Hello everyone

[Never2L82comeout]

I'm not sure where to start, except that I just made the decision, finally, to move forward with my transition without any further reservations.

I guess I was conditioned to become a normal boy by my parents, who are very old-fashioned. I didn't know what normal was but identified more with my older sister, growing up, than what my parents were telling me I was supposed to be. I did all the boy things growing up, like boys scouts and fishing with my dad. Secretly, I wore some of my sisters clothes. I had lots of friends that were boys, but also had lots of friends that were girls as well. I preferred to be around the girls more than the other boys, but was discouraged from that.

As a boy, most of my dreams were of me being a girl. As my friends and I grew older, I felt a kind of separation from them in terms of what guys are about, what they like and how they relate with others. From this early age, I always felt that I was missing something, lacked something, or just didn't "get" being a guy. I related very well with the girls and preferred to hang around them, but most of the time during High School, that was awkward. I tried to fit in with the other guys in sports, but would only engage in individual sports like track and cross country. Team sports didn't appeal to me and even if forced to play during regular PE, I felt left out or dumb.

I didn't know what to make of this "confusion" other than I was defected in some way. Gays were labeled as "queers" and made fun of and I didn't want to be labeled as such. I continued to have dreams of being a female, of having long hair and the genitals to match...everything, including the way I related with people seemed so "pure" and natural. Transgender, in those days was unheard of, at least in my part of the woods. Peer pressure led me to try and have a girlfriend, and I got one easily because I related to girls so well.

As time went on and the idea of sex came up, I got petrified. I fumbled around and she basically let me go. I didn't have any other girlfriends through high school until after I graduated, when I took a girl to her Senior prom. It was a great night, but nothing afterwards and later we broke up. I partied a lot from age 16 to 19, drank mostly but did a few drugs here and there, nothing major. At 19 one of my coworkers who was openly gay was told me he was attracted to me, but it wasn't really mutual. At this point, all my thoughts and desires and attraction to guys were met with internal shame, and I would immediately suppress them. I lived outwardly by what was proper and traditionally correct for a male, but inwardly I felt different. Many times however, I was mistaken for a gay at parties and just being out and about because of my personality. I got along with gays very well, but I was not interested in them as partners. My thoughts were always that I would very much enjoy a relationship with a man but only in a female body, which I had wished I had.

This has been my dilemma and internal conflict for more than 40 years now. Over those years I have tried to suppress my true feelings and replace them with those that I was led to believe, by many sources, I was supposed to have. I couldn't stand this conflict and depression that it caused, and at age 21 I was suicidal and admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Having been stabilized, I decide to go to college. I even got married to a great woman and had a son with her. Two years after he was born, we were divorced. All my life, I felt I have had to prove my "sex" and my place in society by being a married man with a successful job. The problem was, is that I was never happy with that life. Over the last 40 years, I have had numerous hospital stays because of the suicidal thoughts and depression and 4 divorces. Most of the reason for the divorces I believe, were due to my wanting to be more my wife's friend than lover.... losing interest in sex with her, because my feelings of being female emerged and manifested in greater strength. It was interesting for me to contemplate the idea of me being lesbian with my wife. I even told one of my wives my true feelings and she basically used that to formulate a divorce plan.

At various intervals I expressed my inner feelings by buying clothing and jewelry and wigs. I would wear them mostly at home as an expression rather than a need, and also went out in them to places where I could be anonymous. Presently, I am in a very expressive mode and have made the decision to not deny my feelings any longer and put action to them. I want to live the rest of my live the way I truly see myself. I want to be free to express myself and be true to who I am. Finally! I am at complete peace with that, but now I realize that I have a long road ahead of me to transition full time. I've begun the process, and perhaps two to three years I will be able to fulfill my goals. In the meantime, its' going to be hard for me to deal with the mismatch between my insides and outside, but that is why I am here now. I can use all the help and support I can get.

[MaryEllen]

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing with us. Feel free to ask whatever questions you may have. We'll try our best to provide answers.

MaryEllen

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, hon, and thanks for sharing your story. As you might expect, a lot of your life has much in common with many of ours. I can certainly relate to how you felt in school, and about dating and being intimate.

Please continue to post your questions and thoughts, and we'll do our very best to answer them and be here for you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Never2L82comeout]

Welcome to the playground and yes it's never too late

Thanks for your intro, is there a name you would like to use here ?

Trying to prove your "sex" as you say, can be terribly depressing, and leads to an emptiness (IMHO), especially if it don't match your inner being.

Best to listen to your heart and mind, that internal compass will show you the way.

Join in the conversations here, post away as the mood strikes ya

Cynthia -

Yes sorry, my name is Rachel

I was depressed most of my life due to my inside and outside not matching. In and out of hospitals over the years, it's amazing I'm still here. There must be a reason

I was too into my head for so long, that is what has kept me from transitioning much sooner. Now my heart rules

Thank you Cynthia

[Guest Charlotte J.]

I can relate to heart over head, Rachel. It's taken me a long time to trust my own heart. My move into trusting my heart was long and difficult, as it sounds yours has been as well. Now that I have accepted that I'm trans*, I am amazed at how much my day-to-day has improved. Like you, I have suffered from depression throughout my life. My mind was overactive and full of negative thoughts. I've struggled with that depression a lot and developed many coping skills over the years. Since coming out to myself and a few others, depression and sadness has eased more. I'm more honest in my self-expression and that has created a vibrant contrast in my interactions with folks now compared to all those years when I was confused and hiding. I have really begun to love myself for the first time.

Coming here a little over a year ago was an important step in my journey. I'm glad you're here with us. As others have said, please share with us as you feel comfortable. Many folks here will support you.