The slightest thing sets off a new ride on the roller coaster

[Guest LesleyAnne]

This morning I shaved off my mustache that I've had for years (It was another denial mask I've used for my own denial).

I recently (about three weeks now) came out to my wife about my deep dark secret of my dysphoria. I've felt like I am in the wrong body of a man I don't really know, and man I've never wanted to be......

A friend here at Laura's (So-Kool) has documented a progression of transition, and the roller coaster ride she's been riding for the past year. She warns of us of how spouses tend to react to even the most subtle of changes, and the roller coaster ride that restarts after each progression inching your way towards transitioning.

My spouse is no different.....

When I came out of the bathroom this morning (from a bout of extended grooming) I had shaved off my mustache that I have had for many years.

At first she didn't react, did she see, and didn't know how to react, or as sometimes happens with those that are very close to you don't notice the actual change just know that something is different.

Well she noticed alright.........She blurted out " I want you to label all of your tools, and what they are worth" (I have a lot tools for woodworking, and metal working that I've used to escape my dysphoria). I told her "okaaay and long pause". Then before I could say anything she started to cry.

Well I didn't need to ask what was wrong, I knew! The roller coaster is still there waiting for you to climb on again and go for that up and down on the edge of your seat ride.

The tools? Does that mean, am I kicked out?, does it mean she thinks I will commit the unthinkable? I don't know, and yes I asked, and only received a stare full of tears, and silence.

The reality is (I think), is that she continues to be in denial, and after each step no matter how subtle she has to come back to the reality of it not going away.

Like it our not the roller coster ride continues.

[Guest Jennifer T]

She may be in denial, Lesley. But more likely she's in a lot if pain fearing where this will all go. That's where my wife lives. Anything I of that even hints at my issues can set off a deluge if tears.

Yes, it's a roller coaster ride. Buckle up.

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

Are you getting rid of your tools for metal and woodworking because you are transitioning and will no longer be doing that kind of work? If so why are you quitting that kind of work and selling the tools to become a woman?

[Guest KimberlyF]

Many spouses, when confronted with something like this go in to a sort of panic/defense mode. They had dreams of a future that looked a certain way, and one way or another, they have changed drastically in an instant.

It took a bit to get my wife to trust that I wasn't just sticking around until I could start a new life without her.

[Guest LesleyAnne]

Jennifer wrote "She may be in denial, Lesley. But more likely she's in a lot if pain fearing where this will all go. That's where my wife lives. Anything I of that even hints at my issues can set off a deluge if tears."

Yes she is in a lot of pain and mourning. She has said she feels she lost her husband of 43 yrs. to gain a girlfriend she doesn't really want to deal with.......

Brenda wrote "Are you getting rid of your tools for metal and woodworking because you are transitioning and will no longer be doing that kind of work? If so why are you quitting that kind of work and selling the tools to become a woman?"

No Brenda, I don't want to get rid of my tools , and I haven't mentioned to her that I wanted to .....My grandmother (who is long since gone) weighed all of 97 lbs. was a Finish Carpenter, and Cabinet maker (pre power tools) done all with hand tools. She also made all of the families furniture. She is where I learned a lot of my skills. She was amazing!

This statement came out of the blue.....thus my confusion....

[Guest Jennifer T]

43 years! Wow! Not many people can boast such a claim! I've had 29 married years with my wife; 31 together total. And I know I cannot willingly walk away from someone who has shared my life with me for so long. How much more so you!

My wife told me much the same; that she felt like she was losing her husband and that she has no desire to know Jennifer.

[Guest LesleyAnne]

Jennifer " 43 years! Wow! Not many people can boast such a claim! I've had 29 married years with my wife; 31 together total. And I know I cannot willingly walk away from someone who has shared my life with me for so long. How much more so you!"

Yes 43 years! I told her when I came out that my desire to stay with her, and my love for her has not changed. The only thing that has changed is that my hiding who I really am (at least to her is over...She made me promise to keep this from our two sons, and four grandchildren at least for now till she can deal with it, and to see if we still have a future). For now I promised but I told her that doesn't stop me from moving forward. I have my first session with a GT this friday. She is aware of the appointment, and since it will be a remote Skype session at the house she does not want to be here for it.

I think that shows another example of her denial. She is afraid of what the Therapist will say, and she feels it won't be what she wants to hear.

When I came out I really went into detail of when it all started, and how is has been for me all these 60 plus years. The self denial, the acceptance, and back and forth. I was typical in my denial in that I exhibited a lot of macho male behavior thru which she has been witness. It shocked her!!

