Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

New progress in understanding myself


Guest notsure2015

Recommended Posts

Okay, I hope this helps:

i was very young when I first experienced the sensation or taboo of wearing women's or girl's undergarments.

at first, a bunch of kids were visiting and they/we got into my mom's nylon stockings drawer(this was probably 1966-67). I recalled the sensation of the silky smoothness of my legs, and hearing the oooh-la-la reactions of all of us pretending, even walking around in her high heels.

But when I was about 6 or 7, I snuck into my sister's bedroom and slipped into a pair of her silky panties. I didn't know it was wrong, but I got caught, and to humiliate me, my father forced me to put on one of my sister's dresses and be paraded in front of a family of friends we had over to visit one day. It felt so shameful and I became terrified. 

Still, as I grew, I became more and more disdainful of my gender. I recall about age 11 or 12 praying I could be a girl. I hated being a boy because I feared I would grow up to be just like my dad, and quite honestly, I felt jealous of the beauty and grace of femininity.

Of course, my prayers were silly in a way, but in a way I have never lost that desire to be feminine. I have crossdressed behind closed doors countless times in my life, including when I was in my early teens. I would sneak a pair of panties from the laundry and I even slept in a pair of panties a few times, but was quite fearful of getting caught, so it was rare.

often when I knew my family would be gone for hours at a time, I would sneak into my mother's drawer of panties, bras, hose and would even on occasion try on the black silky ruffled panties that I could only imagine a woman would wear when she was in the mood.

one night I was in a bra, panties, pantyhose and I stretched out on my parent's bed and fell asleep. I luckily heard the car pull in the driveway, raced to undress, dash to put away everything, and then raced downstairs to the shower!

As I developed into a young man, I became altogether focused on girls. I was of course very attracted to them, and couldn't wait to match up my parts with theirs.

But I still had this fixation on girl's clothes. I would have given much to trade places with so many girls I knew when I was in high school and college. I envied their shape, their clothes, their hair, and just the delicate loveliness of girls.

Realizing that I was a man, I did what most do, and got married, did the requisite things married men are supposed to do, and even so, I would sneak into panties and other delicates on occasion. 

There are many things in life more important than dressing up. Fatherhood. Being a good person. Striving to provide for a family. Realizing what you were created to do. 

And still, I feel a need to become a woman in my mind sometimes. My wife has been as understanding as one could hope. Now in my 50's, she is much more caring and accepting, especially since I learned of my leukemia. Circulation and pain in my legs has led to an unintentional benefit, which is my doctor advising I wear tights to aid in circulation.

thats like forcing me to eat ice cream every day.

so I am building a wardrobe of tights, leggings and because I am a fairly large man, I have found maternity pants(yoga pants) are perfect for my condition).

i also wear Spanx tights which are not nearly as uncommon as I might have though these days.

but even now, I struggle with the idea of fully dressing as a woman. Even harder is the idea of coming out as trans-whatever and outwardly expressing my inner-girl. I fear ridicule, mockery, harsh judgment and upending so many facets of my life. 

So I seek contentment in those rare times when I can simple feel free to dress and traipse around the house confusing our canines with the wardrobe choices  I occasionally make.

unfortunately, the world simply isn't ready to see me in a camisole, a slinky cocktail dress or skinny jeans and a nice top with matching earrings and a necklace, and a lovely wig, makeup and heels.

and then there's the sexuality aspect of all this. When I am dressed, I find myself feeling desires which are very hard to even express. I am madly, insanely attracted to women. I feel if I were a girl, I would still be attracted to women. But I am not a woman. At most perhaps I would call myself a Happy lesbian trapped in a man's body and wil very convenient parts to rock my woman's world. 

But let me stress this: you mustn't obsess on this. You were created the way you were for a reason. At the end of your life, there are many other aspects of life you mustn't allow yourself to miss out on because you were too obsessed with chasing this elusive female that exists only in your mind's eye in the mirror.

A person could easily drive the self to madness if they refused to accept that they cannot change what's in their DNA. Surgeries, hormones, and countless hours of creating an illusion of a woman will never reverse the DNA. Instead of denying what you are physically, embrace what you are. Playacting is one thing. But at the end of life, what really matters is what you have done with the life you were given.

so, live a full, rich life. Learn of the joys of falling in love, getting married, having a family, studying, finding your true life's passion in  whatever talents and gifts God has bestowed on you and you alone.

i believe much of the gender confusion in today's world is a contradiction of who and what we truly are. People. I actually am very glad that societal norms exist, and that I have lived my life knowing the roller-coaster ride of being a husband, a father, a mentor at times, a true believer in God, redemption, and understanding the difference between fantasy and reality. 

