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Guest Raya

Today I want to live- new to me

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Guest Raya

I had a revelation the other day- I am actually looking forward to living, instead of just plodding along, trudging the road of destiny. Didn't know where to post, so I wrote this. Enjoy.


I had a thought

That took my breath away

I thought I want to live a while

I'm puzzled and amazed

Today I want to live a while

Why is this new to me?

The man I was, ok with death

Was tired, worn and wild

The gal within, the vision seen,

Is pushing me to be

Around a while, and whole, complete

And then we'll get to see


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Thank you for sharing your poem.

I must admit that living as myself has made my life at 67 better than it has ever been.



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Life is for living

Be free, be you, be happy

C -

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Guest Charlotte J.

Love this. :)

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Guest Raya

Thank you for reading. ;)

It seems I need feedback to know if I'm just being "off" again. I get that sometimes. Now I'm not too scared to put it out there for others to see. You all are such a blessing to be around.

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Jaded, Worn, Tired, Let Down
Tomorrow will be another chore
Why can't I be happy, like I was before?
Cycling home from school, imagining myself in a gown?

Success, Triumph, Perseverance, Strong
Finishing last week was a chore
They should be part of me, why are they a bore?
I'm looking for something, what makes it all feel wrong?

Happiness, Acceptance, Pleasure, Thrill
For ages they felt like another chore
I've been reaching out to them, where's my core?
Now we're running to find them all, maybe without a kill?


You're not off, you are spot on. It describes exactly where I was a month ago.

My attempt at poetry is what bubbled to the surface after reading your work, it struck a chord :D

