Social Dysphoria?

[Guest EmmaPark94]

Hi, friends,

I apologize for my absence. But now, a wave of Dysphoria has brought me back for reasoning, help, advice, and/or support.

I have always been a girl inside my mind. Having that not match with who I genetically am has always been an issue. But at times, even more so. (Such as weddings)

Recently, I went to a funeral visitation -- of all places, this had to be where I had this triggering moment. Or rather, triggering hours. It wasn't the pretty clothes, or the hairstyles, or the makeup on the girls that triggered it, but it was the camaraderie between them.

At this event, there were mainly two cliques: the guys and the girls. There were exceptions to some people mixing into other cliques, but just because you happen to pop briefly into the clique doesn't make you one of the guys or one of the girls.

Being a girl on the inside, I naturally wanted to be just one of the girls. But, due to social/gender norms, I simply can't try and be friendly with these girls. Because then, I appear as if I'm 'trying to score some points with the ladies', or it'll look like I'm 'gay' or 'weird'.. I even can't compliment them, either, for the same reasons. Not just that day did it happen, but the next day, briefly, and came back today, and is likely to happen again.

I like to classify this as a social type of Dysphoria. Like any form of it, it is uncomfortable and frustrating. Thoughts, comments, anecdotes, or advice is very much appreciated. I have missed you all dearly and send lots of love.

~ Emma

[Guest]

Hi Emma,

I feel your pain! I hated being excluded from the girl's clatch. Guy stuff was, well, guy stuff, and didn't have a lot of attraction.

It's been a pleasant change since transition. I hope that all works out the same for you.

Love, Megan

[VickySGV]

Last Saturday I attended a fancy Tea Party, not the political kind, but the kind where they serve actual tea and tiny sandwiches, cookies, and other stuff like that. This was at my church and is put on by a women's group as a fund raiser for a bunch of things they do. One table did have some husbands at it in male company, but all the rest were women and girls, and now happily one notable TG girl, me!! Now, knock off the TG part. I am part of the women's grouping, even though I did provide the sound and lighting equipment which I did as male for many years. Last year was the first time I went as "one of the women" and it felt so right.

I had stayed away from this event for years, other than to put up loud speakers in the parish hall, and show someone where the electrical switches for it were, and how to control the volume. I kept being asked why I did not stay and join the men, but I kept a whole hat full of convenient excuses so I did not have to. A lot of people today have figured out why I did not stay before, and now that they know me as me, it makes sense to them and to me.

You are not alone.

[Guest ThePhoenix]

Shortly before my own transition, I went to a workplace happy hour with a coworker who is also a good friend. She as (and is) kind of a jock, so as soon as we walked into the door, she got grabbed by someone who wanted to talk sports. I find most sports pretty boring, so I saw she was okay and wandered off to find someone to talk to about something else.

The first group I came to was this group of about 4-6 male coworkers. They were talking about hijinks they got into as kids and various sorts of mischief and such. I ended up standing there completely mute for about ten minutes or so. I had no similar experiences to share. Honestly, the whole conversation might have been in Swahili as far as I was concerned. I couldn't make any sense of it at all. So it was pretty awkward with me standing there having nothing to say and being totally lost. I didn't say a word except for when they would turn to me and say "how about you?" and I would have to say that I had no idea.

So I moved on to the next group, which was a pair of female coworkers. They were talking about books and movies they liked. We had the same interests, the same taste, and we spoke the same language. By the time I left there, I had been recommended a series of books to read and promised a free copy of the first book and I had given a recommendation for my all time favorite film, which is Stardust. I loved it.

The takeaway lesson for me was that I speak female pretty well. No surprise to anyone who knows me. I don't speak male at all. I wish I did.

But this happened at a time when I was very aware of gender and transitioning was at the forefront of my mind, so there was one other thing. It was like there was this huge social chasm, with men living their lives on one side and women on the other. On the men's side there was no space for me because I just did not belong. On the women's side, I could visit. I could even be a very welcome visitor. But I couldn't live there. So it was like there was no place for me to be. And I ended up crying over what had happened at the happy hour for about three days.

So yes, I think there is such a thing as social dysphoria. It's the number one reason why I transitioned. And this story is maybe the best--but not only--story I have to tell about it.

Happily, I am now invited to weddings and baby showers and they all get to be a pain. But you know what? I don't cry over them.

[Guest Ky_Ki]

This happens to me a lot when I find out that my girl friends are hanging out for "girl time" and the like. It's no fun knowing you can't be part of the group merely because of what sex you happen to have been born.