Enjoy your life, but do not buy into this false belief that you must choose to make sexual/gender fulfillment you one life's goal.

believe it or not, a day will come when sex becomes a much lower priority in life than simply living your life for the ones you love, and for always listening to that voice that tells you it is better to be that guy who does the right thing simply because he knows it is the right thing to do.

Marching in parades is no substitute for the happiness of true family, fatherhood, faith, and a life well-lived.

before you realize it, you'll wake up in your mid-50's, and if you are as blessed as I am, you will find the biggest thrill in the world is waking up with a chance to try to make the world a better place, and to give smiles, hugs, and true love to the people who mean the most to you.

I wish you all the best. 

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Jenny in some ways i agree with you and have lived a history somewhat similar to yours.   I have certainly enjoyed the role that was assigned to me to the best of my ability.  I was and continue to be a good parent and member of society and continue to do that even though i am now legally a female.  I give smiles, hugs and true love to many close to me and also understand that compassion for those who find they have been assigned a role they cannot live with.  Many of us are unable to dress on occasion and find relief from the knowledge of our nature.  It is wonderful that for many crossdressing is a solution and for some (like you?) that becomes unnecessary. I have also been fortunate to find a path that works for me and those i love.  Fortunately society is beginning to find a path towards accepting many paths.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment

Thanks Charlize.

i admire your courage. And I do often wonder about what life would have been like had my Chromosomes been XX. 

But it is hard to imagine, born and built like I am, how a full MTF transition would ever have worked out for me. 

The idea of traditional gender-roles often results in jealousy for me. I would love to have had the same options as girls in terms of shape, beauty and the clothes and styles which I am so enamored by.

i just cannot imagine any makeover artist who could make me passable(heaven knows, I would if I could).

but perhaps my imaginings and fantasies are better left unrealized, as the last thing I want is to be viewed as some kind of deluded side-show act that doesn't have the capacity to see me as the world sees me.

of course, when I was young, nobody would ever express themselves outwardly for fear of ridicule, ostracization and actual physical danger.

i know everybody is an individual and it's ironic that there are no one-size-fits-all solutions to people's gender issues. 

 

Link to comment
Guest notsure2015

I was just doing some reading through out the site and I came across an article another member had posted. It was about how we try to prove what we are by comparing ourselves to what we think we are, but we really should be proving what we're not by comparing ourselves to what we should be. And that we try to attribute the feelings to depression or lack of confidence or maybe even a phase which I can say I have done more than once. It was a really interesting way of thinking about myself and I realize maybe I have been thinking about this all wrong. As much as I want to be a normal guy, would a normal guy have the desire to dress as a woman, would a normal guy have dreams about waking up as a woman, would a normal guy be jealous of the women who walk by them because he wants to be like them, dress like them, no, I'm definitely not a normal guy. What I do know is that I do like dressing up when the feeling strikes me, but the problem is dealing with the guilt and shame after a period of time. I guess that I feel that way because I want to be normal, but I'm clearly not, and it's not a bad thing I know that. I guess it's hard to accept who you are when your torn between genders. It's like I don't know who I am or who I want to be, and I don't have the time or privacy to really try to explore this other side to see if I can find myself. 

Link to comment
  • Admin
6 hours ago, notsure2015 said:

What I do know is that I do like dressing up when the feeling strikes me, but the problem is dealing with the guilt and shame after a period of time.

The mess I got myself into with this 10 years ago damn near killed me.  Please get the shame part of this OUT of your life. It will really rip you to pieces if you do not.  The step to take here is to look carefully at your dressed up self, and mentally and maybe verbally tell yourself that there is nothing shameful or harmful in what you do.  We tend to convict and hang ourselves more readily than anyone else ever comes near to doing to us.  Give yourself approval to do the dressing, and then congratulate yourself on how you are doing to becoming an even better self.  Smile in the mirror and take a few deep calming breaths.  Then go and do something for a while as the person you saw and thought looked good.  If you have to go back to your male self, do it with a smile and tell yourself there will be a pleasant time in the future to do it again.  Keep your smile as you saw your Femme self and recognized it a either the real you or real part of you in the mirror in mind, and keep life going ahead.

