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Battle of the Soul

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Battle of the Soul

The pain, the torture, the unending grating on my consciousness. The constant not knowing. The confusion. The never ending war of words ceaselessly attacking the threads of sanity. The desperation. The doubt and fear and knowledge of the enormity of the thing. I cant transition and I cant not transition. The endless progression of paradox after paradox and conflict after conflict. Ruthless urges and despondent grief. More doubt. More doubt and fear. More doubt and fear and questions. Paralysis. Time moves forward and I stand still - absent - barely aware of the effects its ruddy hands have. Surrounded by the evil decisions I cant and refuse to make. Trapped in a coffin of my own self, buried alive unbeknownst to anyone and everyone that looks. Theres a projection, some facsimile. A requirement cuffed to my wrists, sewn to my face, and locked to my shadow. Forced to impersonate an impostor. Illusion and delusion, the self eluded or deluded? Who is it? More paradoxes. More questions. More doubt. Is the facsimile me or am I it? The impostor imposes its ills on whom?

The longing. The tears. The unsuccessful tears. The unfallen tears of a soul unknown.

Unknown.

Hidden.

Somewhere beneath the robes of solitude, the shields of stoic strength, the trophies of suffering, it lies unfound. Is it there at all? If a soul cries in a self and no conscious is there to shed the tears did it happen? Instead: sorrow, loathing, a trial to escape an ethereal jail.

Is it possible to bolt from a prison that doesnt exist? What is there to run from?

Burdensome desires weighing on the soul. Desires which know no sympathy. Wrong desires. Right desires? Desire or need? Alleviation that pains. Pains that soothe. Up is down, right is left, everything muddled, hopeless. Hopeful. Alices world never looked so sane. Insanity. Repeated thoughts striving for new answers with none. If onlyIf only

Why? How? More questions. More doubt. More fear. More doubt about fear and fear about doubt and questions. And questions about doubt and doubt raising questions and pain and torture and grating. Desperation. Unsolved riddles. Unsolvable riddles. Riddling fear paradoxical doubt. Questions. Battalions of questions, of answers, of untrusted truths and believable lies. What is a lie? What is a truth? Does truth lie in belief? In acceptance? Can one not accept a lie? Unstable reality changes every day. Where can one rest? Where can one rest? Rest. Peace. Reason. Relief. Help. Answers. Solutions. Comfort. Quiet.

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Guest tomas

One thing I know for sure is indecision will get you nowhere. If you are not happy with your situation you must act and change it yourself. good luck, tomas

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Guest Ky_Ki

This might come across as hostile, and I promise it isn't, but why is it in that expressing my frustrations and confusion people assume that I'm not taking steps to address them? Sorry for harping on you, you're just the last in a string of people...I'm in therapy, exploring my gender more fully, planning on taking hormones, etc. however that doesn't mean I'm not still confused,frustrated, doubting, etc. :-)

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Guest

I completely understand you.

In fact, I had so much of that confusion, frustration, doubts, etc that if I dwell on that it drives me crazy.

Transition for me has removed a lot of confusion, some frustration and all doubts. I had a jury in my head always sentencing to death the man, always doubting the girl. I don't know why but hormones stopped that. Luckily.

the only thing that frustrates me is the place in society everyone gives transgender people.

so yeah... good text :)

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Guest Rose

I get exactly what you mean. And yet, I remind myself on those days that to act will bring certainty with it.

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Guest Faith gibson

You know Kira, I get that you're hurting and confused. A lot of us are. If you're taking all these steps, then what is it you're hopinbg that people will say to you? I don't want to sound hostile either, but crap, I'm doing the best I can to deal with a situation in my life that has me pretty much on the ropes but I certainly am not going to criticize anyone that has offered me some words of encouragement, whether they help or not.

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Guest Ky_Ki

You know Kira, I get that you're hurting and confused. A lot of us are. If you're taking all these steps, then what is it you're hopinbg that people will say to you? I don't want to sound hostile either, but crap, I'm doing the best I can to deal with a situation in my life that has me pretty much on the ropes but I certainly am not going to criticize anyone that has offered me some words of encouragement, whether they help or not.

You're not crazy I feel like that too hang in there? I tend to be looking for validation, which can often be in short supply in the trans community with the whole "not trans enough" vibe that circles around often.

Honestly I don't intend to criticize anyone. I do rebuttal against much of the advice given to me because that's my innate reaction. I'm hoping for people to rebuttal my rebuttal. The only way you strike down problems in your mind is by battling them out and exhausting all the logic that exists (for me anyway). I think many people seem to think I'm criticizing them or are ungrateful when I question something they suggest or somehow telling them they're wrong. But no I'm trying to engage in a debate for myself, asking for more reasoning - otherwise I win the debate in my mind and I don't make any progress. There's things I know I need to be convinced of, but sometimes I need more evidence than I alone can provide.