[Guest Faith gibson]

Hi Emma,

I feel your pain. I truly wish the best for you. I recently experienced this kind of dysphoria myself. The inner feelings we must struggle with are very unique to us, I believe and very difficult to explain to others that have not dealt with them. Transitioning, as happened for Vicky, allows you more access to that place we desire. I hope our peers who are further along on their journey don't forget what it is like for those of us still trying to find our way.

It would be great if there was a like minded person(s) that would us help through this stage. Giving the kind of camaraderie that others have. I'm sure many have found this in the area they live. \is thi a possibility for you? There is nothing here where I live so my comfort and sense of belonging comes from the good people here.

All the best,

Faith

[Guest Eva Marie]

I feel your pain also, but mine might be different cause of the box I was forced in, I could talk male felt wrong but I learned. Even through I wanted to join the female group, I had to hide these feelings. Then one day I started to pull away because male stuff was boring but the women's group didn't want a male there even if we had a lot in common. Plus some husbands wondered what was wrong with me, hitting on her, gay or what. But how could I tell them what was in my heart or head? So I pulled away from everyone. Then one day it all came to a head and the inner me she said enough is enough.... So now I know that it's time to become the complete me no matter what. The funny thing is that once I understood that now I take better care of my self and want to go around others. But I found out that I have PTSD and being transgender so both reasons can make ya pull away. So anyway please don't worry about what the other group is doing work on you, cause your whats important. Best of luck to you........Eva

[Guest LizMarie]

Emma, that's a classic symptom of gender dysphoria. I had much of that and it took me years to make friends with a few women before I came out. Those women have always treated me mostly as "one of the girls" and one, when I came out to her, simply said something to the effect (recalling from memory) "Now you make sense to me".

Now that I've transitioned and am living full time, I don't get second looks in bathrooms, I smile and talk to the other women there, or in restaurants, or when shopping and it is like I crossed a great divide. I'm more comfortable on this side of the chasm now and I'm glad I believed in myself enough to go through with this. My transition is still ongoing but I am on the other side now and experiencing it is more different than part time than I ever imagined, and I still haven't figured out why it feels that way.

In addition, I get repeatedly told I'm attractive (for 57 years old!). I get hit on by guys, which being on the receiving end is a weirdly different experience than watching a guy hit on a woman as a third party. I get to experience the other side of male privilege, even from my co-workers to whom I was presenting male just a few months ago! Yes, they do that. They talk down then catch themselves. They go into "extra explanation" mode (for women because men assume women often don't understand) then catch themselves. We all laugh about it.

But if you need to do this, and if you want to do this, you can step across that chasm to the other side. The choice is yours. If you are seriously gender dysphoric, there's a reason that the only recommended standard treatment for GID is transitioning. There are other ways of "coping" but it's always going to be "coping" and not finding your true self.

And if you decide to not transition, I'll tell you now that you can likely expect the dysphoria episodes to get worse, longer, and deeper. Almost every single older transwoman I personally know who transitioned later in life will say the same thing - you can't escape this if your are truly trans, and it will haunt you for the rest of your life, unless you choose to be honest, starting with yourself first. If I could change one thing, it would be to have stopped lying to myself many years ago, instead of just recently. My one regret are the years I lost pretending to be him just because of what was between my legs at birth.

[tracy_j]

Being very shy I have always had problems in social groups / occasions. I must admit I tend to relate far easier to female groups whatever they are discussing. Generally in the past I have only become a member of a male group when they have approached me. I have little interest in many of the main male topics of interest (football (soccer) ).

As such I do not worry about being accepted too much as socially (I can't afford to). I tend to be very much outside of everywhere, but I love women in oh so many ways so just to chat is one of my 'raisons d'êtr'. I don't know any better...

My advice (maybe wrong) is just to be one of the girls. Don't forget that with 'cliques' many girls are upset (some to extreme) when they are left out. As there tend to be male ones as well maybe they are not a gender thing anyway. Just go in there and communicate. One of my maxims in life is 'saying something may well get you somewhere' but 'saying nothing' probably will not! I remember several occasions in past years when my shyness has given me the label of wierd anyway as I have had difficulty even speaking on occasions.

Tracy

[Guest Cyndysub]

Hi Emma,

​I feel the same way sometimes and my Dysphoria fades in and out. I have always envied the camaraderie of women and was aware of the very muted version of it in men. I have also wanted to socialize with the women at social functions or parties and never liked football which some guys can't even have a conversation without talking about football. Most of the time the women were probably thinking that it was a sneaky way for me to hit on them but that could not have been farther from the truth. Whenever I did this I could sense their unspoken vibe "What is this GUY doing" I have also always thought that most guys seem kinda stupid and one dimensional.