Link to comment

Notsure, and that guilt, shame and denial is what caused me to try to supress the feelings for most of my life. When I got married I assumed (incorrectly) that the feelings would never return. Well they did, and I had a few months of soul searching about why I am ashamed of this. This lead me to reading up for the first time about it from others who have gone through what I have. It helped me realize that it is nothing to be ashamed about. God loves me just the same, it is the people around me that might react differently. That part scared me,  I then came across the null-hypothe-cis (http://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/ ), that pretty much got rid of most of my denial. Sounds like you found one of my posts about it. It then became the nerve wracking experience of comming to terms with what I wanted to do about it (knowing my marriage would probably end should I transition--it did btw), and the scary prospect of how family, friends and co-workers would react should I come out.

It has been a year since that turmoil, I'm in a better spot. My family not suprisingly has had the most trouble,  but beyond that coming out has been ok. Work has been especially welcoming.

Link to comment
On 1/12/2017 at 10:53 PM, VickySGV said:

 Please get the shame part of this OUT of your life. It will really rip you to pieces if you do not. 

Yessssssssssss...... That was the whole reason I began counseling, shame and self hatred. This allowed me to learn a great deal about myself......

Link to comment
On 1/12/2017 at 7:17 PM, notsure2015 said:

I was just doing some reading through out the site and I came across an article another member had posted. It was about how we try to prove what we are by comparing ourselves to what we think we are, but we really should be proving what we're not by comparing ourselves to what we should be. And that we try to attribute the feelings to depression or lack of confidence or maybe even a phase which I can say I have done more than once. It was a really interesting way of thinking about myself and I realize maybe I have been thinking about this all wrong. As much as I want to be a normal guy, would a normal guy have the desire to dress as a woman, would a normal guy have dreams about waking up as a woman, would a normal guy be jealous of the women who walk by them because he wants to be like them, dress like them, no, I'm definitely not a normal guy. What I do know is that I do like dressing up when the feeling strikes me, but the problem is dealing with the guilt and shame after a period of time. I guess that I feel that way because I want to be normal, but I'm clearly not, and it's not a bad thing I know that. I guess it's hard to accept who you are when your torn between genders. It's like I don't know who I am or who I want to be, and I don't have the time or privacy to really try to explore this other side to see if I can find myself. 

I'm going to echo what others said here. Yes, please take the shame part out of your thoughts. It WILL cause you harm! After all the abuse and shame I had as a child I crammed everything into a box in my head, wrapped chains around it and threw it into a lake in the deepest recesses of my mind. I was ashamed, I was afraid for my safety, and because of my father I thought that EVERYONE would hurt me for being myself. It took twenty years before I 'popped my cap' and the memories and emotions started to come back. I've almost ruined my life so many times and in so many different ways it's scary. Taking the shame out of it and learning to love myself for who I am was the only way for me to survive, and even then it was touch and go for a while. Please don't be ashamed for something that makes you feel better. That thinking was put into us by small-minded people who can't wrap their heads around the idea that we were just born different. They think everything has to be in well defined categories and that nobody should color outside the lines. You don't have to listen to them anymore!

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Notsure,

I think you can see that you aren't alone, we've all been there and in some cases still are, in cycles of not dressing, purging, guilt, then that familiar feeling of curiosity again, then the overwhelming need to dress......etc etc

My only additional piece of advice - Don't Purge your wardrobe, this ends up being expensive and rarely has the desired effect of preventing future bouts of dressing.

Luv Em x

Link to comment
  • Admin

I actually went to a CD club last night for the first time in ages.  I ran into a friend there who nailed our acquaintanceship at 19 years in a combination of that club which has been there 10 years, and two others of 6 and 5 years each (I know that adds up to 20 years, but take my word that those were the times!!)  The first time I went out after a make-over my friend had made a big point of the "NOT PURGING" thing, but one individual admitted they had purged, and could stiff the rest of their life out.  A week later they had gone on a shopping binge and spent nearly $3K on new clothing.

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...

hey girls, I just bought this really cool butt lifter enhancer from amazon...it will arrive on sunday...cant wait to try it on...it is also has like control top pantyhose material so it will be easy to hide the buldge.  

