Before I Fall?

[Katie Snow]

I hope this comes off as Sensible rather than pesimistic, for the past 3 months I`v been living almost full time as myself, and recently I`v even started going Out as myself too, in fact unless it`s something to do with my kids school or my wifes parents I`m never Not myself.

Now things have going absolutely Perfectly so far, and each time I go out, or have an encounter with someone new my Confidence gets much better, it Grows if you like. But I know this wont always be the case and I also know that in all probability the slightest knock and I`ll be right down to bottom again or lower, and probably rethink this whole Trans thing (I over react sometimes).

So what I`m wondering, is since this is an almost inevitability, is there Anything I can do now Before it happens that will lessen the blow, or even use it to empower me? perhaps a mindset or way of looking at things that I can try and adopt now Before I get knocked down.

Ever had that feeling when things are going well, almost Too well? that Too good to be True feeling? well I`v learned to trust that

 

[Ravin]

With things going well in other areas, how are you addressing things with your kids? With mine, I exposed them to the idea of transgender identities in general for months ahead of telling them about myself. 

As far as people in general, being ready with a snappy, clever comeback to possible insults is one way of preparing a defense mechanism. Another is just to let all the positives you are experiencing fill a mental jar that reminds you to hold your head high. Then, when someone comes along and is rude, think to yourself that all they've done is take one little grain of sand out of that big, full jar. Don't let them knock it over.

Another is to remember that small slips (such as a wrong pronoun) are just that, slips and not intentional. People do it with cisgender people, too on occasion. If someone says "sir" instead of "ma'am" it could just be that they aren't paying attention, not an intentional insult. I try and assume the best of random strangers.

 

 

[MarcieMarie12]

It can also be if you're passing well and you're not ever going to get misgendered except by a mistake like Ravin mentioned. I'm still waiting for a random stranger to cause a fuss, but that has been the case since October 2015 being out and public for short periods, part time (all but work) from December 2015 to May 2016, and full time after that. Not once have I had an issue, but I still worry about it and how I will respond.

 

 

 

[Katie Snow]

25 minutes ago, Ravin said:

With things going well in other areas, how are you addressing things with your kids?

Actually that`s been really good too, my 11 year old daughter was a bit shocked at first and thought that she was going to lose me, but after I explained that I`d been on the hormones now for some time and she`d not "lost me" and Time has also put some distance between my coming out and now, She actually Prefers me now to before!

With my 7 year old son, pretty much like yourself, I`v introduced the idea of genders Other than just the 2 socially acceptable ones, an that I fit into the Trans category as a Female with a mostly male body, he`s perfectly fine with it! and sees me en femme every single day and never bats an eyelid, I even get complimets about my attire (he`s a real Gentleman!).

I love your idea of having a quick come back, but around here you`re likely to end up dead doing something like that, they don`t need an excuse Most of the time

 

[Briana]

Hi Katie, I don't think you're being pessimistic - just planning ahead.  Contingency planing if you will.  I really like what Ravin offered up regarding a "snappy" or appropriate comeback.  It used to crush me when I got the attitude or rude treatment.  One day, I looked at the offender and I don't know why, but I said to them, "you need a mother very badly."  Stole it straight from Peter Pan.  LOL  They looked at me like I was crazy and then asked why.  I was surprised but it gave me an opportunity to point out to them the behavior they were displaying towards me vs. other customers.  I walked out standing a little straighter...which is good for me cause I don't always have the best posture. 

Since then, when I get the obvious rude treatment I'll call them out in a hopefully appropriate and sometimes humors way.  It also depends on the situation and surrounding environment.  Certain places and situations it's just best to smile and move on.  I've used the "needing a mother" line or asking them if they are ok today or is something wrong the most.  When buying something, if I get the negative treatment, I'll stand there after the purchase is complete and tell them I'd like to return it now.  I've only done that a few times and that's when their behavior is soooo obnoxious that I'm not going to let it go nor support the business.  Mom & pop shops sure change their tune (usually...) when money is on the line.  In big places, it depends on if the person gets a bonus or commission on the sale. 

Anyway, do get ready for it and know that you're a bigger and better person than those that act badly towards you cause of who you are.

[Drea]

Where are you expecting the fall to come from?

You wife deciding it is time for divorce?  Your family and friends rejecting you?  Running into a co-worker causing you to be out-ed at work?

Or is it someone who publically calls you out as trans, heckles you publically or otherwise makes some unflattering/insulting statement?

Question: just how much are you out? 

My feeling, the first list of items I mentioned, divorce, family, friends and work issues are the heavy ones.  If you aren't already out to those people I would describe the "mostly full time" as more of a being out in public as "yourself" (whatever that means to you personally) and not in any way representative of how things may be when everyone around you knows and has their opinions.  The out in casual situations where the person doesn't know you personally is very different and less weighty than the brass tax of dealing with the issues that might occur involving longer term friendships and relationships.  This isn't to say things will go badly there, but just that such things have the potential to be more stressful/hurtful.

The second items, public events where a stranger may comment, call you out or do something are less weighty, that is unless you choose to take it much more personally.  The way I view these sorts of events are to shrug them off.  Everyone has their feelings and there are plenty of jerks in the world. If you can laugh at it, all the better.  Avoid letting paranoia rule you...it can be too easy to believe one hears the wrong pronoun and if one looks for people staring, people will stare just reacting to your actions.

