On becoming Kimberly.....

[KimberlyC]

Hi everyone. It’s been a bit over a week since I joined the group here, and I’ve been doing a lot of reading since then. I thought it’s time that I put my story out there in the hope that verbalizing it with others (besides my counselor) and maybe getting some input from some of you, will help me to see things as clearly as possible. I remember that from a very young age that I was always more comfortable around women. I felt much more at ease talking with them and I felt like I had more in common with them as opposed to men. I would much rather hang out with the girls than the boys. I knew early on that I would rather be a girl, but I also knew that those kinds of thoughts or feelings could never be talked about openly. This was the 1950’s, 1960’s (I'm 59 now), and in the world I grew up in boys just did not talk about anything like that. I made it through elementary school ok. When I got to high school it got tougher. I found myself attracted to girls, but much of my attraction was more like a fascination. I loved everything about them and it was still easier for me to relate to them. I was just fascinated by how they looked, and smelled. I was so curious about what it would be like to be accepted as part of their world. I was so confused. I eventually met a beautiful girl and got married. Unfortunately we grew apart and split up after some years. For the next two or three years, I spent most of my time outside of work dressed. I was going out a lot, and having a great time. I felt like I was much freer than I had ever been, but there was still something wrong. I ended up getting married again. I came out to my wife very early on and she also was ok with it - to a point. Fast forward about 20 years…I am now divorced again. Since we split up (about 5 years ago), my youngest daughter who was about 15 at the time, has been living with me. And for the past 5 years I have been focused on being a single dad and having to start my life over again. Any desire to dress or in any way be feminine has been denied. Until recently. One night I was home alone and it hit me. While I knew all my life that I would rather be a woman, this time it was different. It felt new. It was uncontrollable. For the first time in my life I realized and accepted that I am transsexual. Within two days I made an appointment with a counselor. She is turning out to be great and I hope to stay with her for a long time. My goal now is to start HRT as soon as possible. But I would really like to know why all of this hit me as hard as it did, and why so all-of-a-sudden? The ride is just beginning....

Kim

[Guest Opal]

Hi Kim,

Others can explain it far better than I can, but the sudden, hard hitting feeling sure sounds like gender dysphoria. It was suppressed, but then circumstances caused it to come about with a vengeance.

I am pushing 58, so I can somewhat relate, although I was not able to interact much with other females my age.

Huggs,

Opal

[VickySGV]

In less than a week I will be 68 years old, and a week later, have my 3rd anniversary of my GCS. I would dare say that you are going through a whole slug of what happened to me, but luckily so far have not tried to medicate the Gender Dysphoria out of yourself the way I did with alcohol.

I did the single Dad thing as well, and it is one good way to stuff the gender feelings into a can for a while, especially with daughters, although to some degree you get a vicarious teen-hood from raising one through that time (I had two daughters and one son that were dumped on me by their mother as they entered their teens.) It was when the last one hit 18+ that my GD started kicking me up hill and down dale. Even then I had other elder family members who put the brakes on me, but when they died I really got beat up by it. I began HRT at 61 and had my GCS a week after I was 65, so you see how fast things can go. I have no regrets for what I have done, but do have some questions every now and then if I needed to go as far as I did, but so far it resolves itself by saying yes I did but others need to make their own decisions without my egging them on. Your story and mine are similar, but each one of us has our own.

[KimberlyC]

Hi Kim,

Others can explain it far better than I can, but the sudden, hard hitting feeling sure sounds like gender dysphoria. It was suppressed, but then circumstances caused it to come about with a vengeance.

I am pushing 58, so I can somewhat relate, although I was not able to interact much with other females my age.

Huggs,

Opal

Thanks, Opal!

[KimberlyC]

In less than a week I will be 68 years old, and a week later, have my 3rd anniversary of my GCS. I would dare say that you are going through a whole slug of what happened to me, but luckily so far have not tried to medicate the Gender Dysphoria out of yourself the way I did with alcohol.

