Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


Childhood Sexual Trauma

Recommended Posts


Hey, all. You're supposed to be able to trust your family, right? Trust them to love you. Trust them to support you. Trust them to never hurt you. At least that's what I thought when I was a little kid. When my older brother sexually took advantage of me when I was eleven, I really didn't know what to think at the time. I was so confused. I was so naive. Being older, I thought he was so much more knowledgeable and wiser than me. And having those ideals of trust, I thought he'd never do anything harmful. Because of those thoughts, there was a part of me that tried to tell myself that there was nothing wrong with what he did. But then there was a greater part of me that knew it was very, very wrong. I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing. I am such a shy, introverted, and private person. I had already been struggling with my gender in silence for years before that, so this just got added to the top of the pile. I carried on with painted smiles while inside I was being constantly tormented. I had nightmares and cried myself to sleep most nights. I began to think it was all my fault. By eighth grade, I started having suicidal thoughts. By my high school graduation, I had already attempted suicide. Those secrets just kept festering in my mind. They are a heavy burden to carry by yourself. But my sense of trust was shattered to even consider sharing my pain. Thankfully, I have a professor in college that saw past my smiles, and very slowly, with lots of effort on his part, he became the first person to earn back my complete trust. I confided in him. And he helped me confide in others that could help. So many people are trying to help me, but I still feel like I am guilty for what happened and I can't forgive myself or my brother. I just can't let go and move on. And because of this, my suicidal thoughts still plague me.

Share this post

Link to post
Guest Kenna Dixon


Welcome to Laura's Playground. There are people here who will closely relate to what you're expressing and give you support.

But I just want to tell you I noticed how well you write.

Share this post

Link to post
wishing to be kim

go to a hospital rape is rape tell them your story this is the best places to get help

Share this post

Link to post


I can assure you that you are not alone and it was in no way your fault. Find a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse issues and there are support groups for those of us who were sexually abused as children. Don't worry about forgiving your abuser, that may or may not come later. The first thing I had to do was forgive myself. Working with my therapist and going to a support group helped me to forgive myself and realize that I was a child who at the time it happened, didn't know how wrong it was. In my case, it was our parish priest, someone who we trusted implicitly - he was after all God's representative on earth.

You can move past this. I can't say that I'm completely at peace with what happened to me, but I've realized that it was not my fault. Once I accepted that, the nightmares stopped. I can't say that it was an easy or fast process, but with the help of a good therapist, a support group, and a lot of work and effort on my part, I've moved from being a victim to being a survivor.

Best wishes.

Share this post

Link to post

Counseling can actually make a difference here and help you move on. I found once I transitioned I had displaced my gender pain and dysphoria in to past traumas and they combined to make a cycle of pain and depression. I think for many of us it is especially difficult to move past traumas and unfortunately because we already feel wrong on a deep level we are especially vulnerable to this kind of abuse.

Look up the rape crisis center in your area. The rape-and it was rape at that age no matter what your reaction or thoughts at the time-does not have to be recent for them to provide counseling. It may be a challenge to find a counselor who understands the interaction of gender dysphoria and rape trauma but I have never heard of a rape crisis counselor being judgmental either. If they do not know that gender dysphoria is not a mental illness and has been declassified as such by the APA you may need to educate them a little. And I believe the counseling is often free as well.

I was molested by a relative stranger several times when I was 6 and I felt guilty because I had been sitting somewhere I was told not to be. He told me he would kill me and my family if I told so I didn't - for 30 years. And when I did found he had also molested my little sister as well.

The main thing is that there is help and you can get through it. Can have a good full life. After transition even though so much of my life is behind me I am happier than I knew it was possible to be. It is worth fighting for and worth it all to get to that point. And you can . You are far from alone and there are people out there who can help and want to do so.

If you end it you make that your story. Are forever locked into that pain and trauma. You are so much more -life is so much more than that. You can make the story of your life. Make it a story of triumph. A story of emerging from the dark not going down in it.

Reach out and make it so.



Share this post

Link to post
Guest Jamie61

Dear Logan,

You are not alone.

You did nothing wrong. We wouldn't blame any 11 year old victim of incest, except we blame our selfs.

You did nothing wrong, you were a child.

My heart goes out to you,



Share this post

Link to post

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   0 Members, 0 Anonymous, 98 Guests (See full list)

