Finding the Right Support Group

[sarahlash]

Hi Everyone,

I have been having a hard time finding a support group that I feel truly comfortable going to, and discussing with. And part of this is from my bad experience from the first support group I went to before I moved to the another city. The main issue that occurred their is that Another aspect has to deal with the response I get from where I work. Currently, I'm part owner of the Food Service inside of a Bar/Nightclub/Strip-club. This information caused a heated debate about morales, ethics, and why I shouldn't actually be at that location. I tried to defend the reasoning for working inside of existing business, but the members would have none of it. And I left that meeting knowing I wasn't going to be going back. This has caused me to be extremely guarded about going to other support groups, but my therapist and business partner have both been telling me I should at-least try one of the other support groups.

My question is when people ask what I do, and I respond that I own the Grill inside of a Bar/Club. The next question is always about the name of the business, type of food and club, and location. At that point is were I feel like I'm stuck in a lie/catch 22 situation. Or how I should handle it in general. I've got time before the next session of the local support group in July, so any ideas of how I should handle the situation would be helpful.

[Charlize]

I don't see how what you do for a living has a place in your exploration of gender issues. I don't think i've been asked what i do at any group i attend. I may volunteer that information but it's certainly rarely a part of the conversation. I certainly would not be embarrassed by what you do for a living either. Just try to be yourself and remember why your there. Finding friends may be part of it but self discovery is the main reason any of us go to support groups. After all they are called "support" for a reason.

I found that i had to drive a good distance to find one i liked but since it met in the evening and only once a month it wasn't too bad.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Clair Dufour]

Here, there are some who go to the trans* group meetings and more who are part of the LGBT community and a few who do both. Both provide support but I feel that the LGBT community is better and more inclusive and much more tolerant. If you have a strip club, there can't a gay club with drag shows too far away? I would say that some of us struggle accepting who we are and others accept it and make the best we can of it. PS. I've seen a few fully MTF's working strip clubs!

[Jani]

As an aside but not totally off topic, how come we don't have a forum or sub-forum for support groups, like a place to list them. I understand (from my therapist) that is a need in my area. With her encouragement, I and another much more experienced woman have started a transgender support group for adults. It is difficult to get the word out though so attendance has been sparse.

Jani

[sarahlash]

To Charlize,

When I went to the first original support group, they wanted to know what I did for a living, and I just tried to state I owned the grill or food service part of a club. They then wanted to know the name and location, so they could come support it. And that is when it went to hell and a hand-basket quickly. I was just like you know what I'll just leave now and find a different support group. And I've move closer to another support group, and hoping that when I go that one goes better. Also, I've come to find my overall passion is cooking and the opportunity was a once in a life time kind of deal. So I'm just treating it like I treat my transition, which is to say its the persons choice to support me but either way I'm going to continue what I'm doing.

To Claire,

To an extent I feel that either type of support group can be inclusive, but its depending on the individuals of a specific group. Though ones experience will vary, just like if we all went to the same restaurant at the same time/day. We all could have different overall experiences.

To Jani,

I think a major problem is that local support groups can come and go. Because when I was originally searching for them where I live, two had websites but had stopped meeting. And then sometimes there not listed at all, because they are run by specific therapist or organizations. So in that regard it can be hit or miss overall

[Guest KerryUK]

Hi Sarah,

I can honestly say that I've never been to a support group - I know that they can and do wonderful things, they just aren't my 'cup of tea'.

Now, if I were to go to one, I would expect that I would get support and advice with moving forward or simply just being me. I would also expect to chat and perhaps make some friends along the way (pretty much the way I've done here). If a question were to arise around what my job is, well I would tell the truth. If like in your situation, things started to become uncomfortable because those at the group didn't approve, I would politely remind them that I had come to the group for support (like you did) AND I would remind them how hard it is (as a Trans person to change jobs). You were involved in that job before you started transition and you shouldn't be expected to change jobs as a result of a support group not approving the job you currently find yourself in. Personally, I don't think it should matter who or what you provide a food service to. I hope this helps for when you go to your new group.

[Saga]

I am attending my first local support group tonight, and as some of you mentioned, sharing what I do for a living has been a large fear of mine because I am a preschool teacher. It is already hard enough for men to work in this profession, but I worry that I may be risking my livelihood if someone at work found out. Obviously that time will come sooner or later - I'm just not quite there yet.

[Guest cerise]

I go to one regularly and am sort of looking for another to fill in the gaps between cancelled meetings.

My experience is that seldom do the same people show up more than twice or three times so each one time has a different flavor. If someone iraitates you at one meeting they probably won't be there the next time.

Where I have found it helpful is knowing what to expect as I go through the Trans program that is set up in Vancouver. Last weeks meeting I was given some general information on the doctor I was to see in the coming week. This put me at ease for my first meeting and she was wonderful.

I also get info on TRANS medical facilities that are in the works to be established in Vancouver.

TRANS people who have been around are usually very well informed and in between the twiddling of thumbs and pregnant pauses there is a lot of info and peace to be had.

In short, I am a little sad that the meeting is not on this weekend and although it goes for 2 hours, which is long, I usually stay for the two hours I have pumped into my meter.

Its also a great way to expand your scope of acceptance as you meet not just MTFs but FTMs and their partners, mothers, brothers and friends.