Coming out to my daughter

[Guest frida314]

Most of the coming out letters I have read here were before they were sent. Necessity and a event sequence had me write this quickly. As many of you are aware, my circle is devoid of communication, unless it is about the material world.

Hi xxxx,

We haven't been able to sit down and chat for awhile. Usually it's a quick "How are you doing", "Fine, OK". For several years now, I have not been fine, there are things going on with how I am and it is more pronounced now, I am 71 and some things are still unexpected. I can start with an assumption that maybe I have not been quite the male influence on either your mom or the family. That is a soft intro that I need to let you know I am transgender, as in the "t" in lgbt. I know this. At this age I am coming to an understanding. I am happier and with a acceptance and satisfaction within myself. I am concerned with Xxxxx. My therapist and I know this can be a very conflicting time in his adolescence.

This has been hard on your mom too. She has absolutist ideas about lgbt. And I guess this comes from her history, although I would not know as she does not not talk about her beliefs. She seems accomplishments driven, while her value system has to be implied or deduced, again, it is the non talking about life.

I will soon move back into my condo, how soon is determined by how slow or fast Xxxx renovates the mess my tenant left behind.

I do not know if this is the letter I wanted to write, to phrase it well, to convey myself, yet this how I have been able to write it. Incomplete as surely as it must seem.

Know that I care about you,

[Carolyn Marie]

It's a nice letter, Frida. Have you already sent it, or are you looking for input? I have a couple of ideas if you need them. Either way, I wish you much luck and success with your daughter.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest frida314]

Carolyn, yes, I have sent it. And, doubly yes, I'd like input. It's kind of like still penciling in ideas for a pre-plan to the plan while Life is saying Frida, catch up, you've been out further than you expected anyway. Scary, loving it. Yah, real scary, and good.

[Carolyn Marie]

OK, then. One thing I find works well is when you tell a story. Tell your daughter what is was like for you, when you first felt this way, what you did to hide it, or not hide it. A timeline seems to work well. Also, I suggest talking a little about what you want to accomplish. Do you plan on a social transition, or just the physical changes, or neither? Finally, some reassurance to your daughter that, while you may change outwardly, you will always be her parent, and what is inside you, including your love for her, is unchanged, and that to be successful, you need her understanding and support, and continued love.

Sorry if that seems like a lot, but think of it as a menu that you can choose from. I hope it helps.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[VickySGV]

Carolyn has hit on some good items, and the suggestion of it being in story or timeline form has worked very well for me . A story makes it more personal and less of a take it or leave it news report. A story invites the other person to see where they were during the time and even add what was real in their life at the time and helps them to see the development of what you now find you need to do.

[Guest frida314]

Your comments help a lot, I would have missed points you raised. When stressed, I tend to lose focus. I do have a plan, I just did not realize it myself. This evening, I found that posting here is great. For and hour or two, I have just written and erased my thoughts. Not that I do not want to share, it is more figuring out what is in my mind that I want to say. And that will come.

((Hugs))

Frida

Standing on the right side of love

[Guest frida314]

My daughter is my wife's from her first marriage, and she was 18-19 when we married. All 3 of her kids have had a difficult relationship with their mom. So, in reality, after 27 years, still there is a past of non communication in the family. I care about her two girls a lot. I have not. Identified with her son. All three have their own families, each in different social setting, in different economic and class status standings, religious. I know a lot about the what the kids are, but very little about the who the kids are.

My daughter, call her Eve, broke up with her spouse after ten years. My grandson had been afraid to sleep alone for a couple of years. The separation of mom dad must have torn him up. He is better now. It has hurt so much to see Eve suffer, ( and she has inherited some of difficult to live with genes.

In the last year, my wife has reached out to her kids again. I don't know how well it goes, but then again I am not the person she wed. Yet, there are a lot of inter-relating ties that provide much needed support, even if it is dysfunctional. It is messy. If, when I leave,I want some degree of grace, some honesty, some disclosure. Making plans is hard when you don't know much.

[Guest frida314]

I have not heard any reply yet from my daughter yet. (Actually my wife's daughter, so that changes the dynamics). I am totally scared to visit her and her brother this Memorial Day weekend. The family has has so many rigid shibboleths that set their do's and don'ts. My SO now says that my moving out would not work out, as she needs support. That is true at our age, no doubts.

Note to ..... Yes, it hurts that I don't practice what I need to transition, in the way I dress, poise, voice I work with the resources I have balanced with what needs to be done. (By the way, loved those earrings)

[Guest frida314]

There has been no response from my SO's children so far. I don't expect any either. I think by avoiding recognition, they can continue an isolation that has been in place for years. I think it goes back to before I met my SO, in her first marriage. Over the years, I have been with my SO in crises where she is to blame, at fault for something upsetting the kids. My wife and I have a common background in that we must have grown in families that instilled silence. Whatever was in the past must have been traumatic.

I have heard about three stages in a relationship, recognition, acceptance, leading, maybe, to relationship. Right now, I look just for acknowledgement that I said I am TG. Yet, this issue, non-recognition,(not only TG, but much else) is steeped in both our families history and dynamics. My wife and I had been companionable, elstwise we would have had lonely lives, but we had to keep quiet about our core differences. Now, unless I am being totally deceived, we really do need each other to live through these retired years so we need to compromise. I will have my own time and space a few days a week soon.

My heart and mind is so changed and more womanly, fem, ( it is so nebulous to explain something like that, but wow). I know now when you say the old person is/has drifted away,a memory, I have a large inheritance from him, sad to see him go,yet I can not travel with him any more. As I can accept leaving those who don't wish my company.

For what it's worth, after today's visit, we stopped to eat. We just had a squabble, I was tired, irritable, some self pity, not attentive at all. I needed to use the restroom and darn near used the women's room. Oh, Frida, more is going on than I know.

[Cyndee]

Frida, I just want to wish you the very best with your family and this process, none of this is easy to deal with.

One thing in hindsight I will share here, after several years of being "out", in the family circle you will find out who really loves or cares for you, for who you are, not for what you should be (role filler). With friends that knew you before, only the true friends remain, those with an alternative agenda will disappear. You will make new friends after coming out, those friendships allow others to see your inner self shine, there lies a certain path to growth.

Coming out brings truth, lot's of it, in both directions.

Best

Cyndi -