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...
Guest notsure2015

So I just got some good news, I recently got an apartment with a roommate. It's not the perfect set up I imagined but it's definitely the space and privacy I needed from my parents. The only problem is that my roommate doesn't know about my under dressing or the possibility that I think I may be more than just a cross dresser.  I'm excited because I'll have a private room and I won't have to worry about my parents barging in or rummaging through my drawers, but I won't have the total privacy I need to help explore my feelings and understand where I may be in the umbrella. I'm really excited and can't wait but I think all this excitement has my urge to dress at an all time high.  I was wondering if maybe anyone knew any ways to feel more feminine but subtly. I'm excited and scared to find out where these feelings will take me, but I really feel I need to dig a little deeper, and try to embrace and understand my feminine side. I've been trying to hide and deny it for so many years, I think it's time to stop running, and start accepting myself. 

Link to comment

Hi, NotSure. Before my obvious transition, I started out with the underdressing (bra, panties and whatnot) like most others. Growing my hair, painting my toenails, fingernails a really light pink. Things like that. Ear piercings even.

Then after that for a while, moved on to the next step, hormones. Feel free to contact me if you'd like. HUGS

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   7 Members, 0 Anonymous, 107 Guests (See full list)

    • Carolyn Marie
    • Petra Jane
    • Ivy
    • Erica Leigh
    • April Marie
    • Andrea D
    • Hannah Renee
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,940
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Raelyn
    Newest Member
    Raelyn
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. **Angela Charlotte **
      **Angela Charlotte **
    2. Carlie
      Carlie
      (63 years old)
    3. Cbxshawn
      Cbxshawn
      (49 years old)
    4. HannahO
      HannahO
      (31 years old)
    5. JustKatie
      JustKatie
      (40 years old)
  • Posts

    • Ashley0616
      I have shared my doses and levels a lot and no one has said anything. Yeah I put alarms on my phone to make sure I don't miss a dose. I tend to forget a lot of stuff on what needs to be done. I have been also using the calendar on my phone a lot. I missed an appointment because I didn't put it in my calendar. 
    • Ashley0616
      Feeling better than I did yesterday
    • MaeBe
      It's official. My doctor wants me retested after the last results (too high). The test, that she scheduled, was likely too close to the dose. She did tell me to keep the increased dose instead of reverting to my old one, probably because my "too high" wasn't that high. I don't know what the forum's stance is on results, knowing full well the rules against sharing dosage, so I'll keep those under wraps until I know if it's OK to share those. Less to say, it was over the range she feels comfortable with by about 50%, but taken a day earlier than the midpoint value she was expecting. Grains of salt everywhere!   Of course I messed everything up too, missing my dose for the first time, yesterday. I had to re-reschedule the lab I setup yesterday to Monday from Saturday after taking my shot this morning to avoid the same issue with the testing. I woke up and thought, "Thursday, what do I have to do for work today? OH -crap-, IT'S THURSDAY! I missed my shot yesterday!"   Anyhoo. Question for the ladies: does anyone else get a mild zen-like high after their shots/doses? My brain feels lighter and I'm happier and I feel a lot more girlie this morning. 💃
    • MaeBe
      I'm into my fourth month of HRT and just titrated up in dosage after my last checkup. This is my life. 🤭   I have yet to grow out of my B cup bras, but I have noticed more fullness, having started with gynecomastia. I am seeing less gapping in bras with my right breast, which has always been smaller than my left. My areolae are slightly pronounced/projected now, that are larger but not vastly greater in circumference, and I have noticed little to no nipple changes beyond their painful sensitivity.
    • Ashley0616
      @Ivy that is a great point! Great post!
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      -It's not a sprint it's an endurance.  -It won't happen overnight. -Seek a gender therapist. -You might lose a lot of support but hang in there. If they truly loved and cared about you they would stay. -Retail therapy helps and plus it builds your wardrobe and shoes. -Makeup is an artwork. It takes lots of practice to do it right and watch YouTube videos on how to put it on or someone who is knowledgeable. -You are going to have roller coaster emotions so don't rush anything. 
    • Ivy
    • Ashley0616
      thrilled:  :extremely pleased and excited
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      You have grown more breast tissue than most some only get one size and that is it. I went from 42C to 42DD but I'm also taking supplements. It's risky to take the supplements but to me it's worth the risk. 
    • Timi
      I'd echo some of the advice in Imma Asher's letter in the book To My Trans Sisters:   Take your time.  See yourself. Be proud.  Be strong. Indulge in the transformation.  Read more.  Put down the brow pencil.  Live.  And be happy.
    • Ashley0616
      I hope that there is some kind of justice. It's very sad and it doesn't even mention the family and I could only imagine how they feel. 

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...