Small steps lead to big ones

[SugarMagnolia]

6 hours ago, Kylie said:

Yay! I also have more recently been gendered as ma’am even when I’m in no make-up errand mode as well! ?

I completely agree with Jani, Kylie. You look wonderful and that's just what I'd expect from your photo. Congrats! That's got to feel great. ❤️

[Kylie]

@Jani @SugarMagnolia awe thank you ladies! ?

[SugarMagnolia]

As always, I enjoy posting little milestone events that represent progress and positive change in my life. Last Friday night was one of those. ?

 

I work for a small start up technology company and we had a semi-formal celebration party for the company -- the first of those since I've been there. It was at a fancy hotel downtown and was my first opportunity to meet the spouses/partners of most of my co-workers. 

I socially transitioned at work last July and since it's a small company it hit me that spouses/partners might have questions at the party. I'm fine with that, but was a little concerned as I just wanted to enjoy the evening and not educate people on trans issues. In the end, it didn't even come up and I just hung out and made small talk like anyone else. So, that was great. 

More and more, I find that I'm starting to feel authentic. A couple of years ago, I was so fearful and so conscious of what other people might think, how I carried myself, whether I stuck out, etc. That hasn't completely gone away, but I seem to have found a presentation that I'm comfortable with and that most other people understand. And more importantly, I'm starting to see see my expression match my identity with increasing frequency. It's still so surprising and heartwarming when that happens, but it's so welcome to catch a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror and think, "Yes!".

I took this selfie at the company party. I was feeling happy and relaxed and wanted to capture that, plus I like the California capitol building in the background too. Little steps add up!

 

[Jani]

A wonderful photo!  I like the composition.  I'm glad you enjoyed yourself.  

[Kirsten]

That’s a cute pic Julie! Every time I see a new pic, you are further and further along on your journey. You are truly finding your own niche now. 

That’s great that you had a good time too. Afterall if we aren’t having fun then what’s the point rite!? ?

[SugarMagnolia]

[Trigger warnings around homelessness and anxiety and also a long post but with what I hope is a positive ending]

I had the most incredible weekend full of both highs and lows with a few completely unexpected twists. I wanted to capture it here so I don't forget although I'm not sure how meaningful it will be for anyone else.
 

Friday night started with appetizers and a cocktail at a hip hangout nearby. I'd met up with my friend that I met at a PFLAG group. She's the parent of a college age kid who's transitioning and we've become good friends through our talks. We moved on to a fundraiser put on by the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence in support of Mercy Pedalers, a group of cyclists in Sacramento who provide support to those who are homeless. After that we made our way to the clubs downtown and ended up watching some divas who'd been on season 11 of RuPaul's drag race. We ended the night at my local karaoke bar. So, it was a lot, but safe/sane and super chill.

Saturday night was dinner and game night at a friend's house. It's my group of wonderful friends who've allowed me into their circle of lesbian women and make me feel SO accepted. After games we lit a fire in their firepit in the backyard and sat in their Jacuzzi. And then I finished the night at karaoke (yes, I'm a karaoke addict!). Just a good night sharing with one another and having fun!

Sunday was the day, though. It was our Sacramento Transgender Day of Visibility picnic and I'd really been looking forward to it. I went last year, but I wasn't totally out then and still felt on guard. This year I knew I'd feel totally comfortable and I was hoping to be there for people who were less comfortable. The day was beautiful, sunny and hot even. There was free food and drinks from the local Gender Health Center and just an incredible variety of wonderful trans and queer people of all ages, races and backgrounds. 

What I'm still trying to process is the interaction I had with some young trans guys. They were both around 20 and their stories broke my heart. One grew up in a small town in North Texas and had to leave because his family was religious and he was rejected by his community and his family. He's actually doing pretty well. After being homeless for a little while he's found a job and is going to school. So, that made me feel good. I'll call him Leo.

But his friend still has me shaken. His story was one of a foster kid who was adopted and then later disowned by his adoptive family once he came out. He also made his way to California. He's still looking for work and for a place to stay. Although he's getting some community support he's experiencing intermittent homelessness and a lot of food insecurity. I'll call him Bon.

