How do you stop from feeling false?

[Guest]

A problem I run into is seemingly having no way to relieve my dysphoria. The things I can do that would bring me closer in line to being a girl - like shaving my legs, and especially dressing - they tend to hurt more than they help. Like the other day I put on girl pjs for just a few minutes and it felt so good...for two minutes...then I just felt nothing but the weight of it not being real upon me and how fake I felt:a guy wearing girls clothes like that somehow is supposed to make things better. Or shaving my legs and really only seeing just how male they actually look. And don't get me started on tucking.

Anything I do to try escape from being male for even just a few moments always seems to backfire and turn me into an emotional mess of either anger, fried, sadness, or hopelessness. The fact that it's not real kills me, even the thought that even if I went the whole nine yards and transitioned it still wouldn't be "real" hurts sooo bad.

How do you deal with this? How do you let it not bother you or convince yourself that it is real? I.e.

That you really are the gender you want to be and that you're not just trying to play pretend?

I feel like the only way I could ever accept myself as an actual girl would be if the vagina and xy fairies came down and worked their Magic. Otherwise it just feels completely fake, and the not being real (aka still being a guy) and trying to do anything feminine just hurts more than helps regardless of how much I might want it. So what do I do? Because after over a decade of wishing and knowing about the millions of others out there also wishing for many, many decades - I really don't think the fairy is coming.

[Ravin]

A couple of suggestions. First, it's about changing your mindset. For me, there was a bit of an "aha" moment, but also just a gradual realization that the more I just let myself be myself, the more I could see how much putting on the gender presentation that happened to match my physical anatomy was dressing up and playing pretend, not the other way around. The first time I wore a tie to work, I felt self-conscious and awkward, but I got over it pretty quickly. I NEVER got over feeling self-conscious and awkward in women's clothes, no matter how familiar they were.

Second, medical transition can help. I've heard others describe and experienced myself that when your brain (wired for the gender you feel, not the one assigned to you) gets the right hormone balance, it can help a LOT.

Generally, to get to that step you need to get some counseling first, and of course find a doctor who will prescribe the hormones.

Finally, I do still know what you mean about things feeling fake. I've tried packing, and gave up on it for the most part because it just doesn't feel natural. It seems to be more trouble than it's worth, because most people aren't looking at my junk to see what is or isn't there. And while I bind after a fashion to improve my male presentation to the public, there is NO FRICKIN WAY I'd sit around my house in horribly uncomfortable layers of compression shirts when there's no reason to do so. I'm comfy in boxers and a T-shirt, just as most guys are. I just ignore what I'd rather not be there, rather than try to hide it from the walls.

[Guest Mickey]

Ravin is absolutely correct about the Hormones. And about ignoring some of the physical stuff. I started those things and just being myself, no longer hiding the feminine traits like I used to. And it is working for me. I get mamm'd more and more. Each time that happens it affirms that I am on the right track. Affirmation from others helps with all the dysphoria and depression also.

It also helps that I accept that I am trans. I will likely always be very open about how I grew into the woman I am becoming. I will always try to make things easier for those that come after me. I want those that meet me, learn that trans people are people, just like them. So far those that I have had the chance to talk with, have left with a smile on their face.

[Guest GinaInside]

I know "The Prayer" real well, have been saying it and hoping for divine intervention since I can remember. You are not alone in what you are going through, and there are no easy answers.

I am not one of the lucky ones who is blessed to pass, even a million dollar makeover will only go so far. The only thing I have figured out is the voice change, but that doesn't help much when the rest of me doesn't look the part. Your question has baffled me as long as I have been dealing with this; and I wish I could tell you it goes away, it hasn't for me anyway.

I wish you all the best, may you find the answer, and Peace.

[Carolyn Marie]

Kira, from someone who waited nearly a lifetime to experience it, I can tell you this much: you reach a point at which whatever you achieve is enough.

Look, I never forget for a minute who I was, what my life was like, what my dreams were, and what my realities were, and are. None of us can escape those things. So we can't and don't pretend that we are something we are not. What we are not are genetic girls with all the right plumbing and all the girl experiences dating from childhood. If having those is the only way you think you will not feel you are pretending, then you will never be happy.

What I can also tell you is that, for me, having what I have, achieving what I've achieved, and living the life I'm living is enough to satisfy me, and enough to make me happy. In all likelihood, you will feel the same if you transition, whenever that happens, if it happens. I won't guarantee it, but it is likely.

