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Guest Raya

Today I want to live- new to me

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Guest Raya

I had a revelation the other day- I am actually looking forward to living, instead of just plodding along, trudging the road of destiny. Didn't know where to post, so I wrote this. Enjoy.

Yesterday

I had a thought

That took my breath away

I thought I want to live a while

I'm puzzled and amazed

Today I want to live a while

Why is this new to me?

The man I was, ok with death

Was tired, worn and wild

The gal within, the vision seen,

Is pushing me to be

Around a while, and whole, complete

And then we'll get to see

Tomorrow

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Charlize

Thank you for sharing your poem.

I must admit that living as myself has made my life at 67 better than it has ever been.

Hugs,

Charlize

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Cyndee

Life is for living

Be free, be you, be happy

C -

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Guest Charlotte J.

Love this. :)

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Guest Raya

Thank you for reading. ;)

It seems I need feedback to know if I'm just being "off" again. I get that sometimes. Now I'm not too scared to put it out there for others to see. You all are such a blessing to be around.

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selth

Jaded, Worn, Tired, Let Down
Tomorrow will be another chore
Why can't I be happy, like I was before?
Cycling home from school, imagining myself in a gown?

Success, Triumph, Perseverance, Strong
Finishing last week was a chore
They should be part of me, why are they a bore?
I'm looking for something, what makes it all feel wrong?

Happiness, Acceptance, Pleasure, Thrill
For ages they felt like another chore
I've been reaching out to them, where's my core?
Now we're running to find them all, maybe without a kill?

---

You're not off, you are spot on. It describes exactly where I was a month ago.

My attempt at poetry is what bubbled to the surface after reading your work, it struck a chord :D