Leo and Bon both had some real social anxiety, but they were sweethearts and we talked for a while and they were comfortable with me. They disappeared for a bit to find some shade and when they came back Bon was having some real difficulty. He was too hot, panicked, and hungry. I found him lying face down on the grass crying and shaking. He was responsive so Leo and I tried to address Bon's symptoms holding cold soda cans on his neck, pouring water on his feet, rubbing his shoulders and back and eventually getting him to sit up and start eating. Thankfully, whatever he was going through subsided and we were able to feed him and talk some more. I'm going to do what I can for him, we traded numbers, etc., although he's already connected to most of the community resources, but the situation just is so painful to think about, and I can't imagine what it's like to be going through. 

So, yeah, I helped them as best as I could, but the two of them also gave me a great gift. They told me I had a soothing voice and that they were comfortable around me because they're more comfortable around women. And this made me realize that to them, in that moment, I was a caring maternal figure who helped them to feel safe and loved. That was something I never expected to hear or to feel in a million years and it's still got me reeling a bit because it's made me consider some potential parts of my identity that I've not spent any time thinking about. 

For a while now, I've been thinking that I want to continue being more involved in helping LGBTQ youth and families and I'd thought of myself as sort of a trans peer; someone that could understand what the kids are going through but with the ability to support parents and understand what they're experiencing as well. I thought this is something I can start working on and have a focus for my life as I move out of full time work and in to retirement. 

And now I see that part of that may involve being one of those cool older women that's lived a rich life and can provide some maternal love and nurturing to people that need it. I don't have kids, and I've never really allowed myself to envision being maternal in this way, if that's even the right name for it. But, there's something about that that fills me with hope and with love and with the desire to share that.

So, this post is about me putting a stake in the ground that shows where I want to head and to remind myself that life can provide beautiful experiences we could never imagine when we least expect them.

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk. ?

 

[VickySGV]

There is so much work to be done for our youngest siblings in Trans world that I too find myself crying with frustration.  I see seeds of hope but they will take time we really do not have to grow, and some of our youngest ones will be grown by the time they come to flower.  One idea being worked on down here is to have kids that age live with LGBT elderly people so both groups can get care they need and understanding across our lives. I have friends working on that project and I try to help it with my limited talents, but it must be done.

[SugarMagnolia]

OMG, VIcky,. Mixed age housing is exactly what I've been thinking of lately! A lot of the more mature LGBTQ folks that I know are worried about having enough support, but they also have so much wisdom to contribute. It seems like such a win/win.

The Sacramento trans communiity is poised to do something really interesting. Its still embryonic, but my fingers are crossed that we'll be able to make a dent in the gap for the younger ones soon. ❤️

[VickySGV]

10 hours ago, SugarMagnolia said:

The Sacramento trans communiity is poised to do something really interesting. Its still embryonic, but my fingers are crossed that we'll be able to make a dent in the gap for the younger ones soon. 

 

The first stage of the project here in Los Angeles has its grand dedication next Sunday (April 7th.)  I was across the street from it last Sunday (TDOV) and it is going along.  It is not going as fast as would be desired since some money is coming in a bit slower than anticipated but the basic framework is in place.   Come on down if you can, there is a community block party all day Sunday.

[SugarMagnolia]

I wish I could, but that's a little far for me. SF is about my geographical limit at the moment.

What support is the project providing?

[VickySGV]

33 minutes ago, SugarMagnolia said:

What support is the project providing?

 

Three major living centers that will pair homeless or almost homeless young people with lower income LGBT seniors in the living units which are modeled after Assisted Living units in senior housing complexes.  Two person + cooking and food storage areas and separate bedroom units.  Ground floor will have medical urgent care, food markets, cafeteria type eating places for the residents and guests, study area for the younger people with computer access and some purely public vending space as well.  Arrangements are pending for the younger people to get college level certification in medical and community care programs, and someone is also talking about high end food service training  through Los Angeles Trade Tech CC a couple of miles to the east of the center.  I do not know the exact number of housing units, but it is over 120.  Very ambitious.  The young people will not be limited to the education and service options, but service is part of their "rent".

[SugarMagnolia]

Wow, that's remarkable in scope. I'm super impressed. What's the name of the organization that's set all of that up, Vicky?

