I don't know what to do!

[Poptartyoube]

Ever since I was little, I have always wanted to be a girl. But I lived in a Christian home and was never allowed to be. So ever since I can remember I'd try to do it in secret. Having the neighbor girls paint my nails, taking my cousins' clothes, dressing up in my aunts' dresses, cutting some of my sweats into short shorts. But when my parents would find the "feminine products" they would throw them away. No matter what I said they ended up in the garbage. Then when I was a little older I would hang out at my friend's house and dress up there.

Hi, my name is Ellie but my birth name is Will. I sometimes go by the name Poptart because it is bisexual. My problem is: my parents do not approve of me being Ellie. I told my mom that if I get the money, I'm going to have a sex change operation. I told her that she would then have to call me Ellie and she refused. So my whole life I never had an ounce of estrogen. But also being raised in a Christian household, my mind is all mixed up. One half is telling me this is wrong and I should just forget it. But Ellie is dying to get out and spread her wings. So now I'm stuck in this disgusting male body. Stuck looking in the mirror and seeing an ugly boy face instead of who I really am.

The other day I was at Walmart to get some jeans and decided to try on some dresses and short shorts. But when I put them on, I looked in the mirror and i looked disgusting. I don't know what to do. I don't have the money for estrogen and I don't have the money for a sex change. I just want to be who I really am! And I can't do that because I have this stupid male body. I am literally in tears right now just trying to type this up. I just don't know what to do anymore. I would just forget about becoming Ellie but I mentally and emotionally can't. But how can I dress up and actually look like a girl? I need help!

[VickySGV]

I belong to, and am a fully accepted and included member of a Christian denomination, although I admit that there are others churches who do not want to be identified on the same phone book page with us. My spiritual life has been important in my complete journey to where I am today. Seek your own spiritual home, because they do exist and where you will be loved and cherished.

You have not given your birth date on your profile yet, but I sense you are still pretty young, and I cannot give you much hope for changing your parent's point of view in the short run. It may even be most advisable for now to just drop the subject with them, their minds are made up, and they will not be receptive to the facts. I know that advice hurts, but it can save much deeper hurt if your parents oppose you or try to send you to people to "cure you of being Trans*" which does not work and can be devastating. If you develop problems dealing with school work, or depression, approach those as your reasons for counseling by legitimate therapists. When you become old enough to be on your own (5 years seems impossible to a teenager I know) then it may be necessary to go against what your parents believe to keep your life together. We can only pray that in time they will come to accept you. Be assured though that there are many other people like you who can and will become a new family to you.

We are here to support you even if you cannot find support in other places, and you will get some relief from being accepted as Ellie here, which you are. If you need to "talk" to someone in Chat, please go there and register as well. They are a great group. Very much welcome to the Playground here.

[Guest April Kristie]

Ellie, welcome to the playground, Vicky is right once you are eighteen, you can start living your life for you. Do not let any imagined guilt get the better of you. As you grow you will know what is right for you. Life is constant change and evolution as you grow up and mature. In the mean time there are hundreds of posts to read here, learn about others journeys. All the best to you Ellie!

[Guest Razilee]

My parents (mother practicing Catholic, father not) didn't discover my secret life until I was over 18, because I kept it secret. It hasn't gone away but the dysphoria has ebbed and waned through the many years since.

Love, Raz