Just wondering what has changed?

[Guest Faith gibson]

I am fairly new to the whole transgender world. Well, the world according to many of you. I’ve lived my life in pretty much in ignorance of this TG world and instead had my own fears, thoughts, and doubts that were the best I could do. I was part of that age group where not many were aware. I fought my own battles, suffered some defeats but had a number of successes as well. I’ve made it so far on my own. No help from anybody and I don’t owe anyone anything.

I’m certainly not saying that I am happy all the time. I suffer from depression and I do have many regrets. For the last 18 months I have known about the rest of you due to this online stuff. Two and a half years ago, I didn’t even have a computer of my own, other than at work .

I have been trying to determine lately if this has been a blessing or a curse. I was crying the night I discovered LP chat rooms 18 months or so ago, and things really haven’t changed. I’ve met people online that have helped in some ways, but some of the knowledge I have gained has really only made things worse at times. People have pressured me, believing that their path has been the ‘way’ to go. Or they have tried to make me feel badly in an attempt to make their own selves sound like TG experts.

I have no doubt that people are truly helped by talking with others online. I have felt so myself many times. After all these months though, I really can’t point to things and say, “I feel so much better now because of it all.” I don’t feel better. And some of the stories I’ve heard have only made me feel at a greater loss. Maybe I have moved further down the course that should have been started so long ago.

I often feel that I need to be so guarded with what I say. I will admit that I lack so much knowledge and am not gifted in saying what I want to in a way that doesn’t make me sound so naïve. So many people are so intent on finding fault with things. I don’t understand that. It is not just here online, it has been the norm at work this year. I’m so troubled by it. At work (I’m a teacher), I’ve always had such good relationships with parents, this year and this group of parents have been a nightmare. I have found that many online are so ready to jump on every word I say about being transgender. It’s as though my experiences are not as valid as theirs. I have made it through many years without being a part of this world officially, and I feel that in a way I am sort of an expert as well. I have managed to keep my marriage, support my family, haven’t relied on any drugs or alcohol, and more importantly have not caused anyone any serious pain.

Do I sound ungrateful? I’m really not. I do realize that I needed to address this whole TG thing. I couldn’t keep it in the background any longer and online support, mainly through my time on LP, has brought me to a whole new place. I still feel alone though and still am in such conflict with what I will do. So in a way I can’t help wondering if it’s been a good thing for me. Did I really need to know all of this? Yet, I’m still here and guess I will be for a while.

Thanks for listening.

Faith

[Carolyn Marie]

Faith, I am glad that you've been here, asking the questions you have, contributing to the conversation, helping others. Sometimes that help is unintentional; by giving voice to your own doubts and fears, you help others understand that they aren't alone in their doubts and fears.

I regret that you have found some discordant voices among those here or elsewhere on the Web. In an open forum, we can't (and don't wish to) impose too many restraints on what people can say, and since we have so many different voices, some will say things we wish they wouldn't, but they are within our rules, and so we allow it.

I know you struggle with all of this, and it isn't easy to find the right path. I hope that we've helped along the way, and maybe just the act of expressing your frustrations will offer some solace and peace of mind.

Whatever direction your life takes, I wish you happiness and peace. That is all any of us want in this life.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Kenna Dixon]

People have pressured me, believing that their path has been the ‘way’ to go. Or they have tried to make me feel badly in an attempt to make their own selves sound like TG experts.

Faith, I'm so sorry you've had that experience.

We're only experts on ourselves, and the vast majority of the regular contributors understand that each person has to find his or her own way to fulfillment. No one can tell you what's right. Only you know that.

Here, you are loved and appreciated as an individual. It's not about judgment. This is a place to find support and guidance (which you're free not to accept).

By the way...I disagree that you are less than adept at expressing your feelings.

[Guest LizMarie]

I always tell people you must make your own choices. But I would ask you if the choices you've made over the last two years have made you happier or not? And why?

Faith, you've insisted relentlessly that you cannot transition, that you must remain "in the closet", and that there is no other choice for you. Fine, that's your choice. Yet you continue to tell us over and over and over again that you are unhappy. I honestly don't know what to tell you at this point in time except to re-examine the choices you've made, and to be honest with yourself. But in the end, you are the one who will decide what path you take. Not me, not Carolyn, not anyone else... you will choose. And if you are unhappy with where you are, only you can change that.

The notion that we, through our actions, can make others happy or unhappy is a falsehood of immense proportions. Others choose how to react to situations. My youngest son angrily rejected me and now he has made a different choice, mending fences, introducing me to his baby boy, and spending time with me. Those are his choices, see? What I did had no impact on his happiness or lack thereof. He chose to be angry and unhappy, and then later he chose to mend fences and be happy to have me back in his life.