I did the single Dad thing as well, and it is one good way to stuff the gender feelings into a can for a while, especially with daughters, although to some degree you get a vicarious teen-hood from raising one through that time (I had two daughters and one son that were dumped on me by their mother as they entered their teens.) It was when the last one hit 18+ that my GD started kicking me up hill and down dale. Even then I had other elder family members who put the brakes on me, but when they died I really got beat up by it. I began HRT at 61 and had my GCS a week after I was 65, so you see how fast things can go. I have no regrets for what I have done, but do have some questions every now and then if I needed to go as far as I did, but so far it resolves itself by saying yes I did but others need to make their own decisions without my egging them on. Your story and mine are similar, but each one of us has our own.

HI Vicky - I've been lucky in that I've never felt the need to turn to "self medication" of any kind (not that I'm above having a drink every now and then!). I may have some questions for you as I go forward. My biggest concern is for my daughters. I've always been very close to both of them and I don't want to do anything to hurt them.

Thanks,

Kim

[Guest Mickey]

And this is what it means to have your bell rung. We all have them, I believe. In my case it was rung when I spent 5 days in the cardiac unit of one of our local hospitals. After that I spent every waking moment pursuing the things I needed so that I could transition. Welcome to the club.

[KimberlyC]

And this is what it means to have your bell rung. We all have them, I believe. In my case it was rung when I spent 5 days in the cardiac unit of one of our local hospitals. After that I spent every waking moment pursuing the things I needed so that I could transition. Welcome to the club.

Hi Carla, and thank you! I have to admit that one of the scary things for me about transitioning is something you said - I want to spend every waking moment reading, learning, talking, and thinking about my life ahead. The problem is I still have to deal with work and other commitments. It's going to be hard to stay focused.

[Guest Kenna Dixon]

Hi, Kim. Thanks for sharing your story.

I was also a single parent of two for about nine years. It started in the late 70s, when I was nowhere near figuring out where I perched on the gender self-identity spectrum. I was still deep into stereotypical male role-playing. But when their mother left, I immediately felt comfortable with the idea of taking care of them by myself.

In my innocence (and ignorance), I attributed that feeling of confidence to my "feminine side" without understanding that it was the real me coming into play.

[KimberlyC]

Hi, Kim. Thanks for sharing your story.

I was also a single parent of two for about nine years. It started in the late 70s, when I was nowhere near figuring out where I perched on the gender self-identity spectrum. I was still deep into stereotypical male role-playing. But when their mother left, I immediately felt comfortable with the idea of taking care of them by myself.

In my innocence (and ignorance), I attributed that feeling of confidence to my "feminine side" without understanding that it was the real me coming into play.

Hi Kenna,

What you said about the "real me coming into play" is for me at least, very powerful and gives me a lot to think about. Thank you!

Kim

[TrueSelf]

Hi Kim,

I found myself (again once more) in so many things you described, especially your childhood and youth experiences. Yes, I do have to agree that you can suppress it a long time or live your "feminine side" every now and then one way or the other. For me it was a neverending circle of a craving, living it (in secret), feeeling guilty and/or ashamed afterwards, putting things away (literally: throwing stuff out that I sometimes "dared" to buy then) and denying all until everything started again from the beginning. At some point, which is not too long ago, I couldn´t control it anymore. I mean, I can´t because even the thought of not allowing my real self to be makes me sad while since I admit it and deal with it I often feel a happiness like an inner laughter shining out from me in a smile.

Just like you I still have a long way to go where I don´t even know how far and where to. All I know for now is I will never ever lock myself up again.

[Guest]

That sudden urgency smash-up without being overly simplistic is the meaning about hitting the gender wall.

For most of us older ones (I'm in your same age zip code. Giggle), it is very long time coming. That is just a neuance of gender dysphoria. I played hide and seek with her, she always won, then I always ran away from her, I longed to be her. She caught me, she is me and I will never forsake her. Womanhood is the best thing in my life.

