Choosing Between a Relationship and a Gender

[Guest oddly-charming]

Hey guys,

So feeling kind of horrible, and this feeling has been persistent for the last month or so, but it flared up again in the last half an hour after talking to my girlfriend. Advice would be greatly appreciated.

I'm seeing a gender therapist now about my gender identity, which I'm pretty confused about. I convinced my girlfriend to also see a therapist about being a significant other of a trans (or possibly trans) person. Basically the rundown is this:

She claims to be a straight-up lesbian and has absolutely no interest in men romantically or sexually, but she's had sex with men and been in relationships with men before. She even had sex (and in her description "good sex,") with a man up until the day we made our relationship official. She says that I hold this over her head, and I really try not to, but some things she says are ridiculous. She has brought up the idea of an open relationship before because she claims to be drawn to certain people, the primary one being a man, romantically.

She says very worrying things like she wants me to be her girlfriend, and that's all that would make her happy. She wants to be in a lesbian relationship with me, and more recently, that if I were a man when we met she would not have dated me at all. So what about me does she love that is not my gender?

She acts like if I transition our relationship will be totally different and irrevocably changed, and that she couldn't love me other than as a friend. Doesn't that sound crappy? Or is it normal? I'm wondering at the strength of her love for me if it's strictly based on my being a woman.

She expresses an inability to be with a man romantically. So doesn't that suggest that the only thing which draws her to me romantically is my gender? Isn't that scary? Should I be less harsh about it?

She says that I invalidate her feelings by asking these questions. That sexuality is choosing people you are attracted to within your preferred gender. That sexuality is being gender bias? I don't want to judge for myself that she's not a lesbian, because obviously I'm not God, but based on her track record with males and her insistence that she could never ever ever be with me as a man, and that she just wants me to be her girlfriend and nothing more! ... should I be worried?

I'm sick of feeling like her token lesbian. I'm sick of feeling like I'm choosing between this relationship and a gender that may make me feel more like myself.

Oh, and she also expresses that her ideal would be me living and passing as a man, but being the way I am now physically and letting down my hair, so to speak, with her at home. Also that she wouldn't mind my being genderless or androgynous, which I may still choose to do.

I don't know, thoughts? Sorry for the rant.

What should I do? What is best here? What are your thoughts and opinions? I'm up for hearing harsh things; I hear it enough from my friend.

[Guest Kayla Grace]

From what I've seen, mostly on here, that losing a relationship seems to be the norm, unfortunately.

I don't think any relationship won't change (even if it's slight) if one person transitions. From my personal relationship, I got lucky, my girl couldn't imagine loving anyone else romantically and we understand that we (or at least me) both have needs sexually that the other just can't fill.

Transitioning has a huge impact on significant others. Perhaps you could suggest to her to come to the Playground and seek help. We can hope that she will see that you truly don't want to lose her, and it might push her to give it a shot.

Sexuality has nothing to do with gender. She may be romantically attracted to woman. if she is, I'm not sure if it can be changed. Sexually, she seems to be experimental, from what you wrote.

You won't hear any harsh things from anyone here. We only help, not hurt.

I hope you and her can work it out. transitioning alone is such a difficult thing to do, losing your SO just makes it worse ... but in the end, you have to do what's best for you. I would personally rather lose my girl and be a legal woman then live as a male for the rest of my life.

Good Luck, Stay safe, and God Bless,

Natalya<3

[VickySGV]

The physical side of sex is a total puzzle and is not the straight forward thing people make it out to be. Gay males can and some do impregnate hetero or lesbian women, and some lesbian women do have vaginal sex for the purpose of getting pregnant. It is not the same experience that a Cis/Het man or woman of legend or fairy tale experience, but it works. The percentage of female Sex Workers who are actually lesbian is significant and many do get some enjoyment for the length of time it takes to complete an almost male type orgasm. I am not implying that your GF is involved in sex work, but the same psychology may be at work there. She disassociates penetrative sex from romance or erotica as a normal part of her personal being, just as your GD is a normal part of your being. The question here is can YOU meet the condition of allowing yourself back into a femme role for the purpose of having intimate, truly intimate relations with her that involve so much more than just sex. She wants someone who can show feminine feelings as she understands them. What is her understanding of this, why does it work now, and what do you need to do that will change it? For now, do not over-think that, and do not borrow trouble that you cannot repay with some nasty interest. One day at a time.

