I thought I had myself figured out...but I don't

[Guest]

I can relate to so many of the stories posted on this website. And just when I think I know who or what I am, something in my head switches and I am back in the land of confusion.

How can it be that I can feel like a female and a male at the same time? Is my male side trying to hold on and just bury the female back inside like it has done for over 40 years? Is my female side trying to finally break out and stay out for good? What is happenning to me?

I know there are probably others on here that have felt the same way. How do you deal with all these conflicting feelings? I am so worried that I might end up blowing some knid of mental fuse and find myself in a padded cell. I'm trying to keep my sanity, but that doesn't seem to be that easy.

I would really appreciate any comments any of you may have that could guide me in the right direction.

Thank you for your time.

Jayne

[Guest Lara-Saphire]

Hi Jayne , well sounds like I'm kinda in the same boat as you. I have two side of me each wanting a piece of the action.

For me the answer just seems to be if you can't beet m join m, Ha Ha Ha so I just get up every day and let them both loose .

Well Kinda Don't really feel like I can go out openly as Lara my feminine self yet , so I dress myself as both and head out to work!

Male on the outside female on the inside . I just feel right about myself this way, at least for now. Acceptance started for me when I admitted I was the way I am and understanding what that admission means for me has come from reading and learning I'm not so strange at least here at Laura's I can fit in. Reading the stories here on this site have helped and sharing what I feel has quieted these conflicting feelings I have too and helped keep me out of that padded cell you speak of . Keep reading , and I'm sure others will share what they can to help!

I found the section on spiritually two spirits and Androgyny help me find the right answer for me. Maybe there is something there to help you no where your heart lies

Thanks for sharing !

Hugs

Lara

[Guest Christina200]

Hi Jayne or should it be Sheila looking at the flag!

One thing is for sure - if you've been having feelings of wanting to be female for 40 years they're not going to go away now. Same thing happened to me. I took the plunge about 8 months ago and stopped trying to fight it any more.

I spent a lot of time investigating how to transition, what it meant and coming to terms with myself over what I wanted to do. The thing that swung it for me was that I would absolutely hate myself if I was lying in hospital about to die and I had never done what I really wanted all my life which was to become a woman. After that I went full swing into it and I haven't looked back since. It was the best decision I've ever made and I'm loving my life.

There is a lot of stuff on the web about transitioning including some great youtube videos.

Why don't you initialy spend some time investigating transitioning by surfing the web including how it's done in Oz?

If you want to ask me anything I'm more than happy to talk about every part of my transitioning - maybe too much since it sometimes gets me into trouble!

Chrissy x

[Guest Raya]

Oh, Jayne, I feel ya, it's making my head hurt thinking about all the thinking about I did in the land of confusion. I wandered lost in that desert for 40 years, kinda like the Israelites I guess.

Let me say that both is ok, you need the fit that works for you. I am going for femme, whether because it's easier to just stay in that presentation, or it was suppressed too long, I don't care- it feels right to me. I've met people who present as both, as it suits them, and they seem happy. I'm a little envious of their flexibility.

The best thing I did was to break out of the merry go round inside my head, and process my thoughts and feelings with other people.

[Charlize]

Jayne we all have times of doubt and confusion. I know i do. 63 years of living as a man and clear physical evidence down below do make a girl wonder. At some point i made a decision to transition. I'm glad of it. I feel better about myself than i ever have and for the most part am at peace with this whole being regardless of gender. If i simply think of how i felt before transition, in the times when it was back and forth, and how i feel now......It is night and day. That helps me get through the doubts. The folks here help as well not to mention the time i spent with my GT going over a lifetime of feelings.

I'm afraid doubts are almost to be expected. It gets better with time and we just start to live as ourselves.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest]

Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts with me. Simply knowing that I'm not the only one who is going through this is helpful in itself. I know seeing a therapist would help me. I finally worked up the courage to make an appointment with someone. The earliest I could get was next Thursday. However due to an unexpected work commitment that popped up, I've had to reschedule the therapist for the following week.

Until then, I will be relying on this website to help keep me sane. Thank you all again for being there. And please keep the posts coming, they really do help.

I hope someday I will be in a more stable place (mentally) so that I can help others on here.

Hugs

Jayne

[MarcieMarie12]

I'm in the same boat as well. Just told my wife a couple of days ago--long story short I was not ready for that conversation, but I was also not able to keep it from her any longer. She's not taking it well, nor am I. Part of her issue is that she doesn't understand the gender confusion I have. Am I a crossdresser? Yes--that is for certain. Am I more? A yes to that second question scares us both.

Hugs,

Marcie

[Guest]

Hi Marcie,

I hope that you can find the right answer for you to be happy. When I woke up this morning, I managed to convince myself that I indeed was a male, and whatever had been going on in my head was some kind of weird fantasy. Well, that lasted about 30 minutes. Now I am dressed in ladies clothing thinking that this is the real me. I certainly do not understand the gender confusion either, and I don't even know how to begin to explain to anybody that hasn't experienced it themselves. I have never really fully crossdressed, with wig and makeup and so on. It is something I would like to do, but I am too afraid to actually do it. It would mean admitting to myself that whatever is going on in my head, is out of my control. I am scared that I might truly be transgendered and what that will mean for the rest of my life. It seems easier to crawl back into my little closet and pretend I am just a "normal" guy, except over the last few weeks, I have come to semi-accept myself and I don't want to lie to myself anymore.