What ever relationship she has with him in your life, I hope for you complete happiness and wholeness. Hug. JodyAnn

[bobbisue]

Kim your story sounds very similar to my own as i am also at tre begging of this ride I have little advice but loads of empathy be good to yourself and hold on tight it could be quite a ride

bobbisue

[KimberlyC]

Hi Kim,

I found myself (again once more) in so many things you described, especially your childhood and youth experiences. Yes, I do have to agree that you can suppress it a long time or live your "feminine side" every now and then one way or the other. For me it was a neverending circle of a craving, living it (in secret), feeeling guilty and/or ashamed afterwards, putting things away (literally: throwing stuff out that I sometimes "dared" to buy then) and denying all until everything started again from the beginning. At some point, which is not too long ago, I couldn´t control it anymore. I mean, I can´t because even the thought of not allowing my real self to be makes me sad while since I admit it and deal with it I often feel a happiness like an inner laughter shining out from me in a smile.

Just like you I still have a long way to go where I don´t even know how far and where to. All I know for now is I will never ever lock myself up again.

Hi Sonja,

It is amazing how similar our stories, and I'm sure the stories of many others here, really are. Keep smiling!

Kim

[KimberlyC]

That sudden urgency smash-up without being overly simplistic is the meaning about hitting the gender wall.

For most of us older ones (I'm in your same age zip code. Giggle), it is very long time coming. That is just a neuance of gender dysphoria. I played hide and seek with her, she always won, then I always ran away from her, I longed to be her. She caught me, she is me and I will never forsake her. Womanhood is the best thing in my life.

What ever relationship she has with him in your life, I hope for you complete happiness and wholeness. Hug. JodyAnn

Hi JodyAnn,

I just love the way you put that. And thank you so much for your kind wishes! I hope that all of us find that complete happiness!

Kim

Kim

[KimberlyC]

Kim your story sounds very similar to my own as i am also at tre begging of this ride I have little advice but loads of empathy be good to yourself and hold on tight it could be quite a ride

bobbisue

Thanks, BobbiSue. I have a feeling you're right about that ride!

Kim

[Guest]

Clickety clack, hear the chain grind. Feel the pull of transition, nearly vertical straight up in fear. Over the top to a wonderful rush we plunge.

We scream with tears of joy and adrenaline, blasting along in at lightning speed. Over the dips and around to new curves. Will we die? We feel so free to fly, yet clamped firmly into mother womanhood. It seems almost endless.

On and on we go, it seems a little calmer now. What is that wonderful colors of lights and beauty we have never seen before? It's a platform, as we brake to a stop.

A well dressed gentleman opens the clasp bar, he looks so familiar, have we seen him before? He softly says "Please step to the right Ladies. Watch your step and welcome home!"

Hug. JodyAnn

[KimberlyC]

Clickety clack, hear the chain grind. Feel the pull of transition, nearly vertical straight up in fear. Over the top to a wonderful rush we plunge.

We scream with tears of joy and adrenaline, blasting along in at lightning speed. Over the dips and around to new curves. Will we die? We feel so free to fly, yet clamped firmly into mother womanhood. It seems almost endless.

On and on we go, it seems a little calmer now. What is that wonderful colors of lights and beauty we have never seen before? It's a platform, as we brake to a stop.

A well dressed gentleman opens the clasp bar, he looks so familiar, have we seen him before? He softly says "Please step to the right Ladies. Watch your step and welcome home!"

Hug. JodyAnn

So well said, Jody! But....I'm deathly afraid of roller coasters!

[Guest]

You'll be fine. We've got you. No hurling unless you're in the last car alone. LOL! BTW avoid the cotton candy. Giggle. Hug. JodyAnn

[KimberlyC]

You'll be fine. We've got you. No hurling unless you're in the last car alone. LOL! BTW avoid the cotton candy. Giggle. Hug. JodyAnn

You're awesome Jody, thanks! (but i wouldn't expect anything less from someone that plays a fiesta red strat! )