Otherwise I just get aggravated when people continually assume they know what I'm doing or not doing - as if I'm stupid and if I just do this one simple thing id be fine. They deride me for being "unrealistic", or tell me to do things I've explicitly said don't help, etc. They sound more like they're attacking me then offering support. It sometimes feels as if people only read the title of a post and then post something completely unrelated. So yes that can be frustrating -but again I don't believe I've criticized anyone. Certainly not intentionally.

And sometimes you just want to have an outlet to vent, and it's not like there's any others around.

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StephanieVikingGirl

Hi Kira,

I like your poetry, it resonates. I had such doubts most of my life on gender issues. I also had no bravery to speak of my issues for literally decades. I tried so hard to protect myself, by projecting a self to others that was more acting than reality. You put into words, things that are so hard to explain. I had internal conflict, and doubts, and fear. I was afraid to expose myself to others, and did my best to hide my nature from myself. I did so many things outside of my comfort zone, just to keep them from finding the real me, and even trying to keep it from myself. I endured much due to my fears. I did things way differently than I would have if I was being true to myself. Impending financial ruin, and a very highly stressful relationship with my father until he passed led me to a break down. I have blocked out some of the details from my memory, but I did make a serious attempt on my own life earlier this year. I am usually very efficient, so I don't know why I am still alive. The Gods didn't want me to leave this world yet, is my only answer, and that revelation overcame my fear. I asked my then new acquantance Jennifer to help me transition at that point. Saved my life. So yeah, I think your poetry resonates with me. Deep down I had so many fears, that I was torturing myself with them, and I did it for decades. I was afraid, and yet I projected a completely fearless persona, kinda ironic really. Composing poetry can be therapy for the soul, and you might gain insights from doing it as well. I appreciate the art of the written word, and you are an artist, thanks. :)

hugs,

Stephanie

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Guest Faith gibson

Hi Kira,

I'm certainly with you when it comes to the need to just vent. I will listen to you all you want. I can't offer lots of advice and I really hesitate to do so on this site because I feel that all of us are so different in our place. Even though many here may feel they've heard it all before. There certainly are always people that will offer advice and feel they have answers though. Kate Bornstein said "Let's stop pretending that we have all the answers, because when it comes to gender, none of us is flipping ( a substituted word) omniscient.”

I get frustrated as well. Especially hearing that transition is the only "cure". I may have to take hormones eventually, but I often get the same arguments from people who are born again. They feel their experience is so euphoric and great that all the rest of man, and women, kind must jump on their band wagon. I want to survive without transitioning if I can. I do not believe it is that fantastic. Maybe it is, for many, but at my age I cannot believe seeing the pain in my children's eyes will be worth any inner peace I may derive from it. Like a lot of people here though, I may have no choice. I'm fighting that though. Like you, I just hate the feeling, and I get as well, that I'm not trans enough. Somehow my inner woman is not comparable without transition. It's such nonsense.

Laura's has been really good for me. It has allowed me to talk things out. In doing so I have reached a place where I can honestly say that I know who I am. Nothing anyone else says about me, or labels they put on me, will change that. For that I am truly grateful. I get 'maamed' as well when I go out (just like those on hormones). I know what it's like. I know that's what I need, but I agree with you, I have many doubts.

I'm so sorry. I didn't intend to go off on a rant of my own. And you can refute anything I personally say if you like. :)

I just hate any kind of confrontation though. So you, or anyone can destroy me pretty easily by doing that.

Best

Faith

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Guest

My hope is that eventually everybody find his solution. I'm happy with mine, it's not perfect, it's not for everybody.

The main thing I got by coming here is I was able to listen to everybody and cherry pick what is my solution. There's no transgender in my social circle including everybody I knew in my life so if nobody talk about solutions and things that makes us happy... I mean, where will I get it.

It's ok to vent and Kira's vent was a very good one :)

But we need to talk about solutions too. I never saw anyone here say their way to deal with their situation is the only one, or event that it's a "cure"

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Guest Faith gibson

then you haven't been listening closely enough. It's exactly what some are saying.

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Guest

well, i'm good at listening so I guess I will go back to what i'm good at

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Guest LizMarie

No one has said there is one single solution, and if anyone believes that I said that then they need to re-read what I have actually wrote elsewhere here at Laura's as well as on my blog.

What I said was that the medical community has a large body of evidence that the most effective strategy for the majority of transsexuals involved HRT plus transition, and often GRS. Other people can and do find other solutions but they are each unique to that person so there is no way to "prescribe" a unique solution for those that cannot or will not consider HRT plus transition. In every single such case the individual has to work out their solution themselves, usually with the assistance of a therapist.

