Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Lost


Alex Blitzen

Recommended Posts

The all consuming darkness

Reaches into my soul

Lost in the fog

No light in sight

Spinning around looking for an escape

This place is so cold

Nothing but pain

When will I find the exit?

How can I leave this place?

Wish I could just die

Link to comment

Dear Alex I am soo sorry you are feeling lost in a lost world

I started crying when i read your poem .

I thought I might never see you again.

I don't come here much any more , but would for you

know that I love you , always have

vanna

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Alex please remember that you are not alone and that here at least there is the warmth of acceptance and love.  Please consider going to chat and talking to a mod there. This has been a difficult time for most of us but if we talk to each other and know we are not alone it certainly helps.

 

Big Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment

Don't wish to die, wish to be reborn. That's what our journeys are all about.

I really can identify with your poem. I was long time entertaining that idea until I  read Angie Fenimore's story of her suicide near death experience. I tossed those ideas real quick.

Now whatever comes, I'm in it for the end game. No checking out early for this girl. Keep writing though, it's a great release. Hug. JodyAnn

Link to comment

As a fellow writer who deals with her own often-crippling depression, I recommend using your pen (or keyboard) to start forging a new path. Writing your dark thoughts and feelings can only do so much, I have found. If you start writing poems that have at least a little light in them, then you have built yourself a tunnel (no matter how narrow) through the dark toward the light. It's better than focusing only on the "light at the end," in my opinion, better to make a little light of your own right now. Hope that helps. hug_2_rvmp_by_bad_blood.gif

Link to comment

Alex, sometimes the darkness is indeed all consuming. Sometimes the pain permeates every fiber of our being. 

In these times, we write. We embrace the pain and loneliness and become one with it while we let its life flow out in the words we spill out on the paper. 

For the poet, this must be done. But we are far more than the pain we embrace. We are greater than the darkness that envelopes us and we have within us the light that is capable of burning away the darkness; easing the pain. And that light knows the truth of who we are. 

Write here. Bleed all over these pages. But hold tight to the light shown here by the words of those in this room with you. 

Embrace the darkness. But embrace the light as well.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Alex you have fought so long and so valiantly. I have always admired that. Admired you. I cannot say what will work for you. I can say how I walked out of my own pain and decided one day I had to decide to let the pain go and change how I reacted. To start to find anything I could to focus on that wass enjoyable- even as simple as the color of the sky or the pattern of light on a leaf-and refuse to go into the dark anymore. Refuse to pay more for what others have done to my life. And how I reacted. I've paid enough. But I KNOW we can find peace. I KNOW we can find light. It is a struggle. It's a committment to relearn about how we react to everything that happens to us. It gets easier with time. Much easier. And life gets better.

Funny but as I have done that I have completely let go of the past. Yesterday was our Thanksgiving and I was struck by the fact that I no longer cared about the traditions Ive felt compelled to follow because they were from my childhood. My childhood wasn't good. And finally I had my own day with my daughter and granddaughter without that pressure- or those memories. I think I was trying to hold on so hard for so long to make the past what it should have been somehow. Now I just let it go.

I agree with the advise to come here. To let it out. But I also think it's necessary to go beyond that as well. To start looking for good even in the dark of pain. It is there. Do what brings you pleasure even if the pleasure is diminished. It will come back. It will help.

One other thing that can help is to use your pain to help and serve others. Volunteer somewhere on the days that you know will be dark, There are many places where hands and caring are desperately needed and they don't care what your history or gender or orientation are. Unitarian churches and United Methodist Churches will be accepting and many have outreach programs where they need you.

Hang on. You will make it. And it will be worth it.

Johnny

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Alex,

One thing I've noticed in many of the responses is the need to look for the things of light that are around you even in despair. The reason I like that is because that's how I do it. I lived for 12 years in my dream home in the north woods of Michigan. Then I had to leave to find work. I had to leave the forest which I considered heaven, and move to Grand Rapids, which I consider as hell. I had dreamed and planned on living the rest of my days up there. I knew it is almost impossible that I'll ever live up there again. Almost every day, I just wanted to curl up in a corner and cry, and sometimes did. I thought I would never see the light again. But even in this miserable city, there was light. I just had to look for it. 

I've been trying desperately to save my home at least for a place to weekend and vacation at. Just today something occured that made me accept that saving my dream is not possible. My dream is lost. On my way home on the bus, I was trying so hard to hold it all together and not cry in front of everyone, and failing. All I wanted to do was get home, curl up in a corner and cry. The thought of suicide came to my mind again for the first time since March. I wished I had never been born. But life goes on. It was getting dark as I made it home. The house accross the street put Christmas lights up. I got to my apartment and turned my Christmas tree lights on and my little electric simulated wood stove. I looked at the lights accross the street. It was beautiful. I'm sad and hurting tonight. I'm crying a lot. But there is light! There is beauty! I look for it. And I know the sun will rise tomorrow. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. But I've learned in life that there is hope to be had, even in despair. Now, as that day gets nearer when I will have to say goodbye to my home in the woods and I feel myself sinking into that horrible pit of despair, I will look for the light and beauty to pull myself back out of that pit. I know it will be there, because it always has been. I just have to find it. Life goes on.