I don't feel like I'm play acting. I don't feel like I'm pretending. People respond to me, and I to them, as though I am and always have been a genetic woman. That may not be "the real thing," but for me, its close enough to put a smile on my face.

If you haven't done so already, please do seek out a gender therapist at your earliest opportunity. I think it will help.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest noeleena]

Hi,

The = any thing to stop being male, and closer to being a girl.

Now i dont know how you are wired, or your mind works, or what goes on ,and i doubt much i say here will help.

any way i,ll try .

Knowing who you are ,accepting who you are and being who you are, maybe very hard for you at this time,

The most importaint thing is to accept you for who you are, now im not talking about male or female here,,this is about you as a person, not what you may see or think you see in that mirror, this comes down to the nitty gritty of you,

to help of cause is to accept you it means your mind set , change of thinking what makes you tick, or whats specale about you that make,s you different , for get about the clothes makeup hair or wigs you know those detail that really dont change you ,

This is about you changeing you inside, your personality your manerisms and i dont mean acting a part or or a put on , can i ask who are you any way what makes you to stand out from others that others will say....... - name-.......and people wont to be around you and others will accept you for you being you ,

The changes you need must come from you and deep inside of your inner most being , trust me, on this, you wont to be real then show your self and be real ,

You are trying to excape from your self, thats the issue theres the problem right there, you see you dont wont to accept your self,

Oh but hang on i have a male body .....yes so embrace it for all its worth, and love it look after it and care for it till you own it, then hard as it may be youll be intune with your self,

i dont think you like what im saying and you can tell me im way off, okay........it,ll come to you just you have to see it to know it, yea i know im total mad,,nuts even ....

I was born both male and female, though that does not matter,

I love my body and all it intails even though i was born with and with out some organs that would have allowed myself to bear my own chilldren never mind hard as that is, i still love my body , yes i,v had corrective surgerys and on hormones still does not change who i have allways been and am. mind hard wired female body is a mix of male and female hormones and i dont mean synthic just my own and when my time of change,s were ready to start they did, over 21 years ago,

All im saying is I never struggled to accept myself and the way i was or what i lacked because i knew myself well enough to know i would live as a normal female .woman should just not a complete female .woman . yet my body has been right for who i am and im happy being the way i am content is the word i,ll use nowdont dispare or become discouaged in your self because you dont see your self as youd like to , give your self time and allow for you to grow ,

I have grown into a woman i did not become one over night im just like other women and how long has it taken many women years i know you wont like this bit ,.......

learn to live life and love life, and enjoy who you are and grow into your self a day at a time, if you need hormones okay good if surgerys allso good they wont change you , i,v had many surgerys they did not change who i am, only change how my body in a few places look.

if you read any of my posts youll soon see apart form my photo ill allways say i dont look female or like a woman . and its not about my feelings , its about who i am as a preson, first....... and then being female.

hope this helps and by the way i know what its like being a mismatched person ,

...noeleena...

[Guest Ky_Ki]

I don't understand the whole love your body and yourself thing. You're not the first person to state it - in fact it's blared from the media far and wide - but I still don't get it. Loving myself just means pretending that i actually like my body and like who I am?

I hate my body though and I mostly hate myself as well. Why on earth would I want to take care of a thing that gives me daily untold amounts of grief and pain? I don't want to love it, I want to hurt it. Telling me to love and accept myself is just telling me to embrace more lies, the very thing this thread is about avoiding.

I mean, I appreciate the sentiment, but it just doesn't make any sense to me. Basically the answer is to stop feeling trans. Oh sure I can "acknowledge" that I'm trans but im supposed to ignore all the terrible feelings that come with it.

And yeah, I do want to be a genetic girl - with all the plumbing and proportions to match. Otherwise it does just feel like pretending - and pretending feels terrible.

[Guest Ky_Ki]

Oh and I am seeing a therapist, albeit not a gender specialist, as I felt treatment for binge eating was probably more important in the short term. On the downside though this therapist practically ignores that I'm trans.

