Okay, let's do this...

[Guest flammingcorn]

Alright, I read the terms and conditions so I think I am doing this right. I generally suck at forums though, so hopefully I'm doing this right.

Anyway, I guess I should explain myself or something here. Mainly, the story of my journey so far. It is somewhat short, as I am only in the beginning of it, but I feel like I should share it none the less. That being said, here it goes...

It started last year I think, even though technically it had been happening all my life. I can't remember which month it was, but I remember sitting with my grandma in her room. While I had been having these feelings, I had never brought them up. I decided now was a good time. I looked over to my grandma and said, "You know, sometime I just feel like I'm a boy. Like, just the way I feel about myself. I just feel like a boy."

She didn't seemed too surprised by this, actually. I even actually forget what her comment on it was, because it really wasn't for or against the idea. It was more on the supportive side, sure, but it wasn't what I'd call supportive. More or less just a sign of acknowledgement. Of course, at that time it wasn't a big deal, because I really didn't have any idea what this meant, and didn't really intend to act on it. I was simply stating a feeling.

Of course, things had escalated quickly only a few months later. At one point I had talked to a friend about my feelings, asking him for advice on it all. After describing my feelings, he asked, "Are you sure you're not trans?". At this point I was like, "No. I don't think so." Of course, the thought still lingered with me.

Finally, while looking through my inbox on devaintART one day (it was around October I think), I saw some art from an artist I greatly admired. Wanting to check out the new picture, I clicked on it. From there, I decided to go to the artists profile and look at his other works. While looking at one, I noticed that it was trans themed. It was then I remembered that the artist was trans. I had never really thought about it before, I always just liked his art and stayed out of his personal life. Still, I decided I would look at his other trans journals and works. I wanted to read about his journey.

After looking around and reading about his struggles and such, I found it really inspiring. His childhood somewhat reminded me of my own. Even when I was little, I was never really a "girl". I mean, I called myself a girl and considered myself one, because that's what everyone told me I was. Everyone made it seem like I had to be one, whether I liked it or not. Even if I thought otherwise, to do so was "wrong" or "bad". So I just lived on blissfully unaware of myself. Still, I dressed in more masculine clothes and played with all the boys as opposed to the girls. When I went into the toy aisle, I avoided "the pink aisle" like the plague, and opted for Ninja Turtles and Jurrasic Park dinosaurs instead of dolls. Even when I was given girl toy gifts at Christmas, I would basically ignore them. Barbies never left their boxes. I remember my mom bought me a doll house, which I proceeded to kick the dolls out of and let dinosaurs move in to.

One year, my papaw actually took notice to my interests and bought me a Tonka truck while the other girls got Barbies. Unfortunately, I took this as an insult. He was basically calling me a boy, and as I had been taught, that was a bad thing. At first I cried, feeling like an outcast. It wasn't until I got home that I actually played with the truck. I had a blast, to say the least. Much better than those horrible Barbies they had tried to push on me all those years.

Even when it came to playing make believe, instead of pretending to be the female character of something, I was always the male. I remember playing "The Lion King" and forcing my brother to be Nala so I could be Simba. When it wasn't an established thing from the media, I also pretended to be my own male personas and such. I would make my own characters, and act them out. Never once did I make a female character to be.

Taking those past experiences into account and feeling inspired, I decided to research the subject. The more I read and understood, the more I knew what applied to me. I finally understood. I was a male. I decided to consult my friend again. He was very supportive, and helped me understand a little better. After all, he had a few trans friends in real life and knew some things from them.

After a few days, I decided to talk about my feelings to my grandma again. I was halfway living with her at this point anyway. I told her how I had been researching things, and thinking hard about how I saw myself and felt. I pretty much just came out to her there. This time she was considerably supportive. She admittedly didn't really understand, but she said she loved me and wanted me to be happy. I then proceeded to tell my aunt and little cousin about it, because they lived there too. Again, nothing but support. C:

There was a problem though. Namely, my mother. While my aunt and grandma were very open minded, my mother was not. She's an old fashioned southern Baptist if that tells you anything. It didn't help that she always aspired for me to be the girly-girl she always was either. She was always pushing me into beauty pageants and cheerleading practices. She had always bought my clothes pink and insisted on Barbies. Dresses were a big thing with her. To tell her I was actually a guy would not go well with her.

It was then I decided to start something of a double life. When around my open-minded company I would be the "male me" and around my mother and other less open-minded people, I would be the "female me". Even now, my Facebook is set to female, as to keep my mother from finding out. I hid my gender to make me feel a little better, but even then, it still says "[my name] has updated HER profile". That drives me pretty crazy. I don't like female pronouns, even when I'm pretending for my mother's sake. It feels wrong.

When she comes over, I have to hide my binder. Luckily for me, I am a cosplayer, so buying it was all excused with that. She doesn't know I use it everyday. I think she would crap a brick if she did.

