Transforming into...me! :)

[Dakota16]

I had a great experience living as Dakota for the first time over labor day weekend. My wife's family was awesome and did their best to call me Dakota and use female pronouns. With her help, I had feminine-looking hair for the first time ever and I loved it! I didn't have any makeup though but that was okay for the time being.

I spent time in a public park and looked around now and then to see if I was drawing anyone's attention. Everyone seemed to ignore me. Well, the adults did anyway. A few kids stared at me as they walked by but I just smiled at them and went back to what I was doing when I noticed them.

We ended up going Pokemon hunting every night, either driving or walking around downtown by the riverfront. I was a little skiddish at first walking around but it went away pretty quick. I ended up going into a gas station with my sister-in-law for sodas and snacks. One person kept staring at me with contempt and like he wanted to throw me head first into a pile of firewood...requiring an unpleasant trip through the front glass. One or two others did double-takes, but aside from that everyone seemed to leave me alone. I was annoyed that the girl behind the counter totally ignored me, talking to my sister-in-law like I wasn't even there. The next night we went to the same gas station for restroom breaks. This time there were much fewer people but the same clerk was there. I ended up passing on my first chance to use a women's restroom since it's a shady neighborhood anyway.

Work and activity schedules got too hectic since to go back to being Dakota again for the next two weeks. But I did slip back into woman mode this past Saturday night and Sunday while spending the weekend with my in-laws. They asked for clarification on what they should call me and I was both happy and proud to ask them to call me Dakota regardless of how I'm presenting. After all, I'm Dakota...just ended up with a body that doesn't match. So they're back to calling me by my preferred name and pronouns, and I'm happy to let mistakes slide since up until 2 months ago they've known me as a guy.

My latest session with my counselor got me to thinking that I may be much closer to being ready to come out to everyone else (my family and friends, as well as work) than I originally thought. So I'm rethinking my timeline and may yet decide to go full-time before the end of the year. Now I just need to figure out when to tell friends, my side of the family, and work that I'm transitioning.

But until then, starting this weekend I'm planning on living weekends as my true self when I'm not at work. And I'm also adding makeup to the mix this weekend, and I can't wait to learn how to use it to make me look more feminine. So if all that works out, I'm going to church as me and I won't shy away from the ladies room!

Okay, World, here comes Dakota! :)

Stay tuned... :)

[Dakota16]

So today I woke up with a headache and somewhat grumpy, both from a lack of sleep the past few nights. I ended up in a "screw it" mood and just got through my work day. When I got home, I switched into full Dakota mode, complete with my girls and my hair straight down since I don't know what else to do with it. My wife came home from her classes early since she wasn't feeling well, and asked me to pick up some frozen corn on the way home from taking our oldest daughter to gymnastics.

Usually, if I'm in girl mode and need to go to the store or any other public place I'll lose the girls and pull my hair back to present as male wearing women's clothes. Today, I just thought "screw it, I'm only going to gain confidence presenting as female by going out to public places as Dakota."

So after I dropped my daughter off, I went straight to Walmart to get a couple of bags of frozen corn while still presenting as my true self. I decided if anyone asked I'd just say I'm just going without makeup today (although the reality is I've never tried makeup yet). I was nervous since I knew I wasn't as passable as I wanted to be while out in public, but I'm getting tired of jumping back and forth between male and female. Besides, I know I'm a woman inside and I'm showing it today...I don't care what a passerby may think of me.

I walked in, did my quick shopping, and headed to the checkout with two bags of corn and a new pair of tights I'll need for the outfit I'm planning to wear to church the first time I go as female. I had a guy following me for awhile but he eventually stopped. Aside from him, nobody else paid attention to me. There were a few glances but otherwise everyone kept going about their business as I went by. I may not have been as passable as I'd like to have been, but I was passable enough. I got a couple of warm, welcoming smiles from a couple of Walmart employees, including one I see working the self-checkout virtually every time I'm there.

I left and headed home, breathing a huge sigh of relief that I went out as female on my own for the first time and got through it. Overall it felt great to be me out in public! I'm looking forward to going out more and gaining confidence being me until I switch to being me full-time.