I hope this may help you in some small way. It helps me a lot writing it.

 

Lots of love and a big hug,

Timber Wolf?

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 94 Guests (See full list)

    • Raelyn
    • SamC
    • rachel w
    • MaryEllen
    • April Marie
    • awkward-yet-sweet
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,940
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Raelyn
    Newest Member
    Raelyn
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. **Angela Charlotte **
      **Angela Charlotte **
    2. Carlie
      Carlie
      (63 years old)
    3. Cbxshawn
      Cbxshawn
      (49 years old)
    4. HannahO
      HannahO
      (31 years old)
    5. JustKatie
      JustKatie
      (40 years old)
  • Posts

    • Ashley0616
      Wow that is a high number for Estradiol good grief! Testosterone levels are better than mine. I don't remember my Estradiol level but testosterone was 80. To me that is really high but it was in the two hundreds the check in before last one. 
    • Ivy
      I don't understand why this would make a difference being a "dad" I mean, as far as how they would grow.
    • Ashley0616
      I don't see why not. I have worn forms since I came out. 
    • MaeBe
      I have never worn breastforms, but I assume as long as they don't aggravate your nipples you could.
    • MaeBe
      Every week I've been excited to take my shot, so it's never been an issue. Yesterday, however, I woke up and started my usual "slow roll" and then suddenly realized I had breakfast plans that I had to rush out the door for. After, it was straight into work calls, and then I got the notification from the doctor about things being too high and all the while my mind had completely slipped that I needed take my shot.   Given that I am not asking for medical advice, but sharing my journey, I will note my results: Estradiol at 447 pg/mL and Testosterone was 23 ng/dL, up and down from 26 pg/mL and 526 ng/dL respectively before treatment. Almost flipped the bit! The doc would like my Estradiol closer to 300 pg/mL, so we'll see what Monday's tests state.   Oh, and I teased the dinner with old soccer teammates and never updated the thread! It went well. There were a couple funny moments. One guy, who I was worried about their response, greeted me with "Hey, you've lost some weight!" 😎 And a friend who lives near me picked me up on the way to dinner exclaimed, after we learned one of the invitees might show up with a date, "Wait! We could have brought women?!" To which I instantly responded, "You kind of did, bringing me!" Everyone got a good laugh out of that. 😁
    • Ashley0616
      To me there isn't that much difference other the measurement, which side the zipper is on and men's pants have bigger pockets. 
    • missyjo
      I hope this is not stupid question..I have yet to start n not sure if doc will approve..but once you start growing buds n such, can you still wear forms to get to the size you were?   I'm a dad, so when I start blossoms they will be smaller for a long time n probably need surgical augmented..that's fine. I don't want to go ddd to aa to ddd..   any ideas?   thank you
    • missyjo
      April sounds fun..I keep some boy jeans to visit mom in..fir now   hugs
    • Ivy
      I like them too.  We had them growing up.  But my father's family were Swedes.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Oh my!  I guess it just goes to show how different tastes can be. Since we don't live near the ocean, Seafood is a rare luxury. We absolutely love pickled herring! Especially my husband and my GF, I guess it's a Ferman/Russian cultural thing.  But most of the kids like it too, and a jar wouldn't last in the pantry for long 😆
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I think the key to that is just not minding eating the same thing repeatedly. Since we produce a lot of our own food here, we end up eating what is in season at the moment. So, when the yellow squash is ripening, we end up fixing squash 20 different ways. When the strawberries are ready, we eat lots of strawberries. It's kind of a different mindset to eat in season when it has become such a part of American culture but the grocery store has everything we want all the time. Like grapes in December.  My family does even things out a little bit by having a greenhouse so we have some fresh things in the winter, but it's not a 100% fix.
    • KathyLauren
      My brothers and I had to eat what was on the plate.  All of it, and nothing else.  Pickiness was not tolerated.  Some of our least favourite were liver and onions, sauerkraut, and especially rollmops (pickled herring).  We finally protested enough to persuade our mother not to serve rollmops, though she kept a jar in the pantry for years afterwards, as a threat if we didn't behave.
    • Carolyn Marie
      I'll go first.  My favorite team is the Yankees.  Loved them since I was a kid.  I was born in NYC so, yeah.  I know everyone loves to hate them, and that's OK.  I just love baseball in general.  It's a game of traditions, strategy, power, grace and skill.   Play Ball!!  ⚾   Carolyn Marie
    • Ashley0616
      I guess you do have a good point. It's just hard to try and not have the same meals over and over again. 
    • Willow
      Hi   I’ll weigh in on being picky about food.  Yes, and I was brought up that way.  We didn’t have to eat everything our parents ate.  They had a number of things they ate that they figured we wouldn’t eat, an acquired taste things or one or the other didn’t like them too.   even as an adult there are many things I won’t eat.  In my defense, there are different things my wife won’t eat.   the weird thing is that after being in E, my tastes have changed.  Sweet, sour, salty or bland, if I eat or drink too much of any one thing and I have to counter act it.   Willow
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...