Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Doubts I'll ever come out to my S.O.


Rowan

Recommended Posts

Hi all. This is my first post here. I've been reading a lot of your posts here for awhile, and you all seem like a great support group.

I've struggled with depression for some time now, and I know that at the heart of it is my gender identity issues. Between being insanely jealous of every biological woman I see. Getting to wear the cute dresses, makeup, and just acting feminine in general. And me, hiding my true desires. I've hid them so deep, that I've over compensated. Everybody knows me as the "mans man". I'm the big, burly, hunter/fisherman.

But this hiding myself is taking its toll. The other day, my wife and I went camping. A few campsites over, there was a girl scout troop camping. I found myself getting more and more depressed that I wasn't born into that. That even if I was to transition now, that I wouldn't have the memories of growing up as a typical girl. That most of the memories I have now are of me trying to be extra manly, just to blend in. When, even when I was young,I knew that it was a farce. That I was covering and protecting myself.

I've had thoughts of sharing these feelings with my wife. But I'm afraid that just thinking about it is as far as I'll ever get. My wife loves that I'm the big, protective, and kind of hairy man. And I love her more than anything. I know that I deserve to be happy, but so does she. I make her happy as I am, and I can't find it within myself to hinder her happiness for my own. Don't get me wrong, she makes me extremely happy too. She has been a dream come true to me. It's just when I start thinking about my gender issues that I get depressed.

Sorry if I'm kind of ranting here. I didn't mean for this post to come across as such a downer. I guess I'm just hoping somebody here can relate. And sharing like this is all new to me. This is the most I've ever expressed these feelings, even though it's just words on a screen, and anonymous.

Link to comment
  • Admin

First let me welcome you to the Playground, Drufuss. I know the feelings you have; most of us here have had the same. It can seem like an unattainable dream to be the person you are and were meant to be. What seems impossible now may not always seem so.

I'm not going to tell you to tell your wife, or to steam full speed ahead at any cost. It is not my place to do so. We all have to make decisions for ourselves, and then live with those decisions, however they turn out. If possible, you could have a few sessions with a gender therapist to explore your options and to learn more about yourself. It would be a positive thing to do, and would not obligate you to go in any particular direction.

Please continue to read threads that are helpful, ask questions, and learn all you can. The more you learn, the more prepared you will be to make informed decisions.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment

Thank you Caroline. I'm definitely planning on speaking with a gender therapist. The only problem is that I live in an area where there aren't any. I may just have to speak with one via Skype or something. I've never spoken to anybody about these things, so I'm hoping that being able to say my thoughts out loud to somebody might make the idea of telling the people I care about not seem like such an impossible task. Thank you for the warm welcome. I look forward to getting to know everybody here.

Link to comment
Guest LesleyAnne

Drufuss,

I will echo what Carolyn just told you.....she is one of our wise one's here :) .

I'll just relay a little of my own experience...."man's, man"...you'll find a lot of us that fit that mold here, and for some of us.. a good part of our lives. My profile explains a little of that! I did everything in the book to be macho, tough guy. My wife and I met after I came back from Vietnam. She was invited to a medal ceremony by my niece. The medal that caught up with me once back in the states was for my fourth DFC. or as we say,,, DFC to the third oak leaf cluster. It was awarded to me (I won't go into why) for one of my memorable 154 combat missions as a gunner. Not bragging here, not something I wish to go into, but my point here is that this cute girl who didn't know me from Adam was impressed! Here's this guy getting this medal after the Commander of the base read the citation out loud while pinning it on my chest. This was what cinched the deal to a future together...she was very willing to go out with me after that when I asked her. She fell in love with this fake macho kid, and the feeling was mutual...such a sweet innocent girl!

That day created an impression of me that she used to build upon.....Tough guy, combat surviver, battle proven soldier. HA! Down deep I knew then what i've always known, and was just to Afraid to whisper it to anyone..I'm a girl!. I buried it so many times I couldn't count them all. It tortured me for 60 years, and 43 of those years while married to my sweetheart (still together but it hasn't been easy at all).

I came out to her 2 years ago....harder than any combat mission I ever flew. But for me I knew that if it didn't come out.....well lets just say I couldn't continue. It was eating me from the inside out. I was already being treated for severe PTSD, and therapy for that yanked this out of me, and things began to unravel rather quickly. I was told that I was able to keep this buried because of all the crazy stunts I've done over the years, and working constantly making a living, and keeping myself really busy. Then I was let go from my job at age 61, no one wanted to hire me, I became a lost soul. The PTSD hit full force since I couldn't keep myself busy. It all came out. Now my sons know (both very macho guys...grown with families of their own), most of my inner circle know, and I have lost friends over this as well. Life forever changed...no turning back.

Well I'm certainly living a life true to who I am now, however only at home (I'm still working on that) and my next challenge is full time. I'm not what you would call feminine looking, and I need work....lots, and lots of work. But, working towards goals, not living a lie to my family anymore, has all been spirit lifting.

