Don't Be Like Me, Kids

[Guest Kenna Dixon]

I wonder to what extent growing up with a secret we dare not reveal contributes to us being too guarded in relationships.

There's a certain dishonesty at play, by virtue of the fact that we are presenting a facade, and we're always on alert against the possibility that others may see us as we really are.

At times, we may look at ourselves and be saddened by the charade: pretending to be something we are not, acting as if we like things we don't enjoy, allowing others to consider us a close friend when we are not who we purport to be.

I look back over my life and see the pattern. As an adult, I still conceal my transgender self from some for various reasons, and that's okay. Of far more concern to me is the fact that at this stage of life I am now neither a person to whom people gravitate nor someone who is able to make and maintain close friendships. It's entirely my fault and my responsibility, and by now I'm well-accustomed to being this way. But it isn't good and it isn't natural.

And so I consider whether this is the result of hiding my true self for more than five decades or it's simply a flaw in my personality. I've described my nature as sociable but not social. On an individual basis, I get along with people very well and can find common ground with anyone because I always want to hear the unique story behind the person. But going places and doing things with a group holds no appeal for me.

In effect, I still hold others somewhat at a distance and maintain tight control over what they know about me.

And I don't think that's a good way to live.

 

[Charlize]

Thank you for sharing Kenna. I know i felt much as you describe for many years.  I hid so much of my life and had developed a kind of dishonesty that somehow spilled into the rest of my life.  I'm sure that contributed to my addiction but was certainly not the only cause.  It was even hard for me to honestly accept that i was an alcoholic but once i sought help i began to see myself better than i had for years.  In my work towards sobriety i put my gender issues aside considering them to be some kind of defect.  I was honest to the extent that i did share my dressing with a sponsor but ti went no farther than that.  Several years passed before i dressed again.  When i did i was miserable.   I was sober, alone and unable to accept or share myself.  Somehow i had gotten to a point where i could no longer hide.  I went to a women's AA meeting and shared my "terrible" secret.  The sky didn't fall and very slowly i moved towards accepting myself.  

I find the change to be something of a miracle for me.  I can certainly understand how anyone would not make that choice but for me it was the right one.  It isn't better or worse than any other path but if we are actors on the stage that Shakespeare speaks of it's my role today.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

 

 

[tracy_j]

I can relate well to a lot of what you say Kenna as I have very often felt an outsider in whatever group I am in. I think, it is often I have such a different take on things that I feel like I am not communicating on the same wavelength, or even dimension in discussions. With me, this has always been the case, even when trans issues are not in the equation. To some extent I have found this here, where I am very much more open, so I think it may be just a part of my makeup. I am very analytical and also can jump, even mid sentence, between many different viewpoints so I sometimes have difficulty understanding myself, let alone others doing so.

For my past - I spent many years, nominally male, with little clue being shown of the inner me except perhaps to the few that read deep. I have always held people at a distance and maintained control. Whether it is true or not I have determined that this is because I have been taken advantage of in the past. I do think that to some extent transexuality does come into play here as my male side is somewhat unpredictable as I am not very assertive, but still have pushed for 'top dog' at times, especially if I felt walked on. This has led to big confrontations as a point can come where I don't back down, whatever the cost! My female side is far more reasoning and has a different approach.

That said, recently I have just fallen into things a little more, for example with the art group I go to, I be somewhat more open and friendly. This is making me happier. I am not openly trans but am not hiding things either, just naturally very androgyne. I think it is a case of being confident enough to face your fears of rejection. My female side is far more confident and sociable. Several men I have communicated with as Tracy have even called me gentle.

My experience of late is telling me that the people who have the biggest problems with my appearance etc are the ones who I have known for many years. New friends take me for who I am and accept that as natural.

Before I came here I faced two options - A downhill spiral or doing something scary but positive. I chose the positive as the only viable option - being me! I love people but often feel alone. I often do though, see these little facts and actions that show people do care. They may not change the world but they do help.

It is always good to try new things. They may not be successful but are interesting. It is never too late to start. The will may have gone but the rewards are still there.

Is there no appeal because you have no conception of what the appeal may be? There are different types of group, this being one!

Tracy

[Guest AshleighP]

One of my favorite things about this site is the absolute total honesty and openness (ok, that's 2 things).  

I have many of the same feelings Kenna. I have built walls around me to protect me from people seeing who I really am, to the point that I am afraid to share even with my wife. I often ask myself, what am I actually afraid of? Is it rejection, ridicule, judgement, or just uncertainty. I still have no answers. It is, at least for me, a form of deception. My wife know I dress. She knows about all my female things. I don't try to hide them from her. We occasionally talk on a surface level about it. Yet, I don't have the courage to dress in front of her. I wait until she leaves for work, then don a skirt and put on my daily makeup. I realize that is my problem, not hers. Then again, some of the most rewarding and exhilarating times in my life have been when I have gone out fully dressed, when I get the courage to take Ashleigh out into the world.

Social situations are a challenge for me as well. I watch people interact and wonder how I could do that. The funny (?) part is, I am a part time professional musician. I have no problem whatsoever getting up in front of a group and playing guitar and singing, yet one on one conversations scare me.

if anybody ever comes up with the answers/reasons, please let me know.

[Guest Kenna Dixon]

I know I've missed a lot of the human experience by not allowing others to know me "warts and all".

