dreaming

[Guest Faith gibson]

Hi,

In sports, they quite often coach you to picture yourself being successful. When I was involved with tennis, the coaches would say, “Picture yourself making that backhand shot. See yourself doing that volley, etc.”

Over the years I was so ignorant of what being transgender was. It’s amazing that I was so much in the dark I just knew that things weren’t right for me but not having a clue why I felt like a gender I wasn’t. What I did, night after night, was construct a world that I could escape to. I lived day to day as a male, but at night I would relive the day in a world of my making. Faith was alive and well once the lights were off. Sometimes I would be up for hours in very complicated scenarios. I always stayed the same age, which was nice except now that I’m older I’m having a hard time accepting that part of myself.

Anyways my point, though it may be sort of silly, is that I was able to keep my dysphoria under control at times with the help of my imagination, even if I had no clue as to what it was that was making me crazy at the time. And I believe those countless hours of seeing myself as this person has in some way shaped me into how I act now. (That’s why the sports reference.)

I guess we do whatever we can in the name of survival. Now a days, I pretty much present as myself every day and I don’t daydream like that anymore, which is probably a good thing. At least I get more sleep.

My ramblings for tonight.

Faith

[JJ]

Faith I did exactly the same thing. From grade school forward I was always Johnny in my day dreams and they were very complex-acting out the events of my life but as a man. More real than my real life in many ways. Any time I could be alone I was that man inside. And because I could dress and act masculine and act myself in the real world then I developed a passion for fishing, hiking and camping.

And like you I didn't have to age. So facing age now that I am living in a real world instead of in my head is hard for me too. As is accepting that I am not nor will ever be all that I lived in my head either. Have never confessed that I still live there some. Not as much because living and interacting in the real world is so much more somehow- but I still need that escape. But now I don't worry about it and fear it. I just enjoy it.

And I also think it helped me in surviving my gender situation. And in knowing who I was as I transitioned. I just had to release all I had always been and how I had thought and felt inside all my life. The daydream was not real but the man who dreamed them was.

While it scared me that my fantasies and daydreams were always male- and always the same person,the same man,at the core-it did not feel wrong or unhealthy. Just something so different I could never tell anybody because I thought they would never understand. Even the psychologists I told everything else I never told about that or any gender related things.

It feels good to know someone else does the same thing. And you explained it so very well. Thank you

Johnny

[Guest Faith gibson]

I thank you as well Johnny. When I first conteplated posting this I thought there might be a chance people may see me as a little off the wall. I actually rewrote it from last night because my first draft did not seem quite right.

I did what I had to do, as I do now, for my peace of mind. But i agree, there were many times when it was kind of fun.

I told my therapist on our first meeting that I was actually looking at the world sometimes from another. One I felt more accepted in.

Best,

Faith

[Charlize]

Faith i think we are all a little off the wall regarding gender including those "without" any issues. Much of our adolescence is spent finding acceptance as we can of our assigned genders and the hormones that drive us as well. Society works hard to direct and help us but while i've only lived this myself i see many who have difficulties. I'm afraid these difficulties may be the real normal if folks are honest about themselves.

As to the ignorance of trans* potential, i remember a young woman at a support group meeting many years ago asking me with some distain if "being pretty was enough". At the time it was all i knew and her question only confused me.

My recurring dream as a child was that i was dressed by a group of girls and then accepted to be with them as one of their group. The wonderful thing is that my life is so similar to that dream now if i take away the aches and pains of getting older.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Sarah23510]

I have had to be my real self only in my mind for most of my life. While I crossdressed off and on over the years I was fully Sarah only in my head and that was after I convinced myself I wasn't just "strange" or a fetish CD. Since I have accepted myself as who I am, I still am male on the outside most of the time, but when I look in the mirror I see Sarah and I live as Sarah in my head.

[Guest]

Your post really spoke to me. I guess alot of us spent time visualising like that. I remember back in highschool how I would always sit around with my sketchbook and draw countless pictures of myself as man. Haha

[Guest Amber L.]

As a child I would ways watch my older cousins put on make up and wish they would put it in me. Also I always pretended that I had a special place underground that I could go to that had all kinds of girl stuff in it and I wood go there and be a girl. Don't know if this is making any sense but this is what I remember when I was little. As young at 5 or 6. Just adding to the topic. Amber

[Guest Ender]

... I believe those countless hours of seeing myself as this person has in some way shaped me into how I act now.

I think that this is a sort of interesting train of thought to follow, and I especially wanted to address what Faith said toward the end of her post. My experience has actually never been imagining myself as a cisgender man; I've never dreamt or daydreamed or written about myself as one (I write extensively and have since late adolescence). I also never imagined myself as a woman to my recollection. I've only ever conceived of myself as I am, even before I learned the term 'transgender.' I've noticed in talking with many other people that this seems a bit uncommon (though, my ex-girlfriend also described a similar experience so, I know that I'm not the only one). This could be for a variety of reasons, I suppose but what I attribute it to is that on some very fundamental level, I accept polymorphism as readily as others accept the binary system; this might also explain why I'm very gender- but not sex-specific in my attractions. Even as a very young child of about four, I wandered in the woods and around creeks and would draw whatever I saw there and think about why it looked the way it did and how it interacted with whatever was surrounding it; I'm now a doctoral student in natural sciences and so, I cannot help but think that all of this stems from a specific way of perceiving the world. This is also why I feel that there must be other people who have had similar experiences.

Getting more to what Faith said, I do think that how we envision ourselves very strongly affects who we become as adults, both with and without regard to gender identity. I think that my disinterest in being "stealth" and my hesitance about taking testosterone ultimately stem from an understanding of myself as a transgender man; I think this also is what dampens my body dysphoria because I accept it as simply "part of the territory." Beyond gender identity, I cannot help but smirk over this statement. Growing up, I had no friends and a very difficult relationship with my family (not only because of my gender), and I spent most of my time writing stories or watching certain series (homeschooled/ self-taught from grade 7 onward). One of my friends jokingly told me "you're not a real person, you're a fictional character brought to life." And in some sense, that's true. I live a bit outside of things because I imagined myself to; in my stories, I was the mysterious one who was both harsh and fiercely loyal - and that is exactly what I've become. My own advisor referred to me as an "enigma" and others have called me "intense." People keep speculating as to when I'll "burn out" and I keep going, in part, because I have never imagined that I would stop.

I'm reminded now of a line from the Iron Giant, one which I've always loved: "You are who you choose to be. Choose."

[gennee]

It was until I was 56 when I discovered why I felt that I was different. It never troubled me to where I was stressed out about it. I never really thought about it. When the new milleneum began did I feel the discomfort that something wasn't right. I began to have the desire to be a woman. I never ever had thoughts like this previously. It was kind of weird and a little frightening because I didn't where this was heading.

I think it was late 2004 or early 2005 that I recorded my feelings in a journal. I also started a blog. It helped to free my mind as to not go insane. The first half of 2005 was stressing especially after I found out that I was a CD. Being in denial didn't help either. When I accepted that was a CD then transgender all the stress dissipated. It was a year later that I comfortable in my own skin.

It has been quite a journey that is ongoing. And it keeps getting better!