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Guest Raya

Thank you, selth, and welcome to

the playground, where it's true

we hope to see you here more

and read more words from you

I'd take the time to add some rhyme

but no, it would not do

the mods would sue, and I would too

To read this verse of goo

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    • shelly_koleva83
      I started to read it with my mind set on masochistic mode and the forewords were totally transphobic and filed with lies.    The first chapter was actually really intriguing with that research of prehistoric matriarchat and it real role of build up of the society.   Now I am reading the second chapter and it's kind of intense and I am waiting for the 'rabbit/transphobia/ to jump out of the hat'.    Have any of you read the book and your thoughts about it? 
    • A. Dillon
      For me, this is my sister. She is very involved in the community, and is gay herself, so she kind of goes beast mode whenever she thinks that someone is being discriminatory. I appreciated the support when my dad said that I was not his son, and that I was always going to be his daughter, but I just end up feeling bad. I mean, he just doesn't really know what he is saying yet.   Also, I do really want to transition soon, and am super excited for the changes that will come with that. My parent said I will have to wait until I leave the house, but I am going to a gender therapist soon, so maybe I can get them to change their minds if they see how serious this is. Will update!
    • Jackie C.
      That's, yeah, pretty typical in a lot of the US. There aren't education programs and ... well, going through school, peer pressure, etc... isn't the greatest time of your life to start with. Add being trans to that and it's a total nightmare. On the plus side, if you do decide to transition, T is a really powerful thing. Inside a year people won't be able to tell you'd ever been feminine so long as you're wearing pants. E takes longer and I've still got hips like a snake. 😋   I get the resistance thing too. I had a set-back that looked like I wouldn't be able to afford GCS. I had never been that broken before. I did, however, learn that I can cry so hard that no sound comes out. I completely freaked out my wife. She postponed a trip to see her dad just to make sure I didn't do something stupid in the heat of the moment. That was probably the right call.   So yeah, what I was actually getting at. Coming out is hard as first, but it gets a little easier every time you do it. There's no timetable though (well, maybe a hard limit if you're on HRT and start growing a beard). Come out at your own pace and when you're ready. No pressure. I'm not especially strict about my pronouns either. It takes time for people to form new habits. If they're trying, that's enough for me. Also, it's hilarious to see them apologizing all over themselves when they get it wrong. I figure that accidents happen (unless I'm wearing something that loudly proclaims "This is a woman, stop it."), all you can do is roll with it if you want to remain friends. I have had other friends jump on a stranger for misgendering me though. I actually felt bad about that. It bothered them more than it did me. If your friends might do something similar, you might want to let them know in advance that they shouldn't.   Hugs!    
    • Jackie C.
      Spoken like someone who's never had to mother one of those damn reel-to-reel drives through just ONE more backup. Seriously, they were so old the rubber hoses could SHATTER if you accidentally poked one. Backups took about 100 tapes which were then stored offsite (not an exaggeration, unfortunately). The system was actually installed in 1973 along with my direct supervisor. I was working on it in the early 90's. It still worked better than the UNIX based system they replaced it with. I imagine I should have been grateful for the workout though. Those boxes were heavy and you needed to hustle if you wanted to get everything done on time.   Just be careful with that. A dear friend of mine got kicked out when she was 16. Even in the 80's ... god I'm old ... she was working four jobs and going to high school to pay for a crappy apartment where she could live illegally. I say even in the 80's because jobs paid better then. The last time I saw her, she was a stripper (and had straightened and bleached her hair which, in my opinion, was a much greater sin) and using it to work her way through community college. I guess I'm saying build connections with people who want you around. You're going to want roommates.   I'm glad they're looking after your sister at least. It would be nice if they could at least be civil to all their children, but... No, I'm going to go off on a rant. That won't help. Seriously, I wish I could do something from here. Try to take care of yourself in the meantime. At least your "parents" aren't forever.   Hugs!
    • Aidan5
      thats really cool haha!   I can't cuch surf, I really don't know anyone here and my parents would never allow it  And I am glad for the "18 and out" policy with them, not like I will be staying with them.    I would really rather she stays with my parents, because they treat her well, it's only me that they make suffer haha. She was a drug baby, (Her parents were terrible people, my aunt and uncle are her biological parents) She was addicted to drugs when she was born but now is drug free. She is really difficult, but we love her. She is attached to the family, it would only create problems for her.
    • pauline
      thankyou all for your kind comments, I really am at the infant stage of dressing but learning day by day what works for me and what doesn't, make up on its way(hurry up mr postman lol) then it will be lots of practising (and face wipes) so I can start to look how I really want
    • A. Dillon
      Yeah, I can feel that, and really hope that you are able to come out fully soon. When I realized that I was trans, while my understanding of myself improved, everything else got worse. I knew I was supposed to be born a boy, spent years just waiting and praying for the testosterone to kick in. Eventually, I just thought that maybe I had just failed at something, and should just end it. Maybe then I could be reborn, and be a boy in that life. I seriously got into theology, and when I came to my own personal conclusion that I did not believe in a god, I decided that I had no option but to face what i was dealt. I then spent 3 more years in the closet, still struggling to come to terms with it. Now that I know who I am and who I can become, I feel this constant pressure to move toward my goal, and resistance can be very hard for me to deal with, so I can only imagine how hard this is for you. I am trying my best to gain some confidence, and I am getting there.   In the meantime, thank you for your advice, and may you have only the best during your transition.
    • Jackie C.
      Laptops? In my day we had to chisel our messages on stone tablets. For e-mail, we had to throw our tablets at each other. We lost a lot of kids that way. 😋   Not a COMPLETE exaggeration. I learned to code on a Commodore Vic-20. They hooked up to the TV like a game console. In my senior year, I took a COBOL/RPG II course where we worked on an IBM System 36. That's an early mainframe. It didn't take the WHOLE room. Only about half. My first computer job was babysitting all-night batch jobs running on a set of three DEC VAX mainframes. Each of those was easily over 500 pounds. Those reel-to-reel tapes you see in old science fiction movies? Totally used those. We even had the "Wall of lights that are blinking for no reason." At least I'm to young to have ever used punch-cards. 😉   Can you couch surf for a bit or are your "parents" stuck on doing the Cinder-fella thing to you? I know with some people like that it's more about causing suffering than actually finding any kind of solution. I'm also going to hazard a guess and say they're threatening an "eighteen and out" policy?   It absolutely sucks that you're in this situation right now, but I think it's noble that you're willing to tough it out so you can be a good big brother to your little sis'. Not that it's especially helpful. I'm not familiar with resources in Washington State. Can your school counselor suggest a course of action that protects you both?   Hang in there sweetie. We still love you.   Hugs!
    • Aidan5
      I wish I could spend time with my friends, though I have no way to reach out to them since they took my phone, I am on my school laptop haha. I just have to bear with my parents because if I report anything, my little sister will be sent off to foster care and I wouldn't be able to live with myself after that.
    • Charlize
      Welcome Pauline. Glad you've joined us. Enjoy yourself.   Hugs,   Charlize
    • Jackie C.
      Don't... just don't do that. It's like when a movie villain turns into a snake. It never helps.     Um, while I don't know the specifics, that sounds like abuse to me. That's not something families do to each other. That's not actually a thing that PEOPLE should do to each other.     Yeah, that sounds like depression symptoms. Not that there's anything wrong with being down. In your situation Mary frikken Poppins would be ... no, self-censoring that joke. Inappropriate. I must be maturing. Drat.   I really just want to give you a hug sweetie. Nobody should have to deal with that kind of mess. Spend some time around friends if you can. You shouldn't be alone when you're in this state.   Hugs!
    • Charlize
      I'm sorry things seem so gloomy for you today.  Please remember tomorrow may well be different.  life has a way of smoothing out with time.  Hang in there.  You"re not alone.   Hugs,   Charlize
    • TammyAnne
      Hello Pauline. Welcome to TransPulse! Thank you for sharing. I hope you'll find plenty of support and answers here. It's really been a good place for me.
    • Belle
      Just your description of the book sounds like I would relate. I want to read it now. 
    • Alice K
      Hi Pauline and welcome!   It's great to hear you're having such a liberating time. I live with a person I haven't come out to yet, so I only get to dress as myself in the deep dark of night, when they're asleep. But you're right that it's a wonderful feeling. Glad you're enjoying yourself
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