[Carolyn Marie]

I am by no means a relationship expert, but it seems to me that she is setting all kinds of conditions on your relationship, and wants you to change to suit her needs. That doesn't seem to me to be a good basis for a loving relationship. You don't seem to know for sure yet what your path is going to be as far as gender. I think you both need to talk a lot more, talk to the therapists more, and give this more time. There seems to be a lot of work left to do before your relationship settles down and you can make some decisions.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest sydney]

Oddly-charming,

Your relationship will change to some degree. People in public will look at you differently, the feeling will change, but that's not good or bad. It's just a truth that is going to happen with transitioning. My wife (who is pansexual and gender fluid/tom boyish, but feminine) had said some similar things. I knew going into this that our relationship may not survive. At the same time, she knew that transitioning was something that I had to do. She would rather me be myself than me pretending to be something that I'm not just to be in a relationship with her. She expects the same from me and I've often said that to her. We also knew that it might not work out, but we would give it a try because we really love each other and had been together for 18 years (married 16.) She wasn't out to her family as pansexual (bisexual from their point of view) and there was some adjustments going from a heterosexual (even though queer) to a lesbian relationship. Fortunately things have worked out, we're open and honest to each other with open communication (both the good and the bad.) That is essential for it to possibly work out. Talk about your feeling with her and help her understand that this is something that you need to do for yourself.

[Guest Ryles_D]

Transitioning does change things. Coming out can change things as well, but transitioning does. Even if you were openly trans to her from day one, but closeted to the rest of the world- publically transitioning would change your relationship in some ways. Peoples' perceptions effect things. There are physical changes. Hormonal changes. Each relationship changes differently. It doesn't have to be a bad thing- relationships always change over time. How many people who've been happily married for decades can say that their relationship is identical to what it was on their first date? How many would even want it to be?

One thing you need to realize is this: You can't choose a gender. Your gender is just who you are. You can choose whether to embrace yourself or try to hide an integral part of yourself. Now- being in the closet/non-op can work. My partner and I are mostly closeted, my partner is non-op and I got top surgery and don't intend to do anything further, and I regret not changing my name to a gender neutral one. We're happy together. We support each other, we have friends who know and support us. I've seen a few people who came out after years of marriage and are able to compromise by only dressing up privately/getting support from their spouse as long as they don't come out publically/etc. But I can't imagine this working if I were with someone who demanded I lie about my very gender.

At some point, you have to ask if she's worth it. How bad is your dysphoria? Can you truly imagine yourself living a happy, fulfilling life for decades while living physically and socially as a woman? How good is your relationship? I'm sure you love her, but love doesn't guarantee a good relationship.

[Guest noeleena]

Hi.

A school ground crush a friendship that wont last because its not built on trust there is none there , and you will be the one hurt,

Love and true love is built on trust ,

I allso see another detail for you and you should be walking away from this person theres some underlieing features here that is not in the best interest of a person being seen by another for counciling , The red light is flashing .

I work with people and have who needed help and still do the line is im there to help , and i ...DO NOT..... step over that line into a friendship of any type or kind, i have many friends because they can and do trust me in all i do, okay ,

I can not afford to enter into any relastionship with any one who is needing help, it means i would be in a poistion of taking advantage of some one who is vunalable, this to me is what is going on here,

Does your girlfriend attend the meetings with you seems not

I,ll tell you now she has more issues and problems than you do as of now , you stay there under her influence and youll have a lot more,

Plus her code of ethics is in breach of what she knows not to do, Be wise and get the hell out of there,

...noeleena...

[Guest ZombieDracula]

Who she has been with in the past, who she is attracted to now, or in the past, shouldn't matter. What you two should be focusing on is YOUR relationship with EACH OTHER and what that means for BOTH of you. Where you want this to go, and how you want it to go. Sexuality, like gender, can be fluid. There's also a chance she's not actually ready to label herself 100%. Her sexuality is something SHE needs to figure out. Just like your gender is something YOU need to figure out (and not her).

With that said, you also need to focus on your gender counseling to see if you are trans, or genderfluid, genderqueer, etc or cisgender. Regardless of what conclusion you come to, talking it out, reading about everything, talking to trans/genderqueer/genderfluid people can be quite helpful in figuring yourself out. What I would suggest though is to not put it on the back burner and ignore it.

I also suggest that you don't let anyone else dictate what you do and do not do. Is it worth it staying in a relationship with someone that makes you choose between one or the other? That's something you need to think about.

These are just suggestions, and by no means do you have to do them.