I rode bulls when we were first married....she knows about my war record that I served as an aerial gunner in Nam, was awarded four DFC's, and seven Air medals in combat. So you see for me to call myself a girl/woman was very hard for her to grasp. Her very first response was that I was lying and wanted a divorce so I made all of this up to get away from her..I've tried to put that to rest, but I think it's still in her head.

I will say this is more difficult than any mission I ever flew in the war. It's right up there when I lost my best friend four months into our tour.

It's why I'm here ladies, for your love and support. And I have to say...so far you've been there for me....So thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Love,

LesleyAnne

[Guest Jennifer T]

Hi again Lesley. "T", my male persona, was created to exist in and thrive within a male dominated, macho, testosterone drenched world... I understand exactly where you are coming from. My wife and I were young together. She knew me before I had fully clothed myself with "T". And one of her admitted attractions to me was my softer side when we met. She loved that I was sensitive and caring and nurturing, etc... I came out to her in 2009. And she went with me on my initial visit to the gender clinic. She told me and them that she was not really surprised, that she could see that I've been trying to tell her this all our life together. But she grew to love and need the 'man' that "T" became.

So, even when they know, it is still difficult for our spouses. I hope you find a way to bring harmony in this. I truly do.

Peace.

[Guest ashleynikole]

I know I'm not the only one, but I'll definitely be the torch carrying girl here for "those that don't make it". I suppose it could be that many of you have so many years together that it's pointless to leave and start over and so your SO is sort of relegated to "working it out". However, if you're lucky enough to have a spouse who still loves you even though you've changed, count your blessed stars. I'm just speculating, so I don't know for sure. My 13 yrs obviously weren't enough to hold together the bolts of this roller coaster...of course the alternative was to continue to be a fake lie of a person (which my spouse agrees she wouldn't want). Sometime the roller coaster just isn't strong enough to stay together and it comes flying off the tracks leaving you hitting the ground like a ton of bricks. And if you don't die in the process, you walk away really injured.

Such is life.

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

Jennifer wrote "She may be in denial, Lesley. But more likely she's in a lot if pain fearing where this will all go. That's where my wife lives. Anything I of that even hints at my issues can set off a deluge if tears."

Yes she is in a lot of pain and mourning. She has said she feels she lost her husband of 43 yrs. to gain a girlfriend she doesn't really want to deal with.......

Brenda wrote "Are you getting rid of your tools for metal and woodworking because you are transitioning and will no longer be doing that kind of work? If so why are you quitting that kind of work and selling the tools to become a woman?"

No Brenda, I don't want to get rid of my tools , and I haven't mentioned to her that I wanted to .....My grandmother (who is long since gone) weighed all of 97 lbs. was a Finish Carpenter, and Cabinet maker (pre power tools) done all with hand tools. She also made all of the families furniture. She is where I learned a lot of my skills. She was amazing!

This statement came out of the blue.....thus my confusion....

It did seem odd she would say that,thats why I asked.

"maybe" she felt if she could try and force you to sell the tools you would reconsider all this transition business,,,,,I have never been married so I have no idea just guessing.

You could ask her why she wants to sell the tools as you are labeling them and get to the bottom of it in as nice a way as possible?

Sounds to me like a really neat collection of tools either way.

As a Carpenter/Mechanic the pre power tool era tools are fascinating in their deliberate form and function.

There is always a weird reaction from people when someone who has has any facial hair for a long time and then suddenly dont,it probably shocking to more than just your wife.

Good luck in communicating with your wife.

Brenda

[Guest LesleyAnne]

Brenda,

I think you are on to something. It kind of appears that she wants me to choose without coming right out and saying it.

I need to make up my mind if I want to be the woman I've always been or do I want to play with grown men's tools!!

By the time that I replied here, I reminded her that my grandmom was an accomplished carpenter/cabinet maker, and out shined any man that ever tried to challenge her. Like I said she was amazing. She built our couches, chairs, upholstered rocking chairs, hutches, kitchen cabinets.....you name it. And when I was a little boy she baby sat me while I watched her work in her workshop. Her tools consisted of hand sharpened planes, hand drills. carving tools for the armrests of her rockers. Manual hand saws as sharp as a razor. She sewed...so she upholstered all of the furniture herself.

Funny.....my grandad didn't know one end of a screwdriver from the other. He was a self taught attorney that had a thriving practice, and took chickens for payment (not kidding).

The men in my life were honest, and good men, but I most admired the women, they impressed me the most. Maybe that has something to do with my dysphoria, but before I ever knew what to admire in a person, I felt like a female that was waiting for my body to dump the male parts. Sadly that never happened.

Sorry I digressed, just thinking of my grandmom brings back many pleasant memories.

I have many tools, that I've accumulated over the years Brenda......Cabinet Saw, Band saw, routers, router table, Planer, Jointer, drill presses, mig welders, plasma cutters, arc welder, tig welder etc, and etc. and yes I have some old antique planes, and new Veritas planes, and some antique hand drills.