One last thing.....depression is dangerous, and I'll just say that it's not good for you, or those you love!

Stick around here, get comfortable, get to know us, and all we'll do is wish you every happiness you deserve, no matter what you decide to do. :)

Oh and by the way, I have a big ole tough Marine Corp cousin that lives close to Bozeman, and he knows about me now too!

He said to me when i came out to him "Are you still my cousin? the one I've always loved, and respected? And if so then I just have a girl cousin instead...so what!" We still talk almost everyday.

LesleyAnne

Link to comment
  • Admin

Oops. I'm sorry. I meant Carolyn

LOL! You can call me anything you want, hon, just don't call me later for dinner. :P

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Drufuss. Glad you found this place. I stumbled in a while back and simply being here, reading and posting to others who understand has been quite helpful.

My wife and i are soon to celebrate 45 years of marriage and i've been full time 4 years now.

It can be done but it's not easy. My wife was used to the construction guy farmer who had built the house but we made it.

Hugs,

Charlize

Link to comment

Thank you Charlize. It is so good to know that there are so many others that have been through similar situations. I'm so happy that I found this place.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 112 Guests (See full list)

    • Davie
    • MaryEllen
    • Adrianna Danielle
    • MaybeRob
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,014
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bowie Ellis
      Bowie Ellis
      (19 years old)
    2. Damien Mcknight
      Damien Mcknight
      (18 years old)
    3. JJ
      JJ
      (77 years old)
    4. KathyLauren
      KathyLauren
      (70 years old)
    5. memyselfandwe
      memyselfandwe
      (44 years old)
  • Posts

