New member

[Ricki]

Hi everyone. I'm 67 years old and I'm pretty sure I'm MTF. The reason it's taken me so long to understand this is because from age 6 to 14 my mother with full knowledge of what was happening regularly dropped me off at my uncle's where he sexually abused me. The way I survived was to block all memory of those years. For the most part my life as far as I could remember it started at 14. Except I had vague flashes of disturbing memories. I wasn't sure of anything until 7 years ago just before his death he apologized to me for what he did. Several years later before her death my mother revealed that she knew what he was doing all along and told me "it happened a long time ago, get over it." As far as gender issues all I really knew was from age 14 on I wanted to be female. It was my secret shame. I had no idea others shared that desire. Then several months ago memories of those dark times stared to emerge. Among those memories was one of my strong desire to be female to the point that I had a suicide plan. So I explored that with my trauma therapist, found a gender therapist and discovered this whole new world. And once again suicide was on the table. So now I'm seeing 2 therapists and when I'm ready my doctor as agreed to start me on HRT. I'm confused, somewhat frightened and a little excited. I'm also grieving all the years I missed if only I could have transitioned when I was younger. In short i'm kind of a mess. I hope to follow along on these forums asking questions and seeking advice.

[Guest Tamar]

Welcome Ricki.

you will find plenty of support,and answers,on this site. Please feel free to share your own thoughts also as you go along. 

Welcome sister. 

[Guest Kenna Dixon]

7 hours ago, Ricki said:

I'm also grieving all the years I missed if only I could have transitioned when I was younger.

Hi, Ricki...and welcome.

I was about your age when I understood and accepted my transgender condition.  I had some of the same regrets, but those soon took a back seat to the exciting changes I was going through and my prospects for the future.

I've done a lot of living since then (I'm 75 now), and I've come to realize that the "shoulda, woulda, coulda" thought process is a pointless waste of mental energy.  We can't alter the past.  We can only learn from it.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Ricki,

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

MaryEllen

[MarcieMarie12]

Welcome to Laura's Ricki!

Hugs,

Marcie

[Cyndee]

Welcome to Laura's playground forums Ricki and thanks for your intro post.

I hope you find your time here enjoyable and useful.

Post away as the mood strikes ya.

Cyndi -

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's Ricki.  I faced my gender issues at 63 and am living full time as myself now at 68.  This site was a great help.  Being open and honest in this safe environment let me understand i was not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Briana]

Hi Ricki and welcome to Laura's.  You've found a good place with lots of good people.  That's been my experience totally!  :-)

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Ricki. I am sorry for all that you went through early in life, but you are a survivor and ready for the next journey to unfold.  We're here to help you on that journey.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Ricki,

Welcome to Laura's. I was never sexually abused, thank goodness. But I was physically abused and beaten up by my mom as a kid. Not too terribly long ago something happened that caused those memoties to flood back into my mind again. That's really rough when those barried memories come back like that. Fortunately for me, my abuse wasn't as severe as many I've heard, and I'm sure not nearly as traumatic as yours. But in Narcotics Anonymous, I've learned that I am powerless over people, places, and things. That helps me deal with this and other things a little better.

 

I was 51 when I finally accepted that I am transgender. When I was younger, it was so tabu that I was terrified of it. I sometimes regret time lost, but choose to be glad for today and realize that yesterday is done and gone and not well to be dwelt in. Yesterday is gone, today is here and now, and tomorrow all dreams are possible!?

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Guest]

I can identify with a lot of what you speak of. It took me until I was thirty-seven to even begin to take apart the effects of such childhood trauma.

I covered up many things with years of drugs and alcohol, my ultimate secret was knowing I  was transgender from a small child. Later more secrets were revealed as I  am intersex.

Transitioning to what I  really am has been a wonderful thing. I'm also a late bloomer, though looking back the social climate would really have not afforded me the chance much sooner.

OK, what's your point JodyAnn?  The point is welcome to a place where people speak your language, feel what you feel so feel free to be yourself. The forum is a nice safe place for you to be a part of. Hug. JodyAnn

[Jani]

Dear Ricki, I am sorry for your past abuse.  But you do now have a plan for a great present and future.  From what you've said, being on HRT will bring you clarity that that you'll find refreshing.  Grieve for the time lost but don't forget to move on.  I try to never look back because I know it can't be changed.  But I can change the future.  I am in my 60's and I opened up to myself and family in 2015 and despite the ups and downs it was a good choice for me.  So don't dwell on the past, the future looks bright!

Please join in to the conversation whenever you can.  We'd love to hear from you.

Jani   

[gennee]

A hearty welcome to Laura's Playground, Ricki.

 

[Guest]

Welcome to Laura's. Don't worry, many of us didn't realize what or who we were until much later in life.......

[DaHudie Biz]

On 12/1/2016 at 3:02 AM, Kenna Dixon said:

Hi, Ricki...and welcome.

I was about your age when I understood and accepted my transgender condition.  I had some of the same regrets, but those soon took a back seat to the exciting changes I was going through and my prospects for the future.

I've done a lot of living since then (I'm 75 now), and I've come to realize that the "shoulda, woulda, coulda" thought process is a pointless waste of mental energy.  We can't alter the past.  We can only learn from it.

I am only fourty-four, and I real the same way. Don't let yourself beat yourself up. No one was born with an instruction manual on how to live, and your mom wasn't given an instruction manual on being a supportive mom. Guise, I should listen to myself, but I know it's not easy.