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Acolyte


Jennifer T

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Wrote this a long time ago, looking at the bottle:

"Acolyte

Consider the bottle

Deceptive, ephemeral;

Enticing

Inviting redemption.

Who inhabits the chapel of the lost?

Who visits the tabernacle of the tormented?

And hears the dirge of the depraved?

In aqueous requiem I sang the psalm of the inebriated

And offered approbation at the gilded altar of Neon.

Now in corpulent solitude I contemplate

And proffer penance for the iniquity of the inane

And lifting the chalice of the profane

I seal my discipleship...

- Jennifer T, May 23, 2003

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I like this poem. It is quite powerful for me.

One of the names of that which inhabits the bottle i once esteemed was "spirits". Relaxation and a feeling of spirituality often went with my surrender to the bottle. That was part of the appeal. It offered me that at first. Slowly while the promise remained the reality changed and i was a slave. The constant promise ended only with pain. Deceptive is a great descriptor. I also ended up solitary, and in my case wallowing in pain.

Hugs,

Charlize

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Thank you Charlize and Raya. Oh yes, I recognize the deception. But it is, for me, a necessary mechanism at this time. It will not always be so.

Peace this day.

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  • 5 weeks later...
  • 2 months later...
Jennifer T

I doubt my poem is what Croce meant in his lyrics, but I am honored, Vanna! :-)

Glad to see you here.

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Jennifer T

Thank you Charlize and Raya. Oh yes, I recognize the deception. But it is, for me, a necessary mechanism at this time. It will not always be so.

Peace this day.

I do not have it within me to change the world. Difficult enough for me to change myself. There may be deception in the bottle, but it is one that I can recognize and face head on. This world, on the other hand, is cruel and relentless in it's persecution of those it deems 'different'. It smiles at you one moment and punches you in the back of the head when you walk away. This is the greater deception.

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Jennifer i certainly agree i can't change the world. I have plenty to in living life day to day. The bottle helped me for years to deal with problems that i couldn't face. They were my problems, not the worlds. Oblivion seemed to help but in the end even that barely touched the difficulties. Fortunately i've found support and love in the process of finding sobriety. Slowly i'm finding peace within myself. The bottle can still call but i've learned that if i handle my addiction first other difficulties can be tackled. With help nobody can get to your back to give you the punch you mentioned.

I've grown to love the statement.....I've got your back. I almost understand that now.

Hugs,

Charlize

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Jennifer T

Hi Charlize, I do recognize what problems are mine. This TG thing is my issue, not the world's. All my personal issues and the way I may or may not respond to them are mine. I have never blamed the world or anyone in particular for those things. I accept responsibility for everything that has happened to me in this life.

However, what I do allow the 'world' responsibility for is it's persistent inhumanity and brutality towards itself. When I see or hear about such things, it breaks me.

I 'retreated' from the world many years ago. I function within it and do what I must to exist. It, or the people in it, have in one way or another rejected me time and time again. Fine, I accept that I'm different. That's my issue, not theirs. But I cannot keep getting hurt like that. It doesn't 'have my back'. I learned at a very young age that it was up to me to protect my own back. And I've been keeping 'Jennifer' safe from all this crap for 50 years. "T" can take the punches and walk away from the world and drink the drink when he needs to. 'T' has stood face to face with many opponents in and out of the ring for years. 'T' can fight. 'T' has Jennifer's back. 'T' is the only human who has ever had 'Jennifer's' back. And no human has ever had 'T's' back.

In my sphere, Charlize, I've put my own welfare on the line for others many times throughout my life. But it's never reciprocated. If I need help, it's up to 'T'. This isn't a 'poor me' thing. I'm very thankful that God has afforded me the ability to do these things. But I cannot comprehend another 'having my back'.

I'm sorry if this is all old hat. Today, I hurt.

Peace.

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Jennifer T

Thank you JodyAnn. And you too Charlize. My words were not meant to be a rebuttal of what you offered; but rather an explanation of how I see a difficult concept I culled from your words. I know none of this is easy for any of us. Truly I do.

You've crossed a river

I sit on the opposite bank

Dreaming from afar

Of making that crossing

Knowing I cannot

From your shore

The way across is decipherable

From mine, completely abstruse

Therein lies my frustration

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Understood Jennifer. I really like that poem by the way. It expresses beautifully the feeling i have had when faced with change. Seeing others on the opposite side helped in some ways, i knew it was possible. It gave me a goal and i started to look for a bridge. In a few cases i was desperate enough to jump in and swim across. I'm glad you are here. Perhaps it was seeing the experiences of others here that helped me make a major plunge.

Hugs,

Charlize

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