Not exactly a Biography

[Guest Robin Winter]

Ok, this is the first chance I've had to really get into this since I came back.

Some of you know me. I was under the name Shilo until yesterday. This name fits better, it's MY name, not legally yet, but it will be. When I left this site about 3 years ago, I had a lot going on. I was in the middle of being tested for Cancer and I was scared to death. Thankfully, the tests came back negative, but I lost so many family members to the type of cancer if I was being tested for, and I was experiencing many of the signs, I had already dug my grave in my head.

My marriage was also suffering, not because of lack of love, but we both have our demons and our battles, and it was hard.

I've spent the last 3 years trying to find something to hang on to. I got into some hobbies, jewellery mostly, and it has helped keep my mind busy, but it still wasn't enough. I had episodes where I would lose myself, lost control. It was like being someone else, someone who wasn't very nice, someone who didn't want to exist, I didn't feel human. This hasn't been only for the past 3 years, but lets call it a starting point after a lifetime battle, a start to where I am now.

We came close to divorce a few times...I don't even want to think about that. But she stuck by me...through everything. I don't know why. I kept promising to get help, but when I would go back to that place, I didn't want help...I loathed everything. The only thing that kept me going many days was my daughter. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. She was the one light that passed through my cloud.

A few months ago...I attempted suicide. It was something of an ignorant attempt, no planning, no research, I really didn't know what would happen, but I didn't care. I slept on the couch so my wife wouldn't wake up next to a body.

That really shook me...after that I made myself get help. The shame of what I'd almost done was too much, and I finally did it. I was as open and honest as I could be, and I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder. Finding out you have a serious mental illness is scary....but at the same time there was a measure of peace as a lot of things started to make sense. And when you have a name for your devil you can begin to build a tool set to start fixing things, beginning with learning to recognize genuine feelings from episodes. So that's starting to happen, I'm beginning to recognize episodes related to my illness. I haven't perfected fighting it off yet, but knowing when to walk away is a good thing.

Our relationship is healing, I find myself more in love with Beth each and every day, for everything she does for me, for staying when most wouldn't, for supporting me, holding me when I need it, for everything that she is.

It's like being in a pit your whole life, and finally finding that first handhold to begin the long climb out. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

[Guest Edu]

Welcome back! I'm glad to see you back.

We all have our demons to fight, but remember that you don't have to fight alone. I can see from your post that you have your loving wife and daughter by your side, yet you can also count on us for support if you need it ;-)

Big hugs,

Edu

[Guest Robin Winter]

<3

[JJ]

Very glad to see you back Robin

Many of us here have fought demons and walked in darkness and while each of us has their own unique story we also can empathize with what you have been through and rejoice with you in getting a handle on fighting those demons.

Also glad to hear that you and your wife are seeing each other through your battles. After a suicide attempt before I knew I was pregnant I vowed not to attempt again as long as my child was still in school and needed me. It's the only reason I lived through those years I am certain. And I applaud you for getting help. It will mean you can be there for your daughter who needs you.

Welcome back!

Johnny

[Guest Robin Winter]

Thank you Johnny *hugs* Feels good to be back, I didn't realize how much I missed it here.

[AllisonGenesis]

As someone without a relationship, I can't begin to imagine how it must be coming out in your situation, especially with everything else you've been through.

But it's great to hear you're in a better situation now - everyone deserves to be happy, and I hope you keep getting better.

[Guest Opal]

Welcome back, Robin!

Huggs,

Opal