New progress in understanding myself

[Guest notsure2015]

I've been a cross dresser since i was 5 or 6 years old. I've always been fascinated with wearing women's clothing and at an early age when I first tried on my sisters panties I loved it. It felt so comfortable, so right and I wanted to wear panties from that day forward. After a few minutes I knew I should take them off so I don't get caught. Later that day I'm not sure if I was glad I took them off or not because I would have been caught by my friends when they pantsed me later that day. I just wonder how everything would have been after that day. Would I be accepted, would I be able to continue wearing panties with my parents permission, would I be happier now, would this have evolved into something entirely different because I'd be able to express myself and learn who I am? When I was young I didn't think there was anything wrong with it, but I knew I shouldn't get caught. At this point I know for sure I'm cd, but I just can't help thinking that there's more to it, after reading a lot of posts on Laura's I've come to see I share a lot of experiences with others, (ex: praying to be a girl, dreams of being a girl, the need to cross dress...), but I can't help thinking is that what I want or is it just apart of the cross dressing.

I have been suppressing the urge to dress for the past few months but they keep coming back, there were times when I could go for at least a year or two now it's down to weeks. recentley I've had a lot of extra money to buy some more clothes and help myself get to accept this is myself. My only problem right now is I'm stuck at home with my parents till I graduate college in a few weeks, and I never have time to my self with work and school and my parents it's not easy. I'm still working up the courage to underdress , but I'm still afraid to be spotted. Tomorrow is the first day I'll have off and my parents won't be home so I'm going to try to hold myself together for the whole day. I'm thinking about going to class today underdressed, I feel so comfortable right now, I just hope I don't chicken out.

[Charlize]

All of our experiences are different but we also share a great deal. I remember times when any desire to dress left me completely. Somehow i was able to put that behind me and live my life as i was "supposed to". At other times all i could think of was being myself. Like you i was terrified that someone might see something that would clue them into what i desired or how i wanted to be.Fear was a great part of my life as well. Try to simply relax and when you have a chance be yourself. If you want to wear a pair of panties i'll almost guarantee that in a big crowd you won't be the only male wearing them. I thought i was alone. The more time i give myself as myself the more i understand i'm not alone. Others want to dress. Some want to transition while for others wearing a pair of panties every so often is enough. If this becomes too much of a difficulty for you a gender therapist can help. They are not only there for transgender folks but for anyone trying to find themselves.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Jani]

Hello Notsure,

The comments presented here are so true, no need for me to elaborate.

You said "At this point I know for sure I'm cd, but I just can't help thinking that there's more to it..." and I can tell you this is common. I went through a long period where I considered myself a CD but eventually realized it wasn't me, there was something more. So please take the time to explore this site, and other sources to learn more. You might seek out a transgender support group in your area to experience the stories of others in person. Similar in a way to cis-gender, transgender is a spectrum. You may find a place under the transgender umbrella that suits you where you can be happy. That is the goal, to be happy and comfortable with yourself. No one else really matters.

Jani

[Guest AshleighP]

Your story and feelings are more common than you could imagine. There are tons of us who underdress daily, and have for years. The majority of people in the world don't notice or don't care what you're wearing under your "normal" clothes. Life is short and it's important to be true to who you are.

Going extended periods of time without dressing is also common, as are feelings of guilt and purging your wardrobe. Take it slow, seek out counsel, and ask questions here. There is lots of acceptance and understanding to found on this site.

[Guest notsure2015]

Thanks everyone for all the good advice. It's so tough dealing with all the different feelings. There's the need to want to be a man and then the need to cross dress that is a confusing contradiction. There's the times when you look at a women and your not sure if you want her or want to be her. The stress from work, and life and the comfort of cross dressing. I know I'll have to talk to a therapist sometime, but I'm even scared to do that even though I know they will be there to help. I haven't found the courage to under dress for a full day yet, but I am getting better with accepting my cross dressing at home. Instead of trying to run from the thoughts, I've been acting on the feeling more when the need hits me. I hope I can learn to accept myself, get over the guilt and be brave enough to wear what I want, whenever I want, where ever I want. 

[MarcieMarie12]

I think some of the best advice I got, be yourself first, worry about labels later. Hard to do in practice though, since I wanted some way to describe myself. I thought I was a CD as well. I'd go years without dressing, get some clothes, get ashamed or afraid I'd get caught then purge all the girl clothes. The hardest part for me was denial and shame, that took me four decades to figure out.

[Rachael]

Your story is not unlike what I am feeling. I want to dress as a woman but have to go to work as a man. So for the time being I wear panties all of the time. but when I get off work I will change into something more comfortable as they say. It really does feel so comfortable, and seems that things are so right, the way they should be. 

