An inventory of one-self.

[Guest Naatie]

It's odd really.

I'm gifted (not to be mistaken for high-intelligent). This made me reach out to great minds though and whilst I couldn't relate to them per se I did have fruitful debate about gender being a construct. Asynchronous development is often seen in gifted individuals and i've come to the conclusion that this is seen both in intelligence and emotion (gender). It's not binary. I'm also a transhumanist. Whether it's we transcend our gender or we transcend our own bodies. I am all for it, why does the world oppose growth and evolvement of humanity?

if anything if you are having troubles in your transitioning I suggest you read up on Stephanie Tolan & Dabrowski's Theory of Positive Disintegration. Especially parents, also.

Like why can't I choose something inbetween? I think by just wearing a few pieces of apparel I could keep the dysphoria at bay... But that's not possible without confidence in this society.

Forgive my testosterone-adled brain for the following, please do. This is a part of me that I have been mis-aligning and supressing for the past decade and whilst I matured and grew up, my emotions are still much the same as they were back when I was a child. If that makes sense...

I did full transformations when I was a child aged 6-12 but back then it was kind of cute you know, seeing a kid play dress up, you wouldn't think anything wrong of it. In first grade (age 6-7) I went for a blonde wig along with the complete outfit but I was also a pretty smart child so my friend group was three years older (10). I entered the school and nobody recognized me, that is the most happy moment in my life and also the saddest. Someone ended up recognizing me and whilst most of my peers found it funny one of them ended up bullying me. I cried and all my mascara ran out, blah... My 'girlfriend' at the time was very understanding and comforted me so I had the courage to go back out there.

Then puberty happened and I got so confused. I started growing my hair out, trying out different hairstyles and combing, straightening and applying products to keep it healthy and shiny, wearing pantyhose underneath female jeans, sometimes applying tidbits of mascara (I have natural long lashes), going for female scarfs when I walked the city, wearing jewelry underneath my shirts. Gazing at clothing with other girls online and discussing the latest fashion, despite my fastly-growing feet and my mothers heels already never fitting anymore I kept trying to wear them to no avail. (12-17)

I am an avid gamer and would frequently roleplay as girl in games, i'd play or lie to people and say I was "sister" of "the guy who owned the account". It wasn't untill I told people online that I was male that they realized that. Everybody thought I was female off the bat. How can people know that from text... ?

Other girls just thought I were interested in them; i've had three girlfriends.

Looking back at it I coerced them psychologically into dressing me up... Like i'd drop little pointers: hey you should totally apply that lipgloss (hahaha!), ohhh yes lets go for tutu-shopping, i'd pick out dresses for them in somewhat unique styles and they all ended up allowing me or pushing me to wear them, well I made them. It made me happy, and we got along very well too. They all described the relationship as moreso being in touch with a girlfriend of theirs. I loved them dearly.

I suppose I should've realized there was something off when the last girlfriend (a very intelligent woman, I add) made me/allowed me/I convinced her I wanted to wear this Victorian style black/pink dress and I refused to take it off when she asked. I couldn't, it felt right and I sat there completely frozen, we even had a little photoshoot.

Shortly thereafter, aged 15 at the time we ended up kissing and I noticed this was leading to something that just didn't feel right. You can guess it. This should have been another pointer because I just made up excuses everytime it got to that point or just went up and left. Most boys start at that age or earlier.

I hadn't even thought of the concept yet.

I was still very occupied with conflicting fantasies from a POV as if I were a girl. I think.

Poor girl. She must have felt so bad about herself.

I did a sport where both boys and girls play together and the rules for attacker/defender are based on gender... Sometimes when we didn't have enough girls to fill a spot, i'd volunteer to wear a skirt. I remember one time, very early(age), we ended up a game and went to shower and we always collected all our clothing and then we'd go knock on the girlsroom to go ask for theirs so we could bring it to our parents. One day the girls just wouldn't come out and we had waited for over a hour outside of the door, knocking, yelling. One boy jokingly said I should go in and collect them.

That sounded like the logical thing to do for me so I went in, face down, eyes down, blushing red because whilst it felt natural I also knew something was terribly wrong. Collected the clothing and went out. I didn't look at any of the girls.