[VickySGV]

@SugarMagnolia   Los Angeles LGBT Center.  https://lalgbtcenter.org/

 

[SugarMagnolia]

Well, that totally makes sense ?

 

[Jani]

Julie that was a beautiful post.  Thanks for being there for Leo and Bon.  Even if for just a while, showing you care demonstrated there is humanity in the world.  I hope they do all right.  I know it can be hard when family has rejected them at such a young age.  These are such formative years.  

 

Hugs, Jani

[SugarMagnolia]

Just a small story that amused me...

I was meeting a really good friend of mine for a drink last Friday. We're pretty close, but we haven't been able to get together in about 9 months. I'd come out to him a couple years ago and he knows that I've socially transitioned, but he'd never seen me as Julie before. I wasn't nervous but I was curious how things would go.

I didn't see him when I entered the pub, but it's a big space and I knew he was there because I'd seen his powder blue Mustang in the parking lot. I got in line to get a beer and figured I'd find him once I had my drink, but then from across a pretty big room I saw him walking my way looking for me.

I started waving a bit to catch his eye, but he didn't see me. I tried a few more times with no luck. Finally, as he walked past I grabbed his arm and said, "Hey, John!". He took a beat or two, but finally put two and two together and realized who I was. 

We ended up having some really good conversations as we always do, but my biggest takeway was surprise at him not being able to "see" me. It's not exactly a male fail, but I'm certainly going to count it as a presentation success. ?

[Kirsten]

Wow Julie! That is amazing! My wife told me that will never happen to me because there’s too many pictures of us on her Facebook page. Lmao. Your inner smile must have been beaming from ear to ear! 

[SugarMagnolia]

On 4/10/2019 at 4:33 AM, Kirsten said:

Wow Julie! That is amazing! My wife told me that will never happen to me because there’s too many pictures of us on her Facebook page. Lmao. Your inner smile must have been beaming from ear to ear! 

It was a really strange feeling actually. I was definitely happy, but I also felt sort of unseen. I can't describe it well, but it was  mix of emotions. I guess having someone I know really well and have known for a long time not be able to identify me was sort of a shock.

In the end it represents progress, but I guess there's a small feeling of loss too at leaving things behind. 

[Kirsten]

I think I know what you mean. I felt like that when I saw my birth certificate with my new name and sex. Happy and amazed, yes. But sad to lose that piece of my past. 

I try to think of it this way. In order to move forward you sometimes have to leave things behind. Physical appearance is hard to leave behind. So I can see how the emotional pull would be hard. 

I never really thought about it, but not too long ago I saw my cousin in a store. She walked right past me. I even smiled, but she didn’t even partially notice me. I figured it was because I was trans and she just didn’t want to connect. But maybe she didn’t see me at all. 

 

Difficult or not, it sounds like you enjoyed the evening and that’s great. I really love your story telling too. I’m always reading in anticipation! ?

[SugarMagnolia]

I wanted to give an update on some of the struggles I've been having lately. Usually, I tend to post pretty positive stories because I think those are important to share and because my journey has been an incredibly fortunate one so far. But, let's keep it real...this life is hard some times and it can get to you at unexpected times. Sorry this is a little long!

The biggest change in my life lately has been with respect to my marriage. It was obvious a while ago that we weren't going to stay together, but we hadn't really talked or acknowledged it much. So, about a month and a half ago after letting things build up we finally sat down and had a really good heart to heart. We agreed that living together as though nothing had changed in our relationship was problematic. So, we've moved into separate bedrooms and are treating each other more like best friends that are roommates. 

And it's been really, really helpful. I hadn't realized how much we were still holding on even though we knew it would be ending. Agreeing to live more separate lives has given us each some much needed space and privacy. 

And this has led to another decision. We sold our home and are renting it back in anticipation of moving closer to my work once we nail down a few loose ends. The original plan was for us to rent a two bedroom near my work and sort of be roommates. But, we're already doing that so we have made the decision to get separate apartments once we move. This was not easy for either of us, but having made the decision i can already feel a weight lifted from both of us. It signals that we'll each be stepping out into our own individual lives; however, because we're doing it together it still feels like we're each helping each other on our journeys. 