[Jani]

Congratulations, it certainly does feel great.  

Jani  

[VickySGV]

Sounds like you have hit Male Fail!!  That point is a whole lot of pressure going off like smoke into the wind..  So so great when it happens.

[Charlize]

What a great experience.  With time the apprehension will dissipate.  I certainly has for me.  Time got me to the place that i'm just me.  It seems i'm accepted even by the folks in my small town who have known me most of my life.  They may not see me as a genetic woman but i'm not.  Folks who don't know simply assume what they like. I presume they see a woman but then again it's ok if they are unsure.  I'm what i am and happy being me.

Bless time.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[tracy_j]

Congratulations!

Another major step forward

Tracy

 

[Guest AshleighP]

Congratulations! Sounds like it was an overall positive experience. One of the most important things I have learned is that most people are too busy with their own lives to really pay attention to others. If you act confident and don't do anything to draw attention to yourself, people just go on about their day as if all is normal, and it is.

Good for you! Best of luck in future outings.

[Dakota16]

I'm not sure how significant this was, but I'll take it as a small win!

Since my trip to Walmart and pulling from an inspiring YouTube video, I'm living as Dakota whenever I'm not at work nor around my own family (I haven't come out to either group yet, but soon). I'm going out into public more and more. But usually, people I've interacted with have seen right through and call me "sir." I can't blame them though. With no money for makeup, I can't hide the shadow and such. But that doesn't stop me from going out anyway. I've also recently found that even though I'm yet to start changing my voice, I can still raise it a little if I keep the volume down.

The other day (after work and in full me mode), I stopped at a convenience store to get a fountain drink for my wife after dropping one of the kids off at her after school activity. I put the drink on the counter and started counting out the pocket change I had to pay. The young woman at the register rang it up, smiled, and said "It's $1.81, hun."

That got my attention. Hun? Not "sir" like everyone else so far? That was awesome! I smiled back and handed her the exact change with a smile of my own. I say thanks and she says "have a good day, hun."

I headed out happy as a clam. I'm not sure why she said "hun," and maybe she normally does that with many of the people she interacts with. But I'd like to think that she accepted me as the woman I was trying to be.

I'll count it as a small victory!

[Jani]

28 minutes ago, Dakota16 said:

I headed out happy as a clam. I'm not sure why she said "hun," and maybe she normally does that with many of the people she interacts with. But I'd like to think that she accepted me as the woman I was trying to be.

I'll count it as a small victory!

Dakota this is how it begins, a little bit at a time.  As many have said, we see ourselves in our new persona later than others.  It is definitely a victory to be counted.  Just continue to enjoy yourself.

Jani  

[Guest]

On 10/11/2016 at 4:38 PM, Dakota16 said:

Usually, if I'm in girl mode and need to go to the store or any other public place I'll lose the girls and pull my hair back to present as male wearing women's clothes. Today, I just thought "screw it, I'm only going to gain confidence presenting as female by going out to public places as Dakota."

I'm also not full time. I'm still male mode while at work or around certain family members otherwise I'm some amount of 'dressed'. One thing I realized is how much extra work it is or would be to fully dressed, wig and makeup and everything, back and forth depending on the situation so I've begun to blur those lines in general. 

And yes, it's wonderful to leave the house more as myself...

[Dakota16]

Well, after good experiences living as Dakota part time, negativity finally reared its ugly head yesterday.

I'm spending the weekend helping my wife at a craft fair in a different city and naturally living in normal mode instead of guy mode since I'm not at work. While setting up the booth, I needed a restroom run. So I walked over and straight through the women's door. There were two standing at the sink and both noticed me right away, and both were polite enough to invite me to leave the room when I'm about five feet inside.

"You're not a woman and don't belong in here. You're not using this restroom."

Okay, fine. This isn't worth the drama. So I turn around and leave, finding another ladies' room in a dead corner of the building.

Later on I needed to go again. Tried the exact same thing (using the same nearby restroom as before) and managed to get a little further before someone else came up from behind.

"You don't belong here. Use the other one or I get security."

