A lot of pain today

[Guest Luna_Luv2942]

Not sure if I should put this here but I just need to get this off my chest now.

I broke up my girlfriend of 6 months a few weeks ago; apparently she didn't like me being born male and still having a male body. I never hid the fact that I have a male body but she assumed I was completely transistioned or something so when she found out I still have all those parts (and no breasts) she got grossed out by it. I really loved her and I was glad to have a girlfriend who recognized me as a girl, but alas her being a lesbian didn't include a male bodied transgender woman.

I really hate the thought that I have to be with a woman who identifies as bi because lesbians and straight women would have nothing to do with me. Not to say I wouldn't date a bi or omnisexual, I'd just rather not have to feel that I could never be loved by a woman as a woman cause I still have this male body, or even when I get rid of it! I can't even talk to this with anyone really since my best friend has just cut ties with me; my best best friend who was best confidant and most understanding and who I considered my sister, who would be there for me when I do my masters in the UK. Now I lost her, have no girlfriend, and still this smelly male body I hate.

I know, I should take this up with a GT but the one I have been seeing I am really discontented with and there are way too few near me. I'm really lost right now: in my education path, my life, my transition, I'm just lost. I keep hoping this is a dream I wake up from but I'm still here!

I just really want to hear something nice someone who aren't my friends since I just can't bring myself to trust them now.

Maia

[Charlize]

Dear Maia, i cannot make your life easier now. Loosing a girlfriend and looking at the future stretching ahead things must look rough. It will get better. You'll find someone. I remember being right where you are now. A lifetime has passed and i found that things are always changing. Ups and downs throughout. You are way ahead of me in one big way. When i was your age i knew i had trouble with my gender but in the 60's nobody was out and information was extremely limited. I met one girl who had "changed roles" with a boyfriend and i almost told her about my feelings until she made it clear it wasn't her thing. I mentioned that i had met someone to chafe roles with to girlfriend of a friend and years (25) years later i saw her driving by. She recognized me, stopped and the first thing she asked was did i ever "change roles". I met my wife and fell in love right after meeting the first girl i mentioned.

My wife wanted nothing to do with me dressing and i thought my love would"cure" me. It took 42 years to come out with any understanding of who i am.

You know that already. The rest of the puzzle will fall into place. Sorry that it is rough now. Try to relax and love today and let tomorrow take care of itself.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Luna_Luv2942]

Thank you Charlize, I'm starting to feel better now. I really thought she understood and acknowledged me for who I really am. I really feel like cooling on any further relationships in the near future (be they romantic or just friendship). I just feel so lost on the path I was making for myself; how can I go on when my biggest and best supporter washes her hands of me? I'm still so confused about how I want to end up, but I don't want to give up. I want to be who I want to be, who I really need to be; I don't want to give up on that. I need to try harder now with such an uphill struggle ahead of me.

Maia

[Charlize]

Perhaps at this time it might be a good idea to visit with a gender therapist. While they are not there simply to provide support mine was certainly helpful in so many ways. In the end we travel our paths because they are ours with or without support. Having someone to talk to honestly and openly certainly helps but life happens without that as well.

There is also certainly no reason not to pause. This is a path just as life is and we can rest a bit at any time. The most important thing perhaps is to try to see the beauty in every step. That, i think, is often more attitude than circumstance.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Luna_Luv2942]

I would but the one I was seeing it is very difficult to schedule a time to see her and I have become dissatisfied with the entire experience. Also trying to save what money I have for for graduate school so I would have to sacrifice that :\ But maybe later on or when I find one that is much closer to me (and cheaper). I'm also not sure about starting some things, like hormones, because I still don't know a lot about them. I'd ask but feel kinda embarrassed about it, seeing as it should be one of the things I should know the most.

[Ravin]

Depending on the doctors in your area, you may or may not need a therapist's okay to go forward with hormones. Do you have a general practitioner/primary care doctor you could ask about it? If your primary care doctor isn't comfortable with it, discussing it with your GT could be helpful.

I know how frustrating it is to not have money for care. I wound up almost maxing out my credit card last spring because I just couldn't wait any more--I had to do what I had to do.

Fortunately for me, law school is very generous with approving graduate PLUS loans for medical needs. And medicaid in my state covers hormones and connected appointments.