Having waited decades to allow my "real" self to emerge, I was surprised to find that this newly-freed female persona was much more at ease with friendships. The facade was gone, and women accepted me without reservation. It was quite an epiphany.

[Mia]

30 minutes ago, AshleighP said:

The funny (?) part is, I am a part time professional musician. I have no problem whatsoever getting up in front of a group and playing guitar and singing, yet one on one conversations scare me.

if anybody ever comes up with the answers/reasons, please let me know.

I totally relate to this. I've gotten used to performing music in the past, even by myself with no problems, but when I have to have a one on one conversation, I don't know what to do. Wait, did you mean, you feel like that when you're fully dressed, or in general? Because I feel like that in general. Maybe when I finally go out "as Mia" (I haven't yet), I might feel differently, I dunno.

[Guest noeleena]

Hi.

Secrets,   being real,   missing out on a life ,  pretending to be what we are  not,  I still hold others at some distance , and   on the alert  in case some one may see for who we really are,

WOW.......

I really cant relate to any of those details and some of the other,s , I know im hard wired in a different way  so makes my life quite different again,

im   69 did I miss out on life by not being born as a normal fully functioning female I don't think so I know my life was different yet  apart form some details I really had a Lovely neat Mom who did not shove me in a box of having to be just a boy or girl I could do lots of things I enjoyed with  out fear of  OH NO you cant do that because .......

Even while young I did not see boy or girl  to me there was no difference   apart from clothes and really that did not bother me

I never pretended or be other than who I was / am  I was just myself and lived that way , I did have some lovely neat friends who were great to me 6 really lovely friends .,

I know I was a loner and was quite happy just being by myself and our animals or  working on projects that interested me

,Now this part of not wonting to be known and seen for who we ...ARE...I never tried to hide the fact of being born different and years later I was told some knew I was female just nothing was ever said I also know I was protected and was never asked if I was female and as I look back I see why ,

Yes there are aspects of things I did,   like work , I knew I would use my hands and make things  so = building what ever = building trades even at school I was given extra wood work class,s and that was what I  needed. maybe not what men would call normal for a female yet it worked in my case so I grabbed it with both hands and ....WENT.... for it......

Did I miss out in not looking like a normal female or feminine  sexy pretty and feminine ,  over the last 22 years I will say yes yet that was what allowed me a different freedom I would never have had,

I know that and still account that as my  passport in life in so many ways,

You may think im crazy ..... yes maybe I am , just remember I have had a full life that has been lovely  very neat  and is full on and I was able to do what I was cut out to do, no regrets here ever, oh and places I,v been would not have happened had I been that feminine girl . im female for sure  100% and not  missed out in not growing up as like so many wonted to  , you see I grow up as a female with a masculine side that helped me become

who I am now ,

A woman who has grown in to her self , and lives life with many lovely people around me and as I live my life im a part of them ,

So accepting your self and seeing who you are will depend on you  , I,v done it  and live it,

...noeleena...

 

 

[gennee]

All my life I just tried being myself. I never knew I was transgender until eleven years ago. I never struggled with wanting to be a girl or being born in the wrong body. I did know that I was different. I have always been a loner. I enjoy being with my family and friends but I also enjoy being by myself. 

[Guest saoirse]

ive been the same , i have countless people who think i am a great friend , people i have risked a lot for and have always been there for .ive known some of them for 3 or 4 decades and they really do like "me" BUT it means nothing as they do not really know the true me . in the life i built while i was in denial to myself i spun a pretty strong web ,  i was my own enemy and a lot of my actions reflected this , i think i would go as far as saying i was probably a homophobe and a bigot and Ive said stuff i hate to even think about now . i got into a scene where being the crazy mofo i pretended to be seems to go great and made me popular , it hid me from myself and from others , no one would dare question the gender of someone so macho , hell i'd even fooled myself for a while (very bad experiences in my childhood learnt me the tactic of ignoring my inner feelings and becoming what other people seemed to want) .

now i deal with the consequence of this all . almost dying several times and then one particular time when i was getting the chance to say goodbye to my darling wife before surgery which the docs gave very little chance of making it through , i started to be true to myself . i started to think screw everyone else and i started to tell people that i love who i really am .

it is too late in some cases. a family member i love very much got very sick and passed on , i'd hidden myself from the family member my whole life , it is hard to try describe how much that hurt . my mom who i have told i am trans since has said that she knew I was a girl however i'm unsure if she did or my moms just being comforting . 

in other ways the life i created has forced me to remain that person. i have several kids who depend on me , i need a decent income and the lifestyle i had created is directly linked to my business and my support of my family.  my business would close overnight if i was outed . all my supposed friends would disappear and my family would be left broke (money wise) and picking up the pieces . 

it seems I was too good at the creation of this other person while i was hiding , it worked perfectly untill i decided to be truthful to myself . now its like looking back at someone else's life . i have friends but not really as these people do not actually know me  , i am highly respected at what i do but again this would change should the people get to know the real me . i too have looked back at it all and thought it has been an awful waste living such a lie BUT I do have love , I have a wife that truly loves me , i have children who were brought up to respect all the diversity's of humankind and who were learnt compassion , they love me too . so at least there is some good that has come from it , it still hurts a lot though . i remember being a free spirit as a child/teen and it was bullied out of me , I changed and conformed and hid ,I somehow became my own bully and no one was as hard on me as i was myself . if i had to go again i of course would still want my darling and my kids but the rest  , the rest is sad to look back on as i know it was not really me .