    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I went to a support group for spouses dating or married to a transgender person on Tuesday night for the first time.It was amazing meeting other couples like us.One was a genetic woman whom has been dating a transgender male for the first time and she is supporting his transition.Us,they were amazed by us agreeing on something we said,love and acceptance have brought us together
    • Abigail Genevieve
      By which I mean there is a cultural stereotype of what a man is, and one of what a woman is.  Even worse, of what a transgender person is.   You be you.   I read of a boy who thought he was a girl because he did not adhere to some (rather toxic) conceptions of what it means to be a man, so he decided he was a girl.  He was told he didn't have to conform to stereotype and got happy. "You mean I don't have to transition?" He didn't want to, and was relieved.   Once upon a time if you were transgender they told you either you transition or die.   Incorporate the best of what it means to be a man and the best of what it means to be a woman as much as you possibly can, and let the rest go.  Be fully human. Be alive. Don't conform to some cultural crud.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • Davie
      Except for this thung thwister: Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb. Now if, Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb, how many thistles can'st thou thrust through the thick of thy thumb . . . in sifting a sieve-full of unsifted thistles? Success to the successful thistle sifter!
    • VickySGV
      You have given you and us a big clue right there.  I hope you have shared this observation with your Endocrinologist and are willing to take their advice about changing that behavior.    Non prescribed herbal or animal supplements can have a negative effect on your body's use of your available hormones.  Also, your genetics are going to be controlling what your body is going to do with your hormones, and again, that is for you to consult with your Endocrinologists.  On this site none of us are licensed medical personnel and we cannot give you advice on your health more than what your doctor can.  We have rules that we enforce against our members advising about "Folk Remedies" because we have had members who have gone that route and badly damaged their health and quality of life.  Only thing I can go anywhere on, is that maybe if you change your expectations of what should happen, you will at least not be in danger of harming yourself from anxiety.
    • Timi
      Hi @violet r!    Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so glad you found this place. I hope you find as much comfort and support here as I have.    -Timi    
    • marysssia
      Hi lovely people,   I'm a 25 yo MtF woman, and I've been suffering from low estrogen issues since October 2023. I completely lost my feminine libido, my breast completely stopped growing, my estrogen levels dropped by a lot (despite NOT decreasing my E dosage) and thus my dysphoria drastically increased. I think it is worth mentioning that, for my health issues, I had been taking ----- Lamotrigine for months & had been on ketogenic diet, and these things seem to be a culprit of my current issue. I weaned off Lamotrigine some time ago and gave up on keto diet, but it still doesn't seem to help. My estrogen is still low (44 ng/ml) and my libido hasn't come back yet. In general, I struggle with my dysphoria so much because of that and, to be honest, I don't know what to do. I've tried so many dietary supplements, yet I didn't get any effects from them. My endocrinologist didn't know how to help me. She only suggested to increase my daily estrogen dose (to 3x per day ------sublingual estrogen tablets and 3x per day ------ estrogen gel applied to armpits or thighs), which I did, without any effect.   Please, help me. Prior to keto diet & Lamotrigine treatment, I'd never had experience like that. I'm basically helpless and have no clue what to do. Having to deal with low estrogen is a horrible experience to me and it affects my life severely.   BTW, my T levels are always within female range.   Do you have any clue what exactly I should do?
    • April Marie
      I love wearing a jeans skirt!! That looks like airport carpet. Safe travels if you're flying!!
    • Maddee
      Flight faraway forthcoming Fabulous forum friends 😊😊🎸🦂
    • Maddee
    • KathyLauren
      One of our cats is polydactyl.  He has 7 toes on each front paw and 5 on each back paw, for 24 toes total.   Another one, an ex-feral who, at the time, was free to roam, climbed 50 feet up a tree without having any thought about how he was going to get down.  His pal climed down backwards, but he couldn't.  He ended up coming down by leaping from branch to branch.  Which nearly gave us heart attacks, because he only has one eye and therefore has no depth perception.   The other ex-feral (both are now indoor cats) obviously does not have those soft pads on his feet.  At night, when we are in bed, we can hear him stomping around the house.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      The two o'clock Onshoring meeting was going well.  Taylor was leading, inviting other people up to speak on their specialties. Aerial photogrammetry and surveying, including the exact boundary, were out for contract signature  Gibson had handled that - Manufacturing was supposed to, but somehow hadn't happened.  Legal issues from Legal. Accounting reported on current costs, including all upkeep, guard salaries, etc.  Manufacturing was supposed to give those numbers, but they hadn't.   The downside was the VP of Manufacturing.  He had arrived at the meeting red-faced, his tie askew, clutching a bottle. It smelled strongly of vodka. He had never done anything in his twenty years of being VP of Manufacturing, and he did not like being asked now.   "Mr. ----, do you have the inventory we asked for?" Taylor asked politely.  VP Gibson had asked him to have his people go through the plant and not only inventory but assess the operational status of every piece of equipment.  They needed to know what they had. "I'm not going to take any f---- orders from a g-d- tra---," he snarled. "God knows what kind of perverts it has dragged into our fair city and bangs every night." "That is completely out of line." That was Gibson.  Taylor controlled herself.  That was a shot at Bob, not just at Taylor.  She was glad Bob was not there to do something stupid.  Had Mrs. McCarthy been talking? What had she said?  Was she given to embellishment?  Taylor took a deep breath. "I'm not sorry.  You f--- can take this stupid onshoring --- and shove it up your -" "That is quite enough."  This was the head of HR. "You can take your sissy ways and sashay -" "You are fired." "You can't fire me." "Oh, yes I can," said the office manager.  The VP took another swig from his bottle. "Try it."  He looked uncertain. "I will have you removed.  Are you going to leave on your own?  I am calling the police to help you leave." And he dialed the number. He stomped out cursing. They heard him noisily go down the hall.  This was the front conference room.  He actually went through security and out the door, throwing his badge on the ground on his way.  The guard picked it up. They could see this through the glass wall. "Can you fire a VP?" "The Board told me that if anyone gives me problems they should be shown the door. Even a VP.  I can fire everyone here. I won't, of course. Those were problems." "Are you alright, Taylor?" She nodded.  "I've heard worse.  Shall we continue?" And they did.   The last item was that certain business people in China had been arrested, and the corporation that had been supporting them all these years had been dissolved.  They were on their own, and the Board was dead serious on straightening things out.  After this meeting, Taylor believed it.  She did not attend the meeting to discuss how to distribute the few duties the VP of Manufacturing had done.  That was ultimately up to the Board.    
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Lunch was at Cabaret, still free.  The place was quiet: it was the sort of place you took a business client to impress them, and the few other people were in business suits.  Most of the legal profession was there.   She told him of the morning's frustrations, breaking her own rule about confidentiality.  She asked Karen how the branding was going, and Karen had snapped back that she had not started on it yet - they had all these proposals.  Taylor had explained that it was important, for the two o'clock meeting, and Karen told her to do it herself.  Karen pointed out that Taylor could not touch her - her uncle was on the Board and her brother was VP of Manufacturing.  Nor would the two computer guys go out to the plant - they were playing some kind of MMORPG and simply not available. If she wanted the pictures, she should go.  Mary prayed an Ave Maria, but both she and Brenda were racing to get the proposal out. The client wanted it Friday for review.   She didn't bring up what Mrs. McCarthy had told her.  She wasn't sure how to approach it.  She thought of telling her of a 'something more comfortable' she had bought in case he ever DID show up at her door. It was in the bottom drawer of her dresser, ready to go.  Instead she talked about moving to a place with a garage.  Several of the abandoned houses had one, and they had been maintained well with China cash.   Bob had finally realized that when he was introduced as Bob, Taylor's boyfriend, that was just how things were done here. Other people had introduced each other in terms of family relationships, which were strong.  Long before you found out anything else about someone, you knew how they were related.  Family kept people from leaving Millville.    "What is the real name of this town, anyway?"   She laughed.  "I am trying to find that out.  It's 'Welcome to Millvale' when you come into town from the north, and 'Welcome to Millville' on the south.  I have counted two other variants."   "What a town. Roosevelt is like that, with the families, but there is only one spelling."  
    • Ashley0616
      Nothing wrong with that. I'm glad that you found what makes you happy! Just curious what does your wife think? If it's too personal I understand.
    • Ashley0616
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...