I know this because of my haircut. See, when I started transitioning (best I could for what I was working with), I started wearing male clothing. My mother didn't like this, but as long as I still had breasts appearing under my shirt and a semi-feminine haircut (it was a boy cut at the time, but it still looked pretty feminine), she was alright. It wasn't until I got my mohawk that she flipped her lid.

Ahh...I'm trying my best to keep this story organized and to the point, but it's kinda hard. Basically, the more I lived this double life, the more depressed I became. At one point a lot of other things began piling on me, and I couldn't take it anymore. As I was in the bathroom one day, my reflection caught my eye. I hated the person I was looking at. They were ugly. I didn't want to look like them anymore. The thing I hated the most? My hair. There was just too much of it. It needed to be destroyed.

Our neighbor up the hill was a hairdresser, and sometimes gave haircuts out of her house for cheap. Taking off on my own, I used what money I had (namely, my Christmas money) and headed up the hill. For ten dollars, she shaved off everything into the haircut of my dreams. After all, I had always wanted a mohawk, but was too afraid to act on it. At this point I was too depressed to care.

Needless to say, my mom found out and pitched a fit. She called me on my cell phone and screamed at me so loudly that her voice almost went out. She bombarded me with bible quotes and homophobic slurs. It was pretty terrible. At the end, just to calm her down I said, "Sorry." She retaliated with "You're not sorry!" which was true, I wasn't. I shouldn't have to be. Still, she finished up with the sentence, "When you want to be my daughter again, you call me!" and then hung up the phone. We didn't talk for maybe rwo weeks after that.

As of right now, she still doesn't know. I still have my mohawk, and I dress as masculine as I want. The only thing I don't do it front of her is bind. We're still playing this stupid game, and it's driving me nuts. She talks to me now, but still doesn't approve. She actually keeps asking if I'm a lesbian. I keep telling her no. After all, I am not a female nor have an attraction to females. I don't think she believes me.

Anyway, after all that crap, it's becoming increasingly conflicting to live the way I have been. This half male-half female life has to go. I have to come out to her and transition properly. I don't know how to though. I'm very scared. It almost seem easier to die than it does to live the way I need to. Don't get me wrong, I would never harm myself. Still, I am becoming quite depressed. I just don't know what to do. I guess telling my story here is helpful, but I'm not sure where to go from there.

None the less, thanks for reading. I'm sure this site will help me greatly.

[Guest flammingcorn]

WHOA. Okay, yes. I don't know how to update this. I have some good news though.

Sometime after posting this, my mom showed up here out of the blue. I am not even joking. It kind of freaked me out, and I tried to play it cool.

Something kind of amazing happened though. She was sitting here on the couch next to me and was talking to all of us as normal. That's when she looked over at me, and she said. "You know I love you, right?"

I told her yes. She kept going on about how sometimes she doesn't understand me, but that she would love me no matter what, and that my life was my journey, and that I had to be the one to take it.

For a brief moment, I thought she had figured it out. She never really came out and said it, though, so I kept playing it cool. After about five minutes of this, however, I knew it was time. I had to tell her. This was it.

Quietly I walked over to the nearest bedroom door and said, "Mom? Can you come here for a second? I need to talk to you."

She came into the room, and we shut the door. That's when I broke down crying and told her everything. I told her about how long I had held it in, and how horrible I had been feeling about it all. I told her about how scared I was and how sorry I was if I had hurt her.

There was a bunch of crying and hugging, and while she admitted she didn't reall uphold the idea religiously, she would love me no matter what I wanted to be.

A great weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I can't even describe the feeling, though I'm sure many of you understand.

Just thought I needed to share that. C:

[Carolyn Marie]

That's amazing, and wonderful, hon. I am really happy for you. You have a very terrific mother.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[tracy_j]

For me - tears of joy - a very nice start to Sunday - a mother indeed

Tracy x

[Guest flammingcorn]

AHH, yes! This feels so great! I can't believe it turned out the way it did. I have to say, me and my mom are now closer than we have been in a REALLY long time! I feel like my prayers have been answered. <3

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi FlammingCorn,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.
We all look forward to seeing you.
vanna

[Guest Fall]

Welcome! I am also a new member and I just posted my own intro, but I wanted to say hi! I am from Georgia, and I know how challenging it can be to deal with that sort of religious mindset. I'm very happy to hear that your mother has let go of her prejudices and decided to embrace you. I lived a double life for sometime myself, and I'm glad to hear that you don't have to anymore. I'm also really glad that your grandmother was so accepting. My grandmother was a huge source of strength to me as well, and I have even gone so far as to base my middle name after her's. Good people are essential to the positive growth of people that have to deal with issues as big as ours, and I hope you continue to gather them. I wish you the best as you continue down the path you seem to be so happy on.

Autumn