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wishing to be kim

feeling like kid at 50

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wishing to be kim

living in a small town I was shoping for food there is just one supermarket around here when run into one of the men who raped me he did not see me I droped my shoping and in my mind I was a 6 years old again the shock of seeing him made me run for my life into the bush I stay there for around I don't know how but I ended up at my doctor's I cannot remember how I drive there the shock was more so after seeing me he gave me a shot in the arm and two days later I wakeup in hospital I remember thinking how big everything look so big inmy mind I was a 6years old the rape doctor talk to me about what happen 1 I had a heart attack that was how strong the fear was 2 the police can not help me so I have to live with fear evertime I shop my I seen him about 10 times now and I run everytime my biggest fear is I stop running walk up to him and kill him with my hands I cannot move the rent here to chep the rent in n.s.w is one if the highest in the world eg I pay 3oo a week so I got to live with it or I end up in gail am getting stonger all the time the shock not so bad now I will kill him if he ever comes up to me

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MaryEllen

It must have been a terrible shock to you to see this person again after so many years. The thing is, you no longer have to fear him. After all these years, he probably wouldn't remember you or even recognize you. You are an adult now and are well able to defend yourself even if he should try something. Do not be afraid of him. Look at him as what he is. A pathetic piece of crap. You are a much better person than he is. Don't ever forget that.

Hugs,

MaryEllen

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Guest Kayla Grace

I agree wholeheartedly with Mary here. It happened so long ago and I really can imagine how things that happened so long ago can come back to you in the blink of an eye. I think you should definitely tell your therapist this and see what they say. I will say though that since you're beginning a new life now, purge the bad memories from before from your memory. That's worked for me. And if you need to cry, your therapists office is a safe place.

Stay safe hun <3

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wishing to be kim

thank u but this something u can not contral u don't think u just ack please remember I was not spospe to live through the last time all I see and feel is the last time we meet all u think about is the pain and all the ops ihad to go through 3 mounths in icu and 3 more months having more of ops putting everything back where it belongs I hope this site cab understand I feel fear eveytime I go to the shops and I cannot stop this this is my nightmare that never go away

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Charlize

Thank you for sharing your fear with us. I can certainly not fully understand. That was not my experience of life but i do know fear. Just moving forward and doing the shopping is an accomplishment. Each time you do that you are winning a victory and should feel better about yourself. Sometimes the fear is always with us but we learn to live with it. Telling others can help as well.

Big hugs,

Charlize

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Carolyn Marie

I am very sorry for your pain and turmoil, Kim. I can't imagine what it must be like. You are in an impossible situation. My heart goes out to you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

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Guest Raya

Kim, I feel for you.

My experience with abuse was not as extreme as yours, but I did feel the rage against my abuser. When I got older, there was a point where I was going to retaliate, but could not find him. I'm glad I didn't follow up.

Now, the fear is not a part of my life, the hate has mostly gone, and life has more peace.

I hope you can find "peace thru strength" soonest. You deserve a great life!

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Ravin

Kim, if you can get it, PTSD/trauma counseling can help, even decades later. I have a foster sister who had a major episode involving a seizure when her daughter was the age she was when she was abused. Counseling helped her.

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wishing to be kim

it has taken 15 years workout that I was fighting every bad man I could find I worked in every bar that had a bad rap in Sydney so I found like stardust people in Sydney will know this places it was so bad it was set fire to at lease 10 years ago I went looking for and found bad men this keep me alive I was doing something about my rape and doing what the doctors along with my step farther and broters would keep saying being a man and not a crossdresser I left the army again push in my face by doctors be a man so I wish and feel that I want to be a woman and everybody saying to be a man so I dress up a woman at night and do the work by day when my doctor cheaked up on my past he could not belive I was alive and put me on female hormones that day that y I won't to help young woman so that watt happen to me

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Guest Angelgrlsue

I agree with Ravin, please find a PTSD/Trauma therapist, that is who I am seeing. Therapy helps a great deal in this type of condition.

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