With the weather starting to get cooler I am considering getting some camisoles and wearing them as well. 

Best wishes on your journey. 

[Guest AshleighP]

Silky camisoles are a great way of underdressing and feeling a bit feminine in our day to day worlds, without giving a ourselves away completely. As the weather gets even cooler, tights are also fun and practical. 

[Guest notsure2015]

So I finally graduated from school and I'm really happy now that that's over. I've been worried about finding a new job lately and I finally got an interview and I think I got the job. Hopefully if I do land the job and I can work both my current job as part time and my new job full time to help build up my savings. Hopefully if that works out I will be able to afford to get a place of my own to be myself. I'm excited to be able to add more girly clothes and be able to wear them without worrying about being caught. It'll be nice to do more than just under dress for the few short times I have now. I think it'll take me 3-4 months to finally get to where I need to be and I can't wait. 

[Charlize]

That sounds wonderful.  I remember how great it was to finally have my own home.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Guest notsure2015]

So today was a great day. I woke up this morning on my day off and I felt today would be a good day to go under dressed today. Normally I have an argument with myself about doing it and not doing it but today wasn't like that. I just decided to do it and did it. I went out for a walk in a crowded place and did some thinking about how I felt about the situation. It felt great, I felt normal, like there was nothing wrong with what I was doing and I wasn't nervous at all. I wish I could do that everyday, I want to get rid of all my boxers and just want to wear panties from here on out. I'm not quite at that point yet but I feel I could do it one day.

[VickySGV]

Always remember -- YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG!!

[Alejandra]

1 hour ago, notsure2015 said:

I want to get rid of all my boxers and just want to wear panties from here on out

Hi, NotSure.  Welcome to Laura's.  FYI, I had my surgery just out of college and for the first time in my short life, II felt free to live my life as the woman I have always been. Because that was so long ago, (almost 50 years now), I honestly have very little understanding of why you, "just want to wear panties from here on out".

I am guessing you are trying to figure this out too. Maybe you or some of our friends here could give us all some insight. I tend to agree with VickiSGV that you are not doing anything wrong, although that is not my call.  It is yours.

[Guest Emily H]

2 hours ago, notsure2015 said:

So today was a great day. I woke up this morning on my day off and I felt today would be a good day to go under dressed today. Normally I have an argument with myself about doing it and not doing it but today wasn't like that. I just decided to do it and did it. I went out for a walk in a crowded place and did some thinking about how I felt about the situation. It felt great, I felt normal, like there was nothing wrong with what I was doing and I wasn't nervous at all. I wish I could do that everyday, I want to get rid of all my boxers and just want to wear panties from here on out. I'm not quite at that point yet but I feel I could do it one day.

I'm very glad to hear that you are making personal progress and can enjoy yourself. A lot of what you've said reminds me of my conflicting voices in my head. It can be tough to realize/accept at first, but regardless of what the reason is, you have every right to explore your identity and your gender expression. Don't ever forget that <3

[Guest Eve Caillard]

Glad to hear your progress NotSure.

I underdress most of the time - preferring panties as they are so much more comfortable! I chucked out my male underwear as it was so ghastly. At home I usually wear suspenders and stockings (easier for the loo!) and in colder months slinky camisoles.  I go out under-dressed like this and don't give it a second thought because it is my 'normal'. I usually have a necklace on as well.

Be who you are and enjoy!

Hugs

Eve

[Guest notsure2015]

I think I may be making some more progress with coming to terms myself. I've been cross dressing off and on since I was 6 years old and I never thought I wouldn't want anyone to know. So the past 15 or so years it has been my secret and mine alone, and it's been really stressful. For a long time I had always wanted this to be my secret and I've been terribly afraid of what anyone who found out would say. I've been reading this website for help for a long time now and it's been a great source of comfort knowing I'm not the only one who's been in my position. Today I think I realized that I can't go on hiding anymore. I think I am ready to start talking to a gender therapist soon. I'm worried about losing my anonymity and that someone will know my secret but I think it's the right move and it will help me feel more comfortable with myself. It would be amazing to be able to dress how I feel and not have to hide anymore. 

[Briana]

Hi Notsure,

Sounds like it would definitely be a good idea to talk to a gender counselor.  And I wouldn't worry too much about you anonymity.  Regardless of which counselor you choose, they are sworn to and expert at keeping your info confidential.  In general, they can really help you come to understand how you see yourself, and where you want to go. 

[Guest]

When I first started to under-dress I thought I was having a heart attack! Constantly worried that someone would see and then it didn't take long for a couple things to occur:

1) Realize that people really don't pay that close of attention.

2) Realize that I no longer care what people know.

