A bit more about Rylie

[Rylie M]

Hi I'm a 34 year old pre everything male that identifies as male to female transgender. As of yet I do not identify as female or publicly present as one that's still around a year off. Here is a bit of a background on me much of it is said but I'm not looking for a pity party my past is just that and I'm not ashamed of most of it. I won't go into complete detail about my life there's aspects I've never told anyone nor do I tend to.

I was born June 4th 1981 as Steven Paul Mitchell with a small defect my right hip was out of place. It was fixed mostly I swear my right leg seems longer plus on occasion I get sharp pains there they never last long and are rare. I was a semi typical male child as far as I know other than being behind mentally I couldn't walk till almost 5 or talk in a complete sentence until around the age of 6. Our home movies do have me dancing and singing along to Michael Jackson with my younger sister and one of my cousins other than that I remember playing with my sister allot. I did suffer 3 instances of head trauma before I was 5 and probably explains allot with my delays. They were as a infant one of my aunts was tossing me onto a couch and she missed my head hit a coffee table most likely she was drunk she's still a alcoholic to this day, I don't know when but the next instance was a bit later on I bumped our coffee table and knocked a glass ashtray onto my head breaking it and lodging a small piece into my head I still have a scar, and the last one I actually do remember vaguely I was sliding down a baluster where we lived at the bottom I didn't let go then smacked my head into the balusters splitting one of my eyebrows I still have that scar and I was knocked out. My memory's pretty horrible generally speaking I can't usually remember what I had for lunch just hours after I eat (I don't eat breakfast normally so not a good analogy).

My mother and I are best friends my father and I are hot and cold. It's a rare day for me not to text my mother or us not to do anything together at least once a week. However my father and I almost never do anything together at all he was a very strict man and has mentally abused me for all of my childhood plus his discipline methods do qualify as physical abuse both then and today. He started telling me I won't amount to anything at a early age or shutting me down from activities I wanted to do physically has used a leather belt to spank me pined me to a wall lifting me by my throat with one hand sacked me in the head hard a lot and slapped me across the face hard enough to send my glasses one way and me another. I don't blame him completely for all of it he was raised very much the same way. He stopped all this the day I enlisted in the army and today he's physically afraid of me.

I did some of the usually boy things growing up I was a cub scout and stayed with scouting until I was 22 ish. I tried to play sports well my father tried to get me to but I've never been into it to this day the only sports I participate in is just watching my local teams play. I do remember envying my sister when she went though puberty to a point and stealing her clothing particularly a few bras I would stuff em with balled up socks and sleep in them. I also envied her slightly when she joined girls scouts however only in name I loved camping and there version of camping isn't camping to me she envied me to for actually camping in tents In the scouts. Our mothers parents used to take us both camping a couple times a year mostly in the summer.

I never did well in school I was held back in 1st grade and went into special ed for the rest of my education until senior year of high school I pulled myself out being 18. I went to a trade school to be a electrician however one of the trades there I really wanted in but was scared to was cosmo the only guys in that class were gay and they got harassed a lot. I didn't consider myself transgender yet I didn't even know what it was or heard of gender dysphoria. Because of being special ed, generally weird like wearing camo almost every day (I live in central mass so camo isn't usually seen unless you're a hunter or in the service). I don't regret my decision entirely on my shop choice I've always loved working with my hands I did manage to graduate but barely I went off to the army right after.

I enlisted Into the Massachusetts Army National Guard the day I was eligible at 17 1/2 January of 1999. I had to fight like hell for this at the time I was 5'10" 210 lbs and allergic to bee stings and pretty bad scoliosis however I got my waivers. Originally as a 96b intelligence analyst however I changed my mos after my first drill to 31u signal support systems specialist. I went to basic training the summer that I graduated at Fort Jackson transferring to Fort Gordon for my ait courses. Just before basic I stopped cross dressing the desire was still there I reasoned I couldn't anymore at all. I graduated from both basic and ait without any issues however soon after I returned from ait we had a apft exam I failed the run. I tried for months after to pass however it didn't take long for me to get discharged after this. I fought like hell and was granted a honorable discharge in October of 2001. My time in was the proudest time of my life the rest of my life I've been battling depression thoughts of suicide and a few other issues.