If you're in school now, your university's health clinic might be SAFE zone. That means they're trained to handle GLBT issues appropriately and you might be able to get HRT started there. More and more universities are also adding trans care to the student health plans, so starting school might also help enable you to get transition care.

[Guest Luna_Luv2942]

Well I'm not in uni yet so can't use that yet and family practitioner I haven't seen in years. I'm going to try to get into touch with a local TG support group to get more info on resources; just hard to get the logistics of it all.

How do you usually pay for hormones if you don't have (or don't want to use) health insurance? I mean can I pay out of pocket for them or not? I know this varies tremendously but can it happen is probably what I should say. And what kinds of hormones are there that I should be aware of?

[Charlize]

I would take some time and read a bit in the hormone, therapy forum.... http://forum.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showforum=56 that forum goes into much of what you might need to know about hormone use, effects, dangers, cost and other issues. We can try to help with everything except for dosages etc. If you read a bit you'll quickly find why a doctors help is critical.

Hope that helps. Hormones themselves are not that expensive depending on your pharmacy.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Luna_Luv2942]

Hmm interesting. How would I go about getting the go ahead from a GT for HRT if it is needed? I have only seen the one GT I was with twice (and even then she questioned why I needed therapy, since I was so sure about my transition goals and what not which kinda threw me for a loop) so is there a set amount of time I would need to have seen a GT before I can get that okay?

[Guest ashleynikole]

Hey Luna,

A good therapist will not look at you and ask you why you need therapy if you already made a decision. A good therapist will know that you will need a sounding board and cheerleader to help you along in all the good decisions you make in your life. I'm 2.5 months into HRT and I still see my therapist and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon. Your GT will also help guide you and make sure you understand ALL the consequences to your decisions, both good and bad.

You're in the US, so check out Psychology Today as they allow you to find therapists in your area that specialize in what you're specifically looking for. Might I even suggest tossing out a few questions for your therapist at your first appointment to sort of "interview" them to see if they will be the right fit for you.

God bless

Ashley

[Guest Luna_Luv2942]

That makes sense, never knew I could use them to find GTs have to do that now. Thank you Ashley

What questions would you suggest though?

[Guest ashleynikole]

Well without asking them to get specific and into personal details, I asked asked mine quite a few. Here is my list I made before I called each one (I contacted 3 different ones).

• Are you accepting new patients?

• Tell me about your experience working with people who suffer from GD

• Are you certified in any way to work with sexual and gender issues with patients?

• What treatments have you prescribed for your patients that suffer from GD?

• Can you give me a general idea of the success rates of the different treatments you’ve prescribed?

• If transition is a considered treatment, what (if any) Dr.s do you work with in that process (endo, srs specialists, etc)?

• Tell me about your experience in helping parents communicate to their children what they are going through (if the parent’s treatment will affect the child in some way).

• Tell me about your experience working with married couples where there is GD.

Now those last 2 may not be of concern to you but being married and having 5 kids, it was important to me. I tried to craft the questions so they wouldn't know what answer I was expecting to hear and thus couldn't craft an answer I wanted to hear just to land me as a client. I'm sure they would've all been completely open and honest, but it's a skill I learned from interviewing people for my company.

Hope that helps.

Ashley

[Guest Luna_Luv2942]

Oh thank you! I'm saving them now

Hugs

Maia

[Guest Luna_Luv2942]

Addendum; would it be better to email a potential GT or call them? And can a GT also help with issues that are not directly related to gender issues?

Maia

[Guest ashleynikole]

Hey Maia,

I'm sure a GT can help in other areas of general psychology, but if you're talking a more specified area, they may not and you may want to put that as another question (ie. Tell me about your experience with X area of concern. How long? How many patients total?).

As for call or email, email may work best as a good therapist is busy all day and rarely has time for the phone, but also makes time for responding to emails and returning calls. Email may work better, but you could always email and then ask them to return a call if the phone is more convenient (and leave your phone number in the email).

Hope that helps.

Ashley

[Guest Luna_Luv2942]

Thanks I actually got the email of a therapist in my area that does specialize in Trans* issues. Here's to hoping I can see them!

Maia

[Guest LizMarie]

I would ask one more question - do you follow the WPATH SOC?

When I was searching for a therapist here in Texas one of the first I encountered replied that he was aware of the WPATH SOC, disagreed with it, and only helped people try to come to terms with the body in which they were born. In other words, he admitted he was a reparative therapy practitioner. I moved on and never considered him even one more second after I read that.