But when suicide attempt rates (indicating epidemic levels of individual stress) are at 46% for transmen and 42% for transwomen (UCLA WIlliams Institute, Suicide Attempts among Transgender and Gender Non-Conforming Adults - FINDINGS OF THE NATIONAL TRANSGENDER DISCRIMINATION SURVEY) and when the general population in the US has a 1.6% suicide attempt rate, and when HRT+transition+GRS reduces those suicide attempt rates to about 4% (an over 90% reduction), then yes, HRT+transition+GRS becomes the prescribed solution for the majority of transsexuals by the medical community (reference PLOSOne Swedish study - Long-Term Follow-Up of Transsexual Persons Undergoing Sex Reassignment Surgery: Cohort Study in Sweden).

So let's be precise about what solutions exist. HRT+transition+GRS is the "prescribed" solution path because it is proven to work. Alternative solutions are always unique to each individual and therefore cannot be prescribed, but they do exist.

The path that any individual chooses to alleviate their dysphoria is up to them and regardless of chosen path, I wish them luck. But if I am asked generally (not for a specific individual) how to resolve extreme and debilitating dysphoria, I am going to give the standard answer - HRT+transition+GRS because it works.

I have nothing further to add to this conversation.

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Guest Faith gibson

I don't care what you have to add to a conversation. Or what some of you think you hear. I have had my feelings so hurt so many times on this site. You change your wording so quickly when challenged. One of the first things I was told by a moderator on LP when i joined a year ago was that most transitioned MTF look upon people like me as a want a be. Of course, they were quick to add that they didn't feel that way.

I know what is behind what you say. There's almost no discussion on this site. Hours go by without any posts. The reason is, the moment a person posts something that doesn't seem to fit or agree with all the 'staus' people here, they're quickly dismissed or talked down to.

I'm obviously not as well versed or intelligent as you. I only know one thing for sure, I know that I'm not getting the support I need here. I can't handle confrontation and the moment I disagree with someone, I get jumped on. I've been told countless times I need to transition, please don't tell me I haven't. When are you going to transition? Why haven't you transitioned? You'll feel better when you transition. My life is so much better now that I've transtioned. How can anyone even say that isn't the underlying message here?

I guess it's just time for me to go. I'm obviously becoming someone, something that is not really me here. At least I hope is not me.

I've heard from the sayings of a mod, that people come and go here all the time. I guess it's no big deal.

I was going to just avoid this thread and stay away until the new year, but I had to read it now I don't think I can turn back.

You know LizMarie I hope you're happy in your lofty state of being knowledgable. I don't know what it takes to be happy as a trans person. I think that's obvious. I do know that the condescension is not helping.

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Guest Ky_Ki

Hi Kira,

I'm certainly with you when it comes to the need to just vent. I will listen to you all you want. I can't offer lots of advice and I really hesitate to do so on this site because I feel that all of us are so different in our place. Even though many here may feel they've heard it all before. There certainly are always people that will offer advice and feel they have answers though. Kate Bornstein said "Let's stop pretending that we have all the answers, because when it comes to gender, none of us is flipping ( a substituted word) omniscient.

I get frustrated as well. Especially hearing that transition is the only "cure". I may have to take hormones eventually, but I often get the same arguments from people who are born again. They feel their experience is so euphoric and great that all the rest of man, and women, kind must jump on their band wagon. I want to survive without transitioning if I can. I do not believe it is that fantastic. Maybe it is, for many, but at my age I cannot believe seeing the pain in my children's eyes will be worth any inner peace I may derive from it. Like a lot of people here though, I may have no choice. I'm fighting that though. Like you, I just hate the feeling, and I get as well, that I'm not trans enough. Somehow my inner woman is not comparable without transition. It's such nonsense.

Laura's has been really good for me. It has allowed me to talk things out. In doing so I have reached a place where I can honestly say that I know who I am. Nothing anyone else says about me, or labels they put on me, will change that. For that I am truly grateful. I get 'maamed' as well when I go out (just like those on hormones). I know what it's like. I know that's what I need, but I agree with you, I have many doubts.

I'm so sorry. I didn't intend to go off on a rant of my own. And you can refute anything I personally say if you like. :)

I just hate any kind of confrontation though. So you, or anyone can destroy me pretty easily by doing that.

Best

Faith

Yep I get this. In fact that is my largest Hangup at the moment. I want to be on the other side so badly but as badly as I want that I just as badly want to avoid transition. Unfortunately until someone invents the magical body changer 2000 that's not an option. And so for me the hard, very hard, literally hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life, is trying to decide what is more painful? A couple years of horribly awkward and stressful transition or a lifetime (possibly quite shortened) of constantly wondering "if only". And honestly I haven't decided. I'm completely paralyzed. And have been for

Months and probably will be for some time longer. Sometimes I feel Im capable of squashing my feelings to the back of my mind and living as my current self indefinitely and other times I'm balled up into a crying heap because I can't stand being in this body one more minute and I have to. I never really anticipated the idea that transition could be something that I need to do but still loath. The idea that feminine things don't come naturally all the time is daunting too. I always figured that if I'd need it I'd also want it, but that doesn't seem to be the case. And the fact that it does seem to be the case for most trans people makes it all the more confusing.