I don't know if any of what I just wrote made any sense. It all kind of comes back to this gender confusion. 2 sides of me trying to come out at the same time. I am hoping that when I can finally find a therapist (having a bit of trouble getting in to see someone at the moment), I can be "cured" of this business going on in my head. But reading other peoples stories, that doesn't seem to be possible. I might just have to accept myself the way I am and just live life and try to enjoy it as it unfolds. It is very scary, but also a little bit exciting not knowing what the future may hold.

Best Wishes

Jayne

[MarcieMarie12]

Hey Jayne, were both in the same boat--and. I've just started therapy, but the way I look at it is the therapist is there to guide you to your answers, not answer them for you. Even if I am somewhat dysphoric, I am certainly not hating my male parts (body hair and beard being the exception) to the degree that it causes me ovewhelming discomfort. I'm guessing the crossdressing relieves it some. My point being, I'd be more unhappy at losing my wife than not transitioning--if I'd even consider it rather than fantasize about it.

[Guest]

Hi MarcieMarie, I would also be more unhappy losing my wife than not transitioning. I don't know what the right solution would be for me. I don't even really understand what I am. I have been trying to get in to see a therapist. I was very surprised at how long the waiting lists can be. I am currently on a 3 month waiting list to see a gender therapist. In the meantime I am trying to get in to see another therapist (not gender specific). I have been exchanging emails with a therapist local to me. She has been very helpful in trying to help me find someone. She also has a waitlist, but it is much shorter, so hopefully I can get in to see her soon. I am very worried about what I am putting my wife through. She is supportive of me, but she is asking "why do I want to be a girl". I hate that I am doing this to her. It makes me feel really selfish.

Jayne

[Charlize]

My therapist helped me a great deal with that feeling of selfishness when honesty was the issue. I didn't want to own my issues and admit them not only to my wife but to myself. We all find peace in various ways but for me honesty was the biggest step and the hardest one to make. I hope you find some relief in opening up to a therapist. I seemed to wait forever but when i got there the floodgates opened.

Patience is a virtue...... I just wish i could get it quicker.

Hugs,

Charlize

[CiCi_73]

Hi Jayne, hi Marcie,

You both just told my story as well. I just told my wife a week ago. It has been such a roller coaster since. Some days I can see the hurt and confusion on her face so plainly. Other days she seems to be taking it well. I also don't want to lose what we have, but I also can't promise her (yet) that I know where this is all going. I also have been really angry at myself for the pain I've caused her. She said it herself, "I thought I'd married a man." I didn't know any better then. This is all still so new for me.

Right now I don't feel truly happy unless I'm presenting femme. I get by in guy mode, but getting by is just about it. I'm still trying to figure out what that means ... does it mean that I'm closer to TG or TS than CD? I don't know, but I'm trying to be open to all possibilities.

Thank you both for your posts, they really struck a chord with me. All of this is so hard, I hope we all find our way.

Courtney

[MarcieMarie12]

This last weekend, I changed from crossdresser to transgender. I am strongly convinced that I am gender fluid, mostly oscilating somewhere between a non gender specific to female, occasioanlly a male one. It is really confusing on the inside, let alone trying to explain it to others. There is no rationalizing it, I've been trying for last 3 months. the why is elusive, the what is there and the how to proceed a big questionmark.

[CiCi_73]

Hi Marcie,

That's so funny, I also changed from CD to TG last weekend. I've been on vacation this week and there have not been too many moments when I've not been dressed as me. Drove for 8 hours yesterday the whole way as me, it was educational to deal with issues like bathroom breaks and checking into the hotel (they have to ask for ID, but the concierge was fairly cool about it). I'm learning what it's like to live this way, and so far I've been pleased.

Hugs,

Courtney

[Guest]

It is really confusing on the inside, let alone trying to explain it to others. There is no rationalizing it, I've been trying for last 3 months. the why is elusive, the what is there and the how to proceed a big questionmark.

Well said Marcie. I feel exactly the same. Confusing is an understatement! I am having trouble explaining this whole thing to myself, let alone trying to explain it to anyone else.

Jayne

[GothicLucas]

Jayne, your first post is me exactly. I've always been genderfluid but am finally exploring my male side (FTM here) and wondering if there's more to it. Both my man and woman sides seem to fight for the steering wheel and I've chosen to identify as androgyne for that reason. Even that, sometimes I wonder if it's the label truest to myself, or if it's just noncommittal.

I don't deal with it. I have no coping mechanisms and just hang on for dear life some days.

However, over the course of the past year, I have noticed that adopting a "woman" mindset and dressing feminine puts me in a foul mood and adopting a "man" mindset and dressing like it makes me feel very comfortable and confident. I choose how to present myself both times so it's not like I feel forced into one or the other. I've learned a lot about myself by just observing my own seemingly subconscious reactions. It helps when the conscious side is full of chaotic voices.

