course, at that time it wasn't a big deal, because I really didn't have any idea what this meant, and didn't really intend to act on it. I was simply stating a feeling.

Of course, things had escalated quickly only a few months later. At one point I had talked to a friend about my feelings, asking him for advice on it all. After describing my feelings, he asked, "Are you sure you're not trans?". At this point I was like, "No. I don't think so." Of course, the thought still lingered with me.

Finally, while looking through my inbox on devaintART one day (it was around October I think), I saw some art from an artist I greatly admired. Wanting to check out the new picture, I clicked on it. From there, I decided to go to the artists profile and look at his other works. While looking at one, I noticed that it was trans themed. It was then I remembered that the artist was trans. I had never really thought about it before, I always just liked his art and stayed out of his personal life. Still, I decided I would look at his other trans journals and works. I wanted to read about his journey.

After looking around and reading about his struggles and such, I found it really inspiring. His childhood somewhat reminded me of my own. Even when I was little, I was never really a "girl". I mean, I called myself a girl and considered myself one, because that's what everyone told me I was. Everyone made it seem like I had to be one, whether I liked it or not. Even if I thought otherwise, to do so was "wrong" or "bad". So I just lived on blissfully unaware of myself. Still, I dressed in more masculine clothes and played with all the boys as opposed to the girls. When I went into the toy aisle, I avoided "the pink aisle" like the plague, and opted for Ninja Turtles and Jurrasic Park dinosaurs instead of dolls. Even when I was given girl toy gifts at Christmas, I would basically ignore them. Barbies never left their boxes. I remember my mom bought me a doll house, which I proceeded to kick the dolls out of and let dinosaurs move in to.

One year, my papaw actually took notice to my interests and bought me a Tonka truck while the other girls got Barbies. Unfortunately, I took this as an insult. He was basically calling me a boy, and as I had been taught, that was a bad thing. At first I cried, feeling like an outcast. It wasn't until I got home that I actually played with the truck. I had a blast, to say the least. Much better than those horrible Barbies they had tried to push on me all those years.

Even when it came to playing make believe, instead of pretending to be the female character of something, I was always the male. I remember playing "The Lion King" and forcing my brother to be Nala so I could be Simba. When it wasn't an established thing from the media, I also pretended to be my own male personas and such. I would make my own characters, and act them out. Never once did I make a female character to be.

Taking those past experiences into account and feeling inspired, I decided to research the subject. The more I read and understood, the more I knew what applied to me. I finally understood. I was a male. I decided to consult my friend again. He was very supportive, and helped me understand a little better. After all, he had a few trans friends in real life and knew some things from them.

After a few days, I decided to talk about my feelings to my grandma again. I was halfway living with her at this point anyway. I told her how I had been researching things, and thinking hard about how I saw myself and felt. I pretty much just came out to her there. This time she was considerably supportive. She admittedly didn't really understand, but she said she loved me and wanted me to be happy. I then proceeded to tell my aunt and little cousin about it, because they lived there too. Again, nothing but support. C:

There was a problem though. Namely, my mother. While my aunt and grandma were very open minded, my mother was not. She's an old fashioned southern Baptist if that tells you anything. It didn't help that she always aspired for me to be the girly-girl she always was either. She was always pushing me into beauty pageants and cheerleading practices. She had always bought my clothes pink and insisted on Barbies. Dresses were a big thing with her. To tell her I was actually a guy would not go well with her.

It was then I decided to start something of a double life. When around my open-minded company I would be the "male me" and around my mother and other less open-minded people, I would be the "female me". Even now, my Facebook is set to female, as to keep my mother from finding out. I hid my gender to make me feel a little better, but even then, it still says "[my name] has updated HER profile". That drives me pretty crazy. I don't like female pronouns, even when I'm pretending for my mother's sake. It feels wrong.

When she comes over, I have to hide my binder. Luckily for me, I am a cosplayer, so buying it was all excused with that. She doesn't know I use it everyday. I think she would crap a brick if she did.

