Just looking for some advice...

[Guest aballofquestions]

So Ive not been diagnosed with an eating disorder but then again..."boys" dont get eating disorders right? [insert dripping, angry sarcasm here]

The problem is that Ive had a harder and harder time eating. At first it wasnt too bad but its gotten progressively worse and in the last week its been really bad...ive probably had one real meal in a week, often I just feel sick and if I do eat I often feel sick during/after. Im drinking muscle milk shakes just to get some calories but those 180 calories may be my only ones during a day. Medically theres nothing wrong. Im down to 109 and Im 5'8" (and at least anatomically speaking, male). Its been brought to my attention that its probably not good for a 28 year old to fit into a junior's "skinny" size 3 jean...

I started looking around online and read the whole thing about control being a major factor for some people and...that made me pause and has me worried...as a former addict control is kind of an issue and I admit that I feel like there is very very little in my life I have control over right now...

so, Im not sure where to go next...I really dont want to be skinny but I dont want to eat either...any small steps I can make to help bring my calories up? Im afraid if I lose much more weight things are going to start getting bad quickly. any advice?

-Alexis

[Guest Ky_Ki]

Hey, while I never quite got to the point where you are I definitely was close. Then my eating disorder flipped 180 and where before I was excercising too much control I stopped being able to control myself at all. So I'm still in the Ed boat, albeit a different one, so you have my sympathies there. Also you're totally spot on about the "boys don't get Ed's thing". It sucks. But thankfully most therapists aren't so deluded. More on that in a bit.

The following is going to be a bit of giving advice I myself should listen to so I apologize for being a bit hypocritical but perhaps it'll help you.

The good news is it doesn't sound like wanting to be thin is your concern? If so that helps.

Anyway the first thing to realize is that you don't have to be perfect in order to make progress. In fact, being perfect is almost impossible. So if there are days where you can't bring yourself to eat that's ok - it's about the overall big picture. Don't dwell on the small stuff.

On the same note, that means you don't havd to change all at once. In your case just adding some simple carbs (potatoes, pasta) in small quantities could help. Also, and this might be too much for you at this moment in time, but it's really important to eat regularly. Even if you're not eating a lot, eating 6 tiny meals a day is better than not hardly eating anything and then one thing. It'll help to regulate your blood sugar and metabolism and maybe even stimulate your hunger.

One thing that that struck me was you saying that you just had no desire to eat. This makes me think what you're describing might be stemming from depression or something similar and in which case nothing I've said might help as getting motivation to continue could be the main stumbling block. Been there too.

I'm assuming since you're on this board that you are trans or some where around there? If so don't negate the probable fact that it probably plays a large roll in whatever your issues are.

I would suggest reaching out to a therapist if possible, preferably one that specializes in eating disorders (there's a lot of them, and possibly even some sort of clinic depending on where you live). Unlike the vibe that's often given here and society, I won't say that therapy will necessarily fix your problems, but at least in the case of eating disorders can eventually point you in the direction of small steps, nutrition ideas, research, etc that might help.

Ultimately though it's going to have to be you though that decides to make the change, and believe me it's not a decision that's easy to make nor is it as simple as just "saying" you're going to do something. It really does have to be a deep conviction. And you may or may not be there yet. But the more you figure out why you are where you are, the more you can figure out what it is you specifically need to change it. And if you don't decide to make the change yourself your body will do it for you and you'll either a. Die or b. Loose complete control and stop being able to regulate what you eat all at all. I don't think you want number one and I promise that two is terrible. But your body is starving, as much as it may or may not feel like it, and once you hit that point all sorts of biological weirdness begins to happen.

I hope that helps - unfortunately I'm not a nutritionist - but I do know how rotten it is to be in the grasp of something like this. Feel free to PM me whenever. Best of luck.

[Charlize]

I would go see your doctor dear. You are certainly having a problem with weight loss. I know with my addiction to alcohol and drugs that i couldn't stop without help. That isn't because you are weak and there is no shame in that, rather as you said you are powerless and therefore need some help.

Reaching out here is a great first step but talk to a pro and maybe they can advise a better plan of action.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Alexis,

I would definitely contact your medical doctor and/or dietician.

