Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Jennifer T

Acolyte

Recommended Posts

Jennifer T

Wrote this a long time ago, looking at the bottle:

"Acolyte

Consider the bottle

Deceptive, ephemeral;

Enticing

Inviting redemption.

Who inhabits the chapel of the lost?

Who visits the tabernacle of the tormented?

And hears the dirge of the depraved?

In aqueous requiem I sang the psalm of the inebriated

And offered approbation at the gilded altar of Neon.

Now in corpulent solitude I contemplate

And proffer penance for the iniquity of the inane

And lifting the chalice of the profane

I seal my discipleship...

- Jennifer T, May 23, 2003

Share this post


Link to post
Charlize

I like this poem. It is quite powerful for me.

One of the names of that which inhabits the bottle i once esteemed was "spirits". Relaxation and a feeling of spirituality often went with my surrender to the bottle. That was part of the appeal. It offered me that at first. Slowly while the promise remained the reality changed and i was a slave. The constant promise ended only with pain. Deceptive is a great descriptor. I also ended up solitary, and in my case wallowing in pain.

Hugs,

Charlize

Share this post


Link to post
Guest Raya

Jennifer, I love it.

Inviting redemption, indeed. But not delivering! Hateful cheat.

Share this post


Link to post
Jennifer T

Thank you Charlize and Raya. Oh yes, I recognize the deception. But it is, for me, a necessary mechanism at this time. It will not always be so.

Peace this day.

Share this post


Link to post
vannaaa

Not sure why but when i read it , it made me think of

Time in a bottle by Jim Croce

Great song :superman:

:ThanxSmiley:

:thumbsup:

:wub: vanna

Share this post


Link to post
Jennifer T

I doubt my poem is what Croce meant in his lyrics, but I am honored, Vanna! :-)

Glad to see you here.

Share this post


Link to post
Jennifer T

Thank you Charlize and Raya. Oh yes, I recognize the deception. But it is, for me, a necessary mechanism at this time. It will not always be so.

Peace this day.

I do not have it within me to change the world. Difficult enough for me to change myself. There may be deception in the bottle, but it is one that I can recognize and face head on. This world, on the other hand, is cruel and relentless in it's persecution of those it deems 'different'. It smiles at you one moment and punches you in the back of the head when you walk away. This is the greater deception.

Share this post


Link to post
Charlize

Jennifer i certainly agree i can't change the world. I have plenty to in living life day to day. The bottle helped me for years to deal with problems that i couldn't face. They were my problems, not the worlds. Oblivion seemed to help but in the end even that barely touched the difficulties. Fortunately i've found support and love in the process of finding sobriety. Slowly i'm finding peace within myself. The bottle can still call but i've learned that if i handle my addiction first other difficulties can be tackled. With help nobody can get to your back to give you the punch you mentioned.

I've grown to love the statement.....I've got your back. I almost understand that now.

Hugs,

Charlize

Share this post


Link to post
Jennifer T

Hi Charlize, I do recognize what problems are mine. This TG thing is my issue, not the world's. All my personal issues and the way I may or may not respond to them are mine. I have never blamed the world or anyone in particular for those things. I accept responsibility for everything that has happened to me in this life.

However, what I do allow the 'world' responsibility for is it's persistent inhumanity and brutality towards itself. When I see or hear about such things, it breaks me.

I 'retreated' from the world many years ago. I function within it and do what I must to exist. It, or the people in it, have in one way or another rejected me time and time again. Fine, I accept that I'm different. That's my issue, not theirs. But I cannot keep getting hurt like that. It doesn't 'have my back'. I learned at a very young age that it was up to me to protect my own back. And I've been keeping 'Jennifer' safe from all this crap for 50 years. "T" can take the punches and walk away from the world and drink the drink when he needs to. 'T' has stood face to face with many opponents in and out of the ring for years. 'T' can fight. 'T' has Jennifer's back. 'T' is the only human who has ever had 'Jennifer's' back. And no human has ever had 'T's' back.

In my sphere, Charlize, I've put my own welfare on the line for others many times throughout my life. But it's never reciprocated. If I need help, it's up to 'T'. This isn't a 'poor me' thing. I'm very thankful that God has afforded me the ability to do these things. But I cannot comprehend another 'having my back'.

