Giving church a try again.

[Guest abbersthenerd]

Okay, so first a little explanation of why I've been very anti-Christian for the past few years (ever since I accepted myself as being queer and it being something I can't change). Long story short, at eight years old, after never feeling like a girl and having crushes on boys and girls both, I found out that I could be a boy and that it's possible to be attracted to more than one gender (I'm ftm and bisexual) by hearing a preacher yelling about how anyone who changes their "god-given" gender is going to hell, and that anyone who's not heterosexual will go to hell as well. He went on to say that anyone who didn't believe that way was a fake Christian.

Naturally, after being conditioned my entire life to believe I was an abomination for being who I was, I legitimately got triggered by mentions of Christianity for a long time, and the mere mention of going back to church would induce a panic attack. I was raised in a very fundamentalist Baptist family, and if I'd come out as a child, rather than after my mom has become more accepting, my parents wouldn't have accepted it. My entire family knows I identify as male, and all of them refuse to acknowledge it, like it's something shameful. It's "not talked about" in our family when someone is queer.

Anyway, after years of negative experiences with church, some being enough to trigger suicidal thoughts and actions, I lost faith in God. I became an atheist, and accepted that I couldn't be a Christian if I was queer.

But that's changed now, because today I was talking to a social worker who's helping me to be able to work and live on my own, and she mentioned that her cousin and his boyfriend go to a church with a mostly LGBT congregation, and that church also sponsors a support group for LGBT teens and young adults. The pastor there is a gay man. My first thought upon hearing this, courtesy of nineteen years of having this way of thinking drilled into my head, was that they weren't Christians because you can't be a Christian if you're queer. But I decided to go to the support group, if nothing else, and she gave my contact information to her cousin, and his boyfriend contacted me. I've decided I'm going to give church one last try, at least give myself some closure and make myself less wary of Christians.

Apparently there are very few heterosexual people in the congregation, though there's only one transgender individual, and that person is a woman, but at least there's a good chance I won't be yelled at that I should repent or I'll spend eternity burning in hell. I've only ever met two queer adults, one bigender individual who used he/him pronouns and was pansexual, and one bisexual cisgender woman. Needless to say, most of the queer role models I've had have been celebrities who are out or people I've seen online.

I feel like this could be a new start for me. I'm nervous about being mistaken for a butch lesbian, because that happens to me sometimes (it's weird because I'll pass to one person and the next will think I'm a girl), and I'm afraid being in a church again will trigger me, even if it's in a non-threatening environment. I found my old study bible from when I was a little kid and saw that the verses about homosexuality were highlighted last week. It triggered a really bad anxiety attack, which led to anger. I drew a rainbow on top of Leviticus 20:13 and wrote all over it that I'm not an abomination, and that helped a bit.

I'm really nervous that being in a church will trigger something like that, a flashback or a panic attack or something, and I don't want to freak out in a place where I'm perfectly safe because I've just remembered something that happened ten years ago in a totally different location but involved a church. I want to be able to believe in something again, but with all the experiences I've had in church before, I don't know if I'll ever fully trust anyone that's a Christian

[Guest abbersthenerd]

I accidentally submitted this before I was done typing...oops. Anyway, I just have so many mixed feelings about going back to church, even though I know this one won't judge me for being who I am. I'm going to Sunday school at 9:30 on Sunday morning, and there's a meeting of the LGBT youth support group at four in the afternoon, so I'll be there almost all day. I'm just so nervous about going back to church, but the guy I talked to seems really nice and understanding, and I want to give church a try again.

That's pretty much all I wanted to say.

Alex

[VickySGV]

I am very happy for you Alex, and I think that it will be a good experience for you, no matter what. You do not say what church it is but there are several that do things the way you talk about. If it is any of the three or four churches I can think about, the Bible verses you are afraid of will not even be mentioned, because there is so much other wonderful and welcoming scripture to be explored and meditated on, that the 6+1 verses that are mistakenly and ignorantly applied to LGBT people just get in the way of the truly awesome stuff there. Of the 6 passages people try to aim at the LGB, NONE applies to LGB life as we know it today, they apply to actions that took part in regard to one tiny group of Hebrew Priests back in ancient times, and which involved their participation in rituals practiced by the other religions around the Hebrews at the time. The one T "slobber" passage where clothing in mentioned also refers to pagan rituals going on in the other religions in the same area as the Hebrew people, and was an admonition to stay true to the Hebrew religion and not mix your rituals up. It is very likely in this church that it will be pointed out that LGBT people were known back in the times when the first parts of the Bible were written (based on the writings of the other religions that we have) and the fact the early Hebrews did not mention any of us as such, means that we were not a serious problem to the Hebrew deity to be written about.

You may have to do some educating about Trans* people, and that is OK if you are patient and loving. GLB people are mostly Cis people (non-trans) who are happy with their bodies. A butch lesbian may look boyish, but is still proud of her sexual parts and happy to have them, and butch lesbian is still a woman, a type to be sure, but a woman. You may look like a butch lesbian just now to some people, but you are NOT a woman as to how you view your body. It is the inner part of each of you that needs to be honored and respected, and I hope you will find this.

[Guest Raya]

I'm so glad you found an accepting church. I had to find a way to integrate faith into my transition or it would have been a non-starter. My new church,Episcopalian, is very different from the non - denominational Christian I was used to, but great folks.

My heart breaks when I think about all the hurt generated by hateful people in the church, which should always be a place of healing.

I think Vicky's theological explanation is right on.

And the birth family non - acceptance, such a bummer. Hopefully time will help

[Charlize]

I will echo's Vicky's idea that you will have to do some education but hopefully you will find a group whose ears are open and that with time will grow to understand. I have been amazed at a GLB meeting i attended for years. They have added a T and at times i am thanked for explaining who we are. Others now come to the group and can express their feelings about gender as well as sexuality. You have a chance to help others as well as yourself.

Stick with it. Faith can be such a powerful force in our lives.

Hugs,

Charlize

[VickySGV]

Tracy -- I am also an Episcopalian, and am a Lector and Intercessor in the services, as well as a member of the Vestry (lay governing board) of my parish. I also transitioned in my parish 4 years ago with so few problems that I almost do not believe it. This June, when our Bishop comes for a visit, I will renew the Baptismal Covenant and Confirmational Vows that I made 45 years ago in my old name, in my True name. Not to mention my participation in things at the Diocesan levels, and that I am a member of Integrity which is the National Church's LGBT advocacy organization.

[Guest Raya]

Awesome Vicky!

I really didn't (still dont) know much about the Episcopalian church, but there was one near my home, and they claimed to be accepting. They have been, I spoke to a lay pastor early on about my being trans and right off the bat he laid it out a lot like you did. I am considering it my new church home.

[VickySGV]