Once again, not worth the drama or scene it would create given my wife is an exhibitor at this show. So I head to the same dead corner as before, only to find it's no longer dead because of another conference in the building. People are going in and out of the ladies' room and I decide "screw it, I'll just use the men's room" since there are fewer people in that area and about four people just walked out.

As it turned out, there were still two guys inside and they spotted and looked at me right away. One started laughing and the other smirked and shook his head. I end up leaving and trying to find another quiet corner but couldn't. I ended up counting people going in and coming out of another pair of restrooms and settling on using the men's side after it empties out and the people filter out of the area, and kept using that one throughout the day.

It was the first time I second-guessed my decision to spend a weekend in normal mode. You know, things like: why in the world did I think being in normal mode was a good idea; I don't belong in either restroom. That kind of thought train.

By the time I got back, a half-hour passed from the time I told my wife I was making a restroom run and she left to look for me (I forgot to grab my phone so I couldn't tell her I was encountering issues). We talked about what happened and she said she'd go along next time I needed a restroom run, and, if necessary, create the scene I was trying to avoid since I have the right to use the women's restroom. It made me laugh and helped divert my attention from all the negativity, but it still loomed in my mind the rest of the day.

But it's a new day today. Right now, I'm once again helping with the booth and back in normal mode. It's who I am even though there are still things I can improve on to be more passable. Random strangers don't know me. I'm not sure if yesterday will repeat itself with a different group of strangers, but it won't stop me from trying to use the restroom matching my identity.

I'll see what happens.

[Guest]

I'm so sorry, Dakota. People can be such 'tools'.

[tracy_j]

Luckily I have had no comments in restrooms but other times when I get 'off' comments I just try to relax and deflect them back to where they came from. Usually in restrooms I glance around as I enter (maybe in a female way - taking things in without appearing to look - that is something that is worth learning as it could really help keep you out of trouble in many places as you would not be accused of staring), but generally take little notice of anyone however they are looking. The theory is that I have been going there for many years so treat it as the norm rather than a nervous early excursion, It is sometimes hard when I get a number or 'looks' and does make me very tired, which oftens then escalates my mood making things even worse. It sounds a bit like you have had similar Dakota Just get up and keep on going! Be careful though. Laughter is annoying but is safer than things could be.

Tracy

[Guest]

There's a lot to be said for what Tracy just said. Acting like you're where you should be and you know what you're doing will head-off a lot of people....

[Briana]

Well Dakota, I've run into that recently and thankfully my wife intervened.  But it DOES happen o you just have to be ready to deal with it.  People can be so strange. In Vegas when it happened I eventually told the one woman that regardless, I got better taste and I wouldn't even if I had...(I'll be polite here).

[Dakota16]

So today marks six months since coming out to my wife as a transgender woman. There have been more ups than downs, and I'm continuing to learn my role as a woman and improving myself. I'm about to come out at work and let Dakota take over 24/7. Juggling two identities has worn me down and she's ready to spread her wings and fly. Although the idea does frighten me a little, it's necessary to truly be me. I'm looking forward to being me at work and everything I do. I highly doubt I'll miss putting up a smokescreen to be someone I'm not.

But looking back, it's amazing to see some of the changes from where I was in July compared to now.

1) In July, I'd go into "girl mode" to be Dakota. Today, changing into Dakota means I go into "normal mode." Using forms for the first time was the next big step for me after buying a collection of women's jeans, shorts, camis, t-shirts, and a few polos. I was nervous the first time I used them to dress in "girl mode." But then I put on my shorts, pink cami, and red t-shirt with forms underneath and looked in the mirror. All I could do for a few minutes was stand there and stare at my reflection. My first thought wasn't "oh my god this is weird" or "oh yeah...boobies!" The first thought in my head was "oh my gosh, I look normal!" It's only gotten stronger from there. Being male is growing more foreign and uncomfortable. My job puts me in the driver's seat every now and then and I can look at men getting on my bus now and think things like "holy crap...I can't believe my legs were that hairy" and "ugh...goatee...why did I live with one of those for so long?" I've never felt normal until I started letting Dakota out. Now I'm wondering why I took so long to do something about it.