I'm sorry if this is all old hat. Today, I hurt.

Peace.

Share this post


Link to post
Guest

I'm sorry you are hurt and it's never old hat.

Share this post


Link to post
Jennifer T

Thank you JodyAnn. And you too Charlize. My words were not meant to be a rebuttal of what you offered; but rather an explanation of how I see a difficult concept I culled from your words. I know none of this is easy for any of us. Truly I do.

You've crossed a river

I sit on the opposite bank

Dreaming from afar

Of making that crossing

Knowing I cannot

From your shore

The way across is decipherable

From mine, completely abstruse

Therein lies my frustration

Share this post


Link to post
Charlize

Understood Jennifer. I really like that poem by the way. It expresses beautifully the feeling i have had when faced with change. Seeing others on the opposite side helped in some ways, i knew it was possible. It gave me a goal and i started to look for a bridge. In a few cases i was desperate enough to jump in and swim across. I'm glad you are here. Perhaps it was seeing the experiences of others here that helped me make a major plunge.

Hugs,

Charlize

Share this post


Link to post

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   13 Members, 0 Anonymous, 135 Guests (See full list)

    • Aidan5
    • Kaltia_Atlas
    • Ethan da potato
    • VickySGV
    • MaryMary
    • Jocelyn
    • Jackie C.
    • KathyLauren
    • Emily Michele
    • The Viv Element
    • Mx.Drago
    • Carolyn Marie
    • Sandra6sandy9sand
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      70,864
    • Total Posts
      642,946
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      6,863
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Emma-Jane
    Newest Member
    Emma-Jane
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. luke_b
      luke_b
      (17 years old)
  • Posts

