Introduction to me

[Leo2804]

Hello, my birth name is Alair but I rather go by Leo. For 21 years I have been pretending to be a female considering that was my assigned sex at birth. Since I began reading all about this I have come to realize quite a few things I have kept suppressed for a long time. One of those things is that I am more than likely an FTM (female to male). Since I started reading all about this I have come to a conclusion that throughout my entire life I have been suppressing my male identity in a world where there are only two genders and in a family that is the more traditional type family. My family and I are a Hispanic family so it goes like this: females have to stay at home and cook, clean and run errands for their husbands; males have to work and make money. Although I am without a father (my mom and my step dad divorced about 3-4 years ago. ) I know I am not a female mostly because I have absolutely no interest in any female stereotypical things: dolls, houses, wearing dresses, make up, hair-styling, etc. I prefer more male stereotypical things: remote control cars, planes, toy cars in general, video games, etc. In online gaming I am usually a guy and actually act like the guy I am, in real life I have to pretend to be a female because I know my family wound't approve of it. More about me is that I am an animal lover: prefer cats to dogs, but love them both either way. I have three cats back at home (I am also a college student living on campus.), I am a writer, and when it comes to that I have realized I would prefer to write in the perceptive of a guy rather than that of a female. I hate being female in everything, including games and my stories, but sometimes I have to deal with it. I will admit, being a girl all the time has lead me to have a rather clingy boyfriend, but in all honesty, what he feels for me is something I do not feel for him. I believe this may be because my male identity is finally deciding to come out rather than stay suppressed like all these years. I am still in that stage where it doesn't want to fully come out, mostly because my family would definitely disapprove of this no matter how many times I have told them I would rather be a guy to a girl and all of that. I am a dependent person on my mom, so money and all that comes from my mom and she would most certainly not approve the fact I am tempted of wearing my clothes (guy clothes), although I have, for pretty much my entire life, worn more neutral clothing (t-shirts, jeans). I hate dresses with a passion and hate the color pink with as much passion. Well that is pretty much a little about me and my feelings about all this. Thanks for reading.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Leo,

Welcome to Laura's playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

MaryEllen

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Leo. It can be difficult in a situation such as yours. You cannot move too fast along the path that you might want to go, and have to wait. But waiting is not such a terrible thing. The time will come when you can explore your feelings, and your options, more openly.

We have some great guys around here who can answer your questions, and we ladies can answer quite a few, too. I look forward to seeing more of your posts.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Jani]

Hello Leo,

Welcome and thank you for your introductory post.

As Carolyn suggests it can be difficult particularly in a family and life situation as yours. You might have to wait until you're fully independent to move down the path you choose but that may not be a bad thing. The support you receive now is important and getting your education is doubly so. Transitioning is expensive so a good job is bonus. Waiting is not such a terrible thing. Many of us discovered our selfs, or were "brave enough" (as they say) to come out later in life. I'm one of them who after many years is finally living happily. Bide your time by learning about who you are and building confidence in yourself. You can also determine what direction you'll go relative to boyfriend or girlfriend relationships. Use this time to explore! And enjoy yourself.

Hugs, Jani

[Charlize]

Welcome Leo. Sharing here and reading the shares of others helped me find and accept myself. it sounds like you may be in a position in which you will need to wait a bit to finish your education. Many of us face difficulties that make us wait to transition. Sharing the frustration and then triumphs as well with others who understand made my journey much easier.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Raya]

Hi Leo, and welcome!

There's lots of other guys to pal around with here, and at least one older lady who is glad you stopped by. So check it out, and start working out that mental transition while you wait to get out on your own.

[Guest KerryUK]

Welcome Leo,

My friends here have already said everything I would say. I will say that here you are amongst friends who understand.

Kerry

[Leo2804]

I understand and since money is an issue with the family I have, what do you suggest I do while at the same time transition(rather slowly I might add) and still go to school without so much as a focus in my money problems? I am hoping to get a job soon at school, so I can start doing more, but for now, what can I do to make myself a little better and how I can try and present myself as the guy I am? It will be subtle but it will hopefully help me out a bit. what would be the best route to start? I am no longer in a relationship which is a huge relief on my side and the only times I see my family are on the Weekends from Friday to early Sunday afternoon, depending on the weather of course.