This report may be of some help to you.

Eating Disorders in LGBT (Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgender) Population

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/sites/default/files/ResourceHandouts/LGBTQ.pdf

Also, this organization may be of some help to you.

National Eating Disorder Association

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/information-referral-helpline

The NEDA Helpline is available Monday-Thursday from 9AM to 9PM Eastern Time and Friday 9AM to 5PM to give additional support to our contacts.

In addition to the resources available on our website, NEDA’s Information and Referral Helpline volunteers are here to help you in assessing options for yourself or a loved one who may be struggling with an eating disorder. Helpline volunteers have extensive training to prepare them to be able to help you find treatment options, information and referrals in a compassionate manner.

You may reach the Helpline at (800) 931-2237.

I hope this is of some help to you.

Please try and stay healthy

I wish you Success and Happiness in your Journey.

Hugs,

Carla_Davis

[Guest aballofquestions]

I feel I should update since you all show so much care and concern, and that really helps. I had kind of forgotten about this post.

So the poo completely hit the fan, my wife found out half the story and was convinced I just hated her, so I told her and then immediately after told my parents (I was in a bad place and alone at my sister's house so I called them over). My wife didnt take it so well, I dont really blame her for it, and I had kind of prepared myself for the worst. So even though it went fairly badly it was still better to have it done with than be waiting on the chopping block. My parents took it extremely well (as I knew they would) and were relieved that I was ok (mostly). Ive been living with them since.

So since all of that happened, things changed literally overnight. My appetite returned in force and I gained 10 lbs in about 2 weeks. Ive had a bit more trouble getting above about 116 but thats still better than Ive been for a while and Ive been eating better in the last couple of weeks than I have in...probably close to a year. Pretty ridiculous what a brain thats starting to lose it will do too a body huh?

Needless to say, I am in a much better place than I was. Things are far from perfect, I feel like Im fighting a war to keep my wife and Im not sure who the enemy is; me, my wife or just circumstance. I still have no money but at least found a temporary job. Its a bit like being back in early recovery, everything is chaos but its still better than it was and you just take it a day at a time.

And hey, if I make it back to 120 my mom will be me a nice pair of jeans

Thanks for the advice and concern everyone. It helps so much to have people who are there for you.

-Alexis

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Alexis,

I am glad that our Support has helped you.

ED can be a serious medical issue if not controlled.

I am both happy and sad.

Happy that your family has accepted you, sad that your wife did not.

This information may be of some help to both you and your wife.

PFLAG (Opening the Straight Spouses Closet) http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Publications/Straight_Spouse.pdf
Finding out a spouse is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender can be difficult. Questions about sexual orientation, fidelity, self-esteem and fear often go unanswered. This recently updated and expanded publication provides insight into issues facing spouses, including coping stages, identity crises, concerns about children and support avenues.

PFLAG Support for the Straight Spouse http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=314
Finding out that a spouse is LGB or T is a tremendous challenge and the beginning of a new, unexpected journey. The straight spouse is often devastated and feels isolated from most family members, friends, professionals and even LGBT organizations that do not understand or know how to address his or her unique issues.
The process of discovering peers helps straight spouses realize that they are not alone. It is through the support of these peers that many straight spouses are able to resolve issues and help their family to heal.

You may also want to look into this area on LP for:

Support for Significant Others and Family

http://www.lauras-playground.com/support_index.htm

and finally,

you may want to have your wife become a member of Laura's Playground, and look into this Forum and ask any questions she may have, and also to get Support from other SO’s and Spouses.

There are many Moderators on LP who have Sucessfully maintained their marriage after Coming-Out as transgender.

Partners/SO of Transsexuals Transgender Forums

A place for partners, Wives, Significant Others and Friends and family of Transsexuals and Transgender to discuss their concerns and get advice.

http://forum.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?act=idx

I am glad to read that your appetite has improved.

I am eagerly looking forward to seeing a photo of you in your new jeans from your mom

Please keep us informed about your progress with your ED and also your Journey.

Please feel free to post more questions if we can Support you and your family more

I wish you Success and Happiness in your Journey

Hugs,

Carla