    • VickySGV
      Thank you for the information. I have wondered what the financial picture for this really is. 
    • KathyLauren
      Welcome Katie.   I am glad that your wife considers herself a trans ally.  It is unfortunate that she is unable to deliver on that right now.   As I am sure you realize, being trans is not something that can be quashed.  We suppress it for as long as we can, and then it comes to the surface because it can no longer stay buried.  I hope that you and your wife are able to work things out so that you are able to express yourself however you need to.   Regards, Kathy
    • KathyLauren
      My wife went to check the mailbox today.  She got all excited when she saw a letter postmarked from Liecester, England.  But then she saw that it was addressed to her, not to me.  Just a notification that her spouse had been granted a Gender Recognition Certificate.  No sign of the actual certificate yet.
    • Carolyn Marie
      There are a lot of online resources for family and allies of trans folk.  Here's just a couple:   https://pflag.org/sites/default/files/Our Trans Loved Ones.pdf   https://www.gires.org.uk/information-and-support-for-families-of-adult-transgender-non-binary-and-non-gender-people/   https://www.glaad.org/transgender/allies   If he's willing to listen and learn, you're already far ahead on the road to understanding.  Good luck.   Carolyn Marie
    • Mx.Drago
      Makes me flinch and twitch uncontrollably, thinking bout the "those days" not so long ago but thankfully getting longer still aways enough. Like a really bad amusement park date. Best not try to repeat. Though it maybe hard if the park never closes and nobodies helpful, just stuck in the maze going in circles. Like a twilight zone episode. But so long as this refined muscle in my skull still functions, will always be thinking a ways out to greener pastures cuz everybody need just be. People do crazy cuz world ain't always for hire and it takes sanity as payment, if not always time, and has ways of somehow disappointing expectations if not constantly. Totally feeling that Sisyphus. But I'm still pushing cuz this ain't no fairytale land and "hook or by crook" I'm getting to my ways best hell with time I got left.
    • Ms Maddie
      Sorry about the loss of your coworker Emily Michelle It's afternoon.  My body clock has been off for a few days at least.  My latest HRT levels are beyond my Drs experience, and are a possible factor.   My daily coffee will be mostly decaf. Weather here is sunny and warm.  Shorts.
    • Mmindy
      Welcome Kathrynn, I'm new here as well and in therapy for a whole host of things, mostly to figure out my Transgender issues that have been in my life since a very young age. Everyone that I've encountered here have been very helpful and supportive.   Best wishes,   Mindy🐛🌈🦋
    • Mmindy
      NB Adult, About moving on, there's a quote that helps me. "When moving through life, remember there is a reason why your windshield is so large and the rear view mirror is so small." -Unknown Sometimes my windshield is fogged over, but fellowship with others in a similar experience, chaplain, or counselor helps me move on as well.   Best wishes, stay positive, and safe   Mindy🐛🌈🦋
    • Mx.Drago
      👍May fortune favor the bold and willing spirit. Just be there like normal and grow with him. The best thing is to support eachother and take your time building the basic foundations you both will need to maintain that support and comfort in happiness. Might not always work out, but if you care, you do what you can, as best you can. Just be sure not to in all excitement forget he still there, still freaking out while trying to be stoic. I'm looking at my own example, and he gets stuck being stoic while freaking out, forgetting to solve the problem so he stops freaking out, so to move on to more important things. Freaking out is a part of the exceptence, in my opinion. It's not fun but necessary to let your minds explore important questions for both your sanities sake. It's ok to freak out just not over do it, there is always uncertainty when the questions pour in, slow, deep breathes forward together. Life gives no garrantee but offers possibilities, you just need to make it more probable. But by being there with him, in affirmation helps, just be patient. It's not always easy, probably won't ever be but I wish you both the best, and that your journey be easy and safe.  
    • Kaltia_Atlas
      Ive read that article. One of the biggest issues with doing a UTx in trans women is the transferance of the vaginal tissues. Some of the tissue is not viable from living donors. And the neovagina from the penile tissue has not been verified successful.    Gene therapy would come into play by deactivating Dmrt1 and allowing Foxl2 to activate to fill in those gaps that the neovagina cannot do on its own. Also, it would help to "reform" the vaginal area and help it heal into what the front/bottom area should be after surgery.   At the least, that is what ive gathered from my research
    • Mmindy
      That's good KayC, My wife still doesn't know all of the reasons I started therapy, however she was comforting when she realized I spent most of the day last Tuesday crying. She suspects it's because of a PTSD flare up, and business stress, I have a hot delivery deadline coming up. I'm currently in an online waiting room as I type this response. My wife and I always eat lunch together when I'm in town. Today I asked her not to come home for lunch so I could have a privet session with my counselor. I told her I don't mind is she sees me crying, I just don't want her to know why I'm crying just yet. Her response was Awwwa, okay I'll see you tonight.   >HUGS<   Mindy🐛🌈🦋
    • NB Adult
      Bottom line is that everyone has the choice of allowing all the abuse and failures of the past to continue to haunt them in the present or of moving on! I know, many like to continue to bathe in self pity but it only serves to put a shunt in the forward momentum of their current lives and fog up their vision of the future they are wishing for.   I was in a war once and took the lives of others, even one of our own. I could remain sad, depressed and bitter but instead opted to put that chapter in my rear view mirror and I'm better off for it.
    • Dearhart
      This is something I've thought of since puberty. I've long since wished I could "copy and paste" the whole ovary, uterus, vagina system into my body, cause not being able to bear children is really the sole source of my gender dysphoria comes from.    I'm not sure how gene therapy would play into it, but i know it's doable.    https://obgyn.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/1471-0528.15438
    • Mx.Drago
      Oh, also forgot to mention, I changed my keycaps, again. In the pictures above are part of my custom SA set I picked up after getting the board. The market for custom keycaps is oddly strangely similar to pogs, except far more expensive cuz they only are done in runs mostly through a group buys that are then sent to be made where ever factory be and some get really artsy.
    • BrandiBri
      Welcome to TransPulse Kathrynn! I am sorry that your wife is not supportive. It seems that although she is an ally, that when it hits home then it becomes a different matter. My wife not only did not support the LGBTQ community, but refused to allow my crossdressing. I was prepared to go to my grave with this secret, but she died in 2016. after that, rather than taking things slowly I took off like the hare, rather than slowly like the tortoise. We all have to move at our own speed and make sure that we are safe as we move ahead in our own personal journey. I wish you the best of luck, not only with finding yourself, dealing with your wife's transition (yes, she is going through her own transition, even if she doesn't know it), but also these uncertain times.   Hugs from my fortress in Lincoln, Brandi
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...