Why do I have to Pass?

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Aside from safety, why do I have to pass?

And why do I have to pass to be safe?

I can't separate my trans self from society. And I can't accept that simply because I am trans*, I have to look a certain way or approach my trans identity along a preconceived path.

I still don't present as... as what? trans*? feminine? myself? in public. When or if I do, I assume that I will be met with all sorts of notions about who I am because of varying perceptions of trans* that will be projected onto me. How different is that from the assumptions and perceptions that are projected onto me because people assume that I identify as male? I don't know.

I'm just thinking out loud, asking some questions.

To me, it seems that being trans* is inextricably linked to our culture, which is still entrenched in binary notions of gender. And the most prominent trans* celebrities don't do much to challenge that binary. Which leaves those of us who don't fit neatly on either pole of this male/female conception to pioneer and fight for our right to express ourselves as we know ourselves.

On an abstract level, that excites me; I'm all for challenging social norms and breaking down walls of the status quo. On the concrete level of my daily life, I'm cautious to say the least. I don't think this make me a coward; it means I'm aware of the challenge ahead.

It seems to me that I have work to do not only on myself--accepting myself, confronting my own transphobia and misogyny--but also on the societal level. If I am ever to be comfortable as myself in society, it's not simply a matter of me "changing my gender", but of me (and us) educating society, shifting deeply-rooted perceptions. So personally, I can't extricate being transgender from a commitment to challenging and restructuring society.

Anyone else? Thoughts?

[Guest Raya]

Hmm. I'm not feeling it as a commitment to challenging society. Just not strong enough right now. Maybe I will, once my life becomes more manageable.

I'm feeling that during my struggles to live as me, in a sometimes hostile environment, I will try to "represent" (odd word, that, re present = to present again) and gently pull some people along towards acceptance. Attraction rather than promotion.

I like your describing it as cautious at a concrete level. I sure don't feel that is cowardice, but smart. And courageous to continue in spite of fear.

And a thought on those of us who don't fit. What I make things fit in building, it usually means something gets cut off, cut down to size, trimmed. Seldom stretched or grown. If we redefine "fit" as applies to us, there could be a lot less cutting!

[Guest]

My own way of dealing with this is not trying to pass. I'm a woman, I have my own tastes, my own looks. Trying to pass for me is stressful. So I decided at one point to just be myself. When I was presenting as a male people would think I was gay because of the way I walk and talk. I think i'm ok, I pass well enough to not look weird in society and that's good enough for me.

anyway, everybody on my facebook, at my work, my family and friends, everyone knows i'm trans so what do I got to hide?

I think it's important to have good taste but trying to walk super sexy like some girl would be hollow to me. I'm asexual, walking like that means nothing to me.

so that's it, my 2 cents

why do you have to pass : you don't have to pass. To me, you have to be yourself, respect your tastes and what you like. You also have to blend in a little, know the rules if you don't like being the center of attention (like me).

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Hi Charlotte,

You are indeed a deep thinker, I like that. I have been living as a woman for awhile now, and so my style has slowly developed. Intellectually I know that the binary of our society does need to change, but I am ill suited to facilitating it. I just live as myself, with no shields or attempts to meet expectations. However, it appears that I fit into the female end of the spectrum rather well, and so it is very easy for folks to use a cookie cutter to put me into their vision of the binary. So even though I do without make up, love driving sports cars, and also practice martial arts; I am perceived as quite feminine by the general public. So I really am not the one to change society, I live too much within the binary. For the first time in my life, I feel completely normal. This is due to the same societal pressures to conform that you speak of, and well, I really do applaud you in your efforts to change it. It is something that needs to occur, for the good of everyone. We can't keep ostracizing folks in our culture just because they don't fall within some pre-conceived stereotypes. Ancient societies did a better job of being inclusive, we need to do better.

hugs,

Stephanie

[Guest Raya]

Well Stephanie, I think you are changing society by just living as yourself. Because you fit the binary picture of female, you may not stand out as much, but you are an inspiration to some of us who hope to be where you are. And to the cis people who know you, you present a positive, relatable example of what Trans can be.

And to live honestly as we are will have generally positive societal benefits we cannot know the extent of- how much impact does it have on others when we are happier- how many more smiles happen today?

[Guest Deanna]

When I started I figured I would never pass, It didn't matter I was going to transition anyway. I realized I didn't want to be a fake and miserable or could I stand the idea of leaving this earth as a man.

I don't really think it is realistic for me to try. I live in a small town so everyone knows or will be told who I am. I just decided to be myself. Most people come to respect that after a while. A few years from now most people will know me as only Deanna, as the past slips away slowly.

Deanna

[VickySGV]

What is it that people will notice about you?? I mean REALLY NOTICE about you? Your make-up, your clothing, your wig, your shoes? People cannot remember any of those things about me for too long, and at my stage of things I do not change too often but there are things about me they do remember. Short list:

"Vicky, I could not have done all the food preparation by myself, thank you for helping me!"

"We are so glad you knew how to get that broken water pipe fixed for us!!

"Thank you for helping my mother the other day, we did not realize how far her dementia had progressed."

"Vicky, it was my first time in your type of church, you helped me feel at home. It made my grandmothers memorial service so much more meaningful to me."

"Thank you for just being there for me Vicky, I so wanted to drink but you were my friend who kept me from danger!!"

"My son went to his first Narcotics Anonymous last night and already has new friends to help him. Thank you for finding the meeting location for him. His children need him so much and that is how he can keep them,"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Those are all things that have happened to me since I came out fully to people around me. No mention of bad wigs or silly looking hats, or mismatched skirt and top. My connection with my true self makes my care of others so much more a part of my life and makes me feel so wonderfully human that I have to share and give service. In those cases it did not matter that I am Trans* because it was about others and not myself. Be legitimately caring and nice to other people, call if passing if you wish, but for me it is the only life.

