Vodka, balalaika and a cliché story

[Guest Silentium]

Hello, world. There is not a single thing new in this post, so I will make things short.

Given data: Russian, born female, late teens, living with a parent, anxiety disorder; prefer male pronouns and grammar, think about myself with them, actively trying to "sneak" them into speech. Perhaps the best thing of my body is that my face looks equally like my father's and mother's, anything else is painfully feminine.

Now, I know that the right answer to "what in the name of all things holy am I" is "only you can tell, dear, see a therapist to sort this out."

That being said, I don't imagine how am I going to see a gender therapist absolutely discreetly and without a penny.

Anyway, greetings. I don't know why am I doing this.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Silentium,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing with us. Feel free to look around and ask questions. We'll do our best to provide answers.

MaryEllen

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's. You will find as you read and post here that you are not alone.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Silentium]

Let this be some sort of records. Perhaps the words will be easier sorted written.

Tomorrow I am going to my "general" therapist. She is nice, but I can't bring myself to really talk about gender. We have touched it briefly. I go out of cabinet after a session and think: "Next time is the time."

How to approach this? Is there a right way to say that I want to be at least androgynous?

[tracy_j]

Hi Silentium

Hello and welcome

For a therapist to understand and help you as much as they can it is best for you to be as open and honest as you can. In my opinion it is the best way to say anything. I feel there are really no right or wong ways.

An experienced therapist sees many people and may realise, but if the therapist is not an experienced gender therapist though they may well not really understand you. Being open is good in that if the therapist is a good one then they will know their strengths and limitations and advise accordingly.

I hope it helps a little but you will find friendly people with experience here

Tracy x

[Guest Silentium]

Hello, Tracy. Thank you for your reply. May I ask you how it went in your case, if that's not offensive?

[tracy_j]

No Silentium it's not offensive although in general everyone's experiences are different.

Although I have had some issues with depression and had some therapy a few years back that was not really related to gender (or not directly so anyway). As such I never mentioned gender at the time and the subject did not come up. That is why I recommend being open as it is important to you.

I have come out more in the way I am now because of family, work and just accumulated stressful circumstances. I needed to be me as I decided that was the best way to cope as things were going downhill rapidly. I am confident in myself which makes a big difference. Also, being older, I do not have issues with parents in the same way you probably have. My partner is steadily adjusting as I slowly change. I believe in steady change and avoiding arguments.

I have felt as I am since I was little. I am just being more (and when practical completely) open now.

I know I am androgyne / non binary, floating around and sometimes mentally jumping back and forth between genders but I do feel at one with myself when not thinking about gender at all. I have never spoken to a therapist about this. Although some of my family and friends are not too happy with things I have managed to avoid anything major. In my job it is not a problem.

Perhaps some time in the future I will feel as if I may go completely female but I don't think so. If this happens I would need to talk to a gender therapist as there would be issues of hormones and possible surgery to think about. At present I am happy with shaving, clothing and makeup. I am not on hormone therapy.

A gender therapist would help you learn about yourself and where you are going. They would also help you plan for the future.

My advice here at Lauras is to read and talk to people as it would give you other peoples experiences. As I said at the beginning, everyone is different, but you will find like minded people.

Tracy

[Guest Silentium]

Record 2.

Things with money are getting darker.

Therapist, I guess, thinks that my male pronouns are caused by expectations in childhood: mother wanted me to do ballet, father to do martial arts, I wanted neither. Or it is the theory, anyway.

Anyway.

Was taken for a young man in the line at the pharmacy. Though the cashier corrected her, it still felt nice. It felt: "No, no, it's fine, nevermind."

Thank God for winter coats and beanies.

[Guest Silentium]

Record 3.

I never knew since my childhood. This criteria is my bane. Therefore, I am "confused". I tried to talk about this with my mother in October. Welp, I messed it up, to say it lightly. I started to cry, for which I hate myself, but, again, depression game was hard.

"I knew this could happen - your father with his push-ups and martial arts..." (This is not how it works.)

"Why, do you love males so much you want to become one?" (This is not how it works!)

"Oh, God, what a terrible thing to happen to me." (You.)

I only start to think about it now and I still feel extreme anger.

[Guest Silentium]

Oh, yes. Can the mods move this topic here to the bios here? http://forum.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showforum=76

It is more like this at the point. I would be very grateful.

[Charlize]

I do think that gender is confusing to many of us. It can take years to fully understand who we are and the why is perhaps beyond understanding. I still seem to be discovering myself and as i do things change. It is almost like peeling back the layers of an onion. It is so fortunate that i am learning how to enjoy rather than stress over the journey. Keep reading and posting. It helps.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Silentium]

Thanks, Charlize and whoever moved that topic.

I'm the talkative, brooding and reflecting type today, I guess. Poking myself where it hurts. But, you know how medicine was born? From torturers' craft.

Record 4.

I was 15. Mother somehow convinced me to do ballet. I don't even remember how. Things with my emotions are hazy. Skirt. Dancing heels. A whole lot of quiet annoyance. My head hurts as I try to remember how I danced with a boy as a girl. Keep your hand up his shoulder and let him keep his hand on your back.

[Note for self: I needed to breath deep. I felt like I'm going to cry as I wrote this]

After a few months I said: "Nevermore". It was, in fact, a first time time the third grade I was in a skirt.

I have never really cared about genders. Girls' room? Fine, whatever. I have never seen a difference. Puberty - oh, puberty. That was when I started to have a headache and was set up on antidepressants.

Now, it seems as I try to think about it, my headache worsens. I live with pain 24/7 and no medication works. Interesting enough. My therapist guessed that it is an organic reaction to stress and anger, she is most likely right. I also can't think about genders and my biography without being at risk of crying, which is disgusting, but I have no control of. Today I have went full-aboard with activity, memories and brainstorm, chatted with a few people anonymously, and was tearing up at least five times in a six hours.

[Charlize]

I am sorry you are feeling such discomfort. I'm not sure how your medical system and government feel about transition but i hope your therapist and society can help and allow you to be yourself. This is a difficult journey for most of us but circumstance often make it harder than need be. For many of us it is family but in most situations time and patience can give us the chance to find peace. I hope you find that peace sooner than later.

Hugs,

Charlize

[gennee]

Welcome to Laura's, Silentium.

[Guest Silentium]

This post is somewhat dedicated to the International Women's Day - it is called so, anyway - the 8th of March.

My congratulations to all the girls out there. May your roads be light.

Negative under the spoiler.

For the love of things unholy: how, HOW could it be decided that I would like cosmetics, nail polish and lip balm as a gift? Am I seen wearing lip balm? No, I am not. Am I seen with a nail polish? No. Still somehow you gift me these.

And I don't even start on the fact that I was given gifts on the women's day.

You know, feels slightly annoying.

Then, sure, we don't have money for the gym for me. Sure. So, doing push-ups in my room until then. Then, sure, I will have to spend some money on the legit haircut, who knows where. And who knows will I hear the "you have uglied yourself" line or not?

I don't dream about binder.