I know this because of my haircut. See, when I started transitioning (best I could for what I was working with), I started wearing male clothing. My mother didn't like this, but as long as I still had breasts appearing under my shirt and a semi-feminine haircut (it was a boy cut at the time, but it still looked pretty feminine), she was alright. It wasn't until I got my mohawk that she flipped her lid.

Ahh...I'm trying my best to keep this story organized and to the point, but it's kinda hard. Basically, the more I lived this double life, the more depressed I became. At one point a lot of other things began piling on me, and I couldn't take it anymore. As I was in the bathroom one day, my reflection caught my eye. I hated the person I was looking at. They were ugly. I didn't want to look like them anymore. The thing I hated the most? My hair. There was just too much of it. It needed to be destroyed.

Our neighbor up the hill was a hairdresser, and sometimes gave haircuts out of her house for cheap. Taking off on my own, I used what money I had (namely, my Christmas money) and headed up the hill. For ten dollars, she shaved off everything into the haircut of my dreams. After all, I had always wanted a mohawk, but was too afraid to act on it. At this point I was too depressed to care.

Needless to say, my mom found out and pitched a fit. She called me on my cell phone and screamed at me so loudly that her voice almost went out. She bombarded me with bible quotes and homophobic slurs. It was pretty terrible. At the end, just to calm her down I said, "Sorry." She retaliated with "You're not sorry!" which was true, I wasn't. I shouldn't have to be. Still, she finished up with the sentence, "When you want to be my daughter again, you call me!" and then hung up the phone. We didn't talk for maybe rwo weeks after that.

As of right now, she still doesn't know. I still have my mohawk, and I dress as masculine as I want. The only thing I don't do it front of her is bind. We're still playing this stupid game, and it's driving me nuts. She talks to me now, but still doesn't approve. She actually keeps asking if I'm a lesbian. I keep telling her no. After all, I am not a female nor have an attraction to females. I don't think she believes me.

Anyway, after all that crap, it's becoming increasingly conflicting to live the way I have been. This half male-half female life has to go. I have to come out to her and transition properly. I don't know how to though. I'm very scared. It almost seem easier to die than it does to live the way I need to. Don't get me wrong, I would never harm myself. Still, I am becoming quite depressed. I just don't know what to do. I guess telling my story here is helpful, but I'm not sure where to go from there.

None the less, thanks for reading. I'm sure this site will help me greatly.

Link to comment
Guest flammingcorn

WHOA. Okay, yes. I don't know how to update this. I have some good news though.

Sometime after posting this, my mom showed up here out of the blue. I am not even joking. It kind of freaked me out, and I tried to play it cool.

Something kind of amazing happened though. She was sitting here on the couch next to me and was talking to all of us as normal. That's when she looked over at me, and she said. "You know I love you, right?"

I told her yes. She kept going on about how sometimes she doesn't understand me, but that she would love me no matter what, and that my life was my journey, and that I had to be the one to take it.

For a brief moment, I thought she had figured it out. She never really came out and said it, though, so I kept playing it cool. After about five minutes of this, however, I knew it was time. I had to tell her. This was it.

Quietly I walked over to the nearest bedroom door and said, "Mom? Can you come here for a second? I need to talk to you."

She came into the room, and we shut the door. That's when I broke down crying and told her everything. I told her about how long I had held it in, and how horrible I had been feeling about it all. I told her about how scared I was and how sorry I was if I had hurt her.

There was a bunch of crying and hugging, and while she admitted she didn't reall uphold the idea religiously, she would love me no matter what I wanted to be.

A great weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I can't even describe the feeling, though I'm sure many of you understand.