The only choices you can make are about you. And so far you've chosen to be unhappy, a choice that only you can change.

I will pray for you, Faith. I don't know what your future holds, but whatever path you take, I hope you find peace, happiness, and fulfillment as yourself.

[Guest Kenna Dixon]

The notion that we, through our actions, can make others happy or unhappy is a falsehood of immense proportions. Others choose how to react to situations.

I fully agree.

I read wise words to that effect back in the 1970s (from Wayne Dyer, I think), and they have stuck with me.

No one can "make" me mad or sad or anything else. I may choose to have a particular reaction, but I'll cede the control of my emotions to no one.

[Charlize]

Faith, Like you i only really knew the possibilities in gender expression later in life. Laura's was certainly helpful. I didn't feel the pressure you mention except for a new inner pressure that developed within me. "How you going to keep them down on the farm once the've seen Paris". I was upset as was my world. Living in my closet was comfortable and although i became addicted to alcohol but i can not blame that on my gender issues. I'm an alcoholic. I've also been a good parent and provider. What i never was able to do was to find a way to reconcile two parts of myself without feeling guilty and depressed.

That has come with time, sobriety and accepting my issues while finding some peace with them. We can all get there differently. I hope you don't feel pressure from outside. If your like me and look closely you may find the pressure is from within. It is human nature to feel our answer is the right one.... hopefully it is for us regardless of what that answer might be. Finding and accepting your own answer is perhaps the hardest work we can do but the result can be peace of mind.

Hugs,

Charlize

[tracy_j]

I can see where you are coming from with a lot of this Faith as I feel a lot of similar things, but the main thing to remember is that the group here at Lauras are in general not therapists but ordinary people who are happy to share their experiences and give guidance with the best intentions.

In the end it is down to ourselves to choose what to do about it.

I for one am much more relaxed with knowing I am not alone even if I don't fully understand where I am going. Funnily enough that is a good point about being who I am. Learning new experiences and treading strange paths! It's scary but thats life!

Tracy

[Guest]

Faith, if I ever came off like that I didn't mean too. For me Laura's was a lifeboat when I needed it most! Gratefully no one here has shown me the exit door. I relate to you and everyone else here.

I'm opinionated, crass, bawdy, tender sweet and loving in my own self absorbed way. I do want to make people laugh and think and feel, then choose what's right for them. Knowing bluntly where I went wrong, may steer folks clear of my many tears and mistakes. Maybe the class clown never grew up. I'm still an empathetic educator though many times falling woefully short of that mark.

When I say "Your mileage may vary..." It is not only my disclaimer, it is a warning to tread carefully if one chooses to take any part of my path. Without that I would be leading people into a room full of loaded mouse traps and convincing them we are at a cheese tasting social! Take me with a grain of salt.

And like a green olive I'm loved or hated, probably just as flavorful. Hug. JodyAnn

[gennee]

Faith, I was a late comer into the trans world. Never knew I was trans because it seemed to be hidden from me. What did linger was that I always believd that I was different. For over 50 years i never knew why I felt that way. Looking back now perhaps I was spared of many terrible events. Still even when I did accept myself and live openly, I still had decisions to make, beliefs that needed changing and how I was going to live my life.

Faith, I always say that no one else can make you happy. Having read your post you have dealt with issues in your life rather well. We can't control how others respond to us. We cannot live a life of 'what ifs.' Remember that you are valuable and you mean so much that many people. You may not always see it but its true.

[Guest Faith gibson]

It was not my intent to bash LP in general here folks. But listen there are those that insist their way is the way. However, all that was not really the intention of my post. Maybe I put too much into them I don't know.

I certainly do not look to anyone here for my happiness. Sorry if I'm not living the life I would like to. I was not aware that we only had to be positive here all the time. I also am fully aware that I am responsible for my own actions. I am seeking my way, please allow me to explore that by throwing things out there. Maybe I should keep the posts with my feelings showing deeply buried within my journal. I certainly do not choose to be unhappy. I am in the process of trying to find out what will change that for me. I really believe that I am not in as dark a place as I was just a couple of months ago. If it's wrong for me not to jump on the band wagon of transition after only 18 months of it's discovery I'm sorry. It's not such an easy decision for me. I don't disagree with transition and if I could see a way to make it work, I would. It's more of a posibility now than it was 6 months ago. My decision I know. I'm not putting it on anyone else. Just maybe looking for a little support from the one group of people that may understand.