3) Realize later that people noticed and simply said nothing.

I've been underdressing for around two years and recently started leaving the house dressed somewhat ambiguously with a slant toward the fem side. I also found bras that have the strap adjusters on the front rather than the top of the shoulder or the back. (Bali 3372)

 

[Guest BobbiLee]

Hi Notsure,

I so understand what you are going through!  I am 50 and have known since I was 5 or 6 (like so many of us).  I always thought of myself as a CD until more recently. I would buy then purge and go through the full range of emotions.  Other than telling my wife of 20 years a few months ago, the best thing I did was seek out a therapist.  I was scared to death!  Then, at the urging of my wife and GT, I found a local support group.  That was another terrifying experience the first time and at the same time liberating!  When I said to a group of people whom I had never met that I thought I was transgendered, I thought I would pass out!  BUT with both the GT and the group, it is 100% non threatening!!  It is a safe environment and a place I look forward to going!  I don't need to see a GT every week (and yes it does cost a bit) but I so look forward to telling her I have started underdressing or that I bought a new pair of boots or blouse.  Again it is safe and as far as going out underdressed, I realized as I look around me, no one is staring at me, no one is intentionally ignoring me, no one cares at all. Once I realized that, it was another moment where I felt I could be ME.  

With all that said, I have notattended a meeting dressed as me yet but now that I have more every day clothes, that day is not too far off but like others, that scares the heck at just the thought but I so want to!  

Take baby steps and don't be afraid to ask lots and lots of questions.  Thses are a great bunch of folks and to start to realize things are not always black and white, knowing there is support helps a great deal!!

Bobbi

[Guest]

22 hours ago, BobbiLee said:

Hi Notsure,

I so understand what you are going through!  I am 50 and have known since I was 5 or 6 (like so many of us).  I always thought of myself as a CD until more recently. I would buy then purge and go through the full range of emotions.  Other than telling my wife of 20 years a few months ago, the best thing I did was seek out a therapist.  I was scared to death!  Then, at the urging of my wife and GT, I found a local support group.  That was another terrifying experience the first time and at the same time liberating!  When I said to a group of people whom I had never met that I thought I was transgendered, I thought I would pass out!  BUT with both the GT and the group, it is 100% non threatening!!  It is a safe environment and a place I look forward to going!  I don't need to see a GT every week (and yes it does cost a bit) but I so look forward to telling her I have started underdressing or that I bought a new pair of boots or blouse.  Again it is safe and as far as going out underdressed, I realized as I look around me, no one is staring at me, no one is intentionally ignoring me, no one cares at all. Once I realized that, it was another moment where I felt I could be ME.  

With all that said, I have notattended a meeting dressed as me yet but now that I have more every day clothes, that day is not too far off but like others, that scares the heck at just the thought but I so want to!  

Take baby steps and don't be afraid to ask lots and lots of questions.  Thses are a great bunch of folks and to start to realize things are not always black and white, knowing there is support helps a great deal!!

Bobbi

Wow, except for the support group, you just described my story........

[Guest notsure2015]

I wanted to thank everyone for their input and support, I feel like ive been distant because of where I am with my self. It's like I'm back and forth I want to dress and the feeling I am wrong. I know there's nothing wrong with what I am doing but it's just the feeling I get and I'm still working on it. When I feel that way I kinda distance myself from everything, I feel like I can't even do the things that I enjoy like reading or or their things. I find myself coming home from work and doing nothing till I have to go to work again. I feel the urge to dress get stronger and stronger. I'm working really hard and trying to take all of your advice but I just don't think I'm as brave as many of you are. Hopefully things become clearer to me soon and I can find out who I am myself, thank you all.

[Guest]

Notsure I was under the impression that I was a crossdresser most of my life, and hated myself. When I started trying to deal with it, I had the same feelings, not feeling right, or feeling dumb or something. That's why my wife suggested counseling. Counseling has been a good idea and helped me understand that I'm not a CD, but transexual. It takes time, you have to stop and realize you are what you are and feeling weird or wrong is just isn't necessary. You'll eventually work through the reasons that you feel poorly about it.

[Guest Razilee]

You are certainly more than the clothes that you wear, more than what others see you as or think you are or even what you think you are. You're a person, a complex, unique person -- and you're not alone.

Love,

Raz

[Jani]

What Raz wrote is so true.  I've found as I became more comfortable with my own self image, the one finally set free, that clothing took on a new meaning and while it was still an important part of my gender presentation it was not critical.  I was "me" regardless of what I wore. 

Jani

[Guest]

Exactly, I've been contemplating why I don't have the overwhelming urge to dress up at home anymore, I suppose HRT has helped, and I do want a social transition.