More Self-Acceptance

[Guest Charlotte J.]

I wrote this sometime last week and tried to post it while the forums were having whatever issues they were having. It’s all still pretty accurate as to where I stand right now. I added one thing in brackets that’s come up since.

I haven't been around here for a while, but I wanted to touch base. It's hard to state exactly where I'm at these days--pretty content, generally, and juggling a lot of different aspects of life. In a way gender dysphoria has receded... no, that's not quite right. It's more accurate to say that I've made progress in acceptance of myself, and the gender issues have calmed down somewhat because of that acceptance. I can't say exactly how I identify at this point, and that's a bit of a good thing because I'm simply not as focused on it. In a lot of ways I am working to unite what I consider my masculine and feminine sides, merging them. This is in-line with my sense of myself as non-binary.

I've read some books recently that I've found interesting and helpful. They're feminist texts from the early 1980s--not everyone's cup of tea, I'm sure. But I want to share them because I found them particularly enlightening as far as gender roles and gender socialization are concerned. They are Women's Ways of Knowing and In A Different Voice. I might say more about them when I'm less mushy in the brain. Tired right now.

Last month I started finasteride for my thinning hair. I also got a haircut, the first one in a while. Well, kind of. Before that I was cutting my own hair with shears, clippers. Just shaving it really close. I did that for about a year and a half. Before that, since my teen years, I mostly had long hair. The reason I cut it all off in early 2014 was because my receding hairline and bald spot at the crown of my head were making me feel crappy. So I just manned up and cropped all my hair. Now I'm growing it out again. I'm proud of myself in that when I went to get a haircut I was able to tell them exactly how I wanted it, which is tapered and layered in the back. It took a little bit of effort to get this through, and when I did, the stylist said, "Oh, that's how a lot of women with short hair get it cut." Exactly. Couldn't help but smile.

Somehow the combination of finasteride and the haircut have me feeling pretty happy about my hair. I don't know how much my hair is actually filling out with the finasteride, but it seems to be, and if it's not there's a sort of placebo effect where I know that I have taken this small step toward actively aligning my body with my gender.

[update as of posting: It seems that my breasts are growing on finasteride. I’m not concerned about it yet, but am wondering if others have had that effect while taking finasteride and nothing else.]

I've said before, several times, that I will proceed slowly with transition, whatever course that takes. And that's what I'm doing.

The benefits of all this are primarily psychological--I feel more confident expressing myself, more firm in my sense of self. It's as if I'm finally asserting myself as a person of value in the world. That's kinda crazy, because I think developmentally that's something a lot, if not most, people (or men at least...?) do much earlier in life.

I feel like I'm taking responsibility for who I am. That's a good and empowering feeling.

[Charlize]

Thank you for posting. Sorry the site was down. It has been difficult for many and problems may continue for a bit. I have to agree that self acceptance is one of the most important elements of transition. We all have both masculine and feminine aspects. Simply accepting both can make life so much more peaceful.

I never had Finisteride alone so i can't speak of it effect. I know i'm still bald as a coot. I'm a bit envious of your haircut even though my wig gets many compliments.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest cerise]

Thank you for your posting and the names of those 2 books. I am looking for reading along those lines.

Hugs

Cerise

[Guest Raya]

Hi Charlotte, good to see you again! I'm glad to hear about the acceptance working for you- I've said before that the de-stressing from acceptance allowed my hair to start coming back.

I'm hoping to start Finasteride after my next endo appointment in 2 weeks, I had a lot of hair loss, but I'm hopeful. And oral biotin seems to be helping also.

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Thanks y'all.

Cerise, a little more about the books. I would recommend reading Women's Ways of Knowing first, or if you only read one, read that one. In A Different Voice is really good, but more abstract and sometimes felt repetitive. It's a work of theory based on small-sample psychological studies. My favorite part of it was the concreteness of women's answers to questions, their voices relating and reflecting on their experiences. Women's Ways takes a somewhat different approach and builds on Gilligan's work. Instead of traditional psychological research studies, Women's Ways takes a collection of more open interviews with women and looks deeply into them. But I'm splitting hairs and that's simply my personal preference; really they're more similar than they are different. I found both books insightful and affirming and hope that you do, too.

[Guest cerise]

Thank you Charlotte, I live quite close to Vancouver's Spiritual book store and will check there first. It's a block away and always a pleasant experiance wandering the isles. Part of this I feel is a new way of thinking as well and visualizing myself as a women or how I would be as a woman. I picked up some Sufi poetry books there and feel if there is one thing a woman is, it's the embodiment of love.

Hugs

Cerise.