Just thought I needed to share that. C:

Link to comment
  • Admin

That's amazing, and wonderful, hon. I am really happy for you. You have a very terrific mother.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

:) For me - tears of joy - a very nice start to Sunday - a mother indeed

Tracy x

Link to comment
Guest flammingcorn

AHH, yes! This feels so great! I can't believe it turned out the way it did. I have to say, me and my mom are now closer than we have been in a REALLY long time! I feel like my prayers have been answered. <3

Link to comment
Guest miss kindheart

Hi FlammingCorn,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules. :)
We all look forward to seeing you.
:wub: vanna

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...
Guest Fall

Welcome! I am also a new member and I just posted my own intro, but I wanted to say hi! I am from Georgia, and I know how challenging it can be to deal with that sort of religious mindset. I'm very happy to hear that your mother has let go of her prejudices and decided to embrace you. I lived a double life for sometime myself, and I'm glad to hear that you don't have to anymore. I'm also really glad that your grandmother was so accepting. My grandmother was a huge source of strength to me as well, and I have even gone so far as to base my middle name after her's. Good people are essential to the positive growth of people that have to deal with issues as big as ours, and I hope you continue to gather them. I wish you the best as you continue down the path you seem to be so happy on.

Autumn

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   2 Members, 0 Anonymous, 127 Guests (See full list)