[VickySGV]

Kira -- my body was a pretty nasty sight for over 4 decades for a reason other than GD all by itself -- I had VERY disfiguring eczema from babyhood to nearly your age or more -- I thought that it was the ONLY reason I hated how I looked and felt bodily, and it did help me ignore the GD for many decades. (Look up Eczema on Wikipedia, but not on a full stomach.) Long story on how the eczema got controlled, but my skin on some parts of my body still looks like it was put on me from several corpses and badly stitched on at that.

What I finally realized was that my body was mine whether I liked it or not, and it was keeping my innards from hanging out in all the wrong places, and that if I looked beyond my body to other people, it became less and less significant in how I saw life in general. My posts in the Alcohol Recovery forum give an idea of how I was treating some of that. I fought like hell against the GD and LOST. I am not sure I "love" my body, but now I am in control of it, and its image does not make me who I am. It is how I see and work with others, and after a quick glance in the mirror, I forget about my body, and go on with life.

I am not trying to be a "WOMAN" today, but I also am not the person others tried to force me to be. I am a person and am pretty open to how others address me. I was born as I was, and there are reasons for me to be who I am now. Be you and do not measure yourself against anyone else. You are MORE than your body is and that is the part to accept and nurture.

[Guest LizMarie]

Kira...

One in thirty thousand females at birth is XY. Some XY females have even conceived. One was even found to have given birth to an XY daughter who was also fertile.

The XY gene set does not rigidly dictate anything. That's the first biological truth you need to understand.

And to further demonstrate that genes are not a lock on gender all by themselves, one in one hundred thousand males at birth are XX, have a penis and testes, and can father children.

Gene are a "blueprint" but just as with homes, blueprints sometimes don't get followed exactly.

So the first thing to let go of is the notion that XY means you "can't" be a girl, because that's biologically wrong. The situation is far more complicated than that so give yourself some credit.

Second, if you are a girl, in your brain, and parts of your body don't match up, then be glad that you live in an era when many of these things can be medically corrected.

Is a girl born with no vagina or an incomplete vagina not a girl? Is a girl born without a uterus and never able to conceive, not a girl? Is a girl born without complete ovaries not a girl?

These are all actual birth defects that can occur in natal females as well, and they can be surgically corrected.

It seems to me that you are feeding your own doubts. So the first thing to do is address those doubts. Once you do that, I'll be that things get a bit clearer for you.

[Guest Ky_Ki]

Liz, when I say xx I don't literally mean it, well for the most part. But having an actual female body. I mean, yes I know that there are rare cases of girls born without vaginas or whatever like you mentioned but A) those are exceedingly rare and they otherwise still look and are 100% female. Their bodies naturally produce estrogen, their skeleton still has the proper proportions, and they certainly don't have penises. I see this logic used all the time to support the "trans women are really female" line and I just have great difficulty agreeing with it. Just because some girl somewhere is technically xy or was born without a uterus doesnt really say anything about a man who was born with a full make body, naturally produces testosterone, skeletal structure, etc that just happens to want to be a girl.

And I guess that's the problem. I don't really believe that your physical sex is something you get to choose or are able to really change (only that people should respect how you try to present) and therefore I'm left being trapped as a male regardless of what I do to try to escape it.

[Guest LizMarie]

All I can say is that the AMA disagrees with you. What you're really saying is that genes are destiny and you don't accept the last 20 years of neurobiological research which demonstrates pretty conclusively that transsexuals have brains that match those of the opposite sex far more closely than the brains of the typical member of their assigned sex at birth. You're ignoring that science has decided that sense of self is in our brains and not between our legs.

You're also ignoring that scientists actually recognize at least six distinct sexes among humans (mammals generally, actually) and while some of these are rare and look similar to other sexes, scientists separate them out deliberately because they are different.

You seem to be dismissing the possibility that you are exceptional, a rarity, not at all the norm.

You seem to be dismissing that there is medical treatment for such rarities and that you can access that.

You seem to have convinced yourself that your own body can never "look" female, despite the huge variations and variety in female bodies. You seem to have convinced yourself that if you lack perfect proportions, you can't be female. No, we may never be Miss Universe models but most transwomen look like women because they are women. And if you sit down in a busy place and watch the women go by, young, middle aged, and old, you begin to understand the great variety of women that there are.

You seem to have convinced yourself that this is just a mental "wish" and not your innate self speaking to you.

And finally, you seem to be declaring that the gender binary, once assigned at birth, even if wrong, is immutable.