2) The support from my wife was incredible in July, and still is incredible today. She's been very helpful in many aspects of my transition so far, and I'm very appreciative of all the help and guidance she's provided. She bought my forms, pajamas, a few outfits for me, and most recently a lovely pair of flats. She's also helped with my hair on occasion and told me if I needed to change something about the outfit I chose. We had family pictures taken not long ago, the first time I had my picture taken as Dakota, and she did some makeup for me...at least what she could since our daughters managed to lose most of it. 

3) When I first started going out in public as Dakota, I used to look at everyone near me to see if they were staring at me. Today, I just worry about what I'm doing and don't care. Everyone seems to either look past or through me, with an occasional instance of making eye contact with someone right next to me and exchanging quick smiles. I've only had one negative experience with restrooms and had one person outright stare at me (a little girl around my daughter's age trying to figure out what to make of me in the checkout line at Walmart). I still haven't learned makeup yet so I look like a woman from the neck down, but a guy from there up. But each encounter with the public has made me more comfortable being me. Taking my middle daughter to dance class as Dakota doesn't bother me, and this week I'm going to start taking my 3-year-old, and helping her with, her gymnastics class in normal mode.

4) In July, I avoided situations where I'd be in a spot to use the restroom. I'd always go before I left the house. Today, I'm catching myself heading towards the women's restroom even if I'm in guy mode. Regardless of the one bad experience, it's becoming easier for me to walk right into the ladies' room without thinking twice about it. 

5) Almost none of my male clothes have come off their hangers in months. Even in "guy mode," it's still rare when I'll use male clothes. I'll use hoodies to hide the shorter shirt sleeves and v-necks, and nobody has said anything about it. If I don't have one clean then I'll pull a male polo shirt. I haven't used men's jeans in about two years, and I really don't miss them. Sometime in the next few weeks I'll end up taking all my male clothes out of the dresser and closet to make more room for future clothes. I'll keep some polo shirts in the closet as backups just in case. Right now I'm slowly working toward my goal of all women's clothing.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share some of the things I've noticed six months after coming out for the first time. I'm still a work in progress, but I'll get there! 

[MarcieMarie12]

Regarding your first time in forms, I remember the first time I went out in public. I was expecting fireworks, or something. All I got was a feeling of what it is to be normal for once. Love the update, glad to hear that everything is going well.

 

 

[Dakota16]

I recently hit a milestone...6 months living as myself! I'm still happy with where I'm going, even though I've hit a plateau with what I can do to move forward. 

Saying work has been hectic is an understatement. I don't get much time to check in here, but I still wanted to share a few small tidbits that have occurred in the last few weeks.

First, I went to Walmart to cash a check a few weeks ago. The lady at the customer service counter started and asked for my driver's license. I wasn't even thinking when I handed it over to her. At least, not until I noticed that her gaze kept shifting between me and my license photo. Then it clicked, I don't exactly look like that anymore. I just smiled at her and said "yeah that really is me, I'm going through a lot of changes." She stays stone-faced and says "yes you are" back while we finished the transaction. I clearly caught her off-guard. But I walked away thinking that if it took that many glances and she still needed help, I "must be passing pretty well today."

Second, my wife relayed a story from her sister. My sister-in-law has a 2nd job at a bowling alley as one of the wait staff. At her shift a week or so ago, she ended up having my own sister as a customer. (My sister does know about me, but has never seen me yet.) Throughout the night, my sister talks to my sister-in-law about different things (a surprise within itself) and eventually I come up. She mentions to my sister-in-law that although she knows she still calls me her brother and shouldn't be, she's supportive of my transition and is anxious to see me. (I should say that since my wife told her, I've only seen my sister at family events, and I've gone to all of them in guy mode since I'm still struggling mightily with how to tell them. I'm thinking about showing her during one of my daughter's therapy appointments since the two locations are across the street from each other.)