Those tools took me to another time, and sometimes I imagined I was my grandmom working in my shop.

Brenda you just took me to another time and place......... thanks........it also made me tear up a little. I just had some flashbacks of when I felt like that little girl watching her grandmother work.

Life would be so much simpler if I were born in the right body.

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

Brenda,

I think you are on to something. It kind of appears that she wants me to choose without coming right out and saying it.

I need to make up my mind if I want to be the woman I've always been or do I want to play with grown men's tools!!

By the time that I replied here, I reminded her that my grandmom was an accomplished carpenter/cabinet maker, and out shined any man that ever tried to challenge her. Like I said she was amazing. She built our couches, chairs, upholstered rocking chairs, hutches, kitchen cabinets.....you name it. And when I was a little boy she baby sat me while I watched her work in her workshop. Her tools consisted of hand sharpened planes, hand drills. carving tools for the armrests of her rockers. Manual hand saws as sharp as a razor. She sewed...so she upholstered all of the furniture herself.

Funny.....my grandad didn't know one end of a screwdriver from the other. He was a self taught attorney that had a thriving practice, and took chickens for payment (not kidding).

The men in my life were honest, and good men, but I most admired the women, they impressed me the most. Maybe that has something to do with my dysphoria, but before I ever knew what to admire in a person, I felt like a female that was waiting for my body to dump the male parts. Sadly that never happened.

Sorry I digressed, just thinking of my grandmom brings back many pleasant memories.

I have many tools, that I've accumulated over the years Brenda......Cabinet Saw, Band saw, routers, router table, Planer, Jointer, drill presses, mig welders, plasma cutters, arc welder, tig welder etc, and etc. and yes I have some old antique planes, and new Veritas planes, and some antique hand drills.

Those tools took me to another time, and sometimes I imagined I was my grandmom working in my shop.

Brenda you just took me to another time and place......... thanks........it also made me tear up a little. I just had some flashbacks of when I felt like that little girl watching her grandmother work.

Life would be so much simpler if I were born in the right body.

Lesley I dont know why you would have to sell the tools to be a woman if you really didnt want to sell them. Seems perfectly reasonable to have tools and be like your Grandmother as you say if thats truly what you want to do. If they bring you enjoyment and you can work in the garage in a way that makes you happy then there really isnt a need to choose one over the other.

I have a shop full of the same tools you mention with the exception of the vintage hand tools and dont see a need to sell them off just to be me. I am still currently using them anyway as a way to make money and survive so getting rid of them would be irrational and bad for my personal economy... I do often think though if I really want to do this for a living the rest of my days though.

Rather a struggle over Necessity vs Hobby

I would much rather do it as a hobby because I love it than do it as a job because I have to.

You are not in the same situation as me but if you would be forced to sell your tools then you would by default have more resources to obtain womens clothes and such,which may be an unintended consequence your wife had not considered yet either.

I really have no good advice as I am quite inept when it comes to relationships and you know better than anyone your wife and situation. The best I can say is talk it out no matter what it takes and communicate when times like this happen so nobody feels left out or abandon.

Brenda.

[Charlize]

Lesley as a girl with a shop full of tools, a farm full of other tools and a mind that is nothing short of being buildaholic i also share a wife of 43 years. 45 if you figure in the first "fun" years. My wife finally came to grips with my transition. I was dressing full time when i was away from the house for months but she never knew. When i came out to her on my birthday 2 years ago(i had tried to hide) it was quite a rough time. Both of us were scared and cried together many times. She lost some illusion of the construct she had made of who i was and i gained myself, presenting differently but being the same person. She still loves me and i love her. The years have allowed her to know that i'm not running off, and that in fact inside i've never changed.

I hope your relationship weathers the storm. It will be a storm i'm sure, but with luch you both will ride through together.

My GT helped us. You might want to consider that.

Hugs and a shoulder,

Charlize

[Guest LesleyAnne]

Charlize,

You sound just like me, and my situation.

My wife and I met on June 8th 1971 when I came back from my tour in Nam. We married five months later in November that year.

We've had our ups, and downs but never anything quite like this.

Admitting to her as well as to myself of whom I really am was traumatic to say the least.

But I have to say... finally admitting this to myself, and then a short time later to her, has been what I call the first time in my life I've felt like I was alive! I mean really alive!

My wife was listening in on my first session with my GT since it was thru 'Google Hangout'. My therapist even offered to have my wife join us to which my wife declined (she just wanted to listen in on our first session. I'm hoping she will join in next time. We'll see.......

Thank you,

Charlize for your comments, and your shoulder.