After my time in the army I've drifted job to job never staying in one place for more than 3 years and at time like now going years without. For years ive thought I was bipolar however 2 years ago I started seeing a psychologist I didn't stick with him long but as I think about it now he woke me up to something. I had him run a battery of tests knowing that i have ADD and believing I had bipolar disorder his tests said I don't have bipolar I walked away shortly after that for other reasons I won't go into right now. I was forced to live with my parents until October of last year when my brother bought my dad's parents house after my grandmother passed. My desire to start cross dressing came back full force at this point shortly after this my life started to make sense of sorts it didn't come to me that I have gender dysphoria until i thought back to the results of that test and started watching YouTube videos/reading stories by other m2f transgender folks.

For years I've been purposely trying to kill myself indirectly by not caring for my own health, smoking cigarettes, drinking ungodly amounts of soda, and eating anything I think looks good. Today I'm working to fix all this I'm seeing a gender therapist, working out 5 days a week about to add more excises in starting tomorrow I've lost approx 14 lbs going from around 225 to 210 several inches off my gut its still huge though at 45 1/2 inches, I've stopped all soda consumption, I'm going to see a doctor in 2 weeks for a physical, to get chantix and to work out a few annoying health issues I have. I have yet to actively hunt for a real job however that's on the docket I need to get laser/electrolysis on my face, back, and chest within the year with arms, and legs at a later time. I have a epulator and it works great on my legs arms and arm pits but to use it on my chest well I think it would make a great torture device. My therapist and I agree I need to transition but my time schedule I've work out put me on hormones within the next month or 2 (I hope) and me finally presenting and living as a woman full time next year some time. My goals before hand are crucial 1) train my voice 2) learn to apply makeup and acquire the right products to look natural , unlearn how to be a guy (one of my favorite quotes I got from someone can't remember who), Get a job and electrolysis (although ill just shave every day if I have to), grow my hair out to at least my shoulders ultimately just past my shoulder blades, loose another 40 lbs with a initial target of 170 but long term 150-160.

Now towards at least my makeup goal I have a close friend she's quite a bit older than me but has a daughter who attempted cosmetology school I have talked directly to her daughter yet but she believes she will be more than willing to show me the ropes. I have come out to a few people my brother, his fiancée, my sister, her ex husband whose transitioned herself, my only friend, and a few online friends with plans to tell my mother 1 week from today however hold off on my father possibly till next year unless my mother can reassure me my father won't do anything bad. The rest of my family will be told slowly over the course of the year as I feel comfortable with them and can get them away from anyone else I don't want to tell yet. My father's side is easy were not very close and do almost nothing together but my mother side is very close we hold several get togethers every year along with see each other a lot.

I hope I can stay on track and legal become Rylie Paul Mitchell in about 1 year (my middle name is up for debate I like it but to me it just doesn't sound quite right). I have thought of other names but there's already a Stephany in my family soon to be 2 when my brother gets married this year.

[Guest KerryUK]

Hi Rylie,

Thank you for your very frank and open introduction.

I'd like to congratulate you on making such a positive start to turning your life around for the better.

On your final point, have you thought of Rylie Paula?

Kerry

[Rylie M]

That is a idea my only hesitation is my middle name is the same as my father and his father and so forth every male in my family and many females on my fathers side has paul for a middle name my sisters the only one I know of without she has the name of my great grandmother on my mother's mother side.

[Charlize]

Thank you for sharing your story with us. There is much i can relate to especially in regards to depression and gender issues.

It is difficult to share so much of oneself but i found as i worked through my addiction problems sharing openly helped me deal with my issues. Slowly the shame and fear has been falling away.

Finding a new name was kinda difficult for me as well. My wife chose my name for me and i've grown to love it.

Hugs,

Charlize