today's struggles

[Guest Faith gibson]

I’m in such a dark place. I really need some support but there are so few places to turn to. I have no friends IRL and apparently not going to get any support from family.

One more conversation with family gone terribly wrong tonight and it’s not even really worth mentioning what it was about. I will say that apparently I will never be a woman and never know what a woman goes through. It really doesn’t matter what it was about. It’s the intent, or the need of my spouse to hurt me. I just cannot ever see her getting by this.

I’m so tired of living trying to meet others' unreasonable demands of me. I know that a person must attempt to accommodate others just like I hope others will try to understand and accommodate me but my life has been a constant struggle of trying to deny and pretend all for the benefit of others.

Even on line here, one must watch what one says. Try not to appear too negative or you might possibly turn others away. I don’t know how to endure the things I go through without appearing somewhat bitter and hopeless at times. When I posted here more often, a year or so ago, there were so many that passed on the advice that I just needed to see the bright side and look for the good things in life. You are happy when you accept being a happy person. Or accept the only known cure, which was to transition.

I need to go to the doctor again tomorrow and I have an appointment with a cosmetician later in the afternoon. Then I will stay overnight and go to the Pride parade the next day. My heart is just not into it though. It will be a struggle to just go. It will get me out of the house and around others so it’s something I know I must do. Plus, I need to get my prescriptions. I just can’t see the use in moving forward with these things.

Faith

[Guest Opal]

Faith, please hang on as best you can. People here do care, and there certainly those days when it is a total struggle to keep going.

I have not been on Chat in some time, but others will see your post here over time.

Perhaps in the activities you have planned tomorrow, you will help someone else, and not even realize it.

Huggs,

Opal

[Charlize]

Faith i'm sorry you are feeling so down. Negativity from others especially our spouses is truly devastating. I have received my share over time but for the most part things are on a very level plane now and we both seem to have found some peace through acceptance of each other and our lives. Easy? Not at all. It has been a worth while journey for me however and i think we're closer because of it.

Please don't worry about expressing the negative side of this journey. Anyone who walks this path knows fear, tears and pain. All i ever wanted was some way of finding peace with myself and the world. I pretty happy most of the time now. I've discover ways in which what i've lived through can maybe help others and simply reaching out has helped me as well. It is so easy to get caught up in my difficulties that seeing those of others can't happen.

Thank you for sharing with us. I hope you have a great day and will share the ups as well as the downs. This is life and nobody promised me a full time rose garden, especially one with all beauty and no thorns.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest]

I can certainly identify and I have no pat answers. There are many more similarities of what we go through (and more) than there are differences to other women. We just keep on keeping on, but it can really hurt. I can offer you a loving cyber hug. I hope your excursion gets better. Hug. JodyAnn

[JJ]

Faith I also am sorry you are struggling

As one one of the big proponents of positive attitude as much as possible I apologize if the message that came through was that all you had to do was be happy and everything would be fine. Not at all the message I intended to send. In fact it is twofold. One is that it will get better. Eventually. But it takes time. And there is hope in that . Not a day or a week at a few months. Though it can get better in increments but sometimes those changes are very slow. When dealing with those who love us we cannot know at the beginning how someone will eventually turn out to be. There is a process- a whole transition for them to and as I have said sometimes they actually get worse before they get better. Grasping at all those "It's mental" or delusional sites and people out there because they desperately want to deny it. Most of us have spent years and sometimes decades trying to deny it ourselves so it isn't surprising. And they are losing someone they ;ove -they have to grieve and go through the stages of grief. For many people anger and denial are the first stages -separately but also in combination. Your spouse has not known long enough to have worked through any of it.

And the second part of the message is to try and try and try again not to dwell on all the negative scenarios in your head - the "nevers" - because the future is not here and you don't know. All you have is today. Right now. Tomorrow will certainly be different from how you anticipate it and not paying for things that have not happened yet will give you greater strength and energy to face today and right now. Which is all you can deal with . Or need to.

Don't think of the fight ahead. Think of where you are today. What can you do today to make it better for yourself? No matter how small. What do you need to do to move forward just today?

If thinking happy thoughts cured this then we wouldn't need Laura's or transition even. No one would do this unless it was essential. But the degree to which that pain cripples your life can and will be affected by how you react to it. How much energy and strength you give to your fear.

Transition has taught me that you can do far more than you dream and almost nothing is impossible. I found even physical limitations can be overcome or adapted to live a good full life. But that is what you have to focus on-how you can make it a good full life and not how awful it is and how awful you feel.

I know it is hard. And that the fear and despair are very real and very hard. And it okay to come here to vent them. We all need to do that sometimes. The messages you get back are not meant to criticize you or condemn you in any way but to say this is what has worked for us. To try to offer something to make that path easier. Not to minimize that despair and pain to make it easier to bear. I almost didn't make it through till I learned these things. I don't want anyone else to do what I did before or suffer more than they have to .

For some of us transition is the only cure. The answer that saves our lives. But it is a drastic cure and it takes a long time to work through and get there. Others manage and don't feel the same despair and wrongness and depression. My Dr tells me that testosterone finally ended my chemically imbalanced depression because of the way my brain is configured. It didn't cure all my problems . Didn't do some magic transformation. It did mean that I had the ability to finally do that and learn the life lessons I needed. But the other thing that transition taught me was something I had never been able to learn before. Patience. For me transition was the cure -and I can only speak from that perspective. If you were happy or content before then there is no need to transition. If you could never really be then it may be.

Sometimes you keep moving forward even when it seems hopeless because that is the only way to go. Because that is where hope lies.

You have more friends than you know here. And when people reply - with a couple of exceptions now and then-it is to help. TO take the time to offer what they know and understand even if it may not resonate with you.

I hope once tomorrow comes you feel better and have a good visit You always feel better once you have gotten out and accomplished what needs to be done.

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest LesleyAnne]

Hi Faith,

I'm so sorry you are having a rough time right now. You know we do care here, you've shown the same compassion, and understanding for others as we should show you.

Ours is one "H" of a roller coaster ride with high highs, and low lows, and anywhere in-between.Once we tell others (and ourselves for that matter) of who we are we can never go back, and we are destined to ride out the roller coaster to wherever it takes us. You are certainly not unique in your struggles with family, and friends, and it sometimes stinks to be honest. For the most part we are left to lift up our own spirits, and desperately keep searching for the positive.

Im sorry for just reiterating what we all know, but my intent is just to let you know we are all( or at least most of us) in the same life raft.

So please don't feel you have to constantly try to show you are upbeat when you aren't feeling it!

Take our shoulder, and let the tears flow, because my dear we will need your shoulder to catch our tears too!

[Guest Faith gibson]

Thank you all for giving such good advice. I will try to heed it and work my way through some of this. It's just that I'm getting so tired of the lows. It feels like I just don't have the strength to fight through one more.

I did go to the doctor's, got my medication but because it was so hard to find a pharmacy that carried it, I missed my appointment with the MAC cosmetician. I stayed over night and attended the pride parade. The most enjoyable thing I did was splurge on some jewery. It wasn't just the getting of the material things, it was the communication with the sales woman. We spent a good hour trying things on and talking about 'just stuff you talk about while shopping for jewery'. I went to malls, I ate in restaurants, and I walked all over. No one paid me any attention at all. The only people that seemed to have difficulties with me were a couple of pharmacists.

I talked with my a member of my family and thought things were on the mend again but now it seems they are not. I admire all of you that somehow managed to ride out this nastiness but I don't seem to have that strength. I just don't feel I can deal with this. I don't have any more to offer.

Faith