Our trainer and also father of two girls in the lockerroom obviously was steaming. I couldn't understand his anger but being beaten by my stepfather I recognized the true anger. I didn't know why exactly but I knew I did something wrong. I tried to tell him that I hadn't looked at anyone and in my mind collecting that clothing was so important. The anger in his eyes made me cry that night.

Years pass and we become a very good group. We take on other teams way above our level just because we have so much fun. Eventually we end up number one on a championship and I have my first experience with alcohol. My father is an alcoholic so I always said I would never drink.

We had a bit of champagne immediately after we won, my blood was still pumping so the alcohol did it's work quikly and effectively.

My last girlfriend was there at the time too and I don't know how it happened but with my inhibitions lowered and in spirit of victory I ended up holding her handbag and it triggered something. Just strutting around with it acting fem. I still get embarassed when I think about it, everybody's parents were there, except mine ;p.

I chose the word gynandrous because it's a synonym to androgynous but gyn- meaning fem, in Latin. I suppose I lean more towards (S)he. If I were to scale gender from (male) 0 - 100 (female) i'd pick 80. Whether the other 20 percent is male or rather the genitalia, hormones, my cultural upbringing, the societal pressure, the all-male friend circles I can't really tell you, I don't know.

Ever since wearing that dress i've been holding up the facade to myself that I must be a transvestite, seeing how I registered here 6 years ago at age 16 that is right around the time it happened . Getting unusually excited/jealous at the sight of women and their clothing I felt the more scientific approach from this http://www.catherinel.tvheaven.com/custom.html in tune with my experiences. Yet some things still ring particullary untrue, or are missing. I actively went against searching for information revolving transgender.

"The picture I paint of the causes of transvestitism shows the transvestite as a man afflicted with a genetic abnormality. It is by no means a positive lifestyle choice. The transvestite is driven by urges he cannot control and doesn't want, to behave in ways which normal people will naturally find abhorrent. The transvestite is the victim of an affliction that sets him apart from his fellow men and from women."

I tend to not have these urges and prefer to just bask in the moment. They are one of the few moments in life I am truely calm. For the longest of times i'd go to sleep in pantyhose and skirt since I have severe insomnia up to the point i'm awake all night, it'd help me sleep. Up to the point I was afraid of being found with those on in the morning.

So seeing how i'd been secretly dressing up at night two months or so back and becoming increasingly more careless about it. I left pieces around my room, didn't really care anymore about hiding them up untill a month back where I wallowed in shame and embarassment and decided to purge it all.

That wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. I walked around the city all day with the clothing in my backpack but couldn't part with it for atleast a week, every trashcan I passed I couldn't do it. It was becoming a part of me I truely liked since spouts of angers and agressiveness have increased the past years, dressing in attire makes me serene and in turn makes me re-think about all the things i've become angry about, even passing that anger down onto friends and family. I often tell myself this must be testosterone wreaking havoc. Always when I do this I wish I could talk to my parents or sister. As if that side of myself could convey the right words and thoughts.

My stepfather vigorously checks up on my room. I think I became careless is because besides the physical abuse i've been through I also feel emotionally and psychologically broken because of this lack of privacy and intrusiveness; So last week he came asking me why I was so depressed (read former sentence). This man has a very rigid pattern of thought but I understand his defensiveness, an adult male 'borrowing' pieces of clothing from his sister must imbue a parent with anger. Seeing how most males are very sexual beings.

I'm not.

but I couldn't tell him straight to his face I have no interest, he wouldn't understand it. It's very much "Tree, white picket fence, children" kind of type.

I can't go against natures ways and innate drives but really months pass without me even thinking about it up untill the point I wake up in the morning. Our biology only allows so much excess... I am very small by nature, in a way you could say it resembles something else. I think it's cute. Apparently to fall under the transgender condition one must have the need for other genitalia for their "true gender". i'm not really fond of breasts although i'd like an A cup and I don't think I need vaginoplasty per sé. Seeing how I don't use anything it might aswell be gone though... Yet that is also a freightening thought; having nothing down there. Whilst wearing a gaff I feel so liberated though...

He told me my biggest fears, thoughts which have been concocting lately and are now confirmed by his vehement male psyche: my constant fear of exposal, which he did. My anxiety of social interactions for holding up this act of manhood, my stern belief that I am prejudiced for the way I look, walk, talk and live. My fear of those around me leaving me behind for my choices. Basically every fear I had revolving what it means to be transgender became reality. We didn't directly talk about any clothing and he couldn't wrap his head around it so it ended with him closing down and saying we both shouldn't feel embarassed.

