This is truly an awful thing for someone to do. I’m so sorry you had to go threw that. 😢
I have wanted to do this all my life but something always holds me back from doing it. Perhaps my ingrained sense of need to hide everything about the person I was inside was so strong that I just couldn’t “confess” this even in written words.
Then there was the ever present fear of having someone read it, or worse, like what happened to TammyAnne. I honestly do not know how much of a negative impact that would of had on me.
These days I’m out. Not to the world but to most everyone I care about so these fears don’t control me any longer.
Why do I still resist?
"Meanwhile, my regular male life carried on. I eventually met and married my wife. Of course, the women's clothes had to go. I was "fixed", and whatever was "wrong" with me was gone. (or so I thought, hopefully.) However, the urge to dress remained very strong, and gradually got stronger."
Yes, this sounds a lot like me; always hoping something would "cure" me. If it wasn't falling in love and getting married, it was growing a mustache and doing something macho and dangerous. But it never worked, and didn't for you, either. We have all come to realize that being trans can't be cured, but there is a sure fire way of beating the dysphoria, and its name was transition!
Thanks for taking the time to tell us about yourself, KathyLauren. I know that it can be a difficult thing to do.
As someone who took insulin shots for 20 years, I have some familiarity with the problem. The "good spot-bad spot" theory is pretty "spot" on 😜. There are thousands of nerve endings in all your extremities, and hitting one by accident is fairly easy to do. On top of that, hitting a capillary or blood vessel can also be painful. I'm not entirely sure how to guarantee it won't happen (if that's even possible), but your best best is to talk with a nurse about it. He or she should be able to give you some tips. I would also suggest marking (with a marker pen or piece of tape) the spots that gave you pain so you can try and avoid them the next time.
That's where my fantasy takes me. I'd love to keep "my" body, but just with XX chromosomes, and an appropriate puberty.
When I find my jealous of some ot the women in media, I have to remind myself that 99% of ciswomen are jealous of those women for the same reason!
I have recently begun the process of speaking out what I have been struggling with for a good many years internally without knowing how to put it into words. In part this is due to transgender friends telling me their stories and hearing bits of myself in them. Last night I had a good cry with my wonderful spouse who told me that he doesnt see me any differently.
So now I feel my experiences can be discussed so much more openly. First some background.
There is a joke in our family that the force is strong with my dads genetics and on my is it ever. All three of my dads biological children look like him, and I have a different mom then the other two. My birth grandfather and dad look alike and his half brother is the same. In essence I look...like...my dad. I was born female but have always had this face that could pass for male. Once as a teen in the hospital I was told by staff that I looked like a cute boy with my hair slicked back. Now...that is unsettling for a whole host of reasons that I really dont want to get into here but suffice it to say I thought for the first time, what if i was a boy? Am i cute as a boy?
I didnt experience dysphoria as a child, I just ran around and played in the mud with boys and girls and made up elaborate stories where I fought dragons in skirts and everyone cheered for me, the victorious knight. Then they showed up. And they just kept growing and growing till they are large enough that my doctor has spoken to me about top surgery without gender entering the question. I hate them. Literally I have so much anger towards them I sometimes want to lock myself up in my room and cry. I look at my androgynous face that looks like my dads and think of the times people have seen just a head shot and thought I could be male or female, a boy in skirts or a girl in armor or something in between. Then I look at this silhouette that no amount of binding can reduce.
I am happy with the in betweeness of my face and I am not particularly distressed with any other part of my anatomy, but the thought of caring the things around on my chest for the rest of my life and always looking like I am smuggling watermelons out of a grocery store makes me sick.
So this is where I am now. I suppose it is as good a place as any to be in as far as my identity is concerned. I think I am somewhere in between and I want to make my body look the way I feel. And I am in this moment now with acceptance and love for that.
I think since it seems there is an interest there that it would be a really great idea! My adult friends and I took my adult friend to one for her birthday once because she had never gone before and it was absolutely the most fun we have ever had. I think you see things from a different perspective as you get older and aquariums are a great place to recapture some of the fun and innocence of childhood. Also someone who has always been supportive and willing to listen is probably the kind of person who would enjoy doing something more unique. And you can always get a plushy from the gift shop to snuggle.
I hope all works out for you!
Yes, I actually do! I don't write in it daily, but whenever something important happens, I always add to my voice diary of my laptop. That way, I will also be able to hear the progression of my voice over time. For now, I can gladly say that months of training my voice has definitely lowered it quite a bit, and while it might not be exactly what I want, you can't knock progress! It is also more helpful than writing because you just set a time limit and say whatever comes to mind. Hearing your own voice really gives you a better feeling of exactly what you were going through in that moment, and a clearer picture in the whole. I have started crying before, and that raw emotion while you are talking with just yourself and the microphone is something that you can really look back on. It can be a tad more stressful, sure, but I find that there is much less pressure as you are just doing and saying whatever you want.
Thank you all for your kind comments. I did lay low for the better part of the day and evening. I just got up to get a bite to eat. When I'm not well I do tend to "forget". Not good.
Again, thank you. I'm feeling better already!
I have started a journal within the past week, it's helping me sort through a lot of complex emotions and thoughts. Sometimes I get overly fixated on a single thought and writing it down seems to help.
Aiden, that sounds like a good outing. Zoos are good to.
Be aware that the penguins smell awful, and it's a smell that you continue to smell the whole time (unlike many things that stink but olfactory fatigue sets in so it doesn't smell so bad).
I think most aquariums with dolphins or killer whales do a lot of splashing the audience, so I don't how you feel about that. Could be fun.
Sounds like a great first date. Dining on the first date is nice as you have each other to focus on but if you don’t know the person then it can feel sort of like an interview getting to know the other person. Having something else as the focus is great to alleviate any awkward silences during your time together. The worst first date IMHO is going to a movie where you’re both passive observers with little or no communication until after it’s over.
I think the aquarium idea is good. If the date is into it, why not?