How do you get out of a downward spiral?

[CiCi_73]

Hello everyone,

I'm not sure how long it has been since I posted an update. In the interest of brevity, I'll just say: I've come out to all of my family (1/3 are awesome and supportive, 1/3 seem confused, and 1/3 haven't said anything to me since). My wife moved out last week, took most of the stuff we'd accumulated over the last 14 years, but I didn't feel like I could argue about it since she's leaving me because of the issues around my transgenderedness (my therapist has identified for me how submissive I was in the relationship). Now in the process of looking into how I might transition in the workplace (found an LGBT group affiliated with my agency, but I was the only TG that I could tell - still, they were all awesome). So all that seems great, right?

Well, I saw my (soon to be ex) wife last night, and she made some statements that, upon further reflection, really hurt (some things about how I was "completely a different person while presenting," and that guys dressed as women can be seen as humorous). So I wake up today in the worst mood, feeling like a total failure (as a male, as a husband, as everything) and wondering what in the world I'm doing. It's hard to look around my big, empty house (which I now have to short sale) and not think I've completely wrecked my life. I'm deeply sad. I'm still trying to get to know others in the trans* community, but it is taking time, so right now I don't have anyone I feel comfortable just calling out of the blue and dumping my feelings on. I read some other posts here and I wanted to comment, but I just feel empty inside and so hurt and confused that I didn't think any contributiion I might make would come from the most well reasoned state of mind (I'm thinking of you, Charlotte J).

So how do you all cope when overwhelmed with such crushing sadness and loneliness, and feeling like all the negative feelings are just feeding off of one another?

Thanks for listening and any responses,

Courtney

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Hi Courtney,

First, that sucks. I am sorry.

I wish I had magic advice for you. I do not.

From what I read, you've had a sudden, traumatic shift from family life to singlehood. Brought about by the fact that you are trans*, which in and of itself is enough to cope with.

That's not what you need to hear... let me try again. What I said above was to let you know that I see you, I read your words and see that you are in a sudden and difficult place.

What I do to cope is pretty specific to me. We're all different and need different things. I meditate. I listen to music. I write to process what is going on with me. I read to discover other's experiences, to put my individual life into a larger social and historical context--which can be useful for shifting perspective and contrasting my own difficulties against those who have faced greater adversity and thrived. I read, sometimes, to escape, or for the beauty of words. I go out and do things I enjoy: get coffee, go to a museum maybe, take a walk in nature. Clean. I clean. I've been cleaning a lot today. I cook. Try out a new recipe. These last few things I do are distractions, and intentionally so. Sometimes I just need to shift out of my head and into the physical world--cooking, cleaning; or out of my head and into the social world--hang out with a friend, go out to eat or for coffee. I often do those two things by myself, but I'm out where I'm surrounded by people and sometimes that helps me feel less alone.

Alone... that's a thing, isn't it? Yesterday when I was out and about, engaging in activities to distract myself, surrounded by people in various places, I felt alone among them all. I've been seeing a lot of binary gender everywhere; I mean, I think we all always do, but it's that I'm more conscious of it now and that feels alienating. Alone... even with my wife and friends who love me because... well, because of several separate issues, but one of them is gender.

So alone for me has to be strong, too. I can't just let it be a place of sadness and alienation. I guess the best way for me to cope with being who I am is to... uh, be who I am. I get a lot of strength from introspection and solitude, but the environment has to be right. It's complicated. And sometimes introspection and solitude is definitely not what I need; that's when I turn to activities or socializing.

That's what I can offer now. Don't know if it helps. Please take care of yourself. Hope you feel better soon.

I don't usually do this, but--

HUGS!!!

Charlotte.

[CiCi_73]

Thanks, Charlotte. Your words are comfort enough. I'd read your post earlier ("Hectic Days," or something like that) and felt your struggle, but like I said I was so in my own stuff I couldn't offer anything positive. Instead, you did it for me! And believe it or not, you helped a lot. After the realtor left (he needed to take pictures, and he hasn't interacted with me as myself yet, so I didn't want to unsettle him), I changed, put on some make up, drove around for a while, shopped, came back and cooked up one of my favorite dishes, playing some of my favorite music all the while. It's helping, and now I'm just peeved that I wasted the earlier part of the day in such a funk.

I also reached out to my sister-in-law, one of the 1/3 of my family that has been so awesome about all this (though she has yet to meet the real me). I guess I just needed some kind of human contact, something that could reinforce my presence in this world, make it real for me, instead of being in my head where too many fictions abound.

So yes, pulling out, and glad, because those dark places scare me. Especially given my history of self destructive behavior. Funny that these moods only hit me when I can't, for whatever reason, slip into my real self. I guess that tells me something, too.

Thanks again, I really appreciate you. I hope things improve for you, too (it sounded like the hectic days were coming to an end soon?)

Hugs back,

Courtney

[Charlize]

Courtney i can only say that it gets better. I have had perhaps an easier road. I'm still married and didn't loose the farm somehow. That being said there was a great deal of heart wrenching stomach turning pain. I felt isolated, confused and i need a dictionary for the emotions that flowed through me. It's better and got that way one day at a time. You are so perspective when you mentioned being peeved about wasting part of the day.

Try to see the world and the beauty that exists. I remember making gratitude lists and now that habit comes back and helps. You will get through. An old timer here said "We've got your back" when i was going throughout a rough bit. We do.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Raya]

Hi Courtney, I'm glad you are feeling better. Those dark places scare me too, I'm still trying to work into a good "new normal". Kudos to you for taking action and talking with people and getting off that downward spiral.

I'm rattling around alone at home also.

It was aggravating at times living with adult children back at home, but it was nice to have them to talk to. And help pay the bills!

Good luck with the sale, may you be pleasantly surprised by the offers you get.

[Guest Kayla Grace]

I've probably been single for close to 8 months now. In the beginning it was crap. Feels like this torrential wave of sorrow and darkness. My therapist helped me see that I really am better off on my own since like you, I was pretty submissive (and not in the good way) and blind to all the things that she was doing. That combined with all of the trans issues I had back then made everything worse.

I'm babbling again. I hate to take the cop out route, but this feeling isn't forever. Certainly glad to hear you didn't drink like I likely would have done back then.

It was aggravating at times living with adult children back at home, but it was nice to have them to talk to. And help pay the bills!

As bad as it is to say, I have to agree with you with them helping to pay the bills! Constantly having to nag nag nag makes you feel like the bad guy girl

[CiCi_73]

Thanks everyone, you are all awesome! Guess I got some more stuff to deal with in therapy

Courtney

[wishing to be kim]

your ex is hurting and u say things that hurt the people u love saying and meaning it are two diffint things understanding this dose not take away the pain now something that helps me put on a set of headphones play what u like the most as load as u like and forget about the world for an hour this helps me ihope it dose for u

[gennee]

Hi Courtney. I'm sorry about your marriage breaking up. When I'm in a bad mood, I change my thought process. The present situation will not last forever. There have been some great suggestions here and they all can help.

[Guest otter-girl]

Hi Courtney,

Hope things get better soon. Keep going forward, it's the only way out. Be easy on yourself and remember to rest also as tough stuff takes it out of you.

Rachel

[CiCi_73]

Thanks, Rachel. Things are so up and down right now, but it really helps to have all of you, I know I can come here and you all will understand exactly.

Courtney