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LoganXB

Childhood Sexual Trauma

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LoganXB

Hey, all. You're supposed to be able to trust your family, right? Trust them to love you. Trust them to support you. Trust them to never hurt you. At least that's what I thought when I was a little kid. When my older brother sexually took advantage of me when I was eleven, I really didn't know what to think at the time. I was so confused. I was so naive. Being older, I thought he was so much more knowledgeable and wiser than me. And having those ideals of trust, I thought he'd never do anything harmful. Because of those thoughts, there was a part of me that tried to tell myself that there was nothing wrong with what he did. But then there was a greater part of me that knew it was very, very wrong. I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing. I am such a shy, introverted, and private person. I had already been struggling with my gender in silence for years before that, so this just got added to the top of the pile. I carried on with painted smiles while inside I was being constantly tormented. I had nightmares and cried myself to sleep most nights. I began to think it was all my fault. By eighth grade, I started having suicidal thoughts. By my high school graduation, I had already attempted suicide. Those secrets just kept festering in my mind. They are a heavy burden to carry by yourself. But my sense of trust was shattered to even consider sharing my pain. Thankfully, I have a professor in college that saw past my smiles, and very slowly, with lots of effort on his part, he became the first person to earn back my complete trust. I confided in him. And he helped me confide in others that could help. So many people are trying to help me, but I still feel like I am guilty for what happened and I can't forgive myself or my brother. I just can't let go and move on. And because of this, my suicidal thoughts still plague me.

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Guest Kenna Dixon

Logan...

Welcome to Laura's Playground. There are people here who will closely relate to what you're expressing and give you support.

But I just want to tell you I noticed how well you write.

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wishing to be kim

go to a hospital rape is rape tell them your story this is the best places to get help

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Laurette

Logan,

I can assure you that you are not alone and it was in no way your fault. Find a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse issues and there are support groups for those of us who were sexually abused as children. Don't worry about forgiving your abuser, that may or may not come later. The first thing I had to do was forgive myself. Working with my therapist and going to a support group helped me to forgive myself and realize that I was a child who at the time it happened, didn't know how wrong it was. In my case, it was our parish priest, someone who we trusted implicitly - he was after all God's representative on earth.

You can move past this. I can't say that I'm completely at peace with what happened to me, but I've realized that it was not my fault. Once I accepted that, the nightmares stopped. I can't say that it was an easy or fast process, but with the help of a good therapist, a support group, and a lot of work and effort on my part, I've moved from being a victim to being a survivor.

Best wishes.

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JJ

Counseling can actually make a difference here and help you move on. I found once I transitioned I had displaced my gender pain and dysphoria in to past traumas and they combined to make a cycle of pain and depression. I think for many of us it is especially difficult to move past traumas and unfortunately because we already feel wrong on a deep level we are especially vulnerable to this kind of abuse.

Look up the rape crisis center in your area. The rape-and it was rape at that age no matter what your reaction or thoughts at the time-does not have to be recent for them to provide counseling. It may be a challenge to find a counselor who understands the interaction of gender dysphoria and rape trauma but I have never heard of a rape crisis counselor being judgmental either. If they do not know that gender dysphoria is not a mental illness and has been declassified as such by the APA you may need to educate them a little. And I believe the counseling is often free as well.

I was molested by a relative stranger several times when I was 6 and I felt guilty because I had been sitting somewhere I was told not to be. He told me he would kill me and my family if I told so I didn't - for 30 years. And when I did found he had also molested my little sister as well.

The main thing is that there is help and you can get through it. Can have a good full life. After transition even though so much of my life is behind me I am happier than I knew it was possible to be. It is worth fighting for and worth it all to get to that point. And you can . You are far from alone and there are people out there who can help and want to do so.

If you end it you make that your story. Are forever locked into that pain and trauma. You are so much more -life is so much more than that. You can make the story of your life. Make it a story of triumph. A story of emerging from the dark not going down in it.

Reach out and make it so.

Johnny

Johnny

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Guest Jamie61

Dear Logan,

You are not alone.

You did nothing wrong. We wouldn't blame any 11 year old victim of incest, except we blame our selfs.

You did nothing wrong, you were a child.

My heart goes out to you,

Love,

Jamie

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