ima 15 year old boy who is just confused

[kirito]

It started when I was a kid I always imagined being a girl even having dreams about becoming a girl through magic not fantasies. dreamz... I was young don't judge lol. So that was from 9 to 12 when I was young I was so much like a boy because I thought I was one and I remember I used to love playing play house with a girl in pre school. Also when I was 7 at Disney my mom ask if I want to get a pic with the princesses and I was acting so manly when I was younger so i said no but i still remember me thinking "i really wanted to be next to a princesses"and I was to young to understand. One time at like 11 or 12 doesn't matter i pursued my fantasy's i just thought back then i wanted a different feelings in you know deez lol. I even had long hair i just dont even exactly know why it just felt natural i cut it off when my gf told me to try a fohawk

It sounds SOOO EL STUPIDO now i rethink it but i tried to over heat my computer by leavin it on 4 a while then puttin it over my p to mess it up and make my parents to take me to a hospital and they would change me cuz my p p was messedz up. Then again I could just be telling my self that because I want to be a girl when I'm not im just sooo confused like RAWR.

Well I just forgot about my dreams and fantasies and just repressed them until now. Now I'm 15 and I'm having the same feelings as b4 but now I'm going through male pupurty its more sexual. Like I know I like girls and if I were to become one I would be a lesbian. Yet I used to be umm gay I guess you can say I didn't understand my sexuality and that went on 4 like half a year now I guess the aftermath of the iz what is happenin now. So now that I know what I like I can say that I'm mostly into women and want to be a lesbian (maybe some men). But I start to wonder could this just be a phase and fade away like b4 or is this my mental puberty and my sexual fantisy which it is my fantasy but everytime I think about my lesbian self I kinda get a weird pleasure from it.

Also I have tried and loved cross dressing. I took my sisters old clothes and first I wore them when I was in my gay period and I sent pics of me in girl clothes to attract men. Now I cross dress to picure me as a girl. And Im comfortable and I love and think I'm AMAZING dressed as a girl. I have very feminine arms legs and face for a 15 year old. All my arm leg hair moved to my dark below lol. But I wish to be a girl but I think that something's wrong like I'm trying to get some reason to just do something with my sexuality u know urg I suck at explanationzzz. The big reason I'm resenting being trans is my loved ones my parents my friends would find me as an outcast they would not recognize the original me because my gender. Especially my dad me and him are like broz. He umpires baseball side Job and he loves it so I also got hired as a umpire and we work together. We do have our differences meanin I'm always too lazy to wake up or clean. But we go out go karting or road trip. My dad is kinda the guy you sit down have a beer with and talk about life. He is always talking about his opions on life and one of his about baseball is that girls should never umpire he talks on how they are eye candy to the players and there to shy or scared to do anything that is one of my main problems becoming a girl.The more I type the more I even question everything.

First I was going to say that the more I type I feel like I'm actually a girl but then I think. What if it just goes away soon or what I'm just into it because ima teen and this is dealing with a SEXUAL prob and I find it kinky. But if I change how would my life Change. I think I would loose. My job and everyone I know and love would find me a outcast. I don't even know what kinda question I'mz asking I just need some advice on what you think is happening to me because i don't know if its really ne or just instincts or my mind telling me something. I have takenz quizez and watched a youtubing gender therapist and the problem's or signs of transgender she talked about relate to me. But what if I'm telling myself to question transgender is because I don't want harm or change to my people yes for my people why because they r my people lol. But I just need someone to tell me something to make me feel better about my sexuality I don't even understand what I'm trying to say but if there is anyone who went though what I'm going though or if you know of a therapist I can talk to in private with no one knowing.

This took a while to type like 15 min to type and think on what 2 say lol and letting others know about my problem has given me relief and confidence though it really made me think about what I should do but I think I just need some advice or someone to point me in a direction or just to tell me its okay I'm just soooo confused and barley even know what I am or what I will be

Edited January 6, 2016 by Carolyn Marie
Paragraph breaks inserted for readibility.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Kirito, and thank you for sharing your story with us. Things can be very confusing at your age, and its hard to figure out how you feel, since those feelings can change pretty quickly. If you read some of the threads in these forums, I think that will help when you see how others in your situation handled things.

You could be transgender, but then again you might not be. Until you can talk to a gender therapist, it will be hard to determine for sure. And of course that can be hard to do, having to have the cooperation of your parents. What you might do is tell your parents that you are experiencing a lot of confusion and anxiety and would like to talk to someone about it, without mentioning being trans. Hopefully they will arrange a talk with a therapist.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Jani]

Kirito I can feel your frustration. The age you' re at is hard as Carolyn suggests, with new feelings and physical changes coming on fast and furiously.

You could be transgender, but then again you might not be. Until you can talk to a gender therapist, it will be hard to determine for sure. And of course that can be hard to do, having to have the cooperation of your parents. What you might do is tell your parents that you are experiencing a lot of confusion and anxiety and would like to talk to someone about it, without mentioning being trans. Hopefully they will arrange a talk with a therapist.

I agree talking to your parents would be a good start. You don't have to say you're questioning your gender, just that you need to talk to someone to help gain some focus in your life like a counselor.

BTW: It's OK to not know who you are or where you're headed at this time of your life. It's a time for questioning and exploring. It's OK, and in the end you'll discover the real you.

Jani

[Guest Clair Dufour]

There is no one answer as it is different for each person and in each state and local. Fortunatly, your

in a good state as things go. As usual, I did a web search of location, for TG support, and your state

is one of the best I have seen yet. http://equalitymaryland.org/trans-resources/While still not as

much as we wish its still a good start and can get you specific answers to your questions.

[Guest Raya]

Hi Kirito, and welcome!

You are doing a great job being honest with yourself and trying to figure yourself out. Please keep it safe, learning at places like this or a counselor or trusted peers. (my life nose dived at 14 when I ran away with a much older creep so I could be the wife. It set my real transition back like 35 years)

Keep it real, and enjoy the journey!

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's Kirito. When i arrived at Laura's i was a 60+ year old looking for some answers. I was also confused. Reading what others were experiencing and posting about my own experiences helped me understood my own path.

Hope you enjoy both your journey and your time here as i have done.

Hugs