This is just the reason I'm so hesitant to post. I was just questioning the route things have taken because of being online. Could I have just kept going in my ignorant bliss and managing the way I have all my life? Again people seem to take comments and run all over the place with them. I guess it could largely be me and the way I express myself or in the way I interpret others' comments.

For all of you, thank you for your support and allowing people like me the chance to try to come to grips. I love the people here or I wouldn't be here. I find comfort with your words.

Faith

[gennee]

There's nothing wrong with sharing your feelings, good or bad. We all have them. I can say that when I read posts here, whatever it is, has a help to someone.

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Hi Faith,

I love reading your posts, and I learn a lot from your insights, and opinions. You are a deep thinker, just like all of my friends. I think that you write very articulately, and relate your feelings very well. It took me a long time to finally make the decision to transition. I actually "came out" in stages. I knew of my gender issues from since I was a child, but violence against me forced me into denial. A denial that lasted decades. I really started releasing my feminine self by dropping some of the macho shields at Pagan festivals in the '90s. Then in 2001 I joined the Radical Faeries in Washington D.C. and for the first time ever in public admitting to having gender issues. Things always seemed to make it not the right time to transition. I admit that fear was a big issue. I was always afraid to lose my career, and when my career ended in 2011, well I had another obstacle. My father was struggling to make ends meet, and since I could not help anymore since becoming unemployed, I chose to cross the country, and take my aging father with me. I had to really hide things living with my father, he was not the accepting type. Everything changed for me when he passed, and I had to re-consider my options for the rest of my life. By this time I had some male pattern baldness to worry about, and it kinda broke me. In the aftermath of a well planned yet unsuccessful attempt at ending it, I decided to go ahead and transition. I had no prestigious career to lose, no father to disown me, and the Gods obviously had other plans for me. So it really did take a lot for me to actually attempt transition. I don't remember much of last year, but somehow I started, even though I have no idea where that bravery came from. YMMV, that is an absolute truth. I personally got lucky, and the Gods were with me. I seem to have come out okay, but I know the fear of it coming out otherwise was real, and not to be dismissed. Only you know when, and if you are prepared to take that risk. I was deathly afraid of looking like a guy in a dress. I was also worried about my voice, and whether I could transition while employed. Those were real concerns, and you might have similar ones yourself. No rush girl, take as much time as you need to decide, I certainly did.

hugs,

Stephanie

[Guest Faith gibson]

Thank you so much for your understanding Stephanie. There really is so much to consider. You seem to have waited for doors to open if I am reading your story correctly. I was thinking today that I may have to come clean with my wife. Not sure where that will take us. I am hoping to do it slowly instead of a big announcement. Like gosh I don't really feel like a George Clooney you know Dear. I don't know. Maybe I can just tell her a little of some of my fears. Just get it started ad see how she handles it. I'm not worried about work anymore. I think I can get over that hurdle. I do know one thing. I am me all the time now whereas in the past I thought I was stepping between persons. I now realize that I wasn't really doing that at all. It was just denial.

You are so kind I'd love to meet you . Maybe one day!

And Jody Ann, there is no way I have ever felt anything but support from you. You've been awesome!

[Guest]

Faith I admire you. I certainly agree that you feel you don't have enough time to figure out your next step so it is well to survey the lay of your life's path.

I too am one that started with baby steps, exploring all actions and the long term, short term and ripple effects.

What is so scary to me is when someone new comes to LP and their first introduction thread is "Hi I'm so and so, I did my hair, nails, got a pretty dress and went out on the town last night and I loved it! I want to be a girl too!" By the end of the very first month they are talking about a name change to a different new name several times, asking about HRT because they want to start ASAP. Then it's "I'm trying to get my surgery scheduled. "

You are not like that, you seem to be approaching with caution and thoroughness. Figuring out the want from the need, all the causes and effects. That my dear is difficult, tiring and by it's nature depressing work. Do I stop, do I go back, do I move forward, how? As we all agonize through that. I surely relate.

I tend to leave the exuberant impression that my transition causes me to be so happy I do cart wheels. I pray I don't do a disservice to the lightning quick transioners. I preach so long here that the correct preliminary steps are to learn everything we can about all things female from tween years to old age if we think we have an underlying and overwhelming need to pursue our gender.

I know you will find your correct answers within you over time, we are just a loving human tool eager to share knowledge and support along the way. It still required to put us through the filters as you have been. I hope your blue feelings can lift soon. Hug. JodyAnn