    There are no registered users currently online

  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
    • Most Online

    Newest Member
  • Today's Birthdays

    No users celebrating today
  • Posts

    • ToniTone
      My trans sister and some friends of ours had a barbecue, we had a great day! She gave me a full makeover, she's so great. Probably the prettiest my face has ever been.    I'm still feeling such euphoria! I hope I never come down from this cloud... 💕   ~Toni
    • Janae
      I have to agree with Dain. You look great in pic 7 ! - and the last pic above in the black dress! ❤️   Janae
    • michelle_kitten
      Time to share.  I am actually pretty lonely tonight.  I spent a lot of time isolating after my last marriage.  Healing time was required and I haven't involved myself too deeply with anyone.   My roommate is practically a stranger.  My new found distance from my co-workers has come all too easy.  The one person I really trust in my life was my supervisor whose last day was Friday.  He's moving on to another job and a nearly $20,000 a year pay raise.  I am happy for him, and eventually may go to work where he is working.  In the mean time, I don't trust my new supervisor.   I have a habit of being an extroverted introvert.  I smile.  I am witty and love to make people laugh.  I am generally cheerful and gentle.  Customers just love me overall.  I get more surveys on my customer service than  just about anyone else in the department, and they are overwhelmingly positive.  At the same time, very few people know anything about me.  Years of living with depression and hiding it have given me amazing acting skills.  I am pretty superficial with most people and prefer to draw others out to talk about themselves or go into informational mode to avoid how I feel.   I have been looking for something in which to get involved locally.  The few things I've tried seemed to involve people either much younger than I am, or older folks.  I don't seem to fit in anywhere, so far.  I find it easier to go to a movie on my own, or go out to eat solo, than go with someone else.  There is a local trans group, but they want me to show them a picture of myself in full girl mode.  I am not ready for that.  I still look way too guy to even feel comfortable having anyone see me.  Then there are those cool social events which are never anywhere near where I live.  Atlanta had a gay awards show this past week, but it was way on the other side of the city, and it would have either taken hours to get there, or cost me a fortune to Uber there (I don't have a car).   I have  a few friends with which I have gamed since 2015, but those are online relationships, and not the same.   It seems I've forgotten how to connect with anyone.  I just don't seem to know how to meet people anymore.  I am fresh out of ideas.  I am not a drinker, so bars and clubs don't interest me.  I just have no idea where I can go to meet other people.  Blah!   I am not giving up, but tonight it is all kind of getting to me a bit.
    • michelle_kitten
      I can only begin to imagine what it is like.   I am so sorry to hear about the abuse as well.  I've had my own journey with that.  It helps me to think of myself as a survivor.  I am not the person I would have been had I not been abused, and that is sad.  At the same time, I am strong and resilient for having come through it.  It never ceases to amaze me the lengths human beings will go to survive.  While your situation is complicated, and I would imagine frustrating, it is also a testament to your will to keep going, even when life put you in a horrifying situation or situations.
    • Ellora
      Not all girl types talk to all girl types. I don’t talk to everyone I see, or want to join in on their convos. I have tried in the past, and it doesn’t always work, cause not everyone wants someone else to hop in or comment on a conversation. They may be loud or have something interesting going on, but it can turn into an awkward moment sometimes. Sometimes the timing is right, and everyone just gets along, sometimes they don’t. Being more social will give you more confidence, and you will find your groove. Give it time. I used to hang out at coffee houses, and not everyone there wants  others to just start talking. I did find a coffee house that was very friendly and made some really good friends. 
    • Jani
      The last one with the silver hairpiece is very nice.  That style suits you face really well.  That color is fashionable now and you can see why, it makes your eyes just shine.     On my earlier comment, oops my bad! but I'm glad I made your day. 😄   Cheers,   Jani
    • Jani
      Me too.  I was never a great conversationalist but now that I have found my groove and my confidence I talk to everybody.   I also wonder why was I ever like I was?  Answer: lack of confidence.     Also as far as the "hippy chicks" we all belong to a tribe of sorts and sometimes we just don't relate, even though we think we might or can.  I'm not saying don't try to talk with them but sometimes we're just not on the wavelength as the people we run into.  Que Sera Sera!    Jani
    • Jani
    • Bananarama
      Hihi!   This was my morning coffee yesterday:     Today I'm quietly relaxing on my patio with my ipad and a cup of joe.
    • Bananarama
      It also depends on one's station and familiarity in the community you're speaking to. For example, if you're new to a group, the last thing you'll want to say is ''thanks, guys'' and ''hiya guys'', but if you're among friends and are seen as an established member, then the use of 'guys' is usually seen as neutral, whereas as a n00b you're viewed with suspicion.   Language such as this doesn't bother me in the slightest and I view it as completely innocuous. I'm comfortable in my own skin and in no way does the word invalidate me. However, it's always best to err on the side of caution. If you have to think "is what I'm about to say appropriate?", then chances are good that it isn't. 🙂
    • VickySGV
      I'm going to be a bit of a rebel here, but #8 looks easily what your hair can become for you.  I agree with Char that they are a bit over the top for office wear or grocery shopping, but going out for a nice evening totally do it for you.
    • DeeDee
      You really do suit the off the shoulder cut dresses. I'm very jealous! (and I am still a fan of the ash wig)   To be fair I have known mums who go out of their way to dress like the first photo just to collect their kids from school in a 4x4 that has never been off road in its life, but they are universally despised by the rest of us who just try to get there on time - so - absolutely, right place right right time applies to cis women too. 😁
    • Charlize
      Conversation in the ladies room was virtually impossible for me early in transition.  I'm less self absorbed now with greater confidence in my identity.  I cam easily be drawn into conversations now.   Relax, give yourself time and someday you will look back and wonder......did i once have a problem?   Hugs,   Charlize
    • Charlize
      Smokin........  I just might avoid grocery shopping looking like that!   Hugs,   Charlize
    • ToniTone
      That said, it is nice to have some girl friends who want to pull me into the social circle.    A lot of the guys there are surprisingly supportive and friendly to me too.    Socializing is just hard for me... 
  • Upcoming Events

  • Create New...