Like I said, you seem to be feeding your own doubts. I'd recommend you talk to a therapist about this. Have you? Because it sounds like you are going in self-reinforcing circles.

I honestly thought I'd never look very feminine myself. But I've developed a nice (small, but nice) curvy rear end, my hips have filled out a little bit, my breasts are developing, and my tummy is flattening a bit. I felt that way until one of my natal female friends caught a picture of me from the side, a silhouette view. She waited a few days and showed me a copy of the picture with the head editing out and asked my thoughts about that woman's figure. I said I thought she was very attractive in the body. A few other women agreed. Then she showed me the full photo. I was stunned and my friends laughed, saying "See? Told ya!"

I am not perfectly proportioned but neither is my spouse nor was my mom (who was considered a beautiful woman when she was younger, may she RIP). My daughter's body issues drove her to breast augmentation, and she's been a lot happier ever since that and far more self-confident..

I think you've set up this impossible, perfect straw woman model in your own head that you have to meet, and can't, and therefore you say you can't be a woman since you can't be that perfect model. Like I said, self-reinforcing circles of your own doubt.

I'm not trying to be harsh here, but this sounds exactly like a topic that you would want to discuss with a therapist and not just at one session, but in depth over time, with plenty of time to consider other opinions along the way. But if you're never going to consider the worth of other opinions and just rely on your own self-reinforcing circle of doubt, then the question you ask in the very first post, how do your deal with this, is unanswerable.

We've all answered. We deal with it by accepting the biological truths that medical science itself declares to be true. We deal with it by the innate knowledge that we are female despite whatever outward birth defects may cause us to be confused with someone else. And we deal with it by taking steps, even small baby steps, one at a time, one after another, that when added up eventually produce dramatic change.

This is me a few years ago, 195 pounds, 5 foot 10 inches.

This is me six months ago, 5 foot 9 inches, 175 pounds.

This is me a month ago on my birthday, 5 foot 8.5 inches, 168 pounds.

I am not perfect. I don't have perfect female proportions. But my appearance is not so variant from other real women (not photoshopped models) that no one gives me a second glance, or considers me anything other than what I am - a woman.

You asked, and people answered, and you don't like the answers given. I'm not sure that any of us can help you then, so long as you insist that your view is correct, even in defiance of medical science. I'd suggest you think on that.

And I still think this is a perfect therapist topic.

[Guest Ky_Ki]

I want to say this in the most polite way I can, so please don't take it the wrong way, but: looking like you do would not be enough to make me feel even remotely female for real. I want, possibly need to be able to throw on a tshirt and shorts- no makeup or anything else and look in the mirror and be unquestionably, obviously female. That is a priviledge nearly all but the most unusual of women have (and hell most transuys have in reverse) and yet only the most luckiest of trans women can ever hope to even get close to. I understand that that view is not popular around here, but I think it's a pretty objective statement. I see the profile pictures here, I've been to southern comfort. I admire the courage I see but there is very little unmistakeable femaleness going around.

And I'm well aware of the research, I feel like I'm one of the few in the community who actually reads what it says vs what people want it to say. There is no study that says transwomen have girl brains. The studies that do exist (and that were done in very small sample sizes) show that s couple sexually dimorphic areas in transwomen that are attracted to men are unique among both sexes and lean towards but are still different than natal females. Transwomen that were attracted to girls showed relatively typical male brains, perhaps slightly less masculinized. This is far from proof that transwomen are really female inside. And even if it were, it doesn't do anything to address the getting body to match bit. The current medical techniques are frankly terrible. All hrt does is soften you out a bit, and the genital surgery looks only vaguely like the real thing. And there is no way to treat the real dysphoria causing aspects of arms and legs etc physically all being the wrong relative dimensions.

I'm not trying to disagree to cause trouble or be stubborn, I'm trying to find someone who can take my concerns and shred them to bits and somehow convince me that I could actually see myself as a girl instead of this hideous piece of meat in forced to wear every day. But unfortunately, all I ever seen to hear is the same three points over and over-points that logically really don't make much sense and are just used by the community as armor against those that question it.

And like I said earlier, I do have a therapist, but we've only discussed being trans at one session, and she hadn't seem keen to bring it up again.

Please do not take this the wrong way, I'm not trying to be rude, or mean spirited, I'm looking for a convincing argument to convince myself - some way so that if I decide to wear panties I don't either feel perverted or like I'm doing doing something completely futile and more like a man than ever. . Which apparently no one struggles with the latter part. What am I missing?