    • Carolyn Marie
    • Mmindy
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,945
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Melissa_J
    Newest Member
    Melissa_J
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • Mmindy
      My mother's maiden name is Schwinegruber, and to say that cabbage in all forms of use for our dinner table is an understatement.   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Davie
    • EasyE
      So, I jumped on the "E" train last week and am about 10 days into my HRT journey. I have the tiniest patch available. I laughed when I opened it. "This little thing is supposed to give me more feminine characteristics?"   I haven't really felt much of anything so far, not that I expected to at this point. I am really, really tired but that may be other factors (like staying up too late to watch NCAA basketball every night). The one noticeable difference is that my libido seems to be a lot more subdued. Not that I am proud of this, but the big M was a practically a daily part of life for me. My daily comfort and way to get an endorphin hit or just deal with loneliness. The past week, though, has been, "meh." Is that the HRT tamping things down? Or just a normal down cycle for me? Not sure yet. Time will tell.   I have been very quiet about things overall. Only a few people know. No one in my immediate family. I fear the backlash I will get when they find out. Worst- case scenario, my daughters stop talking to me. That would kill me. I hope I can show them over time, "See, I am still me."   Met with my endo on Wednesday. He is good for me to up the dose when I feel comfortable. For now, I think I am going to stand pat and take things nice and slow. Of course, I could see myself tomorrow asking him to send in the script for the higher dose...   I keep asking myself, what is the end game with all of this. Unlike many on here, I don't have a concrete answer yet. I am not convinced I will "go all the way" and change my name and ID, etc. Part of me would love to soldier on just as I am but with a lot more feminine physical characteristics and a more distinctly feminine wardrobe. What does that make me? Non-binary? Not sure.  Again, I am just me, as unorthodox as that is...   All I know is that this is something I want to do. I am comfortable walking this path for now. Again, we'll see. As always, would appreciate any feedback the more experienced folks may have. Blessings to all!    EasyE
    • Ivy
      I grew up with it, my mother's side were Germans.  I still like cabbage.  I make a sweet/sour dish with vinegar and brown sugar, add some bacon if you have it.  And in warmer weather, slaw.  I like that better if it's a few days old, and has worked off a little.
    • Ivy
      Pity that we can't just respect each other and get along.
    • Willow
      Good Friday Morning    I will be spending a good portion of my day at church today.  I don’t know how any of my family would have been with me.  They all passed before I figured myself out.  I often think my mother and sister may have figured it out before I did but maybe it was just my depression that they saw.  I don’t know and never will.  My grandfather Young unconditionally loved me but he passed when I was 9.   Same with my wife’s parents, both gone before.  We’ve never had the greatest relationship with my wife’s brother but we do see them occasionally.  They words and actions aren’t always in sink when it comes to me.   Sour kraut or boil cabbage were never big even with my parents so that was something we were never expected to eat.  Nor was anything with mustard.  My mother hated mustard and it turns my stomach. My wife tried to sneak it into things early in our marriage but I could always tell.  She stopped after a while.   well I wave to go get ready to go to church.  I have a committee meeting at 10 and then we have a Good Friday Service at noon.   Willow
    • Mmindy
      Good morning everyone,   @KymmieLI hope you're misreading your bosses communications. As you say keep plugging a long. Don't give them signs that you're slow quitting, just to collect unemployment.   I have a few things to do business wise, and will be driving to the St. Louis, MO area for two family gatherings.   Have a great day,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • KymmieL
      Good morning everyone, TGIFF   It seems like I am the one keeping or shop from being the best. According to the boss. I don't know if my days are numbered or not. But anymore I am waiting for the axe to fall. Time will tell.   I keep plugging a long.   Kymmie
    • KymmieL
      In the warmer weather, Mine is hitting the road on the bike. Just me, the bike, and the road. Other is it music or working on one of my many projects.   Kymmie
    • LC
      That is wonderful. Congratulations!
    • Heather Shay
      What is relaxation to you? Nature? Movie? Reading? Cuddling with a pet? Music?
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      Having just a normal emotional day.
    • Heather Shay
      AMUSEMENT The feeling when you encounter something silly, ironic, witty, or absurd, which makes you laugh. You have the urge to be playful and share the joke with others. Similar words: Mirth Amusement is the emotional reaction to humor. This can be something that is intended to be humorous, like when someone tells a good joke or when a friend dresses up in a ridiculous costume. But it can also be something that you find funny that was not intended to be humorous, like when you read a sign with a spelling error that turns it into an ironic pun. For millennia, philosophers and scholars have been attempting to explain what exactly it is that makes something funny. This has led to several different theories. Nowadays, the most widely accepted one is the Incongruity Theory, which states that something is amusing if it violates our standards of how things are supposed to be. For example, Charlie Chaplin-style slapstick is funny because it violates our norms of competence and proper conduct, while Monty Python-style absurdity is funny because it violates reason and logic. However, not every standard or norm violation is necessarily funny. Violations can also evoke confusion, indignation, or shock. An important condition for amusement is that there is a certain psychological distance to the violation. One of the ways to achieve this is captured by the statement ‘comedy is tragedy plus time’. A dreadful mistake today may become a funny story a year from now. But it can also be distant in other ways, for instance, because it happened to someone you do not know, or because it happens in fiction instead of in real life. Amusement also needs a safe and relaxed environment: people who are relaxed and among friends are much more likely to feel amused by something. A violation and sufficient psychological distance are the basic ingredients for amusement, but what any one person find funny will depend on their taste and sense of humor. There are dozens of ‘humor genres’, such as observational comedy, deadpan, toilet humor, and black comedy. Amusement is contagious: in groups, people are more prone to be amused and express their amusement more overtly. People are more likely to share amusement when they are with friends or like-minded people. For these reasons, amusement is often considered a social emotion. It encourages people to engage in social interactions and it promotes social bonding. Many people consider amusement to be good for the body and the soul. By the end of the 20th century, humor and laughter were considered important for mental and physical health, even by psychoneuroimmunology researchers who suggested that emotions influenced immunity. This precipitated the ‘humor and health movement’ among health care providers who believed that humor and laughter help speed recovery, including in patients suffering from cancer1). However, the evidence for health benefits of humor and laughter is less conclusive than commonly believed2. Amusement is a frequent target of regulation: we down-regulate it by shifting our attention to avoid inappropriate laughter, or up-regulate it by focusing on a humorous aspect of a negative situation. Interestingly, amusement that is purposefully up-regulated has been found to have the same beneficial physical and psychological effects as the naturally experienced emotion. Amusement has a few clear expressions that emerge depending on the intensity of the emotion. When people are mildly amused, they tend to smile or chuckle. When amusement intensifies, people laugh out loud and tilt or bob their head. The most extreme bouts of amusement may be accompanied by uncontrollable laughter, tears, and rolling on the floor. Most cultures welcome and endorse amusement. Many people even consider a ‘good sense of humor’ as one of the most desirable characteristics in a partner. At the same time, most cultures have (implicit) rules about what is the right time and place for amusement. For example, displays of amusement may be deemed inappropriate in situations that demand seriousness or solemness, such as at work or during religious rituals.
    • Heather Shay
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...