Meeting trans people

[Guest NeutraLee]

I went out to a completely unrelated meetup tonight. Among the crowd of people there, there was one person who appeared to be trans, MTF or MT-androgynous. What I saw was women's sandals on large feet, painted toenails, long hair, feminine mannerisms, and F-to-androgynous clothes, but no makeup, a flat chest, an angular bone structure larger than the average female, and visible five o'clock shadow. So, pretty mixed.

This is the first time since all the questioning that I have actually met someone who I read as being somewhere on the trans spectrum.

I would have loved to meet this person and talk, but it was one person in a crowd. They were really quiet in an otherwise boisterous group, sitting a few seats down...

But what would I even say, if I had the courage to say something? I mean, I'm 95% sure they were trans in some way, but what if it was just a woman with very small breasts and a facial hair problem? Is there any way to bring the issue up that doesn't essentially just amount to saying, "excuse me, but what is the shape of your genitals?"

I'm not sure how I'm read these days. Probably as a lesbian. I wear male-to-androgynous clothes, but there's been no medical transition at all.... I don't know how this person would have read, or if I would even have been noticed. And I'm really bad at most things socially.

Any advice? Experience? Thoughts?

[Carolyn Marie]

Generally, it is considered impolite to tell someone that you "clocked" them, or ask them if they are trans. It can be very distressing to a trans person to know that they don't appear as a woman. Of course, if you are wrong and it isn't a transwoman you are addressing, it would also be very embarrassing for both of you. So it's best to just let her be, and not approach her, unless it is just to engage in everyday conversation.

If you wish to talk to a transperson, are there any LGBT organizations or clubs in your area that have get togethers or discussion sessions? If not, there will likely be Day of Remembrance events in November if you are in or near a city or large town. That may give you many opportunities to meet folks.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest]

Hi Lee,

I've always kept my distance.

Just like I wouldn't engage a cis-person out of the blue, I wouldn't do it with a trans-person either. My logic is that the trans person doesn't want to be treated differently, and that I might be outing them in a situation that isn't safe for them. Another thought that I have is that, just because another person is trans, doesn't mean that we have anything in common beyond that.

There is a transwoman that I've met who disagrees with me, does exactly the opposite and says hello to every transperson she sees. She does make a lot of friends, I hope that she does no harm either.

Obviously, there are choices to be made. I might choose differently depending on the situation as well. But, do try to consider the other person's feelings before you act.

Love, Megan

[Guest ChrisHughes]

Generally just getting to know the person on a personally level,will give you clues and hints on how to address them. a good starter is *hello. what is your name? if you do not mind me asking?* do so with a smile and they will give you a name and it is always best to address them with this. stay clear of pronouns until a clearer indication is given to you by them. it is a progression just like transition and over time,you can ease into it while being respectful. you are meeting the human being,not their gender,their physical body. think of it as meeting the soul,which has none of these things. and this way,you get into a deeper realm of that person and it is rather beautiful.

[Guest NeutraLee]

Yeah, I guess that's the way I thought it would be, so I said nothing. But I would do love to meet a real person to chat. Even if we have nothing else in common, I'd love to make contact in a way that is less threatening to me than a full on lgbtq event. I don't know if I'll ever get the courage to go to one of those.

So, this kind of feeds into my fear that this discovery about myself means I'll never fit anywhere socially. If the category of people I belong among don't want to be approached and will not approach me even if they read me, I will never find a place for myself socially.

It's like, first contact, but no possibility of contact ever. Meh.

[Carolyn Marie]

Yeah, I guess that's the way I thought it would be, so I said nothing. But I would do love to meet a real person to chat. Even if we have nothing else in common, I'd love to make contact in a way that is less threatening to me than a full on lgbtq event. I don't know if I'll ever get the courage to go to one of those.

So, this kind of feeds into my fear that this discovery about myself means I'll never fit anywhere socially. If the category of people I belong among don't want to be approached and will not approach me even if they read me, I will never find a place for myself socially.

It's like, first contact, but no possibility of contact ever. Meh.

Hon, I don't see any reason to think you'll never meet a trans person just because you don't like crowds or large groups. If you ever get to the point where you are seeing a gender therapist, you could ask them to set up a one on one meeting with someone, just to talk. If not that, then certainly you may find yourself in a social situation where you meet someone and strike up a conversation. One thing I've learned in my years on this rock, is never say never. Every day brings a new door to walk through, and you never know what, or who, is on the other side. That's what makes life so interesting.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[tracy_j]

It is interesting how I have seen one or two trans people about but from their looks (mannerisms also?) they were not people I would naturally find attractive in the friendly sort of way. I too would like trans friends to meet but I do not get out a lot. There is the point also that, like any other social group, there are people you would instantly bond with and others who you would not. I think that is what I am getting to in my first sentence.

I think if the social situtaion allows it then just say hello. Keep away from the trans angle. If things move along that would come up at some point anyway.

Tracy

[Cyndee]

I agree with others here, and I would never initiate contact with someone that "might be trans", just because I happen to notice, it does not work that way.

Here is one story, about how I made a new friend, this situation was unique and occured over the course of several years.

I had a T girl approach me. She turned out to be a neighbor, that has seen me change over the years. I've seen her many times working in her yard as I walked by, and we had smiled and waved to each other as simply neighbors, never saying much beyond hello, until one day, she flagged me down and introduced herself. We were already familar with each other as neighbors and have now built up the relationship to the point of discussing our lives in the realm of these subjects.

Cyndi -