So, do I wish that it would have worked out and we could have stayed together for many more years? Of course! But, sometimes we have to truly think about the best way to make each other happy. And, occasionally we have to realize that stepping away from each other is the most caring thing we can do. 

I'm worried about being on my own and I'm worried about whether I'll be able to find someone else to share my life with. However, I'm also super excited to explore who I am becoming and what I can contribute to the world. So, that's good.

What's been really tough for me lately is the combination of the renewed attacks on transgender people by our US government, and some very personal gender dysphoria/body anxiety. I've been having a really hard time the last week feeling authentic and feeling like I'm enough. A lot of simply came down to how I feel about my hair. It's OK, but not like I want it to be. And when the weather is windy and wet, it frizzes out and blows around exposing my large forehead/high hairline which makes me really self conscious. And I suppose that's what got me.

It was just the sheer amount of energy that I have to expend to navigate the world. I love myself and I know that my transition is the best thing that's ever happened to me, but it IS hard work and sometimes I get tired. And when I get tired, I get self-critical and distrustful of other people's motives for being in my life. I so want to believe that people see me as I want to be seen, but when I'm not feeling good I begin to doubt that they do. I worry that they're just taking pity on me or are secretly amused. I know that's BS because the people I'm thinking of have done nothing but build me up and help me to feel good about myself. But, brains play tricks on us sometimes. So, that's been hard.

I'm feeling better the last few days and I'm actively practicing gratitude for all of the friends that are with me on my journey. Deep down I know that they're truly with me and I need to remember that they're with me because I am lovable and I am enough, and not for any other reason. Life's too short to question love freely given and I need to keep in mind that I can give myself unconditional love, too, and not question why!

Sorry for the long post. Thanks for reading to the end!

[Kirsten]

Julie we all feel like this at times. Convincing yourself of how awesome you are is so much more difficult than showing the rest of the world isn’t it?! 

I can definitely feel your pain when it comes to that pesky hairline. I can make mine look good. But then 15 minutes after I leave the house it’s a train wreck. Then add something like an electrolysis appointment in and whoa nelly! Que the self loathing and dysphoria. 

But this is all just our own heads causing issues. Over analyzation and low self esteem remnants from a past life. We mush shed those  feelings and move on. 

 

It sounds like you and your wife are really doing well considering all the changes. It’s awesome for me to hear your story because I may be in a very similar situation eventually. And it’s nice to know that things can end in a positive way. Especially since we have kids involved. 

 

And you can call me anytime you need to talk. (I do go to bed at 930est though. Lol) I would love to chat anytime you need to. 

❤️❤️ Kirsten 

[Kirsten]

I shouldn’t have said “end”. Should’ve said evolve. Because not being together doesn’t mean the end of the relationship. ?

[SugarMagnolia]

I knew what you meant, Kirsten, and thanks! 

It should also be said that I'm incredibly thankful for finding a hair stylist that I trust. My bangs are far from perfect, but they make me feel better about how I look. And when I told him that I was having trouble with frizz and wind, he changed the style slightly and talked to me about silicone based hair oil conditioners that help smooth and defrizz.

I actually found a really good product that I like from Living Proof that uses OFPMA which is supposed to be a water soluble silicone-like additive that avoids the build-up the traditional silicone based hair products have. It's made a difference in how I feel. Which just goes to show that it's OK to ask for help!

And that inspired me to take a couple photos of my current work from home look. See how you build me up, Kirsten?! ??
 

[Kirsten]

I am glad I can! ?

You look awesome! That pic of you at the bar a couple weeks back was awesome too! I am so jelly of your arms and shoulders and all of your upper body really. It’s so thinned out and feminine. I’m still sporting the shoulders of a young football player. Lol. 

But you’re well on your way hun! Own it, live it, LOVE IT!! ?

 

ps I have ZERO bangs. Mine are about 3/4” long and mostly baby hair. 

[SugarMagnolia]

Thanks, Kirsten. I am lucky to have a pretty androgynous body, so HRT has just moved the needle a little with that. I was never bulky, but more wiry which is a blessing now. 

I'm coming to realize that no matter what I look like there's always going to be something that I wish was different or "better". It's a very human thing and a very female thing, too. My therapist told me one time, "welcome to the club!" ?