That broke me ofcourse.

My brothers both are addicts, you could say it's in our genes so it was entirely too easy to also fall into that pattern. Whilst drug addicts are also a minority in our society it is an existence much easier to cope with then trying to bear the consequence of transitioning. No, I am saying that wrong. Transition would be inherently beautiful.

The imminent result not so much... I think it will be very difficult. Even if I got to the point of therapy/HRT I find it difficult to believe I could attain becoming female. I think there is more to it then having surgery but I do think hormones could help a lot.

I'm 22 now. Sadly i've already been signed with many masculine features although I could consider myself lucky, i've never had much growth (down under), all my body hair still looks white and small but i've been developing chest hair lately. *sobs*. I can't look in mirrors anymore.

But you see at this age despite relating to females, I wish I could have children but I don't believe I could raise them properly. Staying male and finding a wife and saddling her with my problems 20-30 years after seems a prominent event for many TG from the readings i've done. For this I choose to stay alone.

Also the human body is in full growth up untill age 25-30 so I am near completing my cycle. I think I have grown into being a male for too long now to still believe it's possible to be female. What does that even mean?

It's not like the hormones and surgery can undo the damage.

What scares me even more with this... coming out of sorts is the possible consequence of upsetting some people here. Falling under "Not TG enough" or worse actual females/FTM discarding my girlyness seeing as it seems a personality construct aswell. Some females i've met in my life were like this, others weren't but then again i've met a wide variety on the spectrum. What i'm trying to convey here is I don't even buy it myself that I could be this GirlyGirly whilst some other true females don't exacerbate such behaviour.

Like this woman my brother used to date. She's quite dominant, earnest and vocal in her doing, you could say she was more man then I ever was, I was always intimidated by her.

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I'm going to end the comprehensive history here and end up with a followup.

I am an adult now. What will I do next?

I've played with the thought of going to a professional studio and having a complete makeover to see if it's possible I could be a girl. I'm too afraid i'll get excited, I really don't want that, i'd be ashamed. I've dabbled in other forums in search of medication to counter that possibility but to no avail.

My early twenties seems also the end of being able to use the word "cute" to assign to myself. I thought about perhaps dressing up once, twice a year to keep the depression at bay but i've been addicted to a wide variety of substances so i'm able to tell that that will only grow becoming more and more.

I could go into therapy but it's simply not possible coming out to my family, friends and enviroment.

I could give up on all this and find myself in the military or in construction and embrace the male drive. I think if I will get muscular i'd end up hating myself even more though.

Do I want to be attractive? Not neccesarily, In my own vanity, I do want to feel happy and 'true'.

Do I feel a need to pass? Not really but a part of Gender expression is how one is perceived and being shunned by society (whilst we are social creatures) is basically the deathnote.

Thank you, I hope I didnt step on some toes. If you recognize anything feel free to share it (n˘v˘•)¬

Edited June 12, 2015 by Naatie
Links to Youtube deleted - videos not TG related, per Rule 26

[Guest Naatie]

Ello, I made a second entry somewhere else because this one was written a bit earlier.

Could I edit it, please?

Or send you the format.

Domo arigato ;$

[Carolyn Marie]

You can send your edits to any Moderator or Admin, with a link to the post you wish edited, and we'll take care of it for you.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Naatie]

Well this is a first O.o

I don't seem to be able to PM anyone .

I'd have this moved to the introductions forum itself, preferably.

If I get to figuring out the PM function i'll send you the finished draft.

Thank you all for your hard work.

[Guest Naatie]

Thanks for having me. If you could edit this out, these were things that had to be said.

My mind just couldn't acknowledge it yet.

I'm trans and so be it

i've been bettering myself and my life ever since realizing it. I take care of my body again.

Transition will be hard and I still am very uncertain but I feel it's something I have to do or I will forever regret it.

It's nolonger in the lines of "Do I want to be a woman"? but moreso "I should've always been..." . For every problem it fixes two new one arise by being transgender in a society stern on it's values catalogued in feminine/masculine.

Perhaps the gender construct hurts me even more then my body does.

It's concerning how a lot of people have the need for stealth but I see why.