Third, this past weekend we went to a parade in a nearby town. You know how, every now and then, there are "floats" that go by that advertise a mayor/city council/congress candidate, or advertise a local business or church? The ones with people out in front of it handing out flyers, leaflets, or some other advertising trinket to the crowd? I'm just sitting in my chair watching my kids go all out to collect the over abundance of candy tossed at the curb and thinking that I should invite the worst offenders over and have them get my kids into bed tonight. Well, one lady comes by handing out little cards. She looks right at me and asks "Do you have one of these?" I say that I don't have one yet and she hands me one of her cards before walking away. I take a quick look at the card while I go to put it aside and I'm blown away. The lady had just handed me a card listing the symptoms of ovarian cancer. It was a weird position for me. For starters, I know it's a serious thing and nothing to joke about. I've lost relatives to cancer, and have an aunt who survived breast cancer. But as I'm staring at this card, I'm pulled in two different directions at the same time. On one hand, I'm thinking "umm...my parts aren't exactly standard issue." On the other hand, this woman, who spent the entire parade route identifying where the women are so she knew who to hand the cards to, read me as female! I was passing and blending right in! 

I can't wait to see how things progress from here when I get the chance to keep moving forward!

[Charlize]

It sounds as if things are going fantastically for you!  Glad to hear it.  I had a similar situation with my drivers license years ago before getting my name changed and a new license.  The problem was i was in the rural deep south and while i liked the fact that i'd caused the multiple glances i also was somewhat fearful at the potential consequences.  Fortunately we were leaving the event after several days.  Finding acceptance of your new identity with the support your finding is simply wonderful.  Thank you for sharing.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

Very good in deed Dakota!  I like your profile photo too.  Things are certainly moving along for you.  Hopefully your sister will come along and get the name and pronouns right.  

Jani 

[DenimAndLace]

13 hours ago, Dakota16 said:

Umm...my parts aren't exactly standard issue."

That's funny.  I haven't heard that phrase in that context before.  I'm happy for you Dakota.

[Dakota16]

Wow...it's been awhile since I've had time to update everyone on how things are going. Work and kids' activities dominate my schedule and I'm usually a tired lady at the end of the day. ?

While things are still going pretty well, negativity has still reared its head my way. A few months ago I went through a drive thru and had one of the employees end every sentence with "sir" at the window. I posted the experience on the Facebook group I belong to, which caught the restaurant's attention. I had a chance to talk it over with one of the managers and they said they'd work with their people. A couple of weeks later, at the same restaurant but this time inside, I took my daughter out for supper before her dance class. When I went back to the counter to get something for my wife (who was at dance with our youngest), the girl behind the counter went off to the side, waved some people over, and pointed in my general direction. I didn't see anyone else around. I'm watching this thinking "way to be subtle on pointing me out." I've been debating on whether or not to bring it up with them.

I started HRT on April 11, and added E on May 14! It still seems surreal, but it's happening! I had an intriguing experience with my first hot flash within two weeks. It was rather odd to go from feeling normal, then wanting to put myself inside a deep freeze, then back to normal all within a few minutes. 

Although it's been 16 months since I went full-time, I'm still struggling with pronouns. Some people are still getting it wrong at work. Two co-workers haven't used she or her at all, one for religious reasons (presumably at least), the other for who knows why. I tolerate it since they're still respectful toward me, but it bugs me at the same time.

 

I recently went on a cruise with my family and had a blast. I've never heard "miss," "ma'am," "darlin'," and other feminine pronouns that much...ever! Nobody referred to me as male at all during the entire trip! At one of the ports, I got a coupon for a free gift from one of the shops. I found out it was for a free pair of earrings, and they were only handing out the coupons to women. That totally made my day! When we had cell service again, my wife and a few others put up pictures of me on their Facebook pages looking all feminine and beautiful (yeah right...I barely pass at home). The pics caught the attention of two of my cousins who instantly went to my sister asking what's going on. Guess that means I'll be announcing it to my FB friends soon.

 

Next major thing on my list is changing my name!

[Jani]

Thanks for the update.  A lot of activity in your life!

 

1 hour ago, Dakota16 said:

Two co-workers haven't used she or her at all, one for religious reasons (presumably at least), the other for who knows why. I tolerate it since they're still respectful toward me, but it bugs me at the same time.

I'm not sure I would "tolerate" this for too long as it may send the message you don't care, which I know you do.  I doubt that worker's religion never preached to be disrespectful.  I thought it was all about love? 

 

Cruises can be fun.  I'm happy you enjoyed yourself.  Sounds like things are progressing!  

 

Jani