[Guest LizMarie]

I cannot link it here because my blog contains material not suitable for posting here per the Terms and Conditions of LP. But on my blog I have a list that currently contains 44 separate articles, most of which point to individual abstracts of specific studies.

The information you've been given is outdated and incomplete. More extensive studies have been done.

I'm a 57 year old woman and I look like lots of other 57 year old women.

Your statement "I want, possibly need to be able to throw on a tshirt and shorts- no makeup or anything else and look in the mirror and be unquestionably, obviously female" seriously concerns me and reinforces the statement I made above, that you have erected in your mind a specific and unrealistic image of what a female should look like.

Further,

Please do not take this the wrong way, I'm not trying to be rude, or mean spirited, I'm looking for a convincing argument to convince myself - some way so that if I decide to wear panties I don't either feel perverted or like I'm doing doing something completely futile and more like a man than ever. . Which apparently no one struggles with the latter part. What am I missing?

This statement is what I (and others) already answered. We allow ourselves to be guided by our innate knowledge that we are female.

You keep asking how, what am I missing, and we keep answering and it's going right past you.

Frankly, I look better than most 57 year old women my age and I've been told that repeatedly. So I don't know what to tell you. Other cis-females tell me I look fine. I think I look fine. Men hit on me. I'm not sure what else I "should" do or look like to meet your elusive standards of perfection.

And honestly, I come back to that - you've erected some unattainable standard, decided you can never meet it, and use that to torture yourself.

Please, go talk to a therapist about this. And be honest and willing to listen.

P.S. You won't get there in one day either. It will take years to get to where you want to be because biological processes, medical processes, and surgery all add up to time.

[Guest ashleynikole]

Oh man, I wish you could meet this girl at my local support group. She is so pretty and SOOOO female. I didn't believe anyone when they told me she was a member who hadn't been to the meetings in a while. Perhaps some have to spend tons of money to get there, but that's just the extent of our condition. Some people can have a simple surgery to remove cancer, others have to go through horrible chemo treatments that take forever and make them feel miserable the whole time. Everyone is different.

I've got plans to visit Dr. Jeffrey Spiegal in January because I need medical intervention...lol (seriously his work is amazing). If you want to be technical, you will never be a perfectly formed genetic girl with absolutely no issues. I just hope you find a place where you're happy cuz 70, 80, 90 years is a long time to be miserable.

God bless

Ashley

[Drea]

Kira, I get what you are saying. From the wanting to feel natural, not having to rely on clothing or makeup to be perceived as female, to finding the things you do to help for barely minutes before heightening depression, to not rejoicing at being trans, to wanting to be a woman not a trans woman, to how the community tends to see what it wants to see in studies (or simply articles or opinion pieces that are often treated as if they were research results) rather than what they really say.

I bet it leaves you feeling a bit on the outs, maybe that you aren't really trans cause you don't get all excited over clothes and all that typical sort of thing you often see express. If that is something you feel, all I can say is that you would be far from alone.

Does that help? Can I shred your concerns to bits? Probably not

What I can say is that I do know people who feel like you do who have found peace. It may not be perfect, but I think you recognize perfect isn't possible.

How have such people found that peace? Well, it seems to me it has to occur in the way you wish you were, by being natural. And yes, maybe that does take time with hormones, surgery to deal with the parts of your body that most disturb you.

It is when you "throw on a tshirt and shorts- no makeup or anything else" and be unquestionably and obviously female that it will start to feel real. The hardest thing is seeing that in the mirror, it takes time for self image to change. Others will see it first. Those others may never include family and those who knew you before because they have the same issue letting go of that past image as you, but in general others will see it before you. Sure some people can throw on some clothes and makeup and see great image in the mirror or pictures they take, but you are not focused on those so it takes more time.

That's the best I can offer. Maybe it makes sense, maybe not, but I hope it helps.

[Michelle 2010]

In reading the posts here the primary problem I see is not that you were born in the wrong body, rather it is that there is a complete lack of flexibility and willingness to adapt tot the realities of life as you perceive it. Being stuck in a binary world can include many things other than gender. Right/wrong, black/ white, good/bad, happy/sad etc. I have a 24 year old son, btw. He adapts to situations.