[Guest noeleena]

Hi,

To fight for our right to express our selfs for who we are ,

Charllotte,

I never had to fight for a right to be myself wether you see it this way or not .

I was given my right to be who i am and long before birth , my Mom gave that to me .i did not express myself and it had nothing at all to being male or female or different maybe i saw something else going on through out my life ,, maybe there were people who at the right time were ready and waiting to help me and when i needed them , a maybe ,

[Guest noeleena]

I was given so much to be who i am , the maybe,s are just so you can look at it from your perspective , for myself the real was never a maybe it was a given . all i had to do was take hold and go with it ,

I know so many of you,s wont to pass and or blend in okay i see that and yes importaint for yous, did i never and knew i never would , from my study of people going back some 50 years and noting peoples facial features i learned that not every one looked the same so to females how many are beautifull come on be real here how feminine are all women do they and im included here as well ,

men percive us as to how they wont us to look and the fact is many of us dont come close to thier ideal of what they most men expect, i dont and some of my friends dont ether , and we are female in my background i come from a tribe of slavic people Prussian and i looked at thier facial features to see how my people looked well i did not see many gorgous looking females in fact very manly looking and our german people ,now of cause im not talking about female under 50 this is within my age range 50 to 68.

Dont get me wrong there are some lovely looking women out there the dates are 1860 to 1980s . that covers our familys .

So for myself and my age i dont really look out of place or to masculine after all when i look at my people ,

so do i have to pass this preconceved idear i have to look like some men wont me to , or can i be accepted as a normal female like my famile of years ago .

Yes i have my moments and days of i just dont look like a feminine female , i wonder did my family have those same concerns did they wonder about much the same as i do , had i been able to stand along side them,

(((( And that would have been so NEAT ))))). so what have i learned after those years , we have a life so lets get on and live it to the full...

can any others here see it from my line of sight and get passed the make belive of to day and see passed the fantasy that is pushing us further under the ground .

Im such a misfit and different and i can be accepted fully as a normal female , then look beyound your close circut eyes and see beyound ...your... LOOK....and live the life you should and can ,

...noeleena...

i would not have been out of place at all .

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Well, you've certainly all given me a lot to think about.

I might have a response later, but for right now I'm just going to absorb what you all have written and think about it some more. And if anyone else has more to add, I'll enjoy reading that, too.

[Guest noeleena]

Hi,

Deanna,

So the sun sinks slowly in the west .....ooops I mean my past slowly fades away , hang on , whats wrong with my past. nothing as it is

Okay , im too well known and my past comes with me where ever I go, 16 years here in Waimate yes im well known and those who know me know my past if I can call it that , so what do I need to be known as , a male or female or other , all of those,

Over the last 17 years they have known me to know me well enough to not worry how I dress or what work I do or even the groups im a member of they know my trade background and the work I do, you see I have lots I can talk about and lots I can relate to others about , both men and women , things incommon, ,

The last 22 years those who knew me before know what I was like and accepted the changes I have gone through and have been there with me as I have included them with me in my sojorn, and we talked about different aspects as well, for some men and was interesting even about corrective surgerys so I was given the mens thoughts on their idear of surgerys , really it was lovely , surprising you may say , well think about it I,v known these guys for many years,. it may not have been the most talked about subject for a Monday morning natter yet they did take an interest in my life and what was going on,

yes it can be put on the back burner yet they all know and are really good so friends they are and good mates as well ,

What im saying is when your part of the group or a member and well known what you look like , or my case I don't look different from when they knew me over 20 years ago, okay easy way to explain .

I was noel to them then and now whats changed ...noel...eena....okay noeleena...., I did not try to be other than I allways have been ,, this I belive has been the reason im so well accepted , by so many .

...noeleena...

[Cosmo]

Passing is blending. Blending allows for movement within society with anaminnity. Passing is the result of presenting with self confidence. Just my opinion.

[Tejana]

"Aside from safety, why do I have to pass?"---Hmmm....Social convention? While I am an individual I do live in a society where cultural norms exist (i.e., I do not reside in a social vacuum). I always felt that there was a limit to the amount of social disruption that I could accept/justify (i.e., not in terms of my personal safety, but in terms of consideration for others).

"And why do I have to pass to be safe?"---I am of the opinion that safety and passing are not inextricably linked. Cis-gendered individuals are not necessarily safe by virtue of their "passing." It seems to me that safety is most directly increased through possession of several means of defending oneself.

"I still don't present as... as what? trans*? feminine? myself?"---I present as myself, albeit with the recognition of both my own and others individual liberties, and with the understanding that both myself & others may act/react in self-defense if pushed too far. [A professor I once knew advised me to always choose my battles carefully.]

"Anyone else? Thoughts?"---Hmmm....Just what I've written. Best wishes in charting your course.

[Charlize]

I can certainly relate to this statement from Deanna: " I live in a small town so everyone knows or will be told who I am." It is that simple and maybe that helped me when i first went full time. I knew everybody i saw knew who i was and my history. It didn't matter, i simply had to be honest and live as myself even if i wasn't accepted. In fact it turns out i am still very much a part of the community and no seems to think less of me. For years i worried if i could pass and once out i'd get "compliments" like "you look better than i thought you would". I learned to live as me regardless and it wasn't until i drove across the country that passing again became a big issue. Day by day i found that no one seemed to notice or perhaps care. By that time i had gotten some confidence living, out, as myself where everyone knew. Just letting go of the whole passing issue seemingly mad passing easy. Time has made the whole question less relevant but looking back i see how much fear was at work. In the end i had to drop that fear to find some peace.

Hugs,

Charlize