[MarcieMarie12]

Gothic, I went for 6+ years without cross dressing and it was an off or on thing for me. I'd do it for a while, not fully understanding why I did it, becoming ashamed of it then stopping for a while, purge, then start up again 6 months to a year or so down the road. 2 years of dating, married for 3, I don't know what to do next. I also wonder if my declaration of gender fluid is the last bit of denial in me.

[Guest]

Gender fluid might be what I am. I kind of hope not though. That seems to me like an even more complicated way to live than mtf trans. I can just imagine turning up to work as a female one day and make the next I work in a 99.999% male environment. If I had a slim chance trying to explain myself as mtf, I would have no chance at all at making them understand gender fluid.

We truly are a special group. At least I can come on here and say I'm mtf and you all get it.

Best wishes.

Jayne

[tracy_j]

I usually identify as androgyne but I think in reality I am genderfluid.

Things drift around all over the place but most of the time cause few issues. I find it best to relax into things and take them as they come but I must admit that it is becoming more common for people to ask if I'm Trans and then expecting me to talk about full transition. I work in an accepting environment. I openly admit to how I am when asked and get few issues but I do wonder what people are thinking. I like to be open when I feel it is safe to be so as people may begin to understand but I think that although most now accept mtf / ftm few really cope with anything inbetween and even fewer would understand.

Tracy

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Read through this thread last night and I want to chime in with my one cent.

Genderfluid, genderqueer, non-binary; these are all terms that float around in my head under the blanket term "transgender" that I use to describe myself. I've got pieces of both genders--you know, those two genders that everyone agrees on. Biologically, I'm male and I've been socialized that way. Emotionally, definitely more on the stereotypically female side. That's the basic configuration I've got, my starting point, I guess. The more I engage with being trans*, though, the broader my dysphoria is becoming, so that I no longer feel comfortable with male characteristics that didn't bother me before, no longer feel very comfortable presenting in male clothes. And from what I experienced earlier this year, the more I engage and free myself from socialized gender, the happier and clearer I feel. I think of it like this: as a child, I was whole. Then gender socialization happened, and that was relentless, pervasive, and continues. Not that I'm still being socialized as male; that damage has been done... what happens every day now is that I either struggle against the internalized and external imposition of gender norms or I don't. The more I struggle, the more I actively gender myself and refuse the assumptions that are imposed based on my secondary sex characteristics, the better and freer I feel.

I was actually beginning to doubt the truth of all of the above a little bit. The past month has been so hectic, so full of people and places and social norms that I felt overwhelmed. And at some point, and this is a familiar process, I just put up defenses against this gender expectation overload and shut down. So that's something that happened this month and it's something that happened to me as a child and adolescent and then continued on for another decade and then some. When I reach that shut down stage, I still function, but I'm not happy. I still function, just at sub- levels. I am not meeting my potential.

Facing and struggling with this is the hardest thing I've ever done. That's a cliche. It's true. I can't even talk to many people about it, and I just missed the local trans group meeting because of a family obligation. But upside, today is the first day I've actually been able to dress and be home alone in about a month. I dressed and sat down at the table, just allowed myself to be in that space as Charlotte, or whoever I am. And a slight shift began. It's the strangest thing. Doesn't make a damn bit of sense. Why--? Why would wearing a skirt and a top that allows my skin to breathe more than a casual male or men's tee shirt make any difference in my emotional well-being, my clarity?

Contrast this to yesterday when I took the whole day off and did things that I enjoy, but just couldn't settle into them; I was restless. I was out in public, not physically or mentally in that feminine space because I hadn't had time to slow down and reclaim it.

So this is true for me: exploring and affirming and becoming stable and comfortable in my gender, whatever that looks like, is going to be an essential part of recovering my equilibrium. I need to seek out work and recreational spaces where I'm able to express my gender and where there are not too many signals and stimuli that contradict or otherwise work against my intuitive sense of who I am. And I need to work harder to create an environment in my home that nurtures and encourages genuine gender expression.

It's a matter of health for not just me, but my family as well. Because when I'm dysphoric, I'm cranky and depressed, and I don't cope well with stress, and my family suffers. When I'm at an equilibrium or, as I've been at times earlier this year, gender euphoric, I'm a fun and enjoyable person to be around. Because I just feel right. Simple as that.

It's not simple. This is complicated stuff.

Thanks for this thread. Writing this out helped me. Hopefully it will help others as well.

[Guest]

Hi Tracy & Charlotte. Thanks for your replies. Reading how different people cope with their situation is helpful.

Charlotte, reading your post was like reading about me. I agree with what you said about women's clothes. How can wearing women's clothes make you feel better? It doesn't make sense! But somehow wearing something feminine does work a little. But sometimes it can make the dysphoria worse, because I know it is just clothes. A trick, to deceive myself that I am a woman.

Jayne

[MarcieMarie12]

That happened to me, one day I wanted to dress up but ended up bawling and despondent instead cause of my 5'Oclock shadow

[Clair holiday]

Thanks for this post

I have had many questions answered by reading this and it has put my mind at ease about how I am feeling