I recognize the issue in you because I had the issue as well in my youth. It is, frankly, unhealthy, and rigid, when the reality is that life isn't like that on gender issues or many other issues as well. Perhaps that would be an interesting discussion with your therapist. The need to box in and rigidly define life with no shades of grey allowed. As you mature, hopefully you will learn to let go of the need to define and categorize into rigid perceptions. Life is rarely like that. Take it from someone who knows.... It often reveals a way to control and to avoid uncertainty. The reasons for such behavior vary but usually stem from some sort of fear or lack of trust in ones self or of the world around them...

Life is rarely perfect and will frequently disappoint if we build on a foundation of unrealistic expectations. Attitude is everything my friend...

Best wishes on your journey.

Michelle

A problem I run into is seemingly having no way to relieve my dysphoria. The things I can do that would bring me closer in line to being a girl - like shaving my legs, and especially dressing - they tend to hurt more than they help. Like the other day I put on girl pjs for just a few minutes and it felt so good...for two minutes...then I just felt nothing but the weight of it not being real upon me and how fake I felt:a guy wearing girls clothes like that somehow is supposed to make things better. Or shaving my legs and really only seeing just how male they actually look. And don't get me started on tucking.

Anything I do to try escape from being male for even just a few moments always seems to backfire and turn me into an emotional mess of either anger, fried, sadness, or hopelessness. The fact that it's not real kills me, even the thought that even if I went the whole nine yards and transitioned it still wouldn't be "real" hurts sooo bad.

How do you deal with this? How do you let it not bother you or convince yourself that it is real? I.e.

That you really are the gender you want to be and that you're not just trying to play pretend?

I feel like the only way I could ever accept myself as an actual girl would be if the vagina and xy fairies came down and worked their Magic. Otherwise it just feels completely fake, and the not being real (aka still being a guy) and trying to do anything feminine just hurts more than helps regardless of how much I might want it. So what do I do? Because after over a decade of wishing and knowing about the millions of others out there also wishing for many, many decades - I really don't think the fairy is coming.

[Guest Ky_Ki]

Drea, Thank you!, at least one person here gets what I'm saying - albeit not with much of an answer, but at least you pretty much nail on the head my frustration. The whole "woman" not a "transwoman" pretty much sums it up.

I'm not looking for my "dream" body, as much as I'd obviously like it. I feel that's my fault for using the word "proportions" I'm just looking for a body that's decidedly female vs male. Women have a different body structure, ALL women - attractive or not has nothing to do with it. They're able to sit in different positions, do some tasks much easier, walk with a different gate (frankly on a related note - talk with a naturally female voice rather than having to train for it) - and those things matter to me. Because I find my brain wanting me to do some of those things, for comfort if nothing else, but am physically restrained from doing so. I literally can't cross my legs, or bring them to my chest, reach my legs for shaving in the same way, etc. I'm not going to say that there isn't some genetic women somewhere with abnormal anatomy - but that's the point, it's wanting relatively normal anatomy.

And I do think the looking in the mirror thing, indeed my beef with most transgender woman's passing ability, is mostly a facial thing - again I apologize for not thinking of the way "proportions" might be interpreted. I supposed there are facial feminization surgeries out there, but I certainly haven't seen any decent results - and it goes with that whole thing of not wanting to have to go through countless procedures just to look normal. Again, I'm sure there are a few women out there who have very masculine faces that we can point to and say "well, see..." but again - it's wanting to be a relatively normal girl, looking like 98% of the population that get's in the way.

At any rate, I feel like my reservations about transition are largely moot, considering I have no plans for transition...for the reasons discussed above and even moreso for the social implications that go along with it. My initial, and still most burning question is how to not feel false when trying to do something that might temporarily alleviate the dysphoria.