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Guest Raya

Thank you, selth, and welcome to

the playground, where it's true

we hope to see you here more

and read more words from you

I'd take the time to add some rhyme

but no, it would not do

the mods would sue, and I would too

To read this verse of goo

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    • ShawnaLeigh
      Welcome Jen!   You definitely found a good place to learn about yourself and ask as many questions as you like.  Read what others have gone through too.  I guarantee you are not alone in how you feel.  I look forward to reading more about you.   ❤️  
    • ShawnaLeigh
      Agreed. I have got to see this glam girl when she is all dressed up.  It sounds like a wonderful time and I can definitely see you are excited about the outfit.   I look forward to feeling this way.   ❤️
    • Sally Stone
      Ladies,   I'd like nothing more than to provide images, but I have always been a little timid when it comes to posting them online.  That's not to say I've never done it, in fact, there are a couple of bio photos out there that accompany some of my online articles.  Still, I'm cautious about letting go of an image online.  I actually waffled a lot before I chose a selfie for my my avatar.  So, all I can say, is we will have to see.   Hugs,   Sally
    • ShawnaLeigh
      Ok. Never mind.  I am having body and face disgust day today. It has been pretty bad  all week for me with hating aspects of my male body and face. Mostly hairiness but also I am not seeing the girl in the mirror anymore.  I hate myself lately.  Well hate is not the right word but close.  I know E can make me a bit over sensitive too so maybe it’s a combination of a few things.   Tonight I am feeling really upset over it but probably a few other things too.  Memories of terrible times and things that have happened to me that I have been reminded of by reading other people’s posts.  Things I’d rather not relive.   I am just going to bed and try to sleep.  Maybe it will be better tomorrow.  
    • TammyAnne
      That's a valid "nag" though. Looking forward to seeing your outfit Sally!
    • ShawnaLeigh
      So since I have been on E It has been wonderful. I feel a calm and feel that day by day I am moving closer to being me on the outside.  I am truly happy about this.  Tonight I’m at a really low.  I have no reason for this.  My wife is even trying to cheer me up.   I really don’t know why I feel so down.   Is this a side effect of E?
    • VickySGV
      The actual term Dysphoria  is two words together that mean "Terrible Burden" and your wife is making it such by being unaccepting and punishing you for it.  I agree that the anxiety about going out is a terrible experience, but the burden is when you cannot function in ways that seem right and fitted for you.  It may not be wearing lacy undies that will lift the burden for you.  Being able to hold and softly comfort a person who hurts is closer to what will help it.  Busting a TV and not watching a grueling boxing match may help it.  Writing about the deep feelings you have that are dismissed as being "unmanly" and putting the diary under lock and key may lift a part of it as well.  It is the locking away of your heart that is the greatest and most terrible burden there is.  OK little different view, but there you go.  A meme that an IRL friend put on her web site, says "I can teach you what Gender Dysphoria IS, but I can't teach you how to understand it.  
    • ShawnaLeigh
      This I agree with.  My heart breaks for you on this point.  She understands but still says you can’t do this or that? Ummm.  Not really her choice.  Then I see you bending over backwards to accommodate this behavior.  Not fair to you at minimum.  Just out n out wrong on her part.  Sweetie, I did this for decades and I had a pretty bad mental breakdown. One that scared me so much.  I felt death was better.  I felt I had no choice.  Regardless of who said what.  I had to do this transition.  Please don’t let it go that far for you.   But thats what happened to me. You have the power to decide for yourself.  I understand it’s your wife and possibly your marriage at stake.  Would your life be valued any less then those?  No.  They are all equal.  Or should be.  Why do you have to suffer for others? Im sorry hon.  It just makes me angry to see you suffer.  ❤️❤️❤️
    • Belle
      I don't hate my body parts. But there has never been a point in my life where I would not have instantly said yes if God had come down and told me He would make me female if I wanted it. If given the choice there's no question.   As I have processed my gender identity over the last month or so I have started recalling a lot of feelings and behaviors I had suppressed that are very clearly feminine. I remember doing so because I was afraid of being seen as feminine. I never had the concept that it was possible to not be male because I had boy parts. But I would pray so fervently to God to make me female, knowing in my mind it was impossible and ridiculous of me to ask.   But I'm not "in touch" with specific feelings that tell me I'm not "in the right skin." I do know that while I was using herbal methods my chest started to grow, my body odor became distinctly feminine, and I had an abundance of peace, and even joy. And when faced with the idea that I might not be able to resume, or even express myself at all, I get seriously depressed.   Any thoughts? Is this not GD?
    • ShawnaLeigh
      Whoa.  That’s helpful thank you!
    • Jackie C.
      Nah, being afraid to go out in public is anxiety. That goes away when you do it a couple of times and you realize that the world doesn't end. It's perfectly normal to be nervous at first though. A friend of mine compared us to vampires when we're first coming out: It's only at night and we shy away from bright lights. Of course I don't live in Texas.   The dysphoria is the feeling that your body is wrong somehow. Where your skin doesn't quite fit right because you know, in your heart of hearts, it should be something else. The gender tag means that the feeling is attached to your gender.   If you want more of a textbook definition, we can do that too:   Gender dysphoria is a condition where a person experiences discomfort or distress because there's a mismatch between their biological sex and gender identity. It's sometimes known as gender incongruence. Biological sex is assigned at birth, depending on the appearance of the genitals.   I tend to embellish. I like my writing to feel more visceral.   I can also say that your wife knows not of what she speaks. That's typical, cis people don't feel gender dysphoria. They often have a hard time wrapping their head around it. I advocate doing what you need to do. I tried to suppress my dysphoria for years and it resulted in the sort of depression where you're one good opportunity away from ending your own life. You probably don't want that. Hopefully, neither does she. She'd probably benefit from talking to a gender therapist who could set her straight. She obviously doesn't get it.
    • Astrid
      Gender dysphoria, as defined by Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker in  "How to Understand Your Gender", pp. 178-179:   ...you may have experienced moments of feeling a complete lack of fit between your body and yourself, almost as if you and your body, or parts of it, are complete strangers to each other. These moments might also be lasting, or come and go in different situations... They can be moments of gender dissonance, sometimes also called 'dysphoria' by health professionals. Our bodies are not how they were meant to be; there is a disconnect. Some of you might also have experienced not perceiving yourself as others do. For example, .... you might feel revolted by parts of your body. ...they might be connectioned with dysphoria around our gender identities, that is, feeling that parts of us do not fit with who we are gender-wise.     That sounds so controlling in a negative way.  There is no compromise on her part to be of help to you when you're in need. Not a happy place.   Hugs,   Astrid
    • Jackie C.
      It's OK Vicky, we still love you.   Hugs!
    • Belle
      Since I am still new to all of this I have been struggling to understand the boundaries of the term gender dysphoria. For instance, when we are scared to go out in public due to safety concerns, is that gender dysphoria or something else?   Today my wife told me she knows the dysphoria is real but she does not want me to act on it in any way, not even wearing underwear no one would notice, and not even crossing my legs a little differently when I sit. The intense sadness I felt when she said that came from the fact that I knew it meant I have to pretend to be something I'm not. I have to deny who I am inside. It is so yuck to have to refrain from integrity.   Anyways, I think that's textbook gender dysphoria. Please correct me if I'm wrong.   ❤️ Belle
    • VickySGV
      ADMIN NAG here recommends that you load the pictures into your gallery here and link them to your posts instead of putting them in the posts.  Our galleries are only visible to members, but the forums are visible to the public who cannot follow the links in and clone the pictures.  Start your Gallery through the "Create" icon to the left of your profile icon.  It is much easier now than when I had less than 200 posts.
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