I always tried to be pleasant.  Assumed people knew I was trans so there was no way I could be "outed" anyways.  I did not respond to harshness by being harsh, but rather trying to be pleasant.  Perhaps the most empowering moment for me was a snide comment a teen said behind my back while I was walking away from this group of teens.  Well I knew if I kept walking it was what was expected.  Rather than appear to cower by ignoring, I turned around with a smile and started to talk back and said "sorry did you have a question" which resulted in him saying hummmna hummana before he finally got out the question.  Which was something like "did you used to be a guy".  I answered "yep, its not really a big deal tho is it?" to which his friends got a laugh at his expense.  I wished them all good night and went on my way.

Work on getting a healthy self esteem.  With such, these sorts of things are easily to shrug off and they can't really hurt.  When it hurts, it is because you base your own esteem on how people think of you.

 

[Guest]

I like what Drea has to say.

For me the situation and my mood can have a negative effect. I  surround myself with women that are upbeat and not cutting or catty. Some negative woman seem to have a talent for shredding each other. If I  come under their fire, presto, I  am just one of the competition.

Men are more manipulatable, they have that almighty ego they have to contend with. If their actions towards me in front of my girlfriends is rude or childish I have a variety of comments to my sisters. When they laugh with nodding approval, red faced guy is shredded. One favorite is "Somehow I  don't think he gets much Vajay" if he has any retort my reply is "We women talk and the words already out about you."  I  never comment like that without friendly witnesses.

For the most part, as Drea does, take it all in stride and don't let it break your gait. Hug. You'll do fine. JodyAnn

[Katie Snow]

59 minutes ago, Drea said:

Or is it someone who publically calls you out as trans, heckles you publically or otherwise makes some unflattering/insulting statement?

Question: just how much are you out? 

I`m as out as I can be at the moment, all My family know as do my friends and Doctor, some of my Wifes friends also know, but non of her family. no one at my childs school knows either. other than that I`m out to everyone important in my life.

and Yes, I think it`s about Public Danger, especially in this area (it`s full of homophobic, xenophobic, very nationalist grunts!). answering back would likely be Fatal, so that`s a no no. but it still doesn`t stop me going out about my business.

 

but I feel the other shoe will drop eventually.

 

[tracy_j]

Well the mindset that I use Katie is that I am a woman!

If you live in a dangerous area then sooner or later you could say that something would happen whoever you are. The thing is to be careful and not do anything silly. The same as any other woman would do. With comments etc - Would a lady answer back? The type of woman who does is often one who cares little and sometimes has nasty friends or husband to back them up. A pleasant reply is ideal but it really depends on circumstances.

I often expect something to happen but there are seldom any issues even minor. I even think it was probably to my advantage today when a salesman came to the door and, although I was wearing a dress, I had no makeup whatsoever and was somewhat untidy  (just a state of lounging around the house). No issues but I think he was unsure enough for me to dispatch him quickly

I must admit when I was on holiday in Morcambe earlier in the year I noticed the increase in hostility that I had been warned about in the West of the country. Scotland too got reaction, surprisingly from women, not men at all. Also surprisingly I got no adverse reaction when working in Leicester among all races, classes and areas. People, no matter how rough, are usually Ok. It's just the odd one looking for excuses to boost his (usually) ego.

I find being confident makes a big difference. After being careful it can be down to a matter of luck whether you bump into the wrong crowd (or if you were the wrong colour, for example,  and bumped into the wrong crowd). A bad area is a bad area whoever you are!

Tracy

 

 

[Cyndee]

"The only thing we have to fear, is fear it's self" - FDR

Living as a woman, you develop a keen sense about you, I trust my instincts, fine tuned over the years of encounters with people you don't know. You read body language and the non verbal, you develop a situational awareness. A smile does go a long way.

BTW - I like what Drea posted above

C -

[Briana]

Me too - I also like what Drea posted.  And what you wrote too CyndiRae.  Very much too the point and also what I feel.

On 11/29/2016 at 11:49 AM, Katie Snow said:

Yes, I think it`s about Public Danger, especially in this area (it`s full of homophobic, xenophobic, very nationalist grunts!).

And Katie, this has me cracking up and envisioning these big cyborg like dudes stomping around picking up us puny trans people up by our blouses and shirts and shaking us like dirty old rag dolls and tossing us aside.

[Katie Snow]

maybe it is just me being silly then, Sorry for bothering you all, it`s just that it has been worring me.

 

 

[MarcieMarie12]

Not a bother, some of us have had the same worries at times. 

[Jani]

No!  You should not be sorry.  These are exactly the kinds of conversations we need to have since most of us, starting our transition later in life have little experience as a female in the real world.  The advice by Tracy to consider, as hard as it may be, what a woman would do in any of the situations you might think of is very good indeed.  

I was fortunate to be raised in a family with three sisters and three strong willed aunts and given my situation I have always been a keen observer of them.  But I when I came out I quickly realized that this was going to be hard.  Sort of like going to school, then having to put it all into practice.   Don't despair, you're asking the right questions and I am sure you'll make the right decisions.

Thanks for starting this important conversation.

Jani