The answer that has been given here so far is really a non answer. "We're guided by the innate knowledge that we're female." THAT is the problem, that is why it feels false because I don't have that innate knowledge. All the physical evidence that surrounds me points to the exact opposite in fact. My body disproves that idea and the mind is as fiddly as love and is that last thing to be trusted. I know that I have wanted to be a girl nearly every day of my life for over a decade, but all the same I do not feel that I am one - or perhaps it's that I don't believe that I am. I can't possibly KNOW that I'm a girl because the only even hint of that is my constant desire to be one, but that's a want - not a knowledge. Do you get what I'm saying? My entire existential dilemma IS that KNOWING piece. If I KNEW I was a girl, hell if KNEW I was trans, then I imagine that it would be fairly easy (relatively) to go along with transition, or dressing, or whatever else I might fancy. But for reasons discussed in innumerable articles and blogs, it is logically impossible to prove one's transness and for me then it becomes exceedingly difficult, if not impossible, to know if I'm even trans much less a girl. And that's to say nothing of the constant doubts that run through my mind, alternative reasons, explanations, that might explain the desire. In short I want to be a girl nearly all the time but I'm neither sure that I know that as a fact (and not as the symptom of some crazy unknown psychological problem) and I definitely don't KNOW that I am female. So I guess the question I should ask, is how do you know you're female and/or how do you come to that knowledge? How do you believe it? How do you accomplish ignoring physical reality and essentially deciding on who you are on faith alone? Especially when all objective, observable, physical evidence points to the opposite? How do you get that knowledge? Or is it something you merely have or don't? And if not, then you really aren't trans to begin with - that certainly seems to be one interpretation - especially with all the "I knew when I was five" accounts you hear. Does any of that make sense?

[Guest ashleynikole]

So I guess the question I should ask, is how do you know you're female and/or how do you come to that knowledge? How do you believe it?

Faith and faith alone. I believe that there is a God, a Creator that loves me who came down in the flesh as Jesus and died on the cross, was buried, and rose from the dead for my redemption so that an imperfect creation like me, could live in the presence of a perfect God for all of eternity.

Do I have any proof of that? Very little. Archeologists know that Jesus walked the earth and that He was definitely here doing things at the time and places mentioned in the bible, but they can't seem to prove his resurrection or supremacy. However, I chose to believe that what I read was true, and from that moment on, God began to show me things and work in my life in ways that no science can explain (including my back that was horribly messed up in Summer of 96 and was healed miraculously after I refused to move from a church lobby until God healed me). Once I believed, I begin to see things before me that made it that much more convincing I was on the right path for my life.

Like that, faith that you're trans is based largely on belief in things not seen.

Now if you need science to help you get there, then I suggest you talk to every doctor in the country, read every medical journal and article available that pertains to medical conditions in body and brain that have to do with sex and gender and work backward ruling out everything you don't have and see if that helps you. It won't be cheap, and it won't be easy, and it wont' happen overnight (in fact none of it will...be it transition or no transition, research or no research).

I did not have any tests done that proved I was trans or even that I had a female brain. I just trusted that I did based on all the other evidence around me about what I sensed about my past, myself, and more. However, after 6 months of natal female hormone levels, I can attest to the fact that my brain wasn't getting the chemicals it needed to operate normally. Now it is and it functions completely normal (well I still got that ADD thing going on).

I'm sure it doesn't help, but it's the truth in my world so take it FWIW.

God bless

Ashley

[KathrynJulia]

How do you stop feeling false?

You mean like the first 50+ years of my life. That's easy, I suppressed testosterone and started taking estrogen. Then I started wearing pretty clothes that weren't dark male clothing. The more my closet turn to feminine, I soon was able to get off anti deppresnts. I liked living honest and more feminine. Notice I said more feminine. I didn't say gorgeous or hot or a babe. If that's what it takes to transition from male to female, then your wasting your time. Stay male.

Then I had FFS and GRS. It was hard but it was worth the expense and surgical pain.

I'm everything I ever dreamed of for decades. Others took priority over my needs. My kids for starters, but I never gave up on my needs and Im fully transitioned now. Kathy

[Guest Faith gibson]

Hi Kira,

We've talked before so I think I understand a little of what you're saying. I'm not sure I can help you but am sure willing to try.

I too am a perfectionist. When I sing I want it ti be perfect. When I do anything, being somewhat good is never enough and I quite often feel that taste of disappountment. I have spent many mornings, like you, staring at the ceiling in my bedroom wondering why it had to be like this. This isn't the perfect thing I want it to be. People who are not perfectionists sometimes can't relate to that. I would get up and so need to somehow make my life easier by looking and acting the way I felt inside. Then I would get soooooo depressed that what I saw was not exactly how I felt. I would literally cry for hours. There are many mods on LP chat that could probably attest to that.