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Guest Faith gibson

I'm so embarrassed by the things I say Kira. It's just that I am hurting so much. I agree so much with you with some things. And I feel that I am kind of alone. The only difference is that I really do feel that feminine things come sort of natural to me. At least, the way I do things in my life seems to single me out and having a friendship with a male is very difficult because i don't relate well to their thinking. I'm always on the outside. I was hoping that at LP, I wouldn't be, but I feel that way here as well. The way I get talked down to by some, not all by any means, of the people here, really hurts. I need some understanding, not lectures. I'm happy for the people that are doing well, but I don't always feel good after reading their posts, and I feel guilty about that as well. It's a happiness that I may never feel.

There are lots of previously posted material here and so many of the mods have gone over it again and again. Maybe they need to back off and let someone with a little more empathy take over. I don't know what will be the answer for this forum but you have to be blind to see that lots of new comers don't stay long. And, very few have the courage to post here.

I'm going to avoid the forum for awhile. I believe I am getting bitter and that is really not how I want to be.

Thank you for your honesty Kira. You are one of the few.

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Guest Ky_Ki

I certainly understand that feeling Faith. Although I do think a lot of the new comers leave because they really already know and are sure of what they want-they just need one person to agree with them or a couple easier questions answered. Then again I know of at least one person who left for exactly the reasons you describe.

Also when I say feminine things don't come naturally I tend to be referring to the fact that I don't instinctively know how to do my hair or makeup-or being being less inhibited emotionally. But of course I've had s lifetime of suppressing the latter and no one knows the former - they just get to learn from age 3 so it seems that way. Just like people who are bilingual technically had to learn both languages-just it happened so early they don't remembef it. Anyway off topic lol.

It's fine to take a break if you need it. I know on another forum I used to frequent (that has nothing to do with being trans) the attitudes there just got so corrosive and hostile that a topic I loved was turning into a major stressor in my life - to the point that I would stay up at night because I couldn't understand these people not the fact they were attacking something so dear to me. But eventually I said to myself "who gives a love what random people on the Internet think", stopped visited as often, and now while I'm without an outlet to talk about that particular topic my life is also much better for if. Laura's is by no means anything like that forum, but the internet does have a way of releasing people's inhibitions and more daring/opinionated with what they say. I do hope you come back after your break because a conversation without dissenting voices is not much of a conversation. And it also contributes to a big problem in our community with the assumption and false narrative (mostly driven by the media) that every trans persons story is the same.

All the best.

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Guest Ky_Ki

Oh and ditto on feeling alone. I have a freaking trans friend in real life and I still feel completely alone as thankful as I am for him. I'm just not in the same state of acceptance at the moment. Nor do I feel anyone can understand. And I've been an outsider for my entire life. So even when objectively I might not be, maybe when people do understand, I still can't rid myself of the feeling I am and they don't. It sucks.

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Carolyn Marie

I do hope you come back after your break because a conversation without dissenting voices is not much of a conversation. And it also contributes to a big problem in our community with the assumption and false narrative (mostly driven by the media) that every trans persons story is the same.

I agree completely, Kira. We always strive to do better, and we are by no means perfect. I don't know for a fact why most people leave. I certainly don't believe that most leave because of a problem with the site. There are probably as many reasons as there are members, and it's probably a phenomenon common to most sites like this. I think a lot of folks just get scared of talking about these issues in "public."

The other thing you mentioned that I agree with is that little or none of this comes naturally, whether we are MtF or FtM. I often talk about the importance of socialization in the new gender, as being of equal importance to physical changes or voice. It is an often overlooked issue, because most are, naturally, consumed by their dysphoria and in need of dealing with that. But if we are considering social transition, we need to understand that if you haven't grown up in your target gender, learning to "be" female or male takes time, and takes a lot of work.. Learning those little things has brought me great joy, perhaps more than the joy I found in the physical changes. But it does take time, and we're going to make mistakes along the way..

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

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Guest miss kindheart

The soul it is, when it begins

When one day, abruptly ends

We laugh we love, we sometimes cry

Whatever we do, live no lie!

The truth is love, pure like a dove

It flies to heaven, way up above

So look inside, your very heart

For you know, that from your start

You were pure, just like light

A bit more colored, and out of sight

So It is true, it wasn't blue

It was the color, we all call you

Be good, be true

Be happy, be You

Love

:wub: vanna

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