I think time has helped. Somewhere along the way, in just the last 5 or 6 months actually, I just knew there was no going back for me. I have always felt that I was a girl, or atleast wanted to be a girl, but this is different. It's an acceptance. It helps that people have been very patient with me and have been guiding me. At first, I just thought, they just don't understand, but they really do.

I am a female. There's very little doubt in my mind. Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder what the heck is going on but those days are becoming more rare. I'll never be that perfect girl that my perfectionist self seems to think is a real girl, but then I started thinking maybe I am perfect. I mean do you know another Faith that is more perfect than me.

I have been going out in public much more in the last couple of months. I had started building some confidence. I think what it did for my dysphoria was amazing. I thought maybe I am legit after all. Of course, last weekend I ran into a little problem with some trans peoples' beliefs that I may be a cross dresser. (to see my thoughts on that, you can check that post). That really hurt. It took away some of the good feeling that was so hard to acquire.

Give yourself some more time. Be realistic. You can't wait for the magic person to come zooming into your life so take hold yourself. I guess it won't be perfect if you don't allow it to be perfect. This is coming from a perfectionist remember so it's hard for me to say. But I think true nonetheless.

I don't concern myself with studies and research too much. It's interesting but won't change what is.

Be good to yourself please. You may not like your body but it is yours. The body doesn't shape how you see yourself nearly as much as the mind.

Sorry, that's the best I can do for now.

Take care,

Faith

[Guest Melissa~]

The self discovery process that works for many doesn't seem to work you Kira. I cannot ever recommend transition, the costs are too high, be glad if you don't need to. That said, you hopefully will discover where the best fit in life is for you...and appropriately make peace with either getting there or not. You have stated that you aren't happy where you are currently either, it may just be that you are unable to fulfill that for now. I would recommend some harder reading materials than are typically presented either support forums or happy transition books. One can find them on the internet if one looks. I read them all(*) over time. Other people might advise against negative materials, I make my own judgements.

[Guest KimberlyF]

I had a lot of the same feelings you had. 'Womens' clothes caused me pain. The proportions were wrong and they just reminded me of what I wasn't. I never dreamed of being a beauty queen. I would have been thrilled to be anywoman.

The vast majority of my work took place between my ears.

I hated being TS. Hating being TS doesn't make it go away or make it get better.

I hated myself for being TS. It was not a choice I made. And what does me being TS say about me as a person?

So I started to list facts on a piece of paper every so often till the list got pretty long. And I would often read it when I started to get down.

It started with a simple declaration. And looked kinda like this:

I am transsexual.

Being transsexual does not make me a good person or a bad person.

I didn't choose to be transsexual.

Ignoring being transsexual has never given me peace.

And on and on. After therapy, I would maybe add a thing or two.

[Guest Faith gibson]

Kimberly,

I really like your post. It really makes sense and should help lots of people.

Faith

[Guest GinaInside]

Kira,

Most of those of us who are Trans, knew from the time we were very young, that we were somehow different. It was brought to my attention very early that I didn't act male enough, though I was never told what that was. I am not blessed to be able to pass, but I am not the most butch guy in the world, either; I look like a stereotypical gay male. I would give anything to wake up in the right body you speak of, what I wouldn't give to just look female.

From the time I was about 6 yrs old, I got "You: sit, walk, run, talk, eat, act, (fill in the blank), like a girl/woman!" And from the time I was very young, my body felt horrible. To this day, my body feels horrible, I still have what I call "breast irritations", and "The Itch". I had to learn to fake it, to be accepted as a male. I am only truly comfortable when I let my "mannerism guard" down.

I have tried everything male I could, to make it go away, Soldier, biker, roughneck, extreme mountaineer, etc. I have been to the brink of death, more than once, trying to make my TS go away, it doesn't. I have almost said F-it a couple times, because of what I am. Early on, I came up with what I call "The Drill"... "OK self, grit your teeth, you can make it. Try not to vomit, or burst into tears. Hang on for one more minute" (Repeat as needed).

I understand very well all of your concerns, I have had those same concerns. Maybe you are not TS, but one thing is certain, hating yourself because you are not ideal is not the answer, and only makes things worse in the long run. If nothing else, please find a way to get past the self-hatred. So you can't be perfect, so what? One thing that keeps me going, and this may seem like small consolation, is the knowledge that so many people on Earth wish they only had my problems.

If